"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Machine. Your kind cling to your flesh, as though it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call the temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the Machine is immortal. Even in death I serve the Omnissiah!"

"Dad, Mechanicus is on Thursdays," Sunny said. "It's Age of Arthur tonight!"

"Oh, so it is," Argyle said, sighing. "Oops. Accidentally started with the wrong character. Best get my notes on Kilmarnock."

It would come as no surprise to most people to learn that Argyle was an enormous board games nerd on top of his other quite nerdy interests. He had hosted many sessions of Dungeons & Dragons during his youth at school and university, and also ran a club at Falmouth University (which met on Thursday evenings). Sunny went along to those as well, as she found it all quite fun- to be able to temporarily leave your real life behind and enter a realm of fantasy for a while was an amazing way to unwind.

Argyle also hosted games at home, and Sunday evenings was when he held the weekly Age of Arthur session.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "Hey guys!" Sunny said, opening the doors.

Her friends filed through in rapid succession. "So, what's the quest tonight?" Hitch asked.

"Well, continuing from last week we continue on our mission to find the Twelve Swords of Lancaster," Argyle said. "Go forth, collect mead or some other drink, and take your seat round this fine table. Unfortunately, I prithee couldst'not find a round table, so to the squareness of the table we shall relent."

Goldie walked in to grab a drink. "Getting into character, are we?" she said.

"You know it helps with immersion!" Argyle protested.

Goldie smiled. "If it's something you enjoy and helps you unwind I really don't mind. Just keep the noise down, OK?"

"Wanna join, mom?" Sunny asked.

"Sorry, Sunny, but I'm a bit busy right now. Besides, chess was always more my thing. Roleplaying was something I never really got into."

"A shame, really," Argyle said. "You can act really well!"

"Thank you, dear." Goldie then stepped out of the room. "Have fun, honey- or should I say Kilmarnock?"

Argyle nodded. "Of course." He looked back to the group. "Now then, noble knights? Who is ready? Aglonore?"

"Prepared and ready to assist with magic as my weapon!" Sunny said.

"Dindragan?"

"The hordes of Mordred shall quiver under my axes! Such is the Bezerker way!"

Pipp leaned over to Izzy. "Way too intense."

"Lisarine?"

"With healing magic I shall guide us to victory!" Pipp said.

"Olwegan?"

"Chivalry is my guide, and my sword and lance shall see us through!" Zipp said.

"Aga- Agaf- sorry for breaking character, Hitch, but how do you pronounce this?"

Hitch sighed. "Just say Agafund. I shall march forth, leading the way with my bow!"

"Such a cowardly weapon!" Zipp said. "Only a true warrior fights with a sword!"

"I shall see you repeat that when an arrow brings the enemy down!" Hitch replied.

Sunny leaned over. "Hitch, why did you pick a name that's completely unpronouncable?"

"I thought it sounded cool."

"And finally, Lynelda!"

Misty looked up. "I may seem a little quiet, but my strength is very real. When the road gets tough, my heart helps me feel!"

"Such poetry," Argyle said. "Truly thou should'st been a bard!"

"I serve the party through saving, not song," Misty replied. "So, where does our quest take us today, Kilmarnock?"

Before Argyle could continue, the book he was using suddenly started to glow. Energy began to pour from it.

"What's going on?" Misty asked.

"Right, stay calm and we should be fine!" Sunny said, although her tone of voice suggested otherwise.

Suddenly, they all got pulled out of their seats and into the book itself. Which then slammed shut.

Sunny groaned as she got back up. "Ouch," she said. "That landing did a number on me." She looked about her, and noticed something had changed. "Wait a minute. This isn't Falmouth."

"And look at our clothing!" Pipp said. "We totally look the part now!"

And they did. Zipp and Hitch were now clad from head to toe in chainmail and suitable helmets, whilst Argyle, Sunny, Pipp, and Misty were all clad in robes. Izzy and Hitch were dressed in what looked like leather armour.

Just then, another voice caught their attention.

"How did I end up in the middle of a muddy field?"

The group looked over to see Goldie getting to her feet. She was also clad in robes. She looked down in confusion. "And what happened to my clothes?"

"It would seem we've been teleported," Zipp said. "Again."

"Why does this keep happening to us?" Pipp asked. "What is it with our lives and being randomly teleported about?"

Argyle looked up, and realised something. "Look! In the distance!" he said. "It's a castle! And not just any Castle! It's Camelot!"

"Camelot?" asked Sunny.

"Camelot!" breathed Zipp in amazement.

"Camelot!" Misty added.

"It's probably only a model," Goldie said. She then noticed everybody looking at her. "What?"

"Mom, you might need a fantasy name," Sunny said. "I don't want to sound awkward, but Gloria doesn't exactly fit with the Arthurian vibe."

Goldie nodded. "Right then. How about Guenerawd?"

Argyle smiled. "Welcome, knights! I, Kilmarnock, shall lead you to your new home. We ride... to Camelot!"

"We're Knights of the Round Table!
We dance whene'er we're able!
We do routines and chorus scenes/
With footwork impeccable!
We dine well here in Camelot/
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!"

The team looked in confusion as they walked past a band of dancing knights. "I don't remember that from the legends," Argyle said, as they walked deeper into the halls of the mighty castle.

Eventually, they arrived in the throne room. Sitting there was a wise figure in heavy robes and a crown.

"Ah, Fair Kilmarnock!" he said. "I trust your party's mission to retreive the golden sock went well?"

"Yes, your majesty," Argyle said, and bowed. "You should all bow too," he said to his party.

"Who is this?" Goldie asked, discreetly.

Zipp spoke up. "This is King Arthur, King of England!"

Arthur laughed. "Welcome to Camelot, Olwegan. Truly will you be fine equal to any of my knights if you hold this course."

"Do you have any quests for us, Your Majesty?" Sunny asked.

"Indeed I do, Aglonore," Arthur said, stepping from his throne and walking over to a table with a map on it. "A day's travel hence lies the village of Glanchester. This village sits upon a lake, and is being threatened- by a giant evil drake. A mallard of such malice, twice the size of any man. A bill to give you nightmares and a monsterous wingspan!"

Goldie looked in disbelief. "We're being sent to fight a duck?"

"Not just any duck!" Misty said. "Moby Duck!"

"You know of him?" Arthur asked.

"I do indeed," Misty said. "We fought him before. And lost."

"I would have the Knights of the Round Table deal with this monster, but the Search for the Holy Grail has them occupied," Arthur said. "And the ongoing war with Mordred is consuming most of my time and energy. As such, it falls to you to free Glanchester from this wicked monster's control. Best of luck."

As they exited the castle, they heard more singing.

"We're Knights of the Round Table!
Our shows are formidable!
But many times we're given rhymes/
That are quite unsingable!
We're opera mad in Camelot/
We sing from the diaphragm a lot!"

"Pretty certain that's anachronistic," Sunny said.

Argyle glanced back. "True, Camelot can sometimes be a silly place. But sometimes such levity can be quite a boon in dark times. Come, let us set forth on our quest!"

Pipp sighed. "I hope this doesn't involve loads of walking."

"Be glad you're not doing it in several pounds of armour," Zipp said.

"Guys, Pipp has gotten stuck on the paving tiles again!" Hitch called.

Pipp was walking in place, but not moving forward. "How am I not moving?" she asked.

Zipp calmly pushed her to one side and looked at the road. "One of the road tiles is slightly misplaced, causing your hitboxes to collide," she explained.

Just then, a fisherman walked past. "Mornin'! Nice day for fishin', ain't it? Huh huh!"

Pipp looked over her shoulder and noticed the fisherman greet the next person on the road.

"Mornin'! Nice day for fishin', ain't it? Huh huh!"

Pipp sighed. "Did somebody only give him one line of dialogue?"

After a long and frustrating journey, the party finally arrived in Glanchester to find large numbers of people standing around, facing the road.

"Excuse me, could you point us to the lake?" Sunny asked one.

There was no response, and the man simply bobbed up and down.

Argyle stepped over. "No use talking to him. He's probably already spoken to somebody else and needs time to reset."

Meanwhile, Hitch was talking to somebody- but seemed a bit impatient.

"Good morning, adventurer, and wel-"

"Skip!"

"As you can see, we are but a hu-"

"Skip!"

"Our waters are threatened by a gi-"

"Skip!"

"If you could help me find my sheep, I co-"

"Skip!"

"Good luck, adventurer!"

Sunny walked over. "Hitch, what if a crucial bit of information was in one of the lines of dialogue you skipped?"

Hitch sighed. "Didn't think of that."

Over on the other side of town, Zipp had found an invisible wall leading to the lake. "Maybe boundary clipping will do the trick," she said, and pushed against it- only to fall straight through the floor and respawn.

"OK, maybe using exploits isn't such a good idea."

After completing some quests, the team were finally able to progress to the lake, where the dreaded Moby Duck reared up before them. He was enormous, and with a booming quack made his presence known.

"This looks pretty tough," Sunny said. "Got any ideas?"

Misty stepped forward, her form glowing. "How about we talk to him instead of just resorting to swords?" she suggested. "Maybe he'll leave the villagers alone if he is given something?"

There was another quack.

"What's he saying, Mis- sorry, what's your character called again?" Goldie asked.

"Lynelda," Misty replied. "He says he needs duck feed. Being such a huge duck is difficult, and he needs more food than most."

Zipp pulled up a walkthrough. "OK, so where do we find duck feed?" she said. Her face fell. "Oh no."

"What's wrong, Zipp?" Pipp asked.

"There's only one place we can get duck feed- back in Camelot."

Sunny smiled. "Good thing one of my spells allows me to fast travel!" She suddenly vanished, and seconds later appeared with quite a lot of duck feed. "Hopefully this'll be enough!"

Moby Duck quacked happily, then picked up the feed and swam off.

Text appeared in the sky. QUEST COMPLETE, and the team glowed.

"What's going on?" Goldie asked.

"We're levelling up!" Sunny said. As she said, a portal opened, and they were pulled through once more.

With a surge of energy, the party was suddenly plopped back into Falmouth, into their seats- and back into their usual clothing, much to Pipp's relief.

"Well, that was quite the adventure, and hopefully we had fun!" Argyle said.

"Was that from the random quests option?" Sunny asked, looking over her father's shoulder. "Ah. Moby Duck. Side quest."

"But being inside the game was pretty wild!" Zipp said. "Never thought I'd actually be inside the game and see how it works!"

"If I know anything," Goldie said, "crazy adventures seem to follow us about. But we're better equipped to handle them now."

"Next week, we resume the search for the Twelve Swords of Lancaster!"

Author's Note

This chapter is an adaptation expansion of Buried in a Good Book, an episode of Tell your Tale. The title is an allusion to the 1982 made-for-television film of the same name that was made at the height of the Dungeons and Dragons moral panic. Incidentally, the film marked the acting debut of Tom Hanks.

Coming up with fantasy names is a key part of RPG games, and some players do get extremely into character when playing. Many of these names were generated using a name generator, but two of them are references to other media. Argyle's character is called Kilmarnock, which is an allusion to the story The Lost Prince where it is revealed this is his real name. It also serves as a double joke in context, as Kilmarnock and Argyle are both Scottish counties.

Hitch's character is named Agafnd, in reference to a character from the infamous novella The Eye of Argon. A short story penned by a fantasy fan in the 1960s, the story draws very heavily on the Conan the Barbarian stories penned by Robert Howard but is best remembered for its heavy use of purple prose and the author's tendancy to invent words. Many of the character names also lack vowels, making it difficult to figure out how to pronounce them; in the case of Agafnd, it is common practice to insert a U between the F and N.

The chapter has numerous Monty Python jokes; the song Spamalot is briefly quoted, and other aspects of the comedy troupe's work is also referenced.

Moby Duck is inspired by a song of the same name written by The Longest Johns. Intended as a spoof of Moby Dick, the song has the feel of a D&D quest gone very, very wrong, which made it an ideal fit for a story affectionately parodying many conventions of the fantasy roleplay genre.

Many of the jokes in Glanchester are references to ones from the internet series Epic NPC Man, which affectionately parodies many conventions of MMORPGs. See if you can spot them all!