Merry Fucking Christmas

Anon had finished his Hearth’s Warming shopping. He had gotten a gift for each of his friends and several gifts for his wife, Pinkie Pie. Thinking about his wife always made him happy. He released a content sigh as he remembered how they met like it was yesterday…

* * *

11 months earlier

Anon had been driving to work and stopped for a cup of coffee and a bagel at Starbucks. He didn’t like using the drive-thru, so he opted to go inside. However, when he walked through the door, he found himself in Sugarcube Corner with a bright pink pony staring at him. Noping right out of there and trying to turn around to go back outside didn’t take him back to Earth, and only left him surrounded by a ton of other brightly colored ponies in a rustic small town with nothing resembling the car that he had been driving to allow him to escape in a timely fashion. Left with no choice but to move forward, he went back inside and walked up to the counter.

The bright pink pony smiled widely at him. “Hiya stranger. My name is Pinkie Pie. New in town?”

Anon nodded. “New in world, it appears. Err… My name is Anon. I, umm, wanted a large coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, but I’m sure the money I have on me won’t work here.”

Pinkie hummed in thought. “I’m sorry, Nonny. We don’t have any bagels, but I can give you a coffee and a cupcake. And I’ll do it free since your new in town and need a friend.”

Anon smiled weakly, as he didn’t like accepting charity, but gave in. Not wanting to trust the chairs to hold his weight, he simply stood by the counter and waited for his order.

Pinkie Pie was humming to herself while pouring the coffee and her tail was dancing back and forth in time to the tune she was humming in an unintentional tease. Anon shallowed hard as he caught a glimpse of the moist pink lips under her tail.

Ponies don’t wear panties… check.

Pinkie Pie turned around to face him and noticed that he was blushing. “Aww… did you see under my tail? That’s a bad boy, Nonny!”

In a panic, he tried to backpedal and deny it but a raised eyebrow from Pinkie stopped him. “Yes… I’m sorry. I swear that I wasn’t trying to see under your tail on purpose, but it was hard to not watch your tail move when it was moving in time to the tune you were humming. Should I turn myself into the local police for being a pervert?”

Pinkie laughed. “No, silly. I was just teasing you. Any colt older than five has seen under a mare’s tail… it’s usually his mother’s or a sister’s. Anyway… here’s your order!”

Anon accepted the coffee and cupcake with a nod, still unsure as to what to think about his predicament. He sipped the coffee and found it to be acceptable, even without cream or sugar. But once he bit into the cupcake, nirvana seemed to take over.

“Oh my god… this cupcake is divine! I could absolutely marry the pony that made this.”

Pinkie squee’d as she shot out of Sugarcube Corner like a… well, he had nothing to compare it to… so he guessed like Pinkie Pie.

She returned just as quickly, wearing a wedding dress and dragging a pony in tow that was apparently the mayor of the town. How she was able to defy the laws of physics and more than likely, the laws of magic, he’ll never know, and he chose not to question it, like anyone trying to keep their sanity might in this situation.

Mayor Mare spoke in a monotone. “Do you, Anon, take Pinkie Pie to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Anon was dumbfounded. “Say what now?”

Mayor Mane looked up at him with indifference. “Marriage. Wedded Bliss. Holy Matrimony. One mare to fuck for the rest of your life. Take your pick, but pick. Do you, Anon, take Pinkie Pie to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Stunned into a stupor, he still managed to nod. “I do…”

Mayor Mare turned to Pinkie Pie. “Do you, Pinkie Pie, take Anon to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Pinkie squee’d again. “Oh, you betcha I do!”

Mayor Mare sighed. “As the power invested in me, I declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Pinkie jumped up to his lips and kissed him passionately. He found himself kissing her back, even though his bestiality alarm was going off nonstop.

Mayor Mare turned to leave. “The weird ones always find the best men. And here I go, back to my lonely office, to clean up with Pinkie destroyed…”

Pinkie dropped back to the ground and smiled up at him. “Yay! We’re married! Let’s start making babies!”

Anon’s mind ground to a halt. “Umm. Will that even be possible?”

Pinkie’s grin grew absurdly big. “Of course, it’s possible. With magic, anything is possible!”

He had no retort to anything about magic, so he went along with it. “O…kay… so sex?”

Pinkie’s grin spanned her entire face. “Yep! To my room! Right there, up the stairs!”

Anon rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. “What if the customers hear us?”

Pinkie winked. “Well then, they get dinner and a show. Stop lollygagging!”

And that was how we ended up married.

* * *

Back to the Present

Anon chuckled at the memory but he remembered being very shy when confronting customers, mostly mares, afterwards, who were miffed about not being able to get cupcakes and hearing lots of sex from upstairs until Mrs. Cake took over the register. Mrs. Cake seemed to understand… she even winked at the new couple when they finally came back downstairs.

“What else could I do? Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie…” He said to himself.

That wasn’t a problem now that Anon had secured them a single-family dwelling that was a vast improvement over the attic room in Sugarcube Corner, and he was very excited about having their first ever Hearth’s Warming and Christmas together under their new roof. He had worked very hard at Barnyard Bargains this year, moving up from a lowly stocker to a full-fledged assistant manager.

Anon had a lot of experience as a warehouse worker and Filthy Rich seemed to like his human employee, although Spoiled Rich and Diamond Tiara didn’t. Maybe it had something to do with him taking Diamond’s eventual promotion in the nepotism of a family-owned business. Of course, Diamond Tiara would also eventually be his boss anyway when Filthy Rich retired. And… she would have no experience as a general manager unless Filthy made her an assistant manager also, even though they only needed one. That was going to be eventually horrible.

Maybe he should consider going into business for himself. Meh, who could say?

Anon saw Spike walking down the path and called out to him. “Hi Spike! Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve!”

Spike grinned. “Hi Anon! Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve to you! I got these for you!”

Anon groaned. “Ah, Spike. You didn’t have to buy me anything…”

Spike rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t buy anything… I found some delicious mushrooms while searching for gems in a cave. I know that Pinkie likes them, so I thought that I’d let you have them, do you want them?”

Anon nodded. “Of course, I’ll take them. And here is your present and Twilight’s present for Hearth’s Warming.”

Spike took the presents and shook his. “Can I open it now?”

Anon smiled. “If you want to…”

Spike tore away the wrapping paper to find a flawless topaz. Topaz may have been one of the cheaper gems, but it was still delicious.

He drooled as he shoved the whole thing into his mouth and ate it. “Thanks Anon… you’re the best!!!”

Anon chuckled as he walked away. Dragons will be Dragons.

Anon dropped off all of his other gifts to his other friends and returned home to a waiting wife. Pinkie Pie smiled at him. “Welcome home, Nonny. Did you get everything done?”

He nodded. “Yup. All the gifts were purchased and delivered, and all of these are for you, my love.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes glossed over. “Aww. You’re so good to me. Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Nonny.”

He kissed her back. “Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Pinkie. What are our plans for tonight?”

Pinkie just smiled. “I’m going to cook something and then we’re going to play a game. Does that sound like fun?”

Anon nodded. “All of your games are fun. Oh, that reminds me. Spike gave me these mushrooms. Do you think you could use them in whatever you’re going to cook?”

Pinkie seemed to recognize the mushrooms. “Yepperoni, I bet I can make a killer pizza with these.”

He chuckled. “You’re a good cook. Make whatever you want with them.”

He settled down to read while the food was cooking and found that in no time at all, the pizza was done. He would have preferred meat on his pizza, but the veggie pizza was okay with the mushrooms, bell peppers, extra sauce, and extra cheese. At least it didn’t have hay.

He ended up eating half of the pizza, as if he couldn’t control his appetite, but he attributed that to all the hard work he had put in recently. Pinkie ended up eating the other half which went a long way to making him feel better about overeating.

Pinkie Pie brought Anon a bottle of Hard Apple Cider Ale and grinned at him. “So… are you ready to play our game?”

Anon nodded. “Of course, what is the game tonight?”

Pinkie’s grin seemed larger than normal. “We’re going to play a variation of 20 questions called ‘Skeletons in the Closet.’ There won’t be 20 questions, exactly, and all the questions will be sexual or otherwise ‘dark’ though. From what I’ve been told, it’s meant to push the limits of love, trust, and martial understanding. You don’t have to ask me any questions if you don’t want to, but I’m dying to get deeper into the human psyche. The most important part is to be honest. I want to understand the real you.”

Anon grinned. “Sounds like my type of game. I’ve always been honest with you, Pinkie, but this is the first time I’ve considered that you may not have been comfortable asking me all the questions you wanted to ask. What’s the first question?”

Pinkie put on a set of reading glasses that she didn’t need but fit with her personality for the game they were playing. “First question. If you had a choice, which of your female friends would you have sex with if you weren’t friend-zoned?”

Anon swallowed hard. “That question is not entirely fair. I got married to you less than 10 minutes after I arrived in this world and all my friends are also your friends. I can’t even begin to consider which mare I would cheat on you with. You’re perfect for me…”

Pinkie snorted. “If the question doesn’t make you uncomfortable, then it’s not pushing any limits! Come on, I wanna know. Which mare, other than me, would you dick down given any chance. You have full consent with this choice.”

Anon rubbed the back of his neck, burning with embarrassment. “Are there any rules to the answer?”

Pinkie considered the question and answered. “Yes. You can’t pick Celestia, Luna, Cadence, or Twilight, because as Princesses, they are unobtainable. Also, Mrs. Cake, Spoiled Rich, Matilda, and Sugar Belle are married, so that’s impossible. Fluttershy is with Discord, and I don’t want to think of what he would do to you if you even touched her so she’s off the table. Plus, Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, Lyra Heartstrings, and Bonbon are lesbians so they wouldn’t take a stallion even if it was gift wrapped. You can have any other consenting mare in town but choose!”

Anon groaned at the question, even with the restrictions. “I guess I would pick Cheerilee. She has high standards, but I think I meet them. She’s smart, has similar coat colors to you, which helps, and likes children. If I had to pick any of the available mares in town, Cheerilee is the only logical choice left.”

Pinkie Pie seemed to take a note of the answer. “Do you have a counter question for me?”

Anon shrugged. “Same question in reverse. Which stallion would you allow to rut you, given half the chance? Given the extreme lack of stallions and the concept of herding… I’ll allow you to pick a married stallion, but you’d have to be willing to tell his wife that you’re fucking her husband.”

Pinkie considered the question. “Maybe Big Mac. I like the shy type and he definitely could get me off.”

Anon huffed. “As if I don’t?”

Pinkie backpedaled. “It’s not that you don’t… it’s just as a pure fantasy choice, he hits all the right buttons… and Sugar Belle is the least likely to kill me for offering myself to her husband.”

Anon nodded. “Fair enough.”

Pinkie wiped sweat off her brow. “Okay, second question, so which filly would you have sex with, given the opportunity? Unicorns come of age at 16, Pegasi at 17 and Earth Ponies at 18… so try to choose a filly under 16 to fit the question.”

Anon sputtered. “Really? Sex with an underaged filly is illegal without some kind of parental consent. How is that a legit question?”

Pinkie blew a raspberry and reminded him. “This is a game. A fantasy. The point is to reach into the deepest, darkest corners of your mind and make an impossible choice. I won’t judge you for it, I just want to know…”

Anon rubbed his face, not sure about trying to answer. “I guess Sweetie Belle. Rarity rubs me the wrong way, but Sweetie Belle is like the polar opposite of her sister. Sweetie Belle is the nicest of the town’s fillies and if I had to dick down any filly, it would be her. And for you, dear, which colt would you have sex with, given the opportunity?”

Pinkie considered the question. “Probably Button Mash. His mom already has sex with him so at least he’s not a virgin, though, that probably doesn’t help my case in picking him. He’s probably one of the few colts in town that wouldn’t turn me down if I made the offer and as you know… it’s easy for a mare to lift her tail.”

Anon pursed his lips. “I’ll allow it, but only because part of what makes a fantasy, ‘sexy’, is the barest possibility of it coming true. Next question?”

Pinkie smiled as she made a note of his answer. “Okay… same two questions, with a twist. Which mare and filly would you rape, given half a chance.”

Anon stilled while considering a response. “I’m not sure that I’m capable of raping any mare or filly. It’s a very awkward question for me to try to tackle. I’m guessing that you want me to try to answer it anyways since this is a ‘fantasy’, and it will never happen, and this is a game in a purely hypothetical sense?”

Pinkie nodded. “There has to be at least one mare that you want, that wouldn’t want you, that you would have to rape in you wanted to have sex with her. I’ll even take off the other previous restrictions for this one since the mare wouldn’t be willing.”

Anon shook his head. “No, no… rape is bad enough without raping a married mare. I don’t know… it was hard enough to pick a mare to have sex with, that wasn’t you, without having to rape her. This is a very odd game to play on Hearth’s Warming Eve… Hmm. Maybe Starlight Glimmer. I kinda like her but I also find her annoying. She would never willingly sleep with me though so rape would be the only way.”

Pinkie took the note and nudged him with her elbow. “And the filly?”

With a resigned sigh, he answered without fighting it. “Diamond Tiara. I respect my boss, but his daughter is a stuck-up little brat. I understand that she used to be worse before the crusaders got their cutie marks but it’s hard to imagine her being worse than what I’ve seen at work. She would also never willingly have sex with me so if I had to rape a filly, Diamond Tiara is the only one I could bring myself to do it to. She’s mad at me for taking her eventual promotion to Assistant Manager so that would make it sweeter. Same questions for you. Which Stallion and Colt would you rape… if it was possible to rape one. I’ve found that most stallions and colts are all too willing.”

Pinkie frowned. “Maybe Filthy Rich for not giving you a better raise. I would have to rape him in a painful way so that it’s not a reward, but it could be done. As for the colt… the only one that comes to mind is Pound Cake. He would probably be willing to have sex with me at some point, but at his age, he only has eyes for his twin sister so… it would be rape if it happened now-ish. However, even I would have to admit that I’d have to wait a few years to get anything out of it. He’s too young to really do anything with.”

Anon covered his eyes with his hands. “I can’t believe what I’ve admitted to, even as a hypothetical fantasy. I halfway feel like I should turn myself into the Royal Guard for Pre-Meditated Pervert-ism. Or Pre-Meditated Rape. Or for being a fillyphile. I’m not that bad of a guy, am I?”

Pinkie hugged him. “You’re doing great. Only a few more questions. Out of me and all my friends, which of our moms would you have sex with?”

Anon side-eyed Pinkie and took a long drag of ale. “All of your moms are married, and Applejack’s mom is dead.”

Pinkie’s grin grew wider with the taboo of the question, leaving Anon exasperated. “I guess Twilight Velvet. Since I have zero chance with Princess Twilight, by your rules, her mom would have to be close enough. I won’t entertain necromancy to get laid. My parents aren’t here so that’s a no-go. Which of your friends Dad’s would you have sex with?”

Pinkie hummed in thought. “Given the choices, I think I would fuck my own dad. He gave my mom four daughters so if he managed to accidently get me pregnant, that would be a huge win.”

Anon raised an eyebrow at her. “A huge win for who?”

Pinkie’s smile spanned her face. “A huge win for you! Do you think that I’m such a prude and insecure in our marriage that I won’t allow you to fuck our daughters? Incest in Wincest, and I hope her cute little filly pussy makes you happy. I would kill to watch you fuck her. Even better if you cum inside her. The thought of watching your warm baby-making seed ooze out of her gives me tingles.”

Anon took a long drag of ale and refused to comment. He really thought that incest was exclusively a unicorn problem…

Pinkie jotted his answers down and looked up. “This one might be a little harder to answer. If you had to kill a mare, any mare for any reason, who would you kill and why?”

Anon finished off the bottle of ale and Pinkie brought him another one. With a sigh, he considered his options. “I don’t hate anypony enough to kill them or even wish them harm, but since you’re not going to let this go and I have to make a choice, I guess I’d have to pick Derpy.”

That choice seemed to shock even Pinkie. “Why Derpy?”

He shrugged. “She’s always losing your party invitations in the mail. Humans had a law called the ‘Disability Act’ that required employers to give jobs to people with disabilities, but they were always non-critical jobs, like being a door greeter at a store. Delivering the mail is a very important job, and I kinda feel like Derpy should be doing something less critical. Derpy has wrecked town hall, she loses letters, she’s useless in weather control and does next to nothing during winter wrap up. Derpy is useless, period. I don’t even think she’d be worth fucking. So, I picked a mare that has to die. You asked the question.”

Pinkie took the note and got herself a bottle of ale. Maybe that was darker than even she was willing to accept. But she did ask the question.

Anon continued. “Which mare would you kill and why?”

Pinkie knew the question was coming. “I would kill any mare that you fucked that didn’t satisfy you. I know that concept of herding is weird for you and the rough human equivalent of an open marriage is a turn off for you, given that from your stories of your world, human women seemed to find hook ups easier than men, or would simply cheat. Well, Equestria is the exact opposite. I know that you still have bad days where you wish that you were back on Earth and if fucking other mares made you happy enough to be happy here, in this life, with me, I’d let you fuck them all. I’d even help you find willing mares if that’s what you wanted. But I’d kill all the ones that disappointed you because you deserve the best. The best mares. The best fillies. The best pussy no matter who it belonged to. The best of every mare.”

The silence following her confession was deafening. That answer had sounded less like a fantasy response and more like a of a statement of intentions. Would she really round up as many mares as he wanted and convince them to lift their tails? Would it hurt his marriage if he told her he was willing to try it… if only to make himself happier…

Anon took another long swig of ale and decided to change the subject. “What’s the next question? There aren’t enough stallions in the world to joke about killing one, so I guess that’s a moot point. The only logical question left would have to be which mare would I like to get pregnant? You! It’s always been you. We’ve been trying for months with no success. I’d kill Derpy and another pony besides that to be able to be a father. Oh, my bad. The point of the fantasy is to choose a pony other than you. Maybe the answer to that one is Flurry Heart. Maybe as a young, super fertile alicorn, she could carry my human seed to term. But she’s a princess and a filly and probably wouldn’t let me touch her so that’s breaking all the rules.”

Pinkie sighed but jotted down the information. “Yeah, raping a filly princess and impregnating her does break all the rules. Unfortunately, she’s too young to get pregnant… But hey! At least you got it off your chest.”

Anon snorted. “Yeah… as if I’d ever do any of this crap. I probably don’t tell you that I love you nearly enough, but you know that I do. I work hard at my job and still find time to attend all your parties that aren’t happening while I’m working. I got this house for us so we wouldn’t be stuck in the attic of Sugarcube Corner. We’ve been trying to expand our family with no success. I guess we need more magic.”

Pinkie nodded. “Hmm. Well. To answer the question that you didn’t ask… even if it is breaking my own rules, I will say that there is no stallion that I’ve ever met that I would allow to breed me. Even in the other cases of having sex with or raping other stallions, per the other previous questions, I would make them dismount before they finished. The only stallion I want to breed me is you… or maybe my father, but even then… my dad finishing inside would have to be an accident. I wouldn’t do it on purpose.”

Anon smiled a little as he took yet another long drag of ale. “That kinda makes me feel better but does it change anything? I’d love to start a family with you, even without the exotic tease of having daughters.”

Pinkie squee’d. “Well… I do some good news for you…”

Anon raised an eyebrow while taking a sip. “Yeah?”

Pinkie smiled. “I’m pregnant! And yes, it’s yours. We should have a foal, hopefully a daughter, sometime next summer.”

Anon spit out his ale and looked at Pinkie in shock. “REALLY! OH MY GOD! I’M SO HAPPY! This is the best Christmas gift ever!”

Anon hugged Pinkie tightly. He released her quickly and looked back at her in shock. “Should you be drinking ale while pregnant?”

Pinkie shrugged. “It’s a problem for Pegasi but not so much for Earth Ponies. I just got to keep it to one or less a day and drink extra water.”

Anon traced his gaze over her entire body, as if inspecting it. Pinkie pushed him away and rolled her eyes. “Nonny… I’m not made of glass now just because I’m pregnant. The game is done for today. Can we go outside and sing some songs?”

Anon smiled. “Sure. I’ll teach you the human Christmas version of ‘White Christmas’ and ‘Deck the Halls.’ It should be a fun night, but I want you to stay warm, okay?”

Pinkie kissed him warmly. “Of course, whatever makes you feel better.”

They went outside and sang some, Anon sang badly but he tried. They eventually went back inside the cozy warm house and Pinkie helped him into bed. He was sluggish from the pizza and the ale.

She kissed him on the forehead. “Good night Nonny. When you wake up, it’ll be Christmas and Hearth’s Warming morning.”

Anon smiled to himself as he dozed off.

After all, nothing ever went wrong on Christmas morning. Right?

Right…