Blasting a hole in a window of the Canterlot palace, I projected my voice throughout the building as I made my way back to the throne room. "I warned you! I fucking warned you! But no! Nopony listens to old Starlight! Now your flanks are gonna get well acquainted with my hooves!" Knocking out any guards who got in my way, I quickly found the oversized double doors before blasting them off their hinges. "You done bucked up sun butt!"

Celestia's usual majestic facade was shattered at the sight of the rage fueled Alicorn before her. "Why is it that when I returned to the future, the first sight I was greeted to was a giant burning hole in the sky where the sun should be?"

"What?" Celestia's alabaster coat somehow turned even more pale.

Her act of ignorance was pissing me off. "I'm sorry, I don't speak 'what', answer in Ponish! What did you do to destroy the world this time?"

"What?" Celestia's legs began to shake.

"Say 'what' again! I dare you-I double dare you, mother bucker!" I may have been over reacting a bit, but at the time, I really didn't give a damn.

"Starlight Glimmer! Cease your temper tantrum and explain yourself!" Luna appeared in front of her sister, snapping me out of my rampage. "It seems your time travel exploits have caused you some degree of brain damage. It has barely been ten minutes since we've last seen you."

By this time, I had landed and was now doing my best impression of Fluttershy. "Sorry, it's just... when I saw that, thing in the sky I just... sorry," I finished lamely.

Luna relaxed her scowl and addressed me with a wellspring of patience I've only ever seen from Fluttershy. "Well, now that you're no longer on a war path for my sister's head, would you mind explaining what went wrong? I assure you we have every intention of following your advice, so how could the world have ended?" She appeared genuinely concerned.

I furrowed my brow in concentration. "I guess what I told you wasn't enough. I might need to prevent the war entirely." Looking up at the diarchs, I tilted my head in befuddlement. "What even happened with the zebras to cause this war?"

Celestia, having recovered her composure, decided to answer. "Well, like I said last time you were here, it isn't a war yet. They may be increasing their naval security after we seized a shipment of coal, but they have yet to actually attack us."

My confusion turned to anger. "Why did you steal a coal shipment?"

Celestia returned my cool glare. "We had already paid for it with a shipment of gems. They were the ones illegally withholding their end of the deal."

Back to confusion. "Why did they withhold the coal?" I hoped this line of questioning wouldn't take all day.

To my surprise, Luna spoke up before Celestia could answer. "The newly elected Caesar is attempting to make up for a bruised ego," she said, rolling her eyes. "Apparently he felt we overstepped our bounds when we sent in a fleet of Wonderbolts to rescue some captives of zebra pirates. No zebras were killed, but we lost four Wonderbolts..." Luna trailed off looking forlorn.

Nodding in understanding, I took a moment to come up with a plan. "Alright... gimme a date and location. I'll go back, teleport in, rescue the captives, and leave. Nopony or zebra will be any the wiser, including yourselves. With any luck, this will put everything back on track."

"Very well, give me a moment to retrieve the incident report," Luna replied before teleporting off to where I assume was the royal guard archive. A moment later, she was back and levitating a manila folder to me. Yet, before I could wrap my magic around it, she yanked it out of my range. "Be sure that if you fail to achieve the results you desire, that you refrain from returning with the intention of violence against us. If you are truly a princess, act like it!"

With that, she dropped the folder in front of me. Catching it in my own magic, I looked up apologetically. "Thanks Luna, I'll be sure to keep that in mind." Then I sighed, remembering all I had been through and imagining just how much harmony might want me to do. "Honestly, I just hope I don't lose my sanity from all this," I muttered darkly. Before either of them could say a word, I was off.

While I like to think I'm more stealthy than the average mare, I found I had my work cut out for me. Sneaking around Canterlot and spying on Twilight my first go around was nothing compared to trying to sneak around a zebra pirate base. My first attempt ended up setting off all the alarms ten seconds after teleporting in. While I was able to rewind time back to before I arrived, that seemed to burn through a lot of my magic reserves. "Looks like it's time to put my ninja skills to the test Glim-glam." Apparently, I couldn't rely on my time magic this time around. This timeline really doesn't agree with me.

After doing some flyby reconnaissance, I located a small gap in their security before I cast every stealth enchantment I could think of. Invisibility, muffled hooves, and a perception filter. Flying into the gap, I started creeping towards where the incident report said the captives were held. Any zebra guard I came across was zapped with a sleep spell and hidden in a nearby bush. While this island's lush flora was excellent for camouflage and hiding bodies, I was making way too much noise for my liking every time I ruffled a fern.

It wasn't long before I started hearing voices. No clue what they were saying, but it didn't sound urgent, so I kept up my steady pace. As I drew closer, I was finally able to make out the two zebras in a clearing... standing in front of the jail cells. While the repurposed shipping containers were rusted and riddled with holes of various shapes, I couldn't breach them without making a ton of noise.

Taking a deep breath, I readied my knock out spell, aimed for the guard on the left, and fired. As soon as it hit, he went limp, while his partner jumped to attention, scanning the area. As he made his way over to me, I could see his eyes darting to and fro taking in all his surroundings. His nostrils flared, his ears swiveled and just as he was practically in my face, he relaxed a little. What blew me away though was he then said in perfect Ponish, "must have just been my imagination."

What the buck? That perception filter is stronger than I thought! Thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to redo this whole mission, I lined up another knockout spell and fired. Checking the two guards for a key, I was surprised to also find one had an entire wheel of cheese in his saddle bags, and the other had a small tin of candies labeled 'mint-all'. Deciding to just take everything, I dumped their stuff in my own saddle bags before retrieving the key and opening the makeshift jail. Looking inside I noticed the zebras backed off in fear before one of them tentatively took a few steps toward the unobstructed doors. Checking the number of hostages against the incident report, I was relieved to know I wouldn't have to repeat this process.

After teleporting all those zebras and myself back to the nearest zebra sea port, I collapsed from the pain of a thousand buffalo stampeding on my brain. While my invisibility fizzled out, my perception filter remained. All around my writhing body, I caught glimpses of dock workers carrying goods, ignoring the spamming mare. One zebra trotted up to me looking concerned, but as soon as they got within hooves reach, they looked up, blinked, and walked away as if forgetting why they were there in the first place.

It was at least an hour before I could finally stand. The first thing I noticed was a lack of any of the captive zebras. The next thing I noticed was what looked like a group of guard zebras being lead by the zebra who had come to help earlier. Not wanting to stick around, I flew off, trying to avoid giving myself an aneurysm. "Damn, what the buck was that? I've never had that bad of a reaction to using magic before. Are horns just, weaker in this timeline?"

While I contemplated the possible reasons for this discrepancy, I kept my eyes out for a nice cloud to rest on. It took a few hours of flight, but I finally spotted a rogue cloud to plop myself down on. "Man, as soon as I get back, I need a vacation. Who knows what kind of worlds I'll have to fix next."

[...]

Princess Celestia landed gracefully before my eyes before she smiled up at the sky, yet something felt off about her. Before I could place it, she spoke in that soothing motherly tone that melted any misgivings I had. "It's a beautiful day Twilight. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. On days like this, ponies like you..." Celestia trailed off, closing her eyes, and turning to face me directly. "Should be burning in Tartarus!" Opening her eyes, she revealed a burning blue flame where her left iris was supposed to be.

[...]

Waking up in a cold sweat, I bolted upright, true terror gripping my very soul. "What the buck brain!" After shaking myself out of my stupor, I checked my magic reserves. It seemed like my nap restored most of my magic. Sighing in relief that I wouldn't have to fly back to Equestria, I lit up my horn and teleported back to the cutie map. "Let's try this again!" Lighting up my horn and closing my eyes, I once again found myself 200 years in the future.

"Now, I'm gonna open my eyes, and there's gonna be sunshine and rainbows." I opened my eyes and saw... another wasteland. My left eye twitched, my mane frizzed, I could feel the rage building up as red clouds of magic fumed from my horn. I temporarily lit on fire before collapsing in exhaustion. However, I soon felt a small niggling sensation all over my body. It felt similar to that first wasteland, but stronger. Looking up, I noticed Ponyville was a glowing crater, the lip of which was just a few hooves away from the map table.

Deciding I might as well investigate, I hopped off the map and the moment my hooves touched the ground, they felt... like I was getting a hoof massage at the spa. Not only that, but my whole body started feeling refreshed. Making my way closer to the center, the feeling only grew and spread over my whole body. By the time I made it to the center of the crater, it was practically orgasmic. All over my body, it felt like tiny pin pricks of pleasure were penetrating every fiber of my being.

I once again collapsed, not from exhaustion, but from a lack of desire to move away from this Elysium. I even rolled around in the glowing dust, rubbing it into my coat. I'm not sure how long I spent just reveling in that pit, but I eventually noticed some changes. My legs and horn were suddenly longer, my mane and tail took on an ethereal quality to them, my wings were floofier, my coat was a dark violet, and my whole body started glowing a faint green color.

"Huh, this is new." As I fully took stock of my new appearance, I noticed the mind blowing pleasure had mostly faded. On top of that, I felt an odd lump under my hooves. Digging around the center of the crater, I found a strange white orb that looked like a golf ball blown up to the size of a pony's head. Sitting on my haunches, I levitated it into my hooves to examine it further.

Next thing I knew, a commanding voice boomed out in my mind. "NEW HOOVES HAVE TOUCHED THE BEACON!"

"What," was all I could get out before the voice continued.

"MY SACRED LAND HAS BEEN INFESTED WITH FERAL GHOULS! EXTERMINATE THE VERMIN AND I SHALL GRANT YOU MY BOON!" The voice went silent after that, but I still felt like it was watching me, hiding in some corner of my mind. My suspicions only grew when I suddenly knew exactly where the voice wanted me to go.

On one hoof, I should probably get back to the past to figure out what went wrong, while on the other hoof, this sounded like a great way to vent some frustration. I wasn't sure exactly what a feral ghoul was, but if I was just going to fix this timeline anyway, it didn't really matter how much collateral damage I caused here. That's the spirit! Embrace your violent side!

"I thought I lost you in the last wasteland," I said to myself. You did for a bit, but then you found yourself again, and I'm so happy you did. You didn't even know you were lost! I'm so proud, my little violent pony. "Well congratulations you condescending cognitive construct! We're going to blow off some steam, enjoy the ride!"

Finally opening the hidden back door to the temple, I sighed in relief. "Damn, that was a lot more fun than I thought it would be." I never thought I'd see you killing a flying lich with a plasma shot gun, but damn if you didn't pull it off like a champ. "Not to mention I learned a surprising amount of geophysics." Yeah, whoever sent you on this quest must really like you. "Huh, that reminds me, I still have this 'beacon' thing. Wonder what it's even for." Pulling said item from my saddle bags, I once again examine it in my hooves, still amazed at my increased size.

"WELL DONE STARLIGHT GLIMMER! YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF WORTHY TO BE MY CHAMPION. MEET ME IN MY TEMPLE AND I SHALL REWARD YOU HANDSOMELY!" Once again, a location was beamed into my head, and out of a mix of curiosity and really wanting that reward, I teleported.

Reappearing, I found myself standing outside a massive cuboid building in the middle of what looked like the diamond dog territory. "If this is a temple, this goddess or whatever it is needs a new architect."

"ENTER... and yeah, it sucks, but at the time it was built they didn't really care about making it look cool." That voice was starting to sound oddly familiar as it took on a more… casual tone. Making my way into what I assumed were the front doors, I had to duck to avoid hitting my horn on the glass door frame.

"Hello?" My voice was met with a reception desk staffed with a pony skeleton.

"Just ignore the receptionist. She hasn't actually done her job in over a century if you could believe it, so hard to find good help." The voice was actually reverberating throughout the building. I also noticed what looked like ghostly green felt arrows pointing down a specific hall way.

Might as well follow through, even if it's probably a trap. "Well thanks to this power boost, I get the feeling I can handle anything this world can throw at me." Famous last words. Pointedly ignoring my inner pessimist, I made my way to the designated path, ending in swinging double doors which opened up into a massive room, easily dwarfing the royal throne room in Canterlot. What I didn't understand was the obscene numbers of catwalks hanging from the ceiling.

"I know right? Ponies in this timeline were just obsessed with catwalks for some reason. For that matter, why is it called a catwalk? I've never seen a cat walking on one of those hanging metal walkways. Oooh! You're here already! Darn it, I wanted it to be a proper surprise, but I guess the cat's out of the bag. Huh, what is it with cats today?" By the end of the tirade, I was positive I knew who was talking in my head, but the coalescing holographic pony head floating in the middle of the room confirmed it.

"Pinkie!" I wasn't sure if I was glad to see a familiar face, or terrified that the pink pony seemed to have godly powers. "How did this happen?"

"Well, it all started when Little Pip explained what a PipBuck is, then went on to tell her story of exploring the wasteland and trying to save ponies and eventually kinda sacrificing her personal autonomy to save the wasteland a bit? Great story, too bad you didn't stick around to read it with Fluttershy, but if you want you can bring a copy home with you once you're done here!" Before I could respond, a massive grey book big enough to kill a catTM was pulled out of the aether and dropped in my saddle bags.

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, while I'm at it, I might as well send you off with all the supplementary material. I know Twilight will have a field day with these! They might even take her a whole month to get through!" Once again a tome was materialized, a red one this time, and almost three times larger than the last. However, a few more books were pulled from... wherever Pinkie Pie pulled stuff from. A green one about twice the size of the first book, a purple one that looked slightly smaller than the first, and a pink one that looked about the size of any average book in Twilight's library.

"What? Wait... what?" While I was standing there dumbfounded, Pinkie just kept stuffing my saddle bags.

"Well you retconned all those great stories with your time magic, just like you'll do when you go back again, but I felt it would be a shame if ponies couldn't enjoy them, so feel free to make copies and distribute those bad boys! Since the events in them never happened, you can even label them as fiction. But enough about all that, you're here to find out what keeps going wrong, and I'm your Pinkie ex Machina!" Before I could say another word, my head was flooded with raw information.

Collapsing on the ground, all I could do was curl in the fetal position while my brain was used as a dumpster. I could feel some warm thick fluid flowing from my nose as I clutched my hooves to my temples in a vain attempt to alleviate some of the pain.

Countless images, impressions, and feelings flashed through my head in nauseating succession. Faster than I could make any sense of, I experienced countless lives. The sight of gray skies, the feel of rain drenching my coat, the smell of blood and gunpowder, the color green. Twin fetuses squirming in my abdomen, the pain of a whip on my back, pillars of light falling from the sky, my flesh burning away in a plume of fire…Then, just as suddenly as it started, the pain was gone, and I knew exactly how to fix this accursed timeline.

There was one last question I needed answered. "Pinkie," I rasped out through the pain in my... everything. "Why did you send me on that beacon quest?" I sure hoped Pinkie could hear me, because I could barely hear myself as my body slowly healed.

"Oh, I just thought you could use a fun distraction for once."

"Luna damn it Pinkie Pie... you are so random." I shook my head as I finally stood on my hooves.

"Hey! That's Dashie's line, silly!" She just giggled at my look of utter dumbfounded confusion. "Good luck on your big quest and... Starlight?" The giant pinkie head shrunk down to a hologram of Pinkie's whole body before it walked up, and hugged me. "Thank you, for everything." Pulling back, I saw she wore a smile, but her eyes radiated the same sorrow I saw in Fluttershy's. "You're preventing more suffering than you can possibly imagine, please remember that."

After I recovered from my shock, I gave a stiff nod. "That's good to hear, I'll try to keep that in mind."

Before I headed back to the past, I decided to make a final pit stop in that beautiful radioactive crater. I would have to avoid most ponies in the past for a bit due to the fact I myself would be radioactive until I expended a good amount of magic. In any case, if I needed more, I could just find some star metal to smash against the moonstone orb I have in my saddle bags.

Huh, so that's what that thing was. "Yeah, I guess Pinkie thought of everything huh?" Yeah, that sure was convenient huh? "Don't look a gift from a horse in the mouth!" I think that radiation is giving you brain damage. "Shut up. We're going with my plan, it's gonna be epic, so just enjoy the fireworks. I know I will."

Footnote: Maximum Level Reached.

Quest perk added: Touched by a goddess: So it wasn't enough that you start out a max level and super OP, but now you just get a deus ex machina as a reward for some dumb side quest? Fine! Whatever! You're taking all the fun out of the game though! You now know exactly how to solve all your problems!

Author's Note

After this, there's just one more chapter, and Starlight will finally move on to a new story. I won't be taking this long on most other stories though, I wanted this to be the longest "fix" because Fallout Equestria and its side stories have a reputation for being obscenely long, except Pink Eyes. That's a pretty reasonably length. If you do like long stories though, I do recommend reading Project Horizons. I'm almost done reading it for the second time. Definitely preferable to listen to the audio book.
Most authors appreciate feedback.