Author's Note
Sorry but despite the name, I'm into this too lol
Griffons Can't Cook
Celestia pulled the brush back from her flowing, ethereal mane as she finished brushing it and inspected herself in the bathroom mirror. Everything looked in tip top shape as she traced her hand down her face, letting it come to rest just above her breasts.
The yellow dress she wore was a perfect mix of modest and mildly revealing. The dress came all the way down to the middle of her thigh in a pleated skirt, while the top covered all but a sliver of cleavage. It was casual enough she didn't mind wearing it in off hours, but formal enough for diplomatic meetings like the one she had coming up today.
In reality, this wasn't her bathroom; it was part of a guest suite, one of several in a wing of Griffonstone castle. Celestia and Luna had been here the last three days, enjoying the sights and local culture, and most importantly, working on a new trade agreement with the griffons. They were getting close to wrapping it up, and she expected to be heading home by the end of tomorrow.
Admiring herself one last time, Celestia tore away from the mirror and prepared to leave. Before she could though, she hesitated, as if she forgot something. There was, in fact, one small problem...
Griffons were primarily meat eaters, ponies were not. The griffon cooks had done their best to provide for Celestia and her sister, but the food so far had been sub-par. This wouldn't be a huge issue; she could stomach poor food in the interest of diplomacy, but whatever she'd eaten on this trip had seriously messed up her gut.
As if on cue, Celestia's stomach gurgled in pain, and she glanced at the toilet in the corner nervously. The last time she used it for anything other than relieving her bladder was...three days ago.
Alicorn bowels (and bladders) could hold a lot, but not three days worth of food without something having gone wrong. If she was back in Canterlot this would be an annoyance at worst; the toilets in her private chambers were built to handle it. Here though, if she tried to use a normal toilet there would be serious consequences. At first she hoped she would need to go soon, now she hoped she could make it to tomorrow before all Tartarus broke loose.
In the distance Celestia heard someone knocking on her bedroom door, announcing breakfast was to be served soon. Biting her lip, Celestia put herself past the heavy feeling in her stomach and left the bathroom.
With a fork, Celestia slowly picked away at the stack of pancakes in front of her. Dry and bland, they weren't the worst thing to eat, but she was already sick of them from previous days. She was half ready to throw up, but as Equestria's ruler, that wasn't a message she could afford to send.
At the other end of the long ornate table, Luna sat munching on a plate of equally-terrible pancakes with an unreadable expression. A trio of griffon chefs stood off to the side, watching the pair with a mix of eagerness and worry. If they weren't present maybe she could be a little more sparing, but now she was obligated to eat the whole thing.
Arguably worse though, was the knowledge that she was making her bathroom situation ever so slightly worse. Celestia's stomach felt full and heavy, yet there still wasn't the slightest urge to go. She still couldn't tell if this was a good or bad thing, so she tried to perish the thought as she choked down the rest of the pancakes. Several agonizing minutes later, her plate was clean.
"Delicious," she lied through her teeth.
"Could use some more syrup," Luna commented, making Celestia bristle. Thankfully it wasn't the worst thing her sister could have said, but Luna's brutal honestly had a habit of showing through at inopportune times. The chefs simply murmured and wrote some things down. A moment later another chef came out, another two stacks of pancakes in his claws. Both princesses politely refused.
With breakfast over, the two sisters rose from their seats and left the dining room. Next up was the penultimate meeting with the griffon king, hashing out the rest of the treaty and hopefully coming to a mutual agreement before the final draft and signing of it.
As they walked, Celestia could feel breakfast settling already. Much to her discomfort, this combined with the movement of her body as she made her way down the hall meant things were starting to move in her stomach. For better or worse she didn't feel any need to take a dump yet, but she could feel a gassy pressure building in her rear.
If it weren't for her sister at her side, Celestia would've let rip. Sadly for her, she wasn't about to reveal her predicament to Luna; there was no way she could hide it from the pony that knew her the best, and Luna would never let her hear the end of it. Despite the pain in her gut, Celestia held her fart, silently praying for an opportunity for them to separate.
Unfortunately, none came. To add insult to injury, the pair passed by not one, but two bathrooms. Celestia considered ducking inside for a moment and telling Luna to continue on ahead, but something told her Luna would pick up on it. Thankfully the urge to fart eventually dissipated as they arrived at the king's meeting room. Hopefully her gut's remained pacified for the rest of the day.
Celestia and Luna funneled into a large room dominated by a dark wooden table in the center. Plush wooden chairs with red cushioning flanked the table, while the walls were covered in dusty bookshelves, paintings, and rustic lanterns. Griffon officers and diplomats occupied some of the chairs, though the king and more of his aides had yet to arrive. The two sisters pulled up their assigned chairs and patiently waited for the rest of the group to arrive.
They didn't have to wait too long. A few minutes later the double doors opened and a pair of soldiers stepped through, followed by a griffon dressed in an ornate purple coat. Numerous chairs shuffled as the seated griffons and the princesses sat up briefly to bow, an action Celestia felt. They weren't allowed to sit back down until the king had done so, but she was glad when they finally did. If nothing else, the seated position made it easier to ignore her bowels.
The meeting began in earnest, with little time for pleasantries before they got down to business. With the treaty nearing completion, but still several hours of work to be done, all parties were eager to have it done. Especially Celestia. As the griffons began making their opening points, the sun princess put herself past the nagging in her bowels and focused on the meeting at hand.
Ah...this isn't good...
Celestia subtly squirmed in her seat, tightly pressing her butt together to contain her waste. A few hours had passed already, with much progress being made to get the treaty done. Unfortunately Celestia's gut had done quite a bit of progress as well; her bowels finally felt ready to release, as if realizing this was the worst possible time to finally loosen up.
Holding it until the end of their diplomatic trip was now no longer an option. Even holding it till the end of the day was up in the air. She ground her teeth together, cursing the cosmically unlucky timing. If it wasn't for the meeting and the fear of what she'd do to a toilet on a whim, she'd gladly excuse herself.
Instead, the poor princess still had several more hours to look forward to, all while holding back one of her largest dumps in recent memory. At least I don't have to fart, she attempted to console herself. Recrossing her legs, Celestia idly tapped her fingers while she gently fidgeted again.
"Are you okay, sister?"
Celestia jumped ever so slightly in her seat as the whisper of Luna's voice next to her cut through the din of griffon diplomats and dignitaries. When she looked over, Luna stared back with an expression of mild curiosity and a hint of worry. "I'm fine Luna," she whispered back.
"You are a terrible liar. You've having been fidgeting this entire time, and you keep crossing your legs. Something's up," Luna replied, smiling mischievously.
Shit, she knows. Celestia blushed; no matter how subtle she was in regards to something, Luna would always end up seeing through it. She half considered continuing to try and brush it off, but there was no point; Luna would find out eventually. "I, ugh...need to use the facilities," she muttered, averting her gaze.
When Celestia looked up, she saw Luna struggling not to laugh. "Oh that's it Tia? Here I thought it was something serious!" she snickered, her voice dangerously growing in volume.
Celestia quickly shushed her, glaring. "Laugh all you want when we're done here, but it is serious," she hissed. "This griffon food messed me up, I haven't needed to go since we got here until...now."
Luna frowned. "...oh. Three whole days without po-" Celestia gently coughed. "Hmm, are you going to be okay?"
"I would be if there were alicorn sized toilets here, "Celestia grimaced.
"Well I can relate to that at least. It's so annoying remembering to go even when I don't feel like it. I've barely avoided plugging the toilet four times since we got here."
"I did not need to know that."
A smile. "You started it. Anyway, perhaps you should just go outside then?" Luna snickered, fully deserving the hateful glare that followed.
I almost considered that, Celestia replied in her head, careful not to give Luna anymore ammunition than she already had. She sighed instead, leaving Luna to her own devices. Glancing at the clock, she prayed for a swift end to the meeting.
Just a few more hours to go...
Several agonizing hours passed for Celestia before the meeting finally started to wrap up. Just in time, as the urgent need to have a bowel movement had become critical. As everyone got up from their seats, so did Celestia and Luna, the former trying hard to hide her shaky legs and awkward movements from everyone but her sister.
Squeezing her butt tightly, Celestia walked out into the elaborate halls of the griffon king's castle, with Luna in tow. Two pairs of high heels clicked against the tile floor, but neither of them spoke until they were well down the halls away from the other diplomats and any castle servants or guards.
"How are you holding up, Tia?" Luna finally wondered.
Celestia groaned quietly. "I feel like I'm going to ruin these panties and half the floor if I don't get on a toilet soon. I haven't needed to poop this bad in years!"
Luna offered a few genuine words of consolation, but there wasn't much else that could be done as the two continued searching for a bathroom. Thankfully Celestia didn't have to wait too long; signs for a bathroom showed up around the next corner, which she started rushing towards.
Forced to jog to catch up, Luna burst into the bathroom a second behind Celestia. "Ah good, a two stall bathroom!"
Celestia was about the enter the left stall, but Luna's odd comment gave her pause. Suddenly her eyes grew wide. "Huh? Wait, are you seriously going to..."
Luna rolled her eyes. "We both spent six hours in that meeting without a single break. I'd rather go here than plug my guest bathroom." Celestia's expression remained unchanged. "Oh come on Tia, I've heard you do way worse!"
"Not like...this," Celestia weakly replied, only to feel her gut tense. "But ugh, fine, whatever, I can't wait anymore!"
While Luna casually took the stall next to Celestia, the latter was already tearing down her panties. Hiking up her dress, the white alicorn slammed her butt upon the comparatively tiny toilet, her cheeks spilling over the edge. The toilet barely contained her butt, much less what was about to emerge.
A loud crackle began to fill the bathroom as Celestia finally stopped holding, moaning with relief. A thick, dark brown rope of poop emerged from her pristine cheeks, rapidly emerging despite its girth and coiling up in the bottom of the bowl. Bracing herself with her hands against the stall walls, Celestia bit her lip and grunted as she kept squeezing out more and more. After several seconds of this, she finally felt the rope slip out, and spread her legs to inspect the damage. She immediately blushed and whirled around to flush the toilet.
The toilet struggled to handle Celestia's log, but by some miracle it went down without incident. Which was quite fortunate, as so far she barely felt any noticeable relief. As the toilet finished roaring, it gave way to the sound of Luna peeing loudly into her toilet next door. "Done already sis? Or is it gonna be a double flusher?" she laughed.
Celestia's face burned with embarrassment, but she was already starting on another log. "Hnnnghh, this is going to be a quintuple flusher at least..." Luna's laughs grew even louder.
Once again Celestia's anus opened, and a similarly massive turd began emerging. Her spine tingled with relief as it coiled up below, though she still felt no emptier. To make matters worse, the potent smell of her dump was already filling the bathroom. She quietly coughed and fanned the air, while mentally preparing herself to endure the hair-curling smell for at least several more minutes.
As Celestia filled the toilet for a second time, a loud blasting fart rang out, but not from her. Faced with an opportunity to finally get back at her sister, she took it. "Oooh, not, mmf, bad Lulu! You just sunk, ah, my destroyer!"
Luna did not sound as amused. "Tia, how stupid would I have to be to play battleshits with you right now? You sunk my entire fleet with your opening salvo."
Despite her situation, Celestia snickered, and she could hear a hint of amusement in Luna's voice as well. A moment later Luna added to the sound in the bathroom with a noisy crackle from her stall, though it remained completely drowned out by what Celestia was producing.
With a quiet splash, Celestia felt her second log fall out, and quickly clenched her quivering butt before something else could slip out and render the toilet inoperable. She grit her teeth as she reached to flush again, keeping her aching bowels shut as she waited for the toilet to prepare for a third load.
As the toilet finished flushing and Celestia returned to work, she could make out the loud plops and splashes coming from her sister in the brief moment of quiet before Celestia started pooping again. Luna was done much faster though, with plenty of time to wipe her butt and flush the toilet before Celestia finished dropping another segment.
"Luna, now that you're done," Celestia huffed, "can I get some privacy?"
A magical crackle and pop filled the air, followed by the faint sound of pages turning. "Nope! Now seems like a pretty good time to get caught up on reading, don't you think?"
"For Faust's sake Luna, I swear I'm gonna...nnn, crap," Celestia groaned, feeling her attempts at holding fail as another thick log began its evacuation. To her horror she realized she hadn't flushed yet, but the immense relief she felt rendered her unable to stop and do something about it.
Celestia groaned, grabbing her stomach as she desperately tried to stop the flow of poop. It was too late though; her log emerged at a steady rate, refusing to slow down; and its thick, solid nature made it impossible for her anus to pinch it off. She abandoned her efforts and pushed to force it out faster. A few seconds later it finally flopped out, trailed by a wet fart.
Spreading her legs, Celestia inspected the damage. Her two logs had already filled about a third of the toilet; flushing was already out of the question. Worse still, while she did feel noticeably relieved, she still felt far from done. This toilet's done for either way, may as well make the most of it...
Redoubling her efforts, Celestia resumed pooping and let her eyes roll back in her skull as the immense relief returned. "Ohhhh Faust that feels soooo good," she moaned under her breath, ignoring the giggles from the adjacent stall. "Hnnngggg..."
For the next few minutes, Celestia focused all her effort into pumping out inch after inch of digested waste. The toilet rapidly filled as she laid her cable, the pile of poop sticking above the waterline and continuously being added to. The painful ache in her stomach noticeably dispersed, finally leaving her with a distinct feeling of being at least half empty.
Celestia made sure not to let herself get too carried away. Just before her load began to overflow she attempted pinching off a turd, and managed to stem the tide before her butt made contact with her horrible deposit. With a relieved sigh, she grabbed some toilet paper, stood up, and started doing a rudimentary wiping job.
"Finished already?" Luna commented dryly.
"Er, somewhat," Celestia admitted as she shuffled the paper between her soft cheeks. "I'm going to finish up in the guest bathroom and hope for the best."
"Hehe, alright. I'll catch up, this is actually a really good chapter."
Celestia coughed awkwardly. "You're going to just sit there after that..?"
After a moment's hesitation while Luna processed what she meant, she laughed. "Air freshening spell, sister, I suggest you try it next time."
Celestia grumbled and began readying a teleportation spell, picturing her guest bathroom. Just before she cast it, a devious thought crossed her mind, and she made a last second course correction before vanishing from the devastated bathroom.
CRZZ-POP!
Celestia winked into existence in the middle of a much fancier, single-person bathroom. Ornate carvings lined the walls, there was a full shower, a sink, plenty of fluffy towels, and of course, a toilet much like the one she had just used in the corner. With much less urgency this time, Celestia waddled over and took a seat.
"Ahhh, finally some peace and quiet...Hnnnghh," Celestia grunted. Her anus opened up, and a moist crackle filled the bathroom as a load of softer material rapidly slithered out of her. Lacking the density of her previous logs, this one began to break up under gravity. A series of loud plops and splashes filled the bathroom
Celestia had barely gotten used to the fresh air in the bathroom when the smell of her dump began to fill it again. Though she had air freshener this time, she opted against it; likewise she resisted the urge to turn around and flush. Instead, she hummed an old tune and tapped her feet as she enjoyed the emptying feeling. The noisy splashes died away, as her turds replaced the water in the bowel and began falling on top of each other.
Another few minutes passed as Celestia casually filled the toilet. The pressure in her gut dropped as she went, until nothing solid remained. Lifting one of her cheeks up, she let loose a massive tuba blast of a fart that reverberated off the walls for several full seconds. Finally, after days of agony, she felt truly empty again.
Celestia ripped off some toilet paper again and began wiping her soiled cheeks. It took a few wipes, but finally she felt clean. Grabbing her panties, she sat up and redressed herself, and made sure to thoroughly wash her hands before leaving the bathroom.
"Ahhhhh, I feel like a new pony!" Celestia announced to no one in particular as she stretched.
The door to the room opened a second later and Luna walked in, book in hand. She looked up in confusion, noticing her sister standing right in the middle of her guest bedroom. "Tia? What are you doing here?"
Celestia smiled at her sister innocently. "Oh, I'm sorry, this is your bedroom? Then I suppose that was your bathroom too, right?" Her expression began to turn more and more devious as she continued. "My apologies, I hardly noticed when I teleported in here to finish pooping. The toilet's definitely plugged now too! My oh my, looks like you'll have to call a janitor again!"
"Aarrrrgghhh TIIIIAAAAAAA!" Luna rushed forward, rage in her eyes. Celestia grinned and teleported away, her laugh lingering for a moment after she disappeared.
Elsewhere in the castle, a griffon janitor sobbed.