Adventures of Zebra Anon

Sat at his desk Anon went over his tax forms. Turns out being an ERS agent isn’t an excuse to not pay your own taxes.

“Twilight! Can you put foals down as dependents if you’re not involved in their lives?” Anon called out.

“Anon those foals aren’t yours!” Twilight yelled back from the hallway.

The not so little Anon between the zebra’s legs had made contact with many mares over the last few months. Many of which had given birth to healthy little pony babies.

None of which were Anon’s.

“You don’t have any evidence! What about Bubble Tea’s twins?” Anon asked.

Within two days of his transformation, Anon had an encounter with a barista named Bubble Tea. Then he had a different encounter with her coltfriend Blitz Bash.

Months later she had birthed two healthy foals, Herbal Tea and Earl Grey.

“They’re both Pegasi” Twilight reminded him.

“And!?”

“She’s an earth pony!” Twilight called back “Anon you’ve had fifteen paternity tests since you came here and they’ve all come back negative. Stop trying to get deductibles!”

Grumbling as that 1.25% tax break was ripped away from him, Anon continued.

“Then there’s a capital gains tax, my expenses, income tax- why do I have to do income tax? I work for the government. Can’t they just take the money out of my paychecks?” Anon asked, calling out the nonsensical methods of government.

After trying to figure out what Tax Edict 203-B was and how it was related to his annual sugar intake, Anon gave up and went to the local bar.

His usual watering hole “the Tipsy Mare” was alive with fun and laughter as usual.

Trotting up to the bar, Anon looked over the sign hanging above the counter. It was a challenge that more than a few ponies had tried and failed.

If you managed to drink a whole barrel of apple cider and were still able to walk without trouble you got free drinks for a month and a night with the barmaid/owner Pina Colada.

To this day no entity could do it. Especially because Pina always bought extra large barrels.

“Evening Pina” Anon greeted the fairly plump white coated earth pony mare with a cocktail glass for a cutie mark.

Bit of a red flag for her parent’s competency considering she got it when she was six.

Pushing her red mane out of the way, Pina raised an eyebrow at Anon.

“It’s the afternoon, we’re still serving lemonade and cola” she corrected.

The clock was still at half two, most of the ponies in the bar were just stopping for lunch or to socialise on their work breaks.

“Well now you’re serving alcohol, daddy needs to nuke his liver” Anon said putting two bits on the counter.

Shaking her head slightly Pina pulled a pint of apple cider. Unlike the high quality drink the Apple family produced during cider season this orange/yellow substance was imported from a larger operation out of town.

Dead cheap tho.

“So what’s eating you today?” Pina asked. Her bartender senses activating once a troubled client comes into range.

“Taxes” Anon stated.

Letting out a snort, Pina Colada started cleaning some glasses while she and Anon continued their conversation.

“Yeah, they stink. But you gotta pay them” she commented.

While he knew she was right, his regular use of roads proved that. Anon still didn’t like the idea.

“Wouldn’t be saying that if you looked at my tax form. I owe 4,262 and a quarter bits I don’t have” Anon explained.

“What do you mean “don’t have”?” Pina asked.

“It means I don’t have that much money” Anon replied.

“Well where’s it all gone? You’re a government worker so don’t you get paid well?” She asked.

“Yes but I spent all of it” Anon stated.

“On what?” Pina asked, confused on how one stallion could spend a so much in a week. Especially when he hasn’t been working at his job for more than a month.

Instead of words, Anon pointed at the sign explaining Pina’s challenge.

“I will get that free booze” Anon stated, ignoring the audible screaming of his liver.

Snorting, Pina shook her head.

“Well I’d find the bits if I were you” she said before trotting away to serve other customers.

Thinking as he nursed his drink. Anon tried to figure out how to make the money he needed for taxes.

Extra hours? A second job? Asking for help from his friends?

All of these were logical ways to get the money he needed.

“Screw it, I'll just sell crack” Anon thought to himself.

The very next day, Anon travelled through the Everfree forest and found the alchemist Zecora’s hut.

Knocking on the door he waited for a response. He didn’t have to wait long.

Opening the door, Anon suspected that he just woke Zecora up. The groggy looking zebra mare blinking a few times before she focused in on him.

“Anon? What a surprise, what brings you before my eyes?” She asked.

“I need you to teach me how to make crack” Anon explained.

Pausing for a moment, Zecora furrowed her brow in annoyance.

“That request is wack, what makes you think I know how to make crack?” She asked defensively.

“Z, I can see the pot plant in your window, also you’re an alchemist which is like a magic chemist so if anyone in this techno coloured madhouse knows it should be you” Anon explained his theory.

Refusing to respond, Zecora angrily pushed a book into Anon’s hooves before slamming the door.

“Euphoria and You” Anon read out the book’s title “thanks Zecora! I’ll send you a cut!”

With the secrets of the drug lord lifestyle now in his hooves, Anon moved onto the next phase of his plan.

All he needed now was a lab and supplies.

Most if not all his supplies he could buy in town or “borrow” from Twilight. Now all he needed was a place to make it.

The library was out of question, and most places in town were out. So in his infinite wisdom he chose the Castle of the Two Sisters. It was out of the way and completely abandoned.

It took nearly two weeks of moving in but eventually the lab was set up.

Looking over his handy work Anon wiped some sweat from his brow.

“Right, let’s get to work” he said to himself.

…

Back in Ponyville, Twilight almost jumped out of her coat as a thunderous explosion rocked the town.

“Damn it! I spilled my ink!” She cursed.

Her twenty thousand word fanfic about her and Celestia’s wedding was now covered in ink. Was a great shame as well, she had only just finished describing the wedding cake.

…

“Pinkie I need your help making crack to pay off my taxes”

Having lured the party animal out to his lab with the promise of frosting, Anon explained his needs. After almost killing himself trying to make drugs alone, Anon decided he needed help.

And Pinkie was the only one he actually trusted not to blow them up (again) or rat him out.

Because you see, drugs are illegal in Equestria.

“Sooooooo. There’s no frosting?” She asked, her sweet tooth being her primary concern.

“No sorry, but I’ll buy you all the frosting you want if you help” Anon promised.

“Pinkie Promise?” She asked.

“Yeah”

“Okie dokie loki pokie, just let me get changed. I don’t want my coat smelling like this stuff” Pinkie agreed.

“Eh?” Anon asked.

Watching in horror as Pinkie unzipped her coat and removed the pink fur and bouncy pink mane, Anon’s jaw dropped in shock. Without her coat on, Pinkie resembled her family much closer. With a dull grey coat and dark mane to match.

“I- you-“ Anon stuttered, not knowing how to react to this.

“Nopony will ever believe you” Pinkie stated, a sinister smile across her face.

Realising she was right, Anon tried to get back to work.

…

Twilight had discovered many things she considered strange after coming to Ponyville.

Half of them coming from Pinkie, the other half from her learning how to socialise like a functional adult.

But this recent phenomena took the cake.

All around her, the town’s population seemed… odd. Not quite Pinkie level odd but still pretty odd.

“Hey Twilight!”

“Morning Twilight!”

“Have a great day Twilight!”

“I can taste atoms Twilight!”

Watching them zoom past, doing daily tasks that would take hours in seconds. It had been this way for just over a month and non of her friends could figure out what was happening.

“What in the name of Celestia is going on?” She asked as she returned home from the market.

“Morning Twiggles, what’s for lunch?”

Hearing her housemate’s voice Twilight turned around, her eyes going wide as Anon stood behind her wearing a purple fur coat with white trimming dotted with black spots.

“W-what are you wearing?” She asked, seeing the second strangest thing this week.

“My new coat” Anon replied.

“I can see that, WHY are you wearing it?” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Because it makes me look fabulous” Anon said.

Many friendship lessons had taught Twilight not to judge or presume things about others without getting to know them first. But Anon was the sole exception to this rule.

“Anon what did you do to Ponyville?” She deadpanned. Knowing the green stallion was behind this somehow.

Putting a hoof on his chest, Anon let out a shocked gasp.

“Twilight, how could you possibly think I did this? And here I thought we were friends” Anon said, having taken great offence to her accusations.

Now usually Twilight would instantly regret her words and apologise for the hurt caused by them. But this was Anon we are talking about, she knows better than that.

“Knock Knock Knock”

Answering the door, Twilight was met by an even more energetic than usual (if that’s possible) Pinkie covered in what looked to be vanilla frosting.

“Hi Twilight! Is Nonny home?” Pinkie asked.

Turning her attention back to Anon who was carefully trying to make his way back to his room, Twilight grabbed him with her telepathic grip.

Wincing slightly as Anon’s hooves dug into the floor as he was dragged back, face to face with Twilight.

“Anon. What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight repeated herself, slowly.

“Ok, but you have to promise not to be mad” Anon replied.

“What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight asked again.

“You see-“ Anon began.

“NonnyandImadecracktopayofftaxesandhepromisedmeallthefrostingIcouldeatbutIateitallnowIwantmoreplease” Pinkie spilled the beans at the speed of pink.

That did not make Twilight a happy pony. It didn’t make her a happy pony at all.

“You did WHAT!?” Twilight yelled in Anon’s face.

“Pinkie you snitchy bitch” Anon said, sounding betrayed as he glanced over his shoulder at Pinkie.

“Sorry Nonny, couldn’t hold it in any longer” Pinkie apologised, looking sheepishly at the zebra.

“Anon, I know you didn’t think but I’ll ask anyway. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?” Twilight yelled.

Shrugging his shoulders Anon’s mind raced to figure out a way out of this.

And like always, his greatest strength came to bare. Deflection.

“Pinkie’s coat isn’t naturally pink” Anon blurted out.

“Don’t change the subject Anon” Twilight frowned. She has had to explain that she wasn’t Anon’s wife to enough ponies at social events to know his moves.

“No seriously, she’s wearing a suit and a wig. She’s as grey as gravel” Anon continued trying to press.

“That is somehow still the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all day. Do you really think I wouldn’t know if one of my best friends was wearing a coat suit and a wig?” Twilight asked.

Looking over the unicorns’s shoulder Anon could see Pinkie mouthing the words “I told you so”

“I mean I’ve been selling crack for over a month” Anon argued.

Resisting the urge to snap his neck like a twig with her mighty nerd brain magic, Twilight thought of the most obvious solution.

Forcing both Anon and Pinkie (who needed a bath to get the frosting out her “coat”) to take her to their drug lab, Twilight looked around the complex in disgust.

“I can’t believe you would use a cultural heritage site to make that awful drug” she scolded Anon.

“Hey it’s not like anyone was coming here, and why are you only mad at me? Pinkie helped!” Anon defended his actions.

“Anon you bribed Pinkie with frosting, that’s like daring Rainbow Dash or promising Rarity something shiny. It’s not their fault they’re built like that” Twilight explained with a face so flat Maud Pie would look expressive in comparison.

Rolling his eyes Anon sat on his flank pouting while Twilight fixed the epidemic he had created.

With a glow of her horn the flour sacks of narcotics began to glow. The pure white substance slowly turned purple as they were saturated by magical plot stuff.

“Ok, that should remove the addictive qualities. Once this is distributed the negative effects will fade and all the ponies you harmed will be cured” Twilight explained.

“Wait, so I still get to sell this stuff right? Thanks Twiggles, you’re pretty cool” Anon thanked, his mind already pondering what endangered animal he’d buy a coat of next.

“Anon you’re going to give it away for free” Twilight informed him.

“Aw come on! This stuff is expensive to make! I’m only operating on a 350% profit margin, that’s basically in the red!” Anon protested, holding up his hoof dramatically.

Showing off his golden horseshoe in the process.

“Let me put it this way Anon, you’re going to give it away to help the ponies you’ve hurt or I will tell Mayor Mare what you did and you’ll go to prison” Twilight said giving him an ultimatum.

Thinking for a moment. The forces of Greed and Logic doing battle in his head.

The forces of Greed of course being represented by imaginary Anons dressed as Mammon from the hit show Helluva Boss that you should all definitely watch assuming you’re 18.

Ultimately Logic won after suplexing Greed into Anon’s first memeory of almost being molested by a guy in a white van. Luckily he was on a diet so couldn’t take up the offer of free candy.

“Fine” Anon murmured.

“Thank you. Now Pinkie, you need to stop doing things just because somepony offered you fro- what’s that rumbling sound?” Twilight turned to her pink friend before being put off by the sound of rumbling.

The sacks of crack were shaking violently, seeming to expand slowly at first before rapidly overflowing. The purple rocks seemed to double in size before breaking up and doubling in size again.

“Crackalanche!” Anon called out in a panick.

Rushing out of the Castle of the Two Sisters, all three quadrupeds looked on in horror as the pile grew so large it could barely be contained within the ruins.

“Twiggles, what just happened?” Anon asked.

Truly lost for words, Twilight just looked on at the sheer size of the mountain of drugs.

Trotting over, Pinkie gave the pile a sniff before picking one of the rocks up. Causally throwing it in her mouth Pinkie gave it a hearty chew before swallowing.

“Looks like crack, smells like crack, even tastes like it, but with a hint of lavender. Nonny I think Twilight somehow-“ Pinkie began before suddenly stopping. Her pupils expanded until they completely covered her eyes before she flopped over onto her back, hooves sticking up in the air.

“Again, Twilight, what did you do?” Anon repeated himself.

“I- I don’t know. Somehow my addiction removal spell must have caused a molecular reaction which caused the rocks to rapidly gain mass” Twilight theorised. If she wasn’t so concerned she’d probably have geeked out over this discovery.

“So let me get this straight. I had over ten thousand bits worth of crack in that building. This pile looks easily a hundred times that, so to make everything clear. You’ve created one million bits worth of crack” Anon said slowly as to try and make sure he got everything right.

“I- I guess so?” Twilight replied, still unclear how to feel about this.

She didn’t have to dwell on it long as Anon pulled her close, embracing her in a deep surprise kiss.

Maintaining the smooch for several seconds as Twilight was frozen with her eyes wide with shock, Anon eventually let her breathe.

“Twilight! You perfect nerd! I love you! From now on I promise I won’t hoast swingers orgies in the house while you and Spike are visiting your parents!” Anon promised with the tiers of joy rolling down his face.

Still in shock from the kiss Twilight didn’t even acknowledge the orgy comment.

“I’m going to get so fucking rich off selling this shit to the big cities” Anon schemed, rubbing his hooves together.

While still frozen and now beet red, Twilight shook herself back to reality long enough to put her own hoof down.

“Anon no! You are going to undo the damage you’ve done to Ponyville then you are going to get rid the rest of this awful substance! Are. We. Clear.” She said through blushing cheeks.

Looking at her then back to the drugs pile several times Anon rolled his eyes.

“Alright Twiggles, to show you I mean it I Pinkie Promise I’ll get rid of the drugs” Anon said raising his right hoof.

Weeks after the reign of Pablo Anonscobar came to an end Twilight was reading the morning papers on how a new breed of crack was making its rounds through Equestria’s major cities.

Dubbed Bookworm Lavender it supposedly removed the addiction of its users and was costing the Mafia millions.

Twilight was mad at first until she realised that unfortunately Anon did exactly what she told him so.

He “got rid of the drugs”

Besides she had dismantled his lab so hopefully that was the last Equestria would see if it’s shortest lived Drug Lord.

“I’m just glad this is all over Spike” Twilight sighed as she sipped her tea.
“Yeah, let’s just hope Anon learnt his lesson and decided to be financially responsible for once.

Hopes that the baby dragon’s words would be true was quickly dashed.

For Anon tumbled down the stairs with a large bag with the word “swag” written on it.

“Spike get your wallet we’re going Warhammer 40k mini shopping!” Anon called out with joy, having learnt nothing.

As the employer/assistant sister/brother duo looked in at the excitable zebra one thought was on their minds.

“What’s a Warhammer 40k?” Spike asked.