🥜

I was playing a video game. Except I was also in the game. Andrew and I were playing Them Fightin Herds, but I looked over, and somehow I saw myself. Human, but with my charcoal horse head. Hooves clicked frantically against the controllers. I smiled at me. Uncanny. Inhuman. A monster.

“You have to push the start button,” said Lilydrew.

I tried.

Suddenly the horse monster had sharp teeth. Teeth that looked familiar. Teeth accompanied with needles, teeth accompanied by pain, and a terrifying qrrraaa…

“Your fault,” said the monster. “Failure. Loser. Disappointment.”

The TV was now a mirror. And in it, I was the monster.

My dad scooped the hay into the trough.

“Good Matthew, good horsie!” he cheered while I ate.

But then my dad was in the trough, and the trough wasn’t a trough. It was his coffin. Dark oak, the smell of incense, my brothers beside me, the weight of the casket on my shoulder, the sound of my mother crying, the feel of my heartbeat quickening.

Pictures of AJ’s parents were on the coffin. The casket fell. I’m the one at fault. Splinters of wood, and–

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, while still so young,” said a kind voice.

An explosion of light and pink hearts encased my vision. And now… I was in my childhood home. My bedroom. A bookshelf I remember, filled with Winnie the Pooh and Peanuts comics. My Nintendo Wii, and posters of saints.

A sharp gasp made me jump. I looked over and found myself looking almost eye to eye at a slender pink alicorn with an alarmed expression.

“Princess Cadance?” I asked.

“Y-yes. I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I thought I was entering the dream of a pony. I’m still getting used to dream magic, and sometimes make a mistake.”

“Pony?” I asked before looking down at myself. Me. I was me! “I’m me!”

Seeing my old body was something like meeting an old friend for the first time in two years. I wanted to hug myself, jump up and down and kiss my fingers all at once. I ended up trying just that and giggled at my own stupidness.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you, God! I’m so happy!” But my joy was dampened by the confused pink horse next to me. “Why are you? Did you figure out a way to turn me back into a human? Human! I can say human! Matthew! I can say my name!”

“I’m sorry,” said Cadance. “But… this is a dream. Everything here is just in your head.”

“I’m not back to normal?” I asked with a gulp.

Cadance shook her head, and I dropped to my mattress.

“Are you saying that you’re supposed to be a… human?” Cadance asked.

I merely nodded.

“Someone turned you into a pony against your will?”

I shrugged.

Cadance inched a little closer. “My sister is a very powerful alicorn. She’ll probably have a way to help you.”

“Starlight has already written to Twilight.” I mumbled.

“You know Starlight Glimmer?”

I nodded.

“Then you also know that neither she or Twilight ever give up on trying to help a friend.” Cadance placed a wing on my shoulder. “All of us will help you.”

Her wing was gentle, and she barely put any pressure on it, but still the effort was comforting.

“This really is a dream?” I asked.

It was Cadance’s turn to nod.

“Then how come you’re here instea–”

I awoke with a start. Sweat all over my body, and the sheets practically a puddle. I cleared my throat and immediately began squirming my legs to get away from the wet sheets. I landed on all fours. Instinct. My instincts were already becoming horselike.

Wait, is that music? And someone’s singing? I went to open the door.

“I'm trottin' in a nightmare,” I immediately sang to Lilyheart, who was dancing in the hall.

She quickly wrapped her foreleg around me. “This is everything I need and more!” she sang back.

“Why are we singing?” I sang.

Suddenly we were in the Cutie Map room. How? Where’s the music coming from? Why are we singing!?

***

🥜

How can you have everything you want and still not be happy? But none of it is her fault. None of this is her fault.

“Don’t leave without me,” Lily mumbled. “To Fluttershy’s, I mean.”

“I won’t,” I said as I let her go. “Come down and get something to eat.”

She nodded demurely. Demurely. Was she always like that and I just never noticed?

“Do you need anything?” I asked.

He shook her head. “No… Just give me a minute, please?” She looked at her reflection, as though transfixed. Her cheeks were still wet and her mane was even messier than before. My heart panged at the sight of her. But I knew sometimes I needed to step back. You always push me back.

I avoided the mirror as I scooted away from her. The door gave me a momentary pause, but I managed to open it by sticking my muzzle into the space between it and the frame to push it open. Like a dog. Ugh. My tail flicked in annoyance at the thought, which only served to annoy me further. I gave Lilyheart one last look before walking away. Her teary face was still staring at the mirror.

Well, at least I’m a pony, rather than a dog. Wait, what made a pony better, anyway? Hooves? I guess they’re prettier. Ugh. These are not the sort of things I want to be thinking about. At least I’m not a dog? Really? That isn’t a comfort most humans tell themselves.

And I was a human. This body might be a pony… I might be a pony. But I am still a human. Somehow. My soul hasn’t changed. I’m certain. I think. I hope. God, have mercy on me.

I looked glumbly at the door before me and sighed. Here we go again.

Suddenly, there was a loud BANG and everything went dark. A pressure encased me. The last thing I saw before all my sight went away was the swivel of the door opening.

“Robin? Lily?” called Starlight.

The pressure suddenly relieved, just a little, and sight returned to me. But the vision didn’t make sense. I was looking up, but could still see the door as it slid to a close… to which Starlight came into view. Except, there were two Starlights? And they were upside down?

Imagine peeling your hands from a fly trap. Now, imagine pulling your entire body from a wall of sticky trap. This is what happened. Starting from the tip of my nose, I felt my body rolling backwards like a scroll. Panic shot through my heart. I’m being crushed! My sight vanished again. I couldn’t breathe. I felt bunched in a rolled up carpet.

And then, with a POP I was a horse again. I was just pancaked, wasn’t I?

“Sorry, Robin. Are you okay?” asked Glimmer.

I blinked. “Only if we never speak of this ever again.”

“O…kay…” said Glimmer. “I just wanted you to know there’s breakfast. I need to get to school. Sunset will take you to Fluttershy’s. She has today off.” A green bracelet on her hoof began glowing. “Aah! I’m late already! Good luck!”

A flash of mint light, and she was gone.

I hate Equestria.

Shaking myself off (like a dog! ugh!) I entered the Cutie Map room to find Sunset quietly munching on toast. She gave an energetic wave and swallowed before speaking. “Have as much as you like! Starlight had to leave already.”

“I saw,” I mumbled while taking a seat. I quickly checked to make sure it wasn’t Fluttershy’s before turning my attention to the food. “I suppose celery and jam go together here?” I sigh. “I’ll have toast with a bit of everything, please.”

“Sure!” Sunset happily complied.

Lilyheart’s one minute turned into something like ten before she finally poked her head quietly out from behind the corner. Her cheeks were dry, but her eyes still puffy.

“Lilyheart! I’m happy you came down! Starlight had to leave already, but there’s breakfast!” Sunset’s smile was accompanied by a squee.

Dang it. Squees were cute. But where was the sound coming from?! The throat? Or were they grinding their teeth? I shuddered at the thought.

“Actually, um…” Lily looked around the room before settling her sight towards the floor. “I was hoping you could, uh, maybe brush my hair, please? I can’t with my hooves…or horn…” She followed this with a squee. I facehoofed.

“Oh, of course!” Sunset leapt down from her chair.

***

🎂

If my mane looked nice, then at least that would make me feel better about stepping out the front door. But no one else cares, though, do they? I suppose they never cared before, when I was a human. My mom always made fun of me for the frizz. She never could understand why I wanted to grow it out. Even after I told her I wanted to be a girl.

I wanted it to be pretty, Mom.

Frizz, so much frizz. And no one in the family wanted to give me advice on how to handle it, and I was too shy to ask anyone else. So, I never got any help with my hair.

And Dad? ‘Keep his hair so short he’s almost bald,’ dad? 'Back in my day if we found out someone was gay in the Navy, we'd throw him over board in the middle of the night,' dad? Less help.

Will I never see them again? My mom will be so devastated. But I’m happy here. I… I can be happy.

And to do that, I need nice hair. At least that way I won’t be constantly thinking about what others are thinking about my appearance. Just another unicorn trotting through Ponyville on a sunny day. I looked at the blue mare in the mirror. Her face was still wet from the tears, her cheeks a little flushed, and the corner of her eyes puffy. My attention came to her sad turquoise eyes. I wanted to hug her. She was cute.

I’m cute.

The realization snapped the last traces of anxiety away, replacing it with joyful bubbles. But I’m supposed to be more than just my body, aren’t I? I am. But I’m in a body that’s cute. A body that fits who I am, and who I want to be, better.

Confidence surged through me. I don’t need to brush my mane! I can march outside if I want. Who cares what anypony thinks? I am who I am. Frizzy mane and all. Mistakes, anxiety, compassion, and joy, all together. And that’s all you’ll ever get.

But… it still would be nice to have a combed mane. I rustled through Twilight’s bathroom drawers, opening each one gingerly with my mouth. It was pretty easy, once I got the hang of it. Maybe horse teeth are harder than human ones? And craning my neck to each drawer was simple. My neck is so elastic! But my search came up empty.

Still, even if I did find a brush or comb, it’s not like I could use it.

“Not ready to practice with you, yet,” I told my horn.

That left only one option.

I pulled open the door without any difficulty. Oh, Robin, it really is easy, you just gotta embrace it. You’re a pony! It’s cool!

Making my way down to the Cutie Mark Map, I found Robin seated at Rainbow Dash’s spot and Sunset at Pinkie’s, but Glimmer nowhere to be seen. Oh… that means I’m going to have to ask her, doesn’t it? Anxiety bubbled through my barrel. Of course asking the character I liked more would be difficult.

“Lilyheart! I’m happy you came down! Starlight had to leave already, but there’s breakfast!” Sunset cheered before I could get a word out. Heck, I wasn’t even in the room yet.

Sunset gave me a bright smile accompanied by a squee.

Wait, Sunset can squee?! Of course she can. But, the cool pony squeeing?! It made me want to squee.

“Actually, um… I was hoping you could, uh, maybe brush my hair, please? I can’t with my hooves…or horn…” I squeed. I squeed?!

No, no, you. Keep quiet, little heart. You need help. So much help.

“Oh, of course!” Sunset practically leapt from her chair.

Her optimism batted away the anxiety.

“Thank you!”

I gave Robin a smile before following Sunset out of the room.

“Oh, you don’t have a brush, do you?” asked Sunset. “That’s okay, you can borrow mine.”

I can borrow Sunset’s brush?! Yes, please! Wait. But…

“If we… you… a brush won’t work,” I said. No, I mumbled. Darn it, speak up, girl. “It has to be a comb.”

“Really?” asked Sunset, giving me a look with one eyebrow slightly raised.

“Curly hair,” I said. “And we’ll have to get it wet, first. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s the only way to make it look nice. Otherwise, you’ll just be making my mane frizzier. Thank you, though. For your brush. To offer it, I mean.”

“Well, I think I have a comb, too. I’m not sure if I managed to bring it with my stuff, though,” said Sunset. And as she finished the line, there was a tinge of sorrow.

You had to leave some stuff behind, didn’t you? My heart was pricked. I had to say something. But what? How can I make her feel better without hurting her more? The gears in my mind spun. Father, help me. Big Sister, help me, please. I took a breath.

“I…I’m sorry. That must have been hard. You… had p-p-p-ponies you cared about back home, didn’t you?”

Sunset stopped in her tracks. My heart beat. Great. Remember how she reacted last time? Andrew, you idiot!

That’s not my name!

“Thank you,” said Sunset. “I.. did. People I cared about. And… people who forgave me, but I never got a chance to make it up to them. And now, I never will.”

I inched closer to her, so I could look her in the eye. Which was kind of weird, because our bodies were longer instead of taller, so we kind of stood side by side with our necks slightly twisted towards each other.

“You don’t know that, Sunset. I might not have lived here as long as you, but I know these ponies. And what the magic of friendship can do. More than you can imagine. Believe me. Besides, when someone does something out of kindness, they normally don’t expect anything in return. I… I don’t think you have anything to worry about!”

No wonder you act the way you do. You’re basically Rainbow Rocks Sunset. You haven’t gotten your confidence back like she did. Which means–

“Thanks. And… I’m sorry for snapping at you before. Again. Uh, this is my room.”

Piles of boxes stacked against the walls. A few posters of bands that looked like Equestria Girl spoofs of bands from my world. Two guitars rested against the walls, a few stuffed animals rested on her unmade bed and two computer screens rested on a desk.

“You brought your computers from your world? Do you have games?” I asked.

“I do, except there’s no electricity in Equestria,” she answered, motioning to the unplugged cords hanging from the desktops.

“Actually, magic in Equestria should be able to get these to work,” I said. “You just might have to make sure they get the voltage right or else you’ll fry them.”

“Really? I didn’t think to ask. I’ve been going through video games withdrawals. You had video games from your world, too? What about internet?”

“Yep!” I cheered while taking a look at Sunset’s plushies. A black cat, a panda, and an orange bird. So cute!

“I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this sort of stuff. Glimmer and Sunburst are interested, but they mainly just pepper me with questions. Uh, it might take me a moment to find my comb.” Sunset gave the boxes a frown.

“Do you have Smash Bros?”

“Smash Bros?” mumbled Sunset as she opened the first box. “Do you mean Super Strike Sisters?”

***

🥜

I tried twisting my wrists around to see what they were capable of. I could rotate them 360 degrees. Watching it made me nauseous. That’s what my wrists were supposed to do. But these were fetlocks, not wrists. Fetlocks which weren’t supposed to move that way.

One of the most disorienting things about having a pony body was looking down and seeing monocolor charcoal hooves, and realizing that this was only a small portion of my body. As a human, I could look down and basically see everything. But as a pony? It’s only a small percentage. Most of this body was behind me, stretching in the other direction. And if I wanted to turn, I couldn’t just swivel around on one leg. No, instead I had to actually walk in a short circle. And when I did so, the way the muscles rippled across my spine (across, not down) gave goosebumps and made my insides turn.

But before I could process that, the alien slap of a smooth surface upon the ground would distract me. I could still feel my hands even without them there. Invisible, intangible, a prickling tingle on transparent skin covering transparent muscle and bone. Yet my brain said they were. My invisible hands reached to grab a hold of door handle and utensil; I felt texture where, physically, I touched nothing.

I could feel the toast in my hands. Brittle along the crust; spongy in the middle, and a warm dampness spreading through my fingertips as bits of butter ran down.

All I did was sit there, staring at the toast, forehooves resting on the table, my tail flicking at my side. I sighed. Of all the days for Andrew to care about his hair. Most of the time he never seemed to bother with it at all. But some days–notably on important days when we were running late for something–then he would suddenly care. I combed my hair every morning, of course, but I really wasn’t going to bother with this horsehair. Maybe if I was someone’s pet; horsehair was hard to take care of, after all.

I’m not somepony’s pet.

Somepony? I’m thinking in Brony now?

I wanted to bang my head on the table. Hard. Instead, I swallowed my pride (again) and lowered my muzzle to the plate. The warm vapors hit my lips before I made it to the actual toast. It felt exactly like when I held it with my hands.

***

🎂

I watched Sunset’s cyan magic twist the faucet. Once on, it seemed quieter than it ought to be. There was almost something mesmerising about it. Maybe because it was both so familiar, but different at the same time? I had never focused on the show’s running water animation before.

But enough wasting her time. I scrunched my eyes closed and motioned to dunk my head under the stream of water.

“Wait!” shouted Sunset as she yanked me backwards. “Wait for the water to get the right temperature. Or do you want to get a cold?”

I nodded awkwardly. Wait, getting a cold from cold water is a myth, isn’t it? Maybe it’s true here? Whatever. I don’t want to disregard what Sunset tells me.

“Using magic on water is hard. There’s so many ways to lose it all. It’s about as hard as trying to hold it in your hooves. At least for me. Starlight could do it no problem. I guess, maybe most unicorns. I’m not really sure.” Sunset gave a grimace while bringing a small towel to the faucet to get it wet before bringing it back to her hoof. “Okay, it should be good now. Here.”

My mane was collected together and gently pulled to the side. The feeling tickled my neck. Slowly, I bent my head toward the direction Sunset had pulled, and dipped it into the running water. Lukewarm. Not super pleasant, but much better than cold.

I could smell the water. I could before, but now… the scent was stronger than I ever noticed before. Ponies can smell water better than humans? Regardless, the scent was relaxing and pleasant. A smell of safety. Immediately, I wanted the water to be hotter and to take a bath right then and there. Which was probably the more responsible way to manage my mane, but too often I was in a rush (like now) so all I could do was get my hair wet, brush, and run.

“Um, do you think that’s enough?” asked Sunset.

“Oh! Um, yeah, probably.” I removed my head from the stream and felt my mane smack against my cheek, water uncomfortably dribbling down. A towel suddenly draped over my neck… (withers?) and gently tied itself around me. “Thank you,” I muttered.

Sunset gave a mmhm. “Here, lets’ get your tail wet while I work on your mane.”

I turned around and, with some concentration, flicked my tail into the bathtub.

“Your floor,” I mumbled as I watched my mane drip.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll clean it up later.”

When was the last time somepony brushed my mane? I hadn’t gotten a haircut since before the pandemic. That meant it had been years. But even then, it’s not like I ever had long hair to be brushed before then. To have my long hair brushed by somepony else… that was a dream come true.

The teeth scratched against my scalp and down my neck. And each time the comb touched the end of my neck, goosebumps trailed the rest of the way from my withers down through my spine. It was just a touch I wasn’t used to. Hair didn’t grow down the neck like that in humans. My eyes closed instinctively as Sunset continued her work. Am I going to fall asleep again?

My hair sprung like a coil, bouncing up and down. Didn’t the pony’s manes do that sometimes in the show? I liked it. And maybe that was why Sunset wasn’t catching any tangles.

Sunset moved on to my bangs. I half opened my eyes for a moment to see golden light trickling through my bangs and water dripping off them onto the rug. I closed my eyes again.

“I guess you’re right, curly hair is really different from straight or wavy hair. If I combed my mane like this, it would be a mess. And now for your tail.”

I let out a mmhm and resisted the urge to nod. The faucet squeaked as Sunset turned it off, and the steady pouring stream was replaced with a few droplets and finally silence. I immediately missed the noise. Why have ASMR when you can have a pony brush your mane? It’s even more relaxing and you get just as many tingles. But, come on, it’s not like I can plan on a pony to do this every time I have an anxiety att–

Electricity. A jolt through my entire body.

“Eeeek!”

I leapt into the air. SMACK. Pain on top of my head. White little beads of light dancing in the bathroom as I quickly descended downwards. I landed on all fours but quickly dropped to my side and folded my legs over myself. Forget the pain. That feeling was still there.

“I’m sorry? What happened? Are you hurt?” Sunset gasped, obviously completely bewildered.

“I…I…” I was chattering. Calm down, girl. But that! How do I even explain it? “I… touch… feeling… new…”

“Your tail?” Sunset slowly asked. A sudden realization showed on her face. And then she began giggling. “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about that! It’s still new to me, too.” She waved her own tail for me to see. “I’m so sorry.” At this, she completely lost composure and her giggles turned to hysterical laughter.

The spot of my tail she had gently started the comb on was still warm, as though the first touch had activated the nerves there for the first time. It was just a regular part of my body. But I had never had a tail before and it was as though I had an invisible body part I never knew about until one day someone poked it and it awoke me to the realization of all the sensations running through it. And then I thought about where it was situated on the rest of my body, and how close it was…

My cheeks went warm and I quickly scooped up my tail and hugged it against my barrel. Ew. Wet. But if it was dry I bet this would be super fluffy and maybe I can hug it when trying to sleep.

“S-s-s-Sunset!” I felt violated. But, she was just brushing my tail. And we’re both girls here. But I’ve only been a girl for a day now and how am I supposed to process this?! And it didn’t help that with Sunset’s laughing, I couldn’t resist the urge to smile too because it was funny but I’m being ridiculous and I can’t help myself. Big Sister help me, this is embarrassing.

Of course it’s embarrassing. But what else is there to do but accept it?

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Lilyheart!” Sunset waved a hoof at me while trying to contain her laugh. “I just wasn’t expecting that! But I totally should have! Honestly, I guess I reacted just as bad. Maybe even worse.” Her smile faded. “Definitely worse.”

Slowly, I unfolded my legs from around myself and stood back up. Robotically, I marched toward Sunset, turned around, and sat.

“J-just finish it, please. I’m-m ready now.”

Wordlessly, Sunset continued while I tried to ignore the strong goosebumps running up my spine from every brush.

***

🥜

The two unicorns came down after another fifteen minutes. Why couldn’t Lily ever have a sense of time? But, Sunset, too? Well, Sunset’s actually responsible, so maybe I should take it easy. Or, wait, is it a girl thing? Taking forever in the shower and with brushing hair? My mom was never like that. She was practical. And on time.

But there is no time limit, is there? I’m not going to be late for work or an appointment. I guess I need to just relax. But the anger still just won’t go away.

Sunset beamed as though she was proud about something, but Lilyheart’s smile was shy. Her mane looked… exactly as it had when she got here.

“Sorry if that took a while, but I think we’ll be ready after Lily gets something to eat,” said Sunset.

“What took so long?” I should not have asked that.

Lilyheart opened her mouth hesitantly, but Sunset spoke first with a wink. “Oh, you know, girl stuff.”

For a moment, I felt dizzy. This was too weird. But Lily isn’t… Andrew isn’t… But I agreed to this, didn’t I? But how can I accept that? I can’t accept that Lilyheart is a girl. I can’t. This is my fault. I never should have encouraged her. The moment she invited me to watch My Little Pony, I should have stopped her. I need to get her out of here.

She gingerly sat down, taking Fluttershy’s chair, of course, and Sunset moved a plate of toast to her.

I can wait until after breakfast. I can wait. Hail Mary, full of grace…

Author's Note

Super thanks to my editors and friends, Ashel, Rainy, and Pandora!