🎂

Once, I sang in my dreams. It was a particularly happy time in my life, and I guess that can happen when you’re really happy. But never, not in a million years, did I think I would one day wake up with the urge to sing.

That’s exactly what I found myself doing once my eyes opened.

Remember those walls I built,

Spendin’ every day wonderin’ why,

Soft piano notes echoed through the room. Where was that coming from? But why should I worry? Why should I care?

I flung myself from out of the covers, landing triumphantly on four hooves. I looked into the mirror to admire my reflection, but patted my frizzy mane in dismay. All the while, I continued to sing, and my musical accompaniment followed.

…I had to be stuck inside a shell?

Well it’s time to say goodbyyyyye!

I waved at the reflection and sprung out the door.

‘Cause this pony’s burstin’ out,

Breakin’ past all the clouds.

It’s time to hear me shout,

I ain’t never gonna be alone!

Around the halls I pranced in my song. Ponies might hear, but who cares? This voice is meant to sing! The piano notes faded, replaced with a mighty orchestra of instruments. Was I being led, or was I the lead? What determines the roles we play in this grand stage of which we call life? If your Lead takes you right, are you going to twirl left? Only if you want to step on his hooves.

Unicorn in the pantry!

Pegasi out the window!

I’m happy now I’m a pony!

Friendship is my saving grace!

I popped into the kitchen and gestured to Sunset, who seemed to be having trouble finding something to eat. She looked at me quizzically, but I slid back before she could say anything. And then I was in a hallway before a window, hollering and waving at a pair of pegasi outside. On the table, more prancing, and now dancing. I wasn’t entirely sure how I was moving from one place to another so quickly… I just went with the flow. And it felt natural. Normal.

Robin’s bedroom door opened and he slowly slid out, clearly tired and unamused. He opened his mouth, and quietly echoed:

I'm trottin' in a nightmare

While I wrapped my foreleg over his shoulder and sang back:

This is everything I need and more!

To which Robin lowly replied:

Why are we singing?

We were now back in the cutie map room. I was smiling. I was smiling so much. Sunset and Glimmer entered the room with plates of cupcakes and equal smilies on their faces. I continued:

In my heart like a drum and bass

I’m happy now I’m a pony!

While I spun in a circle on the table, Robin was left on AJ’s chair, and looked like he was struggling to stop from hacking up a furball. And failing.

I'm trottin’ in a nightmare!

Ugh! Ugh! And I don't feel good!

But I couldn’t be bothered with that. I had a chorus to sing. Sunset and Starlight echoed me.

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Pony, Pony!)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Pony, Pony!)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Pony, Pony!)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Pony, Po-o-o-ony!)

What do you call the thing where actors in a musical lift up their hooves towards the new singer the audience is meant to focus on? Whatever that is, we three unicorns did so to Robin, who was now on the table himself. His struggle continued. And still failed. We echoed for him, and the instruments shifted to the bridge:

Yeah, now I’m a pony! (Pony!)

I'm trottin’ in a nightmare, woah

And I don't feel good!

I was happy with who I was before

It all made sense

One plus one equaled two

Now I have a tail and hooves!

And—Gah! Now,

I'm trottin’ in a nightmare, (Woah!)

I'm trottin’ in a nightmare, nooooo!

I'm trottin’ in a nightmare, (Woah oh oh!)

And I don't feel good!

A bunch of earth ponies in yellow dresses entered the room and began dancing around the Cutie Mark Map. Robin trotted over a globe, tripped, and fell through the black but starry void of space. He landed in a classroom, right before a chalkboard. Sunset, Starlight, and I found ourselves seated at the desks. Besides the obvious equation on the board, little pony and human stick figures were present. Wait, Cheerilee? She had an apple and was looking quite pleased with Robin– she pulled down a screen over the board that featured basic pony anatomy. Robin gestured with his hooves and then shook his tail. His face scrunched up in frustration, and he tried to pull down the screen. Instead, it shot back up. He went with it, as did our entire world.

We were back in the Cutie Mark Map room; the ponies in yellow dancing around us again. Robin continued to his chorus, his resistance defeated. Little tears fell from his eyes. I could see his thoughts like blurry silhouettes, and just for a moment. Human figures. A life. A job. His family.

Maybe this had gone too far–

I joined Robin at the center of the table. We stood on our hindlegs, and his front left hoof was at my side, while my right hoof rested on his shoulders. Our remaining hooves clasped together; which I wasn’t certain as to how since I certainly hadn’t learned how to grasp things with my hooves yet. Forced into such an intimate and feminine position momentarily caused me to blush, but the enthusiasm of the room overwhelmed any embarrassment. Besides, I could trust Robin.

With unabashed joy, I belted out the chorus, while Robin continued muttering the echo.

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Hay!) Pony! (Pony!) Pony! (Are we done?)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Yet?) Pony! Pony! (Please?)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Hay!) Pony! Pony! (Pon-n-n-noo!)

Yeah, now I’m a pony (Hay!) Pony! Pony! (Po-o-o-ny! Dang it!)

Yeah, now I’m a pony! Pony!

He twirled me, and I found myself spinning toward the front door of the Castle of Friendship.

Yeah, now I’m a pony!

Poooooooooooooooony!

With the closing note of the song, I opened the door, beaming. I was dizzy. I was exuberant. I wanted to keep singing, to keep dancing. I was tired. But I never wanted it to stop. Nothing in the world could stop me. I was never going to feel sad again. Joy had washed me from the inside out and cleaned my very being.

But I was still on my hind legs, and my attempt to walk forward resulted in a crash to the ground.

“Wah!”

A tangle from my unbrushed mane got caught on the door knob. Besides stinging horribly, it also resulted in the door slamming closed behind me. I was now outside. Everything stopped. No more music. No more spontaneous dancing ponies. I was left alone in silence to the outside world.

Except for that green unicorn with the striped mane who seemed to be lecturing a foal. Except for the blue earth pony admiring a rubber duck on her hoof that matched her cutie mark. Except for the two pegasi hovering a few yards away around a cloud. And they were all staring at me. Along with so many others.

I gave a clumsy wave before struggling to untangle myself from the door. The pegasi were the same ones I had just waved to earlier. They glanced at each other in puzzlement as I thrashed at the door.

I’m bothering them.

“Do you need help, Miss?” asked the curly orange-maned one. An English accent? Trottingham accent?

“No thank you, I’m fine.” My voice cracked. I need to get out of here. Stop watching me. I struggled uselessly at the door with my hooves. Trapped. My scalp hurt from my hair being pulled. I’m bothering them.

Stop. Calm down. Breathe. Why was this happening? Trapped. Breathe. I can’t get free. This hadn’t happened since being a pony. Escape. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Stop watching me. They don’t like me. Breathe. I can’t get free.

Lies. I’m never going to be free. The fear is a lie. No one likes me really. The fear is a lie. Not once they know me. Breathe.

“You look like you could use help, Miss,” said the British pony.

“She doesn’t want help, Sunrise,” said the other one.

I do need help. I’ll never do anything by myself.

“Are you sure?” asked the English one, hovering a little closer.

No. Stay away! I want to scream. What’s wrong with me? Why am I bothering everyone?

The fear is a lie.

The door suddenly shot open, and I was pulled by the roots of my mane back inside. And somehow, my mane was free.

“An-n-Lilyheart?” asked Robin.

My heart. It was visibly beating against the wall of my barrel. A sickening vibration that only made everything worse.

“Lilyheart, what’s wrong?” Robin asked.

“I–I…I want to go to my room!”

And with that, I charged away from Robin. From the door. From the pegasi. From the world. I slammed the bedroom door shut with my head. My horn bumped it awkwardly. No. No, no, no, no. Now I’ve bothered Starlight and Sunset. Right after destroying the room. And Robin won’t like the noise and he’ll be annoyed. I’m stupid. So stupid!

After a quick leap onto the bed, I quickly dove under the covers. Quiet. Dark. Safe. Fear. So stupid! Just breathe.

I need to hold something. My Fluttershy plushie. I’d been holding her when we opened that comic. What happened to her? I’ll never see her again. The fear is a lie. I struggled about and quickly clutched a pillow to my barrel. Breathe.

Sounds. My breath. The subtle rustle of fabric whenever I moved. I need rain sounds. Or ASMR. The shock of more loss struck me. No headphones. No laptop. No internet. No cat. No plushies. No family. I’ve lost everything. And I was so happy to be a girl I was oblivious to it. No wonder Robin was so distressed being here.

And was losing everything really worth being a girl?

I must be so selfish to not even think of my family. This fear. This… pathetic inadequacy. This wasn’t supposed to stick around once I was a girl. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s changed!

Big Sister, help me. Please. I’m scared.

I clutched the pillow tighter. Breathe.

Nothing’s changed.

Five minutes. Maybe fifteen. Maybe an hour. Time tends to lose meaning like this, lost in thoughts, alone. A secret, hidden war between Lilyheart and fear. Fear that has no cause. Fear that has no reason. Fear just for fear's sake.

A knock at the door. Quiet.

I didn’t answer. So pathetic.

If I ignore it, it will go away. Safe. Hidden. Darkness.

The knock came again. “Lily?” it asked. He asked.

I opened my mouth. I can make sounds. But only quiet ones.

“Lilyheart, can I come in?”

I slowly struggled my head from out of the covers. The fabric got caught in my horn, but I soon saw the morning light of Twilight’s windows.

“Y–yes,” I croaked. Would it be loud enough?

The door began jingling. Poor Robin. I want to help. But I can’t. I never can.

But quickly enough the door swiveled open, revealing a concerned Robin. He slid into the room and gently pushed the door so it was open just a crack.

What an odd sight I must be; a little pony with her blue head sticking out from a lump on a bed. Like a turtle, I receded back into my silk shell.

“Are you okay?”

I tried opening my mouth. I tried shaking my head.

He must be so tired of me.

No. This is Robin. Matt. Even if he gets tired, he always regains patience.

“…Lily?”

I opened a hole in my shell. “–Anxiety,” I spat out.

“Why? What are you afraid of?”

“Nothing,” I answered. “I’m just afraid.”

Hoofsteps. He came closer.

“Can you come out? Please?”

“I don’t want to,” I answered. It’s not safe out there.

“I want to see you.”

I burrowed my head out towards the light. There was Robin. Concerned. He looked so concerned. But he could be so gentle when he wanted to. As gentle as holding a robin.

He scooted closer and sat. “I don’t understand. You were happy. You were… singing.”

“It never makes sense. It just happens. One minute I’m fine, and then the next…” I squeezed the pillow. “I’m sorry I’m so useless.”

Silence grew between us. Except for muffled little birdsong coming from outside.

“I don’t want to leave, R…Brother. I’d rather stay here.”

“Even to see Fluttershy?”

“No… I want to go see Fluttershy. I mean I don’t want to leave Equestria. I want to stay as a pony.”

Robin’s face fell. “I figured… but what about Leo?”

A flash of the orange cat popped into my head. Memories of playing with him. Memories of him sleeping on my pillow with me. Memories of chasing him around the house because he swiped at me when I wasn’t expecting it.

“Take care of him, please,” I replied in monotone.

“Lily!”

“Find somep-p-ony who will let him sleep on their bed with them at night. He needs somepony who will give him lots of affection and love.”

“I feel like you’re giving me your last will. Lily, you said I wouldn’t lose you. What about your family?”

Here come my tears. They had to come eventually, wouldn’t they? Fear, sorrow, and guilt all pouring out in the little droplets and streaming down my face.

“As hard as this is, even now, R-Brother… I can’t go back. It’s worse, there, Brother. At least here I can have hopes. Dreams. After this ends, I know I’ll be happy again; I have something to look forward to. But there? Brother… I gave up. I stopped believing I could accomplish anything. Because… I tried. I tried so hard… and it didn’t work. It didn’t work and nothing was ever right again! You can do everything right, and it doesn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry it’s so hard,” said Robin. “But, God still has plans for you. There’s still so many things you can do as a…”

Human. The unspoken word. The word that would never come from my lips again.

So selfish. I’m selfish and horrible. I miss my Fluttershy plush. The fear is a lie.

I slipped my head face down into the pillow and then pressed my hooves against the side of my head. Why was I so stupid? There was a long pause. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing, a little pony heartbeat, and the racing of a hundred million thoughts about how stupid I was.

Robin began to pray. The Rosary. He was always a fan of the Rosary. I wasn’t. It was so much easier for me to pray my own prayers rather than rehearsed ones. Still, it worked for him.

He stopped suddenly. “When I don’t have a Rosary, I normally use my f-f-f-fetlocks.” He sighed. “I lost count of where I was.”

I said nothing.

“I’ll just start from the fifth. It was either that or the seventh…”

And so he did. I prayed with him, silently, adding my own little thoughts and opinions at random intervals. As I listened to Robin’s rhythmic voice repeating the same prayer, with the same steadfast passion upon each line, the fear and guilt slowly dissipated

A quiet knock on the door caused us both to jump.

“Hey. Um, Starlight wanted me to tell you that breakfast is getting cold,” Sunset said from outside, her voice tinted with uncertainty. “Mornings are always a little hectic for her… being headmare and all… But it’s toast! With jam! And cooked celery and carrots, too! I promise, it tastes better than it sounds! Pony taste buds and all. Or maybe carrots and celery are different here?”

“We need a minute!” Robin patiently called back.

“Take your time! I’ll be waiting downstairs,” she answered back.

Robin hastefully finished the decade. “Can I hug you?” he asked.

I nodded my head. Of course, he would have no idea what that meant with my head buried in the pillow. So I belted out a muffled “Yes!”

“It’s kind of hard when you’re tangled up in the blankets.”

Dang it, Robin. Stop being clever about getting me out of my silky shell of comfort!

But I complied anyway, sliding out from under the sheets to take a seat next to him. I could see our reflection in the mirror. My mane was such a mess. Everypony always thinks curls are so pretty. They never realize how much work it is. Why did I have Robin draw me with curls?

A gentle warmth suddenly consoled me. Robin’s forelegs wrapped around me and squeezed. Horse fur is strange being pressed against each other… not bad, not good… just different. As a human, as a man, I had skirted away from physical touch, even though I longed for it. But now, tightly squeezed, I felt better. I felt loved.

At least I would always have my brother to take care of me. To tolerate me. To put up with me.

Breathe. The fear was a lie.

Author's Note

Lot of cameos. The problem with cameos I realized only after I started putting them in is that... background ponies don't exactly work in written form like they do in the show. So, it's no where near as obvious as I'd wish; at least not until Lilyheart and Robin get to know some of these ponies by name.

In any case, our two pegasi are Ashel's Sunrise and Rainy's... Rainy Skies. The green unicorn is PandoraFox's Melody Daydream, along with Terra from her A Kinder World. Lastly, the rubber duck wielding pony is u/Iceswimmer05's Squeaky Clean.

The song used here is a parody of Glee's mash-up of Halo and Walking on Sunshine. I never actually watched Glee, but it seemed the best pick while looking for songs to use.

Lastly, as always very special thanks to my remarkable editors: Ashel, Rainy, and, joining the ranks, PandoraFox!