Chapter 1: Somewhere in the wilds of Equestria

Deep in the wildlands of Equestria, shadowed under a thick forest canopy, a plain-looking earth pony dressed in light armor studied an artifact with some interest.

KatKat was a mare who had seen some st. She was also a mare who knew how to deal with that st.

What lay in front of her, casually discarded on the forest floor, was something she’d never seen before. An artifact or a magical item, perhaps; something cunningly crafted for certain. But what it was and how it was meant to function was beyond her ken.

Given the diversity of sapient and semi-sapient creatures in Equestria (as well as things not so easily classified such as the Tree of Harmony, Twilicane, Timberwolves, or Tympani) it would seem to a layperson that artifacts not built for ponies would be more common than—or at least as common as—artifacts built for ponies. And yet, the opposite was the case; despite the vast diversity of pawed and handed creatures in Equestria, most things were built to be hoof-friendly or horn-friendly or both.

That isn’t to say that their world was without diversity when it came to objects which couldn’t—or shouldn’t—be used by ponies. Somecreatures had needs and didn’t have a significant someothercreature to attend to those needs. Take KitKat, for example. She had needs; she loved the feeling of thrusting her axe deep into some deserving creature, of working fetlock-deep in the entrails of her enemies, of feeling the bones of her foes crunching under her hooves, the hot coppery smell of blood—

Eh, let’s make this more PG. Some ponies (and other creatures) created and used various adult toys for when they were

What do you mean that’s less PG?

Anyway, what was in front of her wasn’t a phallus although it can certainly symbolize one in storytelling or visual media. It was a gun, but not just any gun. For those of you who haven’t already guessed what kind of gun it was, it was an Aperture Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device, or in common parlance a portal gun.

Her first instinct was to leave it there, but it wouldn’t be much of a story if she had. KitKat bent down and picked it up with her mouth.

While it was not intended to be operated with hooves, it was also not safed in a such a manner to prevent a hooved creature from operating it accidentally. After all, Derpy accidentally a portal gun several times previously (and also intentionally a portal gun), and as I just said there was nothing to prevent KitKat from accidentally a portal gun herself.

KitKat knew a thing or two about weapon safety (actually more than just two things), but she didn’t know squat about gun safety ‘cause guns aren’t canon. The designers of the Portal Gun had assumed that anybody who used it would know to point it away from themselves*, especially since it was meant to be operated while clamped over a forearm. Which KitKat didn’t have.

As she was strapping it to a saddle string on her barding, she accidentally triggered it and got a blue portal delivered directly to the forehead, right about where her horn would have been if she were a unicorn. One involuntary twitch later, the orange portal got her right in the muzzle, and one millisecond after that there was nothing left of KitKat but blurange flames flickering out and then the forest fell silent again.

•••

Meanwhile in Ponyville, Amethyst Star (AKA Amey the Hoof) was regarding the calendar in dread.

Well, maybe ‘dread’ is too strong an emotion; much like KitKat, Amethyst had seen some st and she’d dealt with it.

Mercilessly.

Generally in a hail of gunfire, although she wasn’t above using explosives or improvised weapons as the need arose.

Nopony had ever dared tell her that guns weren’t canon. She had quite the collection and they solved a lot of problems, such as being randomly portalized or even worse having a slavering mass of humans portalized into Equestria. Chell was cool, but all the rest of them . . . well, a bullet or a full mag to make sure they went down and stayed down was a mercy.

There’d been a time when every poisson d’avril, every april vis brought a new crop of them but that tradition had died out for a while and then come back with a vengeance.** Which was a shame; she’d much rather celebrate Anne McCaffery’s birthday in peace.

After all, what better way to celebrate Edible Book Day than eat a book? McCaffery had published plenty of them, even a cookbook which looked particularly tasty.

Alas, Cooking Out of This World was more prophetic than even Amethyst could have known. In the dark recesses of the closet, wrapped in several layers of hoofmade Equestrian Science Material Emancipation Grilles and pointed well away from any sapient creatures ponies cared about (i.e., pointed straight down, since if it were pointed up it might portalize a passing pegasus), a certain marzipan portal gun (also hoofmade) tumbled off its mount and fell into a pile of plot convenience which of course triggered it and it was, of course, aimed directly at Sparkler when it happened.

Unlike KitKat who had no inkling of what the portal gun portended, Amethyst was very aware and she had enough presence of mind to not only start cursing the moment she heard the very distinctive sound of the portal gun being activated, but to also finish her cursing as she arrived in a very unexpected new location.

She also had the presence of mind to grab a gun or two or maybe a dozen as well as sixty-six feet of black nylon rope, before she was gone.

Unbidden behind her, Cooking Out of This World tumbled open to the recipe for Cosmic-Minded Roast Beef Sandwiches which was appropriate enough considering the cosmic-sized beef Amethyst currently had with the cosmos.***

•••

It’s often said that when a pony is portalized she’ll wind up somewhere else, which is not exactly a pithy proverb, but it’s true nonetheless, and indeed Amethyst Star ended up somewhere else.

To nobody’s surprise (except for Mark, who wasn’t really paying attention and thus is not only shocked at how things have suddenly taken a turn but also that he was specifically called out), Amethyst Star wound up in exactly the same place that KitKat was. And now that Mark’s paying attention, also to nobody’s surprise, KitKat wound up in exactly the same place Amethyst Star was.

🪒
Have you ever wondered if there was a better way to trim your fur down there? Well, and everywhere, because let’s face it you’re and equine and you’ve got fur everywhere? Introducing Marescape, the better solution to marescaping! Manufactured in Equestria out of the finest tool steel and powered by rechargeable power crystals, it comes in a handsome package that’s sure to make your nethers and uppers the envy of the town! Complete with adjustable depth guides that snap over the end for trimming and a bright crystal light so you can see what you’re doing [a mirror is also available at extra cost and highly recommended] and guaranteed to not nick sensitive skin†.
🪒
†guarantee only valid in Yakyakistan

•••

While KitKat had never experienced being on the receiving end of a portal gun before, she had experienced being on the receiving end of an unintentionally-cast[dubious] Wizard’s spell which turned her bipedal.

This time, instead of turning her into a full frontal nudity human Playboy model, it had turned her into an anthro. She still had hind hooves (or hoof-feet, if you prefer), but she did have hands. A bipedal stance (obviously) and a full coat of fur, marked here and there by scars—a consequence of her career choice.

She wasn’t suddenly cold, because not only did she still have fur, she was still wearing her gambeson and armor, conveniently reshaped for her new form—this isn’t that kind of story.

Also she didn’t have gigantic boobs because this isn’t that kind of story. While the Wizard might have turned her into something she was not, the portal gun and whatever residual magic/technology put her where she was now had transformed her barding into appropriate pleather armor, soft and supple.

Granted, she was taller now than when she’d been a pony, or when she’d been a Playboy model. Six-ish feet of muscle and barely-contained rage. She was probably taller than the Wizard, although mercifully he wasn’t here to compare herself with.

Amethyst was there, and her portal gun (hers to differentiate it from KitKat’s; neither of them actually claimed ownership of said portal guns) had given her a similar treatment. Given that she was a unicorn, she was smaller and slenderer and considerably more feminine. She even had fossa lumbalis lateralis—back dimples to the laypony. (If KitKat had lifted her armor to check, she’d have found out she didn’t have them.)

It had even transformed her clothes, or would have if she’d been wearing any.

The fur pretty much covered everything, though. Besides the little bit of pubic fluff. Also she did have huge boobs because it is that kind of story after all.

“Well, this is some bullshit,” Amethyst muttered as she regarded her new form. “I’ve turned into a whatever the hell Capper is.”

“It’s not so bad,” KitKat said. “At least we still have fur.”

“You’ve been through this before?”

KitKat nodded. “Last time I got transformed full human with soft feet and big tits and no fur. It sucked. This is . . . better.”

“Speak for yourself, these udders are absurd. My back hurts already and whenever I move I jiggle. I—wait a minute.” She lit her horn and a moment later her breasts were reasonably sized. Floating on either side of her torso were two jellyfish-like (minus the tentacles) sacks of silicone. “That’s a relief.” She unlit her horn and they jiggled away towards somebody who’d appreciate them more.

Maybe Pamela Anderson.

They didn’t make it very far; Sparkler was still holding her Sig Sauer and she vaporized both of them with two speedy shots.

“Well, that’s dealt with.”

KitKat walked over and poked one of the dead implants with the butt of her tabarzin. “That’s a new kind of parasite. I wonder if I had those when I was a human?” Then she turned back to Amethyst. “So what now?”

“Well, it’s been my experience that we’re both in for quite a bit of unpleasantness and then we’ll portal our way back somehow or another and that’ll be that. You have much experience with portals?”

KitKat sighed. “More than I’d like.”

“Yeah, me too. Welp, let’s see what kind of dystopian hellscape we’re in today.”

The two of them opened the door and stepped out of the room.

Author's Note

*Given that GLADoS is involved, we can’t actually assume that.
**much like this fic
***of all the research rabbit holes I was expecting to go down in this fic, a cookbook by Anne McCaffery wasn’t even on my radar.