Epilogue

Despite the dragon’s entreaties, KitKat was paying attention to the mainframe behind the curtain. She’d already figured out that the dragon was an illusion, much like Buttercup had been (and still was; he’d stepped on his own dick and fallen off the desk and then he glitched out because the dragon couldn’t bother to keep up with such a stupid trick when his very core of being was threatened), and she also knew that illusions didn’t have much range. Something about thaums and lossy conversion, she wasn’t entirely certain—that type of magic was not at all her specialty.

Really, no magic was. She knew how to avoid spells, and did know some earth pony cantrips, but most of them weren’t too useful in combat.

Except for fast-healing, that was very useful in combat. And other places, as well.

She regarded the mainframes, humming away with electricity and blowing hot air out their cooling vents. Everything attached with a sloppy mess of cables (the cyber dragon’s IT guy didn’t do proper cable management*); green LEDs blinking as the processors worked.

KitKat poked at one of them with a hoof, and not much happened. She paused in thought—feral Roombas would skitter away when you poked at them and then they’d come back in force. These hadn’t done anything.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the dragon’s head coming around, so she shifted her grip on the axe and did her best impression of a golfer trying for a four-hundred yard drive.

The dragon might have been bulletproof (and axe proof), but the mainframes sure weren’t, and she set about defunging their tokens as the dragon screamed in agony.

Midway through, she heard a loud crash from across the room and brought her head up just in time to see Buttercup Kool-Aid his way into the server room.

This was the real Buttercup. He was exactly the same as he’d looked before, except this time he was wearing—well, he still wasn’t wearing anything. He’d only recently started going in the field with KitKat, and he didn’t have any armor yet.

He also didn’t have nipples.

Across his back was slung a portal gun, the very same one which had brought KitKat to this accursed place. In his hands was a warhammer, flecked with plaster and concrete dust. And below that was his swinging cod, a more-reasonable eighteen inches of it.

•••

The two of them quickly fell into their groove. KitKat concentrated on wires, which were susceptible to an axe. Buttercup dealt with circuit boards and chips, which could be completely obliterated with one swing of his warhammer.

Amethyst kept the Minions at bay.

🎷
Do you have pent-up anger? Feelings of frustration? Unrequited love? It’s Monday?

Have you tried therapy but it just isn’t for you, you just can’t stand lying on a couch and pouring out your insecurities to a complete stranger or sitting in a little booth and confessing your transgressions?

Smash! Yakity Smash! Build up your frustrations and then smash them!

Make a pile of boring paperwork and smash it with your head! Take your horse taxes and smash them with your hooves! Put down your Facebook and the weird tinfoil hat eclipse rapture post and smash it with your titanic ass! Take a varsity cheerleader and smash her and a 1981 Harley Davidson motorcycle with a Fender guitar**, it not matter.

Yak Guru teach you the secrets of smashing and satisfaction.

Offer only valid in Yakyakistan†

† and everywhere else. SMASH IT ALL! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!
🎷

•••

In less time than it takes to write, they’d unfunged all the tokens and defeated the dragon (who got increasingly pixilated and erratic as each mainframe in turn was destroyed). They knew that their mission was complete when a virtual moth flew out of the cyber dragon’s virtual wallet.

Coincidentally, that happened at about the same time as Amethyst finished off the last of the Minions, and the trio joined up in the main room.

KitKat introduced Buttercup to Amethyst and they were just about to portal their way out of there when they remembered that they’d left the receptionist tied up in the office, and KitKat suggested that the grey wolf might give them a reward for completing their mission.

(They could have just taken one of the computers and gotten a fortune in bitcoin, but that thought hadn’t occurred to any of them.)

Since the hallway was littered with dead Minions and minion gore, they elected to take the back staircase, the one Buttercup had taken up to the server room.

•••

Down in the lobby, Grace was still tied to the chair, as horny as she’d ever been. That horniness only increased when the door to the stairs opened and the first person out could have been a Greek god, but with a porn star’s cock, everything the Wizard (who she’d never met [thank Celestia]) wasn’t.

Five minutes later, for the first time in her life, Grace came while she was being untied, in no small part because Buttercup had been doing the honors and it wasn’t just his hands that kept pressing up against her as he loosened the ropes.

She stumbled as she tried to stand (both as a result of the orgasm and because her legs had gone to sleep as she sat) and so Buttercup just wrapped an arm around her waist and picked her up in a fireman’s carry.

The four of them crowded into Grace’s Toyota Yaris hatchback and then KitKat remembered that they shouldn’t leave not-Epona behind, so they fit her in, too. It was very crowded, but nobody minded. Japanese compact cars are bigger on the inside.

With the windows rolled down, it was almost comfortable.

Or at least so Grace thought, since she was sitting in the back seat with Buttercup on one side and KitKat on the other, relegated to being the filling of the sandwich of her dreams. They’d tossed their weapons, the portal gun, Amethyst’s arsenal, and Grace’s purse in the hatchback.

The horse got to ride shotgun, since she wouldn’t fit anywhere else in the car, and Amethyst drove. She didn’t bother to inform anyone else that she’d never driven a car before.

•••

They made two stops on their way back.

First, they picked Kukka up from the inn, and then they drove off into the sunset while the innkeeper shook his fist at them.

Second, they stopped at the Binary Bazaar long enough to return the musket to the hawk, along with a heartfelt apology from KitKat for taking advantage of him like she had. He forgave her and the two hugged it out, and then they drove on.

•••

By the time they’d made it back to the city, the car was more or less done for. The suspension had never been intended to take so much weight, and KitKat had used her axe to make a sunroof since it was getting rather crowded. She didn’t know much about car design and didn’t understand how important a structural element the roof of a modern car is.

They left it in front of the nondescript government building and piled out, bearing resemblance to a clown car. Buttercup accidentally tore his door off its hinges as he went to open it, and then he and KitKat had to separate Grace and Kukka, who had started making out on the car ride.

The five of them and one horse made their way back to the grey wolf’s office. They politely informed his secretary—who was even older than him—that they were there to see him and that they had completed their mission.

She kept eyeing them disapprovingly over her half-glasses, although none of them were sure what she was most disapproving of. Was it not-Epona nibbling at the decorative government-issued fern? Was it Amethyst or Buttercup, both naked as the day they were born, casually sitting in the office chairs without a single care in the world, everything on display? Was it Grace and Kukka picking up where they’d left off in their make-out session? Or was it KitKat, resplendent in her armor that was streaked with Minion gore?

They would never learn the answer.

The door opened to admit the group, and Amethyst took the lead, setting photographic proof of the dragon’s defeat on the wolf’s desk.**** “We’ve completed the mission,” Amethyst said.

“And we’d like our reward,” KitKat added.

“Or else,” Buttercup didn’t add, but he didn’t have to; the sentiment was perfectly clear in his casual crossed-arms stance. The only thing that would have made it more intimidating would have been if the ceiling in the room was taller; as it was, he had to bend over just to stand.

Also, even though he was well past his prime, the wolf still possessed the penis insecurity that most males do, and he very clearly couldn’t measure up to that monster.

Also also he was still obsessed with KitKat’s armor. And a little bit distracted by the fact that Kukka had her paw down Grace’s blouse, and Grace had her hand up Kukka’s dress. Truly a love story for the ages.

“Oh, yes, of course.” He opened a desk drawer and started sorting through files, occasionally eyeing KitKat’s firm cuisses. “Um, I hesitate to ask, but do you have receipts for your expenses? Do you have a mileage log and a fuel log for any vehicle usage you may have availed yourselves of? Do you have an explanation of why there were two of you at the start and now there are five? Six if you count the horse? Did you stay in an approved hotel, and did you get the government rate?”

Three of the six looked at each other in confusion; the horse had her muzzle in the wolf’s fern (every office had an identical fern, and they were all government-provided) and I think y’all can guess what Kukka and Grace were doing. Let’s just say that those handcuffs Grace had were really coming in clutch.

Amethyst was the quickest to figure out what was going on; besides her Mom’s government job, unicorns were just naturally better at navigating bureaucratic hurdles. “You got the forms?”

He nodded and opened a notebook and spread the forms out and the three of them spent the next hour filling out boring paperwork. They didn’t have any receipts—they’d never been given them, or if they had, they hadn’t kept them—but each time the wolf raised an objection, Amethyst tapped the paperwork with the barrel of a gun and insisted that the receipt was right there.

•••

In the end, they got all their expenses covered and a job completion bonus of fifty dollars to be split evenly (the government is not generous) and they all got good references for the future.

A few minutes later, back in the parking lot, they all hugged and then crowded around Grace’s now completely useless Yaris, and Buttercup—who was the resident portal expert—portalized them all back to Equestria, where they belonged.

Except for not-Epona of course, who got portalized back to not-Hyrule.

•••

KitKat woke with a start. She was tangled up in a bedroll next to a warm body—she instinctively moved away as a hoof touched her back, and then she realized where she was and who she was with.

She nestléd back up against her bedroll companion and turned her head to nuzzle his cheek. “Mmh, I had the strangest dream.”

“So did I.” Buttercup kissed her on the muzzle and then pushed the tent flap aside. The two of them were deep in a forbidden forest, it was raining, and they could hear the distant hisses of evil monsters waiting to be defeated.

There was nothing she liked better.

Author's Note

*While it did make diagnostics more time-consuming, it also made it difficult to sever dozens of critical cables with one axe-swoop, something that KitKat might be about to discover.
**A Stratocaster or a Telecaster, we don't remember
***Which was with the telephone on her desk and the cord for the telephone on her desk.*****
****They’d used Grace’s camera to take pictures of the carnage. I might not have mentioned that before. The wolf didn’t notice the minor continuity error, because Amethyst accidentally scrolled too far through Grace’s camera reel and accidentally showed a . . . compromising picture of Grace’s last sexual encounter***
*****Obviously, that was NSFW

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