Shining Armour Dies (and Goes to Hell)
Once upon a time,
It was a beautiful day within the Crystal Empire. Shining Armour was on a pleasant stroll with his young daughter Flurry Heart. His perfect, happy, angelic little girl. Surely, nothing could go wrong on this splendiferous day! Yup, everything was peachy keen here! No reason for concern whatsoever!
Then suddenly, out of the blue, a bright red portal materialised out of thin air right in front of him! Sadly, Shining Armour didn’t see it. He was too busy looking at his reflection in one of the mirrors at the conveniently nearby mirror store.
The ten seconds Shining Armour spent not looking at his daughter was all it took for her to go galloping through the portal with wild abandon.
Shining Armour turned back towards his daughter just as the portal closed behind her.
“Alright Flurry, I think I’ve had enough of being among the peasants for now. We should probably start heading back to the cast-“ said Shining Armour before suddenly realising that his daughter was missing.
Almost immediately, Shining Armour began panicking. “Flurry, Flurry, Flurry! Where the hay are you Flurry?” shouted Shining Armour as he practically stampeded through the streets looking for his daughter.
Much like before, Shining Armour probably should have been paying more attention, for if he had then he might have noticed the rock placed conveniently in his path.
Shining Armour charged forth blissfully unaware of the rock ahead of him, and as expected, proceeded to trip over the easily avoidable rock.
Like a complete doofus, Shining Armour toppled over, hitting the ground with a mighty thud, and a loud crack emanated as his neck snapped like a twig.
A nearby citizen of the Crystal Empire couldn’t help but burst out into laughter at this overwhelming display of sheer stupidity.
Funny or not, one thing was clear. Shining Armour was dead.
In a matter of seconds Shining Armour awoke in what could only be described as a massive cave where everything as far as the eye could see was on fire.
The walls were on fire, the ground was on fire, the ceiling was on fire. Even the other ponies in the cave were on fire.
Wait… what was that last one?
Yes, Shining could see that all around him there were other ponies being forced to do hard manual labour. Shining Armour had no idea what this place was, but it certainly didn’t look very pleasant.
Suddenly Shining Armour was approached by a red unicorn, covered in bright orange glowing symbols. Unfortunately Shining Armour had never studied arcane symbols enough to actually figure out what any of them meant. That was Twilight’s area of expertise, and Shining Armour never actually bothered listening to her. Twilight was just so boring.
The strange unicorn spoke with a deep, gravelly voice. “A new one, eh? Let’s see what you’re in for. Hmm… it seems like you’re on the hook for… pride. Ah, gotta love the classics. Well then, please follow me and we’ll get you straight to work,” said the unicorn.
“You want me to work? Why in Celestia’s name would I do that?” asked Shining Armour, still not grasping what was happening.
“Uhh… because you’re in Hell. The entire point is to teach you a lesson for being a bad pony. You won’t learn anything if you just sit around and do nothing,” said the unicorn who was clearly some sort of demon.
“No, I refuse! I demand to speak to the one in charge!” declared Shining Armour.
“Did… did you just ask to see my manager? Ooh, we have a special spot reserved for ponies like you! But, uh, yeah… you’re not seeing the boss,” said the demoncorn, looking more excited to punish Shining Armour.
“Over my dead body!” shouted Shining Armour who had somehow forgotten that he was already dead. However, rather than fight, Shining Armour then made a break for it as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him.
“After him!” shouted the demoncorn as he pursued Shining Armour. A legion of other demoncorns soon descended upon Shining Armour.
Shining Armour continued to run like no tomorrow. The legion of demoncorns were hot on his tail, literally as they were hurling fire spells at him. Shining Armour would have to find a way to lose them somehow. Shining Armour eventually managed to gain some ground. He used this opportunity to duck into a large building of some sort before the legion of demoncorns could see where he was going.
Picking up speed, Shining Armour ran around the rooms of the building for some time trying to find an exit that wouldn’t take him back where he started. Eventually, he ran into what looked like a throne room that had two thrones in it. In one throne was a towering red alicorn.
This alicorn had similar bright orange glowing symbols on their body as the demoncorns outside. They clearly had fangs, their tail was perfectly smooth with a pointed spade at the end, their wings were somewhat bat-like, a second horn was sticking out of the first, and they had bright, glowing, yellow eyes. In the other throne was an older Flurry Heart.
Shining Armour stopped in his tracks. His jaw dropped at the sight before him. “Okay… I have no idea what the hay is going on here, and I don’t want to be the one who figures it out,” said Shining Armour.
The demonic alicorn raised one of their eyebrows at Shining Armour.
“Seriously though, I have no idea what’s going on here. Could somepony please explain like… everything to me,” said Shining Armour.
The demonic alicorn spoke in a loud echoing voice. “I am Lucifer Morningstar DCLXVI, reigning sovereign of Hell. I’m also often referred to as Satan or the Devil, or Old Scratch, or a thousand other nicknames. But please… call me Luci,” said Lucifer.
“Okay… hello… uhh… Luci. Now… can you please explain why there’s an older version of my daughter sitting next to you?” asked Shining Armour.
“Oh… she’s my wife,” said Lucifer, and a loud snap was heard in the room coming directly from Shining’s sanity.
“I’m sorry, say what now?” asked Shining Armour who was completely dumbfounded by this revelation.
“Yeah we met when we were kids and really hit it off,” said Lucifer.
“When you were kids? The devil was a kid?” asked Shining Armour.
“Yeah, I mean everyone was at some point right?” asked Lucifer.
“Wait, but assuming that Hell’s been around since the dawn of time shouldn’t you be, oh I don’t know, like a million years old?” shouted Shining Armour.
Lucifer huffed in annoyance. “I’m Lucifer Morningstar DCLXVI. That means that I’m the six hundred and sixty-sixth Lucifer Morningstar. Every Prince of Hell is given the exact same name. My father was Lucifer Morningstar DCLXV, and my eventual son will be Lucifer Morningstar DCLXVII,” said Lucifer.
“What if you have a girl?” asked Shining Armour.
“Ugh… then the first born male gets the title,” said Lucifer.
“Wait, if you and my daughter met when you were children then why are you both suddenly adults? It didn’t take me that long to get here,” said Shining Armour.
At this point Lucifer looked beyond annoyed. “That’s because there’s a humongous time difference between Equestria and Hell. A couple of minutes there is several years here. Now look, if you keep asking stupid questions then we’re going to be here forever so please cut it out!” demanded Lucifer.
That’s when Shining Armour took a closer look at Flurry. Her mane was dyed black and red. Her body was adorned with black clothes and one of those spiky neck chokers. Additionally, she had black eyeliner on, and was he going nuts or did his precious little girl have ear piercings?
“Flurry!” shouted Shining Armour. “What the buck are you wearing?” he asked, practically frothing at the mouth.
“Geez, take a chill pill dad. I’ve dressed this way for years. It’s no big deal,” said Flurry Heart, rolling her eyes at her father’s antics.
Shining Armour stared at Lucifer with contempt. “You! You did this to my precious little girl you… you… you monster!” shouted Shining Armour.
“Careful what you say there mortal. I’m only barely tolerating your rudeness. If you continue to insult me further I may feel inclined to show you just how much of a monster I can really be,” said Lucifer, pillars of fire rising up around him as his body roared with power.
“Also he has nothing to do with my new style. If anything you were probably the one responsible. I mean, you always made me wear all that frilly and cutesy crap even when I didn’t want to. I guess that I was just sick of it,” said Flurry Heart.
“No! This evil creature has brainwashed you! You don’t know what you’re saying or doing! You need to get out of that outfit and come home with me right now!” shouted Shining Armour.
“Excuse me, but that ‘evil creature’ just so happens to be my husband. So maybe you should calm down a little before you say something that you really regret,” said Flurry Heart.
Suddenly there was a pounding at the door to the room.
“Stay outside please! I’m kind of busy in here! Please come back later!” declared Lucifer.
Suddenly the demoncorn who had spoken to Shining Armour earlier barged into the room.
“I’m sorry sir, but there’s a mortal soul on the run and we need permission to search your castle to find them,” said the demoncorn, only to look over and see Shining Armour, quickly realizing that he was the very soul that they were chasing.
“That’s him! That’s the one right there! He’s trying to escape his rightful punishment!” declared the demoncorn.
Lucifer held up a hoof to signal the demoncorn to calm down. “Is this true Mr. Armour? Have you been trying to escape your just punishment?” asked Lucifer.
“Of course it’s not true! I’ve done nothing wrong! I don’t deserve this persecution!” declared Shining Armour.
“Okay then… please go and add lying to Mr. Armour’s already long list of transgressions, also some extra ego too. Then once you’ve done that, return here with your crew to escort Mr. Armour to his punishment,” said Lucifer.
“Yes sir,” said the demoncorn with a nod of his head before quickly departing from the room.
“Whoah, whoah! Hold on, wait just a second! How can you be sure if I’m lying or not?” asked Shining Armour.
“Because I know everything that happens in Hell. It is one of many abilities that I have, I’m called the Prince of Lies afterall. Also, that was a test, and you failed miserably,” said Lucifer.
“This isn’t fair! Flurry, you will come with me to get out of here right now or you are grounded!” declared Shining Armour.
“I’m a grown woman now dad! I can do what I want! And if you can’t accept that, then maybe you should just go!” declared an upset Flurry Heart.
Before Shining Armour could argue about it further the demoncorn and the rest of their entourage came in to haul him off.
“Have fun in the brimstone mines,” said Lucifer as he mockingly waved goodbye to Shining Armour as he was violently dragged away.
And so Shining Armour was put to work in the brimstone mines. The work was hard and gruelling. Each day was the exact same routine. The monotony and repetitiveness eventually caused Shining Armour to lose his sense of time. Each day simply blended into the next.
Of course Shining Armour frequently voiced his complaints. It got to the point the demon supervising the mine complained to Lucifer that Shining Armour refused to shut up, no matter how many times he was whipped.
And he was whipped quite extensively. Sometimes with chains that were on fire.
Eventually, Shining Armour was brought back to the throne room. Lucifer and Flurry gave some speech about being considerate of others, and then he was sent right back to the brimstone mines with a new supervisor replacing the old one. This process repeated itself countless times, going through over a dozen supervisors in the span of… Shining wanted to say a month. Again time was weird here.
On one of these occasions Shining Armour was brought into the throne room to discover that Cadance was there, amicably conversing with Flurry and Lucifer.
“What the actual heck… Hell… whatever? Cadance, what are you doing here?” asked Shining Armour.
“I double dipped a strawberry into a chocolate fountain at the Grand Galloping Gala one time. Turns out that Heaven has really high hygiene standards,” explained Cadance.
“Wait, but… what about the time difference? If a couple minutes in Equestria is years here then centuries must have passed here for Cadance to have died. Why are we all still the same age?” asked Shining Armour.
“Well you’re dead, so naturally you’re going to look the way you did when you died for the rest of eternity. Demons age incredibly slowly after they reach adulthood. And as for my darling Flurry, I let her drink some of my blood when we got married to make her part demon so I wouldn’t outlive her,” explained Lucifer who at this point was used to answering all of Shining Armour’s questions.
“Anyways, It’s great to see you Cadance. You can help me to convince our daughter to leave this clown,” said Shining Armour.
“Actually, I completely approve of their relationship,” said Cadance.
Shining Armour’s jaw dropped at that statement. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Has the whole Underworld gone mad?” asked Shining Armour as he shouted hysterically.
“Oh calm down Shining. It’s not as bad as it might seem. The Devil is actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him properly,” said Cadance.
“Are you even listening to yourself Cadance? Nice guy? He’s literally the Devil! He’s been torturing me for who even knows how long!” shouted Shining Armour.
“Are you kidding me? If anything I’m taking it easy on you. I’d hardly call working in a mine with some mild whipping torture. This punishment is supposed to teach you about putting in an honest effort and doing a good job. Have you learned absolutely nothing after all this time?” asked Lucifer.
“That’s it!” shouted Shining Armour. “I’ve had just about enough of this! Cadance, you will tell our daughter to help us get out of this literal hellhole right this very instant!” shouted Shining Armour.
“She’s an adult now Shining. She can do what she wants,” said Cadance, who was trying her best to defend her daughter and trying to save her husband.
This argument went back and forth as Lucifer and Flurry watched the whole thing unfold. “Has your dad always been this stubborn?” asked Lucifer.
“Yeah, pretty much. He thinks he’s the smartest pony in the universe. As far as he’s concerned he can never be wrong,” said Flurry Heart.
“Wow… your dad kind of sucks and that’s coming from ME!” said Lucifer.
“Yeah, he certainly does,” said Flurry Heart with an annoyed huff.
Shining Armour and Cadance’s argument quickly escalated. Eventually some demoncorns had to be called in to prevent Shining Armour from physically attacking his wife in anger. After that Shining Armour quickly became famous throughout the entire Underworld. He was the first ever pony to be divorced post-mortem.
After a long time other ponies eventually died and ended up in Hell. Some of them Shining Armour recognized.
Every time someone Shining Armour knew ended up in Hell it was the same story. He would constantly harass them to try and get them to help him out. Every time they refused. That didn’t stop Shining Armour from trying anyways. Eventually Shining Armour got so desperate that he started harassing ponies in Hell that he didn’t know. Furthermore, Shining Armour kept on trying to escape the brimstone mines, and every time he did he would try to foalnap Flurry Heart to force her to leave Hell with him. It never worked out, in part because she wasn’t a foal anymore, so marenap would probably be more accurate.
At this point half the mortal souls had restraining orders on Shining Armour, and Lucifer was also receiving constant complaints from the demoncorns who were tired of dealing with Shining Armour’s shenanigans. Even Lucifer was starting to get really sick of it at this point.
Once again, Shining Armour was being dragged out of the throne room after his latest escape attempt when Lucifer sighed in immense annoyance and frustration. Lucifer decided to confide in his wife about his grievances. “Your dad is becoming a huge nuisance around here. I feel like I’ve tried everything at this point. None of the usual tactics are working on him. The guy is just too stubborn,” complained Lucifer.
“Actually… I think I might have an idea for how to deal with my dad,” said Flurry Heart as she leaned in to whisper her plan into Lucifer’s ear.
Lucifer grinned in delight upon hearing the plan. “Ooh, I like that. Let’s do it,” said Lucifer.
Some time later Shining Armour was dragged back into the throne room again after being caught violating one of his many restraining orders.
Defiant as ever, Shining Armour glared up at Lucifer and Flurry Heart. “Look, can you save me the entire speech about being considerate of others this time? I’ve heard it so many times that I think the entire speech is now permanently burned into my memory,” said a clearly upset Shining Armour.
“Simply amazing… it’s been so long yet you’ve still learned nothing,” said Lucifer before letting off an evil smirk. “But I actually have good news for you Mr. Armour. You’re finally getting what you want. You’re getting reincarnated. You’ll finally be allowed to leave this place,” said Lucifer.
“Wait… really?” asked Shining Armour.
Lucifer nodded his head in affirmation.
“Oh thank goodness! I thought you might never see reason!” declared Shining Armour. “Come on Flurry. Let’s blow this popsicle stand and get you out of that ridiculous outfit,” said Shining Armour.
Flurry Heart merely chuckled in amusement. “Oh no, I think you misunderstand the situation. I’m not coming with you. You see… we’re not doing this because we care about you. No, we’re doing this to get rid of you,” said Flurry Heart with a grin.
“What? But… but… but that’s not fair! I’m not leaving without you!” shouted Shining Armour.
“Well too bad,” said Lucifer. “You don’t really have a choice in the matter. I’ve already made the arrangements with the big pony upstairs. So you’re going whether you like it or not. Goodbye forever Mr. Armour! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out… actually on second thought please do. A concussion might do you some good,” said Lucifer with a big smile.
Shining Armour tried to protest, but he was unable to say anything before he faded away.
“Well thank heavens he’s finally gone,” said Lucifer with a huge sigh of relief.
Shining Armour woke up feeling very strange. He tried to stand up and felt very uncomfortable. For whatever reason his body felt much more natural standing on two legs. “What… what happened? Where am I?” asked Shining Armour.
Shining Armour looked at himself and screamed when he saw that he had scales. His body was absolutely covered in green scales. Standing up, he took a better look at himself. His hooves were now replaced with claws, he had a pair of wings on his back, and he felt multiple horns atop his head. “I’ve… I’ve become a dragon!” shouted Shining Armour in a panic.
Then a yellow pony with a blue mane came into the room. “Hey there Sparky Sparkeroni. I heard you screaming. Did you have a nightmare? Well don’t you worry your little head. Papa Hitch is here to help,” said Hitch as he produced a pacifier.
“What? No! You’ve gotta listen to me! I’m not a baby dragon! I’m a fully grown stallion! Some evil demon did this to me! You have to help me!” shouted Shining Armour. Alas, all that came out of his mouth was baby gibberish.
Hitch laughed. “Don’t get so worked up Sparky. I’m sure that you’ll learn to speak one day,” said Hitch as he stuck the pacifier in Shining Armour’s mouth. “Now let’s get you into some jammies. Those should help you sleep better. I know a pair that should look absolutely adorable on you,” said Hitch as he picked up Shining Armour and brought him to a closet chock full of cute onesies.
“No, no, no, nooooo!” shouted Shining Armour in absolute terror.
This would be Shining Armour’s punishment. He would be forced to endure what he had put Flurry Heart through. He would be forced to wear cute embarrassing outfits against his will. And unfortunately for him dragon childhood lasted quite a long time.
Meanwhile back in Hell, Lucifer and Flurry Heart were conversing with each other.
“That was a good plan darling. Your terrible father is finally out of our manes,” said Lucifer.
“I just hope he isn’t too mad at us when he finally dies again and ends up back here,” said Flurry Heart.
“Oh, there’s no need to worry about him ever coming back here. He’s Dragon Hell’s problem now,” said Lucifer.
“There’s a Dragon Hell?” asked Flurry Heart.
“Eh, there’s a Hell for basically everything,” said Lucifer with a shrug.
This response caused Flurry Heart to laugh. Eventually Lucifer joined in her jovial laughter.
“I love you so much,” said Flurry Heart with one last chuckle.
“I love you too darling,” said Lucifer.
The two then shared a passionate kiss knowing that Shining Armour would never be able to bother them or any other resident of Hell ever again.
And that is the story of how Shining Armour died and went to hell.
The End!
