A Dadonequus Christmas

“Goddammit! Goddammit, I fucked up!” You yelled as you sat on the end of a slide at a nearby playground. “How the fuck did I fall for such a cheap trick?!”

“Yes, it is rather concerning. I could nip that in the bud for you if you like. But then again, Fluttershy so wishes to be a great aunt.” Discord said as he paced back and forth in front of a pair of swings.

You just look up at him with a grumpy frown. Even after all that, he still wants to be an ass? “And here I was about to feel bad that we didn’t get the interview you wanted.”

“I need no tears for that failed venture, Anon.” Discord said with a sigh as he looked down, chin being held by his hand, as he looked down to the ground with a serious glare. “No, it seems there will be no celebration at all. It just wasn’t in the cards. I’m afraid we’ll have to abandon our quest for something much more important.”

Wut? “Wha, huh? You’re just giving up? That isn’t like you. Unless that something more important is capturing them for Twilight or something.”

“Ah, a very effective replacement of an idea, Anon. But, no, that isn’t it.” Discord then looks back through the hollows of the trees. “Do you not see how they live? One thousand years of… what? This? They’ve been abandoned, and much like someone great, they gave one last attempt to reclaim their glory and failed. But unlike said person, they have no one else but themselves.”

…Wut? “Uhhh, Discord? You alright?”

Discord looked at his glove hand, and clenched it as he sighed. “I’m perfectly alright, I feel at peace with myself, but troubled with what I have witnessed. Perhaps, if that other me had not done what he did, they would have had a better life.”

………Wut? “Discord. Do you feel, like, sorry for them?”

Discord looked back at you with tears in his eyes. “Yes.”

……………….Wut? “Do you, like, want to help them… Or something?”

Discord’s eyes shimmered. “Yes.”

…………………………………..Wut? “Discord, are you literally feeling humanity course through you? Like, the figurative definition of it?”

Discord fell to his knees and cried pathetically. “Yes!”

Oh god, he wasn’t used to being human in a pony-adjacent universe. Especially with Christmas going on. You sighed and walked up to him, patting his back. “Okay, buddy, I know how it is to want to redeem others so badly. I got your ba-” Suddenly, a loud snap and smashing sound comes from behind your head as half a bat flies forward past you. You look back with a blank expression to see Sonata holding a broken bat.

“Uhhh, aren’t you supposed to be knocked out?” Sonata asked as she held the broken bat towards you.

“No. And don’t ask, it’s a thing about my he-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SNEAKING UP ON US WITH A BAT!?” You yelled out at her as the gravity of the situation dawned on you.

“Eep! Stay back!” Sonata said, holding the handle like a sword. “I still have the other half!”

You were about to call the whole thing off when you noticed something. It was JUST Sonata here, the other two weren’t with her. That’s odd. “Whatever. Look, why are you here? What, to take my wand?”

Sonata nodded quickly, still holding the bat handle towards you.

“Okay, that’s not gonna happen. Seriously, Sonata, do you think I’m just going to give it to you after you smacked my head with a bat? You know what? Fuck it, do you really think I’d let you conquer the multiverse just like that?” You said, angrily at her.

She just nodded again.

Okay then… “Well, no, that’s not happening. So just go back, leave us alone, and wallow in your own shit!”

Sonata recoiled at that, as tears began to fill her eyes. “Please, don’t! I need that wand, honest!”

This crap again? “You won’t get me this time. You could offer to give me a handy and I’d still say no.”

Sonata shook her head. “I-I don’t know what that is, but I would, anything. I need the wand, really! If you don’t, ngh…” She suddenly dropped the handle of the bat as she drooped forward. “Then Aria and Adagio are going to split. They haven’t stopped arguing since you both ran away. I’ve never seen them argue this bad, and I got really scared. Please, we’ve never been apart, and this is the only way to stop it from happening!”

“You’d give me a…” Wait, no. Huh? Woah woah… “You mean, if you don’t get the wand, you’re all just going to split up?”

Sonata nodded, tears in her eyes. “Y-yes… Adagio is blaming Aria for not holding you down when she had your wand. And Aria is blaming Adagio for being so petty in the first place. Everything you offered disappeared, and it really set Aria off. I tried to calm them down, but it didn’t work. So I took Aria’s bat and tried to, well, knock you out and take your wand. S-sorry, I just…” Sonata fell to her knees, crying again as she held her hands to her eyes. “I’m scared, I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want them to be alone either. We’ve always been together. Always.”

Was she being genuine? You suddenly felt pretty bad for her. But even then, you couldn’t give up the wand, as it still sounds like it’d cause a multiversal meltdown. ”Sonata, even if you’re telling the truth, I can’t give you the wand.”

Sonata sniffed and sobbed. “I-I know, but I… I wanted to try to get it anyway.” She slowly stood up, and waved pathetically at you as she turned to walk off. “I-I’m just going to go. S-sorry, really. M-maybe I can convince them to still stay the night in the van… Maybe they’ll decide to stick around anyway.” She then let out a little whine. “I can just never have a Christmas where everyone is just happy for once…”

“Hm…” Discord suddenly rose up, and looked to Sonata as he gently called out to her. “My dear Sonata, how I sympathize with your pain. While we cannot give you the wand, perhaps we can assist you with this problem you have found yourself in.”

“H-hm?” Sonata looked back at Discord, her face flushed and tears running. “W-what do you mean?”

“Believe it or not. Anon and I have a great amount of experience with issues such as this. Redemption and all that. Did you know that I even managed to redeem the queen of the changelings?” Discord said with a large grin.

“Ugh…” You groaned as you brought your hand to your face. “You literally shot a poison dart into me, jackass.”

“Hey, whatever works.” Discord said with a shrug.

“Redemption? You mean, becoming good guys?” Sonata asked.

“It isn’t as bad as you think. You have the attention of those who care about you, you can have tea time, you’re invited to so many events, and you can still annoy those who deserve it and then hide behind your friends should it backfire. Trust me, it has its perks.” Discord said.

“I’d like that, actually. If it means we stick together, then I’m willing to try anything! B-besides, it sounds like it means we’d actually be able to celebrate Christmas. You know… If we had… Friends?” Sonata said with an unsure gulp.

“Ah, there it is, the magic word. Because, as we all know…” Discord’s fancy suit suddenly began to shimmer in gold as a golden top hat appeared on his head. “...Friendship is Magic!”

You groaned at that, but you also could barely hide a smile.

“Wow!” Sonata’s eyes began to shimmer as she brought her hands together in amazement. “That’s amazing! Thank you!”

“Ah, don’t thank us yet. We still need to come up with a plan, of course. Now…” Discord began to rub his hand under his chin. “What can we do to make this work?”

Hm, you actually felt inspired by Discord. You were ready to abandon this world and say fuck it, but whether this was genuine or the Christmas Spirit, you really felt the urge to help. “Hold on, Discord, I got this.” You wave your wand a bit, then hold it towards Sonata. “Here, take it.”

Sonata was suddenly surprised. “R-really? But, wouldn’t this just make me a bad guy then?”

“It’s alright, trust me. Take it back, and it should make everything better.” You tell her with a gentle smile.

“I… I dunno…” Sonata said as she looked away, unsure. But after a moment, she reluctantly took it. “But, if it means not splitting up, then I’ll take it. I-I’ll try to convince them not to do anything bad with it, okay?”

You just nodded, feeling sure of yourself. “It’s fine, just make sure they don’t end up splitting up, alright?”

Sonata nodded, and hugged you. “Thank you so so so so much! You can trust me, I promise I won’t mess up! Ohhh, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever!” Sonata jumped up with glee as she immediately made her way back towards the other two Dazzlings.

Discord just walked up next to you, and sighed. “She’s going to explode in front of them, isn’t she?”

“Yep.” You said nonchalantly.

“Don’t you think the whole ‘fake death’ thing is overplayed? Really, Anon, I expect more from you.” Discord said as he looked at you with fatherly disappointment.

You just shrugged. “Hey, to paraphrase you, ‘as long as it works’ “

“Touche” Discord lamented. “Ah well, let’s go see them grovel to have her back and repent for their trivial squabbles.” Discord, with his magic seemingly working again now that he’s given in to whatever he’s feeling, snaps his fingers, teleporting you both behind a nearby tree. You both could hear Aria and Adagio arguing still.

“He was a shrimp, Aria! How many times do I have to make it clear?! We were this close! This is why I always have to babysit you two! You both always screw things up!” Adagio shouted.

“Sonata almost got us the wand, you bonehead! And besides! How did you go down to a punch from a ‘shrimp’?! Oh wait, maybe if we had just accepted the kid’s offer, we’d be eating shrimp in a jacuzzi right now!” Aria fired back.

“And what, accept… This? All this? Getting tricked by Discord, defeated by Starswirl, then defeated again by Sunset and her dumb friends?! You so don’t get the point! This is why we’re over! And since the van is mine, you can go sleep in a motel or a trash can for all I care!” Adagio growled back at her.

“Fine! But I’m taking Sonata with me, you want to bash your head thinking about the past? Great! Super! But you can do it alone!” Aria said as she stomped and pointed at Adagio.

“Welp, okay, I can see why Sonata was upset enough to try to smash my head in with a bat.” You said, observing the two’s argument.

“Eh, I expected worse. Twilight could have this cleaned up in, I think, twenty two minutes or so?” Discord nonchalantly guessed.

“Yeah, well, we’re about to get this cleaned up right now. Sonata is coming. Just follow my lead.” Oh yeah, time to be a real prick.

Discord just yawned, but allowed you to lead on. “Yes, yes. Do your thing.”

“Girls, girls! Look!” Sonata yelled out as she ran towards the arguing pair.

“Sonata, will you be quiet! I’m trying to put Aria in her… Wait, what?” Adagio looked on over as she saw Sonata running down with the wand, held up high for them to see. “Well, well… Still wanna go, Aria?”

“Ngh, Shut up.” Aria said in a defeated tone as she too noticed Sonata running over. “How did she…?” Aria put her hand over her eyes to try to look closer. “That does look like the wand. Crazy, I never knew she was that good at taking stuff.”

“Look!” Sonata said as she jumped up excitingly, a small distance from the pair, pointing at the wand. “Now can you stop fighting?! I’ll make us a super taco supreme if you dooooo!”

Adagio actually smirked, impressed as she put her hand to her hip. “I guess I’m down for that. Oh and, Aria? You can stick around if you want. But from now on, it’s my way or the highway. We’re about to take this world by storm, and I don’t need you holding me back.”

“Wow, seriously?” Aria said with a snarl. “Sonata was the one who got the wand back, Adagio. Maybe she should be the one in charge for once, at least she got things done.”

“I’M IN CHARGE, ME!” Adagio suddenly snapped at her, pointing towards herself. “We’re the Dazzlings, as in, Adagio Dazzling. ME! I’ve waited too long for this, we all have! But if you want to change course? Fine! Go! But Sonata stays with me! You can go do whatever you want to do, solo!”

“Shut up, already! You, you, you, you! Your ideas stink, they always stunk! How about I take the wand, and show you how it’s really done!” Aria barked back.

“No! No! You’re not supposed to be arguing! Look, I have the wand! Didn’t you see it?! We’re supposed to be the best of forever friends! Stop talking like you’re not! If you want to take over everything, fine! But we gotta do it together! W-why…” Her words were falling on deaf ears as they continued to argue towards each other. “Ngh! Why?! What’s going to get you two to stop and make up! What?! Do I have to blow u-” And before she could even finish her sentence, she exploded violently as blood and guts sprayed across the snow. The wand flew upwards from the blast, with a flicker of light.

It was enough to catch the two off guard as the spray of gore flew around. Both of them looked shocked, horrified even. Aria was silent for a moment, before reaching towards where Sonata stood. “S-Sonata? Sonata? No, what happened?! She didn’t just blow up, right?! T-that didn’t happen, right?”

As the wand flew down, you appeared out of nowhere to catch it, just as planned. The perfect spell. “There we go, that’s what she gets for taking things that aren’t hers.”

“Y-you!” Aria pointed angrily, tears running down her face. “You didn’t! You couldn’t have!”

“But I did. What do you care? She was just an annoying taco girl, right? Besides, it didn’t look like you guys were really friends anyway with the way you treated her.” You say, looking at the wand as you gave them an arrogant smirk.

“N-ngh, S-... Ngh…” Aria fell to her knees, she couldn’t process what was happening as she looked down at the chunks of Sonata. “Sonata, I… I… This has to be a dream, right?”

You laughed evilly. “It’s no dream. Should have taken my offer. Ah well, I’ll leave you two to it then. Me and Dad are gonna get out of here now, I don’t want to deal with your pathetic tears.” Adagio just seemed to be in silent shock, and Aria was both livid and in excruciating agony at the ‘loss’ of Sonata.

“Sonata…” Aria couldn’t even muster her anger, she didn’t know what to do, she couldn’t process that someone she knew for so long died in front of her. “Sonata, I… Ngh, I didn’t even… I’m… Sorry.”

Okay, maybe you really did overdo it this time. Aria just seemed utterly broken while Adagio… Wait, what was she doing? “Adagio, what’s up? Got something to say? Anything?”

Adagio took a moment, then reached down to pick up a ball of snow that had some of Sonata’s blood on it. She then took a lick, almost confidently. “...Cherry.”

C-cherry?

“Adagio! What’s wrong with you?! How can you think of cherries when he… Ngh!” Aria held on to herself, feeling a flash of cold and dread around her.

“Ugh, Aria, you’re such a baby. Sonata didn’t explode, it’s a trick. Discord isn’t one to eliminate anyone, he doesn’t find it fun. I highly doubt he’d let his pathetic worm of a son do anything this extreme.” Adagio then looked at you with a confident smirk. “Am I right, Anon? That was your name, right? Gotta hand it to you, you almost got me. But if Discord got tamed by a bunch of pathetic ponies, then I really doubt you’d be much better than he is. Awww, look at you, it’s so adorable when someone else’s plan just falls apart. What? Did you want me to feel bad or something?”

Shit… “U-uhhh…” When you looked towards Discord, who was still hiding behind a tree, he was just mockingly clapping. Fuck, for once, you probably should have listened to him. You weren’t expecting Adagio to figure you out.

Adagio rolled her eyes at you. “Puh-leeeeaze, you’re so pathetic. I don’t feel bad over anything, ever. I could hear Sonata whining about us splitting up or whatever, because she just doesn’t put that much thought into thinking. It’s why you managed to trick her so easily. We don’t split up, ever. If they want to leave, that’s their 'choice'. But this right here? This is why I’m the leader, this is why they follow ME! Because I’m literally the only one who puts any thought into anything.” Adagio then looks at Aria with a dominating snarl. “And that’s exactly what I was talking about. You let this twerp trick you again! It’s like I said, if you had just held him down, we’d already be taking things over.”

Aria just sat on her knees, tear-filled, defeated. “Right…”

“Yeah, exactly, I’m right.” Adagio said with a self satisfied smirk. “So, why don’t you bring her back, and get out of our faces. I’m tired of you two jokers.”

D-dammit…

You didn’t know what to do this time. It wasn’t like anything was at stake, but to just lose, and leave things as they are? It didn’t feel good at all. You didn’t know how to follow up such a colossal failure. You actually wished Twilight was here, she’d know what to do.

But then, you felt the gentle warmth of a hand touching the back of your shoulder.

It was Discord, and he seemed ready to back you up. But, with what?

What was his plan?