Horror. Horror would be the only word that could accurately describe how David felt.

His phone, a useless brick that had sat in his bedside table for the past year since he arrived in Equestria- had sparked to life next to him.

At first, he was shocked. Secondly, hopeful. Thirdly, foolishly determined to find his way home as his people somehow found a way to communicate with him. Which as everyone knows in sci-fi movies, is the first step to getting home.

And pictures, too! This was amazing!

And then he had seen all the 'messages.' All the images.

The charts. The lines. The paragraphs of philosophy. The sheer chaos and determination of a lonely Alicorn with too much time to burn on her hooves.

So sheerly much of it, it would be impossible to process in a mere day, much less the attention span given to a text message.

It made his blood go cold.

It all flashed in front of his eyes- his mind struggling with it all. Like an eldritch horror, a Necronomicon of shipping. No mortal creature was supposed to see any of this, no mortal mind could comprehend it, unless they were on Tumblr before the porn ban.

He should have figured- Rogers doesn't give data services across dimensions, much less his shitty apartment back home...

Knock-knock-knock.

"D-David..." A voice came from his front door- out of breath, desperate... "I-I'm here for youuu~"

He dropped his phone like a rock on the floor, backing up against his bed- his knees almost giving out as he nearly stumbled back onto it. His phone started to vibrate rapidly as it retreated under his bed- seemingly just as afraid as he was.

How- how was she here? Why was she here?! How did she find him?! When did she-

"We were having... a nice chat, weren't weeeeee?~"

Everything she said was done in a beautiful sing-song- and it terrified him to no end.

Fight or flight, it was time to decide:

Fight: She can fly, she can magic him. Probably deck him and cause great bodily harm.

Flight: Big legs are fast. Maybe faster than fly. Dunno, ponies haven't been able to keep up with him so far. And god knows Lyra has tried.

'Flight sounds good!'

With his decision made, he found the nearest window and pried it open, trying to shove his oversized body through the pony-sized hole.

It was not a delicate matter- if he were a surgeon, the buzzers were blaring and the patient was flailing uncontrollably.

"What's all that noise?"

"N-Nothing!" He stammered out, just out of habit. Curse his overbearing parents!

"Oh okay goo- HEY WAIT!"

Falling to the ground with a loud 'oof,' he clutched his head in his hands. This wasn't the first time he was chased by a deranged pony, but he wouldn't be caught again!

Not after the last one just... stared at his hands. Menacingly. And started rambling about hoof holding, and tummy rubs and... ear scritches and... nuzzled into them and... and... the unmentionable things he had wrought from his mind...

Never again!

He finally understood how it felt to be harassed for having different body parts than others- and he never intended to live through it again!

Why else were there... there... so many goddamned shipping charts... He was going to be another science experiment!

Digging his hands into the dirt (after collapsing into it in a heap of sweat and desperation), he pushed himself off like a professional sprinter, determined to make it to Twilight. If anybody here could save him from whatever twisted fate was in store for him, it would be Celestia's own Weapon of Mass Destruction. Clearly, this pink pony had gone insane (which frankly felt in-character with his dealings with another pink-pony), and with any evidence from the last time she'd used them, they could deal with insanity!

"I said wait!" The princess shouted, rounding a corner as he took off ahead of her. Her cheeks puffed up as she dug her hooves into the ground. "I see how it is!" And moments later, she dashed off after him in full-gallop...

David was decidedly making very little progress. He should've figured, these ponies are technically alternate-dimensional horses so speed seems a given; but it didn't remove even an ounce of terror from him as he booked it from his little house near the edge of Ponyville into it's depths. Vaulting over barrels and boxes and carts and god-knows what, only for her to casually leap over them and continue on with a terrifying determination.

Even as his chest heaved for breath, he wouldn't give up. Not after... not after...

His mind was already trying to purge the sights from his brain. Those images were... unholy.

"What part about 'wait' do you not understand!" He heard the exasperated cry of the crazed alicorn behind him, but he kept going.

"Oh I understand it all to well, but I also understand ponies are crazy! Plus I don't even really know who you are!"

"I don't- It's Cadance, y'know the pony who came for that stupid party? We were having a very nice conversation the other day and I just wanted to-"

"You'll never catch me alive!"

With a huff, the alicorn picked up her speed. Very much seeming like she was going to catch him alive. "I just want to talk, what're you freaking out over?!"

"NEV-"

His focus on the crazed alicorn had brought any and all of his focus away from his path, and despite the sheer determination he felt... he ended up running himself right into the corner of a few buildings.

To be fair, it had looked like an alleyway from the outside. He didn't expect it was two houses stapled together with a mini-house stapled between them. Damned ponies and not having zoning or over-obsessive housing associations!

"-Errr..."

"Heheheh..."

And here David was, facing his Goliath. A very pink Goliath, who was heaving for breath and staring a hole into his soul. Backed into a corner, there was no escape to be found...

Finally taking the chance to breathe, her voice was quickly broken apart. He hadn't realized how far they had actually gone, until he felt his own chest start to ache painfully. Adrenaline was one hell of a drug... "About... our... talk... if you would just stop... running..."

"About what?!" He found a surprising amount of indignation in his soul well up. "Your shipping charts, your philosophy memes, all of that chaos- not to mention the freaking relationship circles... I don't know, tetrahedrons?! N-no... it had to be more..."

The memories flowed, momentarily blocked by the chaos. But now he saw it all. He pulled a hand to his head, gasping as the headache came over him. He knew fully well where that indignation- no- rage was flowing from.

"... Half of those hypotheticals were gay, and like 30% of them had 'destined lovers' towards way too many ponies. What are you even trying to do?! Normalize gay polyamory?!"

His other hand shuddered in front of him, as the charts... so many charts... flowed in his memory.

"H-hey, that's an assumption, a pony can have several potential soulmates but only end up with one!"

His gaze snapped back to her, his fist clenching.

"Explain the like, 3 pages of essay on why 'how we used to do it' was better?!"

She paused, wings fluttering next to her as she tried to find an excuse.

"Th-That has nothing to do with my shipping charts!"

His fist was trembling, with a deep, primal rage that only a social creature could feel.

"I feel like it kind of does!" He practically roared. "Correlation and all- you posted them right afterwards!"

She stammered awkwardly for a moment, her wings fully flaring up behind her. "Well it's cute! Everypony ends up happy!"

"Except for the poor person who realizes they can't handle several ponies! What happens then, huh?!"

"You think I'd walk them into that?!"

"After what I've seen, maybe!"

With his stance squared, he pulled in one deep breath, stabilizing himself for what he had to do. He had to stop this. He had to escape with his life, before he saw any more of those damned charts! Any of this fucked up philosophy! Any of her... damned experiments!

Sometimes, flight requires fight. Might makes right.

If there was no way out, he'd carve his own!

He let out a guttural roar, charging directly at her. Her wings flared wider out in alarm as a complete prey response came over her, and she froze. Victory was assured!

With arms outstretched, he leaned down, grabbing her by the barrel and hoisting her upwards. But overestimating the strength he needed, he instead went tumbling over with her, clutching her close by instinct as they rolled over several times. Landing on top of her, finally, as his grasp instinctively held.

"... Why're you so light?" He gasped once they were free, pushing himself up by his arms, though they remained by her sides.

The princess blinked in complete surprise for a moment, her eyes readjusting as she gathered her situation. "... Why're you so strong?"

As if to answer her own question, her eyes darted from left to right, to his arms by her sides, then slowly down his body, then up again. She seemed almost... impressed? But also judgmental. Like 'you can do better' judgmental.

He squinted. He'd taken care of himself pretty well since he came here, she had no right to give him that look! Two could play that game. Tightening his grip on the pony between his arms, he slowly looked do-

He received two, fully-charged hooves to the groin, sending him hurtling over her about a meter, rolling over. He clenched himself close, groaning loudly.

"Th-the hell was that for?!"

"Y-you were going to look someplace weird!"

"Says the one who examined me!"

"You have clothes, I don't!"

"That doesn't mean you had to-" He groaned loudly again. "Little... shit... I should be the one surprised you're so... strong..."

His groans became those of pure agony. It was direct. It was horsey. It was pain. There was no adrenaline saving him from it anymore. Just, pain.

She winced. "S-sorry..."

"Sorry... my ass..."

"Sounds like f-" He heard the mare slap herself. "No! Don't make those jokes! Especially not now!"

The fear returned to him, as he pushed a hand to the ground, struggling to get up again. Struggling being the keyword, as he failed repeatedly, only succeeding in pressing his face into the dirt as he curled into a ball.

The pink pony princess, after a few moments to collect herself, watched him with increasing concern. "Are you... okay?"

"Gimme a minute..."

"Err... okay..."

The groans continued for a long moment, the longest in either of their lives. "Seriously though... y'all never wear clothes, that was not needed!"

The alicorn stood there, flustered, as she tried to avoid his gaze. "Well usually we're not on our backs! When you go out of your way to look, then it's weird!"

"You act like I wasn't just- responding in kind..." One last heavy groan escaped him, before with both hands on the ground, he staggered his way up to his feet. Wiping off his brow as his stance barely held together, only really succeeding in smearing dirt across his face. "I'm... I'm good."

"You sure?" She cringed slightly.

"Yup." He responded flatly. Moments before he dug a heel into the ground, spun around on it, and ran away at full speed. "NEVER AGAIN!"

"Oh you little-" She let out an angry snort, taking off after him in turn. "I didn't kick that hard!"

"That isn't what worries me!" He answered, vaulting over barrels strewn through the market. "It's the fact that whatever the fuck you're up to, you'll resort to violence for it!"

"Wh- Hey, defending my dignity isn't the same as-" Her snort only got louder as with a burst of speed and a twist around a corner, the human disappeared from her sight. It was her turn to groan, though much more in frustration. "I JUST WANT TO TALK! WE WERE HAVING A VERY NICE CONVERSATION THE OTHER DAY AND-"

Rounding the corner, he was... gone. "Oh come on!"

She stopped, taking another moment to catch her breath, desperately looking around. He had ran straight into the markets, and even among the swarm of ponies in the middle of the day he should be easy to spot!

Holy shit, he'd done it. He'd gotten away from her. Who knew that getting prone and whisper-yelling 'Metal Gear' at anyone who tried to question him would work out this well? There was some consistency to this land, and it seems that playing into a joke was the best way to wield it.

Either that, or they decided that whatever psychotic break he had while screaming and running from the princess of non-consensual love experimentation was better not to trifle with. It was worth it, though, even if he was used as a stepping stool more than once!

Sure, his pace had slowed, but now he was close. He could see the treebrary in the distance, and that was all he needed. In due time, his 'Metal Gear's became louder, more fiery and far more frequent, as he crawled himself out into the clearing around it. Realizing he'd lost any and all cover, he took off into a sprint again to burst inside.

"Twilight?! Are you here?! There's a crazed alicorn looking for m-"

A crazed alicorn that was now having tea and looking dejected, with his supposed saviour.

"Fuck."

Once again, he'd caught himself out, and in an instant the alicorn was on her hooves, a little glint in her eyes as she saw him. "There you are! I thought you just..."

"No I'm not!" He cut her off, trying to back out.

"... Yes you are." She fixed him with a deadpan stare.

"Nuh-uh, I'm your schizophrenic nightmare apparition, I'm here to tell you Christmas future is going to be very not-kosher this year, I'd change your ways if I were you."

She narrowed her eyes, locking to his. He could only hope and pray that he managed to diffuse this with his improv lessons from oh so long ago...

He started to sweat as she took a step forwards, matching his taken back.

"S-see, so aggressive! Leave weird monkey things alone?" He posed it as a question by accident, and truth be told he wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't run, even if he wanted to, that last dash inside was all he had. Mmmmmaaaaaybe he should've not dragged himself halfway across Ponyville. Either way... he was getting desperate.

Twilight finally stood up, confused as ever. His saviour! "Okay what's going on here? David, why did she come in here all upset that you were running from her?"

He quickly crossed over his neck with a hand repeatedly, only for her to roll her eyes. "And no, you're not a crazy ghost. Stop that."

'Fuck!' Traitor!

Cadance's lips curled into a little smile. "So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well if you won't talk to me, I'll have to make sure you can't run first!"

'... Wait, does she think this is some kind of game or somethi-'

She pounced. He let out a small screech. Twilight watched with bemusement as they started to scuffle on the ground.

At this point she hadn't decided if she wanted to break them up, or let David suffer for whatever he did this time. It felt like every other week she got a free friendship lesson from him misinterpreting whatever the ponies around him wanted.

After making Lyra cry like that... Yeah. Maybe he'd earned a few bruises. All of this was pretty par for the course, and she was glad he got his own lessons too.

"O-ow, lighten up on the hooves!" And bruises, he was getting.

"Stop wriggling then!"

"Stop trying to manhandle me!"

She paused, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He'd mentioned Lyra doing something weird last time. And the ways ponies looked at him... Shoot, she'd never fully heard Cadance out, what if he was running for a good reason?!

"Let go of my wing then!"

... Or was he being weird? She sat back down, deciding to give it another minute or two before she made her decision.

Her bemusement quickly soured as their scuffle migrated towards a wall/bookshelf. A few books starting to get knocked off, and thrown across the room. She tried to catch them as they went, but the entire place started to get torn apart. A few hairs popped out of her mane, even more of her patience started to drain... Surely they'd wear themselves out soon, right? Rarity and Applejack usually didn't scuffle for too long.

Yet again, this was her former foalsitter, and the crazed human that seemed to have a screw loose ever since he arrived.

"Okay, you two, cut it out!" She finally snapped when a book's binding bent the wrong direction as it went flying from the pile, pages scattering across the floor. "Are you starting to use my library as a weapon or something?!"

The two paused for a moment. Cadance had a heavy book in her mouth, looming over his head with it, and he in turn had a couple books in his hands, fashioning a very crude set of clubs.

Her eye twitched. Her horn sparked to life.

The two shared a small glance, before they leapt in her direction.

"HEY N-" It was too late. She was a part of this now, whether she wanted to be or not. David's desperation for help, Cadance's attempts to restrain him, but instead they all got third-partied. Reading the writing on the wall, Twilight was forced to use the one thing she never thought she'd ever use: The same tactics they were. But with greater force. Books flying off the walls at them in a torrent of pain... but they wouldn't relent.

"LEAVE MY LIBRARY OUT OF THIS!"

With an overexcessive burst of magic, all three of them were teleported apart from each-other... scarring the room with streaks of black. Truly, it looked like a bomb had gone off.

After a few violent shakes of her head to clear the teleportation fog... she saw it. The outcome of her own actions. Or more accurately, theirs, but that hadn't quite hit her yet.

"... The mayor is going to kill me."

Two hissing winces come from the other two denizens in the room. One teleported onto the top of the stairs, and another stuck on top of the still-open front door.

"... She started it!" David broke the silence with an accusing finger pointed towards Cadance, who pulled back in shock from the stairs.

"You were running, you wouldn't even let me talk! If anything it's your fault!"

Twilight felt something deep inside snap. With it came a deadly calm. And a lot of magic, as the human was peeled from the doorframe and alicorn squeakily flipped from the top of the stairs.

"Talk." The unicorn spoke simply, not a bit of soul left in her eyes. Those scattered pages... they... they weren't there anymore. She'd... she'd done something horrible this day.

"... About what?! Her crazy-"

"You're paying for this or fixing it." She cut him off.

David's hand was left floating in the air, as his indignation died, to only be replaced by dread. "B-but you blew up th-"

The look she gave him was enough to drain any fight from him. It probably helped when he was unceremoniously dropped to the floor.

Cadance started to snicker, and in turn Twilight's gaze moved over to her. "I might appreciate you for all you've done for me; but you chased a foreign creature across Ponyville without asking how he felt about it, and you have now disappointed me. You were my foalsitter, I expected better from you."

It was at that point, she lost all her fight too and dejectedly flumpfed over from Twilight's hold into the floor.

Both of them knew, when Twilight Sparkle got formal, you backed down. The Canterlot Bitch always existed within her, just waiting to be tempted out. Neither would dare.

"Talk."

It was at that point, Twilight got up, and left. She needed a shower, physically and mentally she felt like a mess now. This whole teleporting thing... it still left her sooty. And her soul certainly felt blackened.

The two decided to remain in their crumpled pile for a moment, just in case.

"... And if you two haven't figured it out before I come back, there'll be hell to pay!"

And the two decided to sit up and casually start a conversation.

"So, why did you decide to obsessively flood my dead phone with insanity and then chase me halfway across Ponyville?" David started cheerfully.

She just blinked. Partly incredulous at how quickly he recovered, mostly from his answer. "You don't... remember?"

"Remember what?"

"The... The party a couple weeks ago? When we talked?"

He blinked a few times in turn, feeling a fuzzy recollection but nothing else. "Not... really?"

"You were pretty... salted up, I guess. It was the 16th..."

"Salted u-" 'Shit, right, they don't get boozed up the same way.' That was when Celestia came down to Ponyville for whatever, and Pinkie wanted him to be there because he was 'so good at starting lessons...' The most he remembered so far was his desire to not be there. "Ahahah, yeah... the uh... the 16th."

"... You don't remember?" She repeated, almost with a twinge of pain.

"N-no, I do, I do... just..." He pulled a hand to his chin, trying to remember. Yeah, he'd gotten... he'd gotten a little carried away, hadn't he...

And there David was… bored out of his mind. Although Pinkie tried (god knows she tried), he couldn’t really bring himself to get up and join this little party. Even if this was a later one, adults only. Something about the royals coming through, he might’ve been more interested if they hadn’t given him a flat ‘no’ to his questions about going home last time.

… Okay maybe it wasn’t so much a flat ‘no’ as it was a ‘that isn’t physically or magically possible in any way we have discovered yet after intense research,’ but still.

He sighed. He couldn’t just not show up… but y’know what he could do?

Moving to wallflower professionally, he sipped on a cup of spiced cider. Casually blowing some of the steam off of it as he criss-crossed the fuck out of that applesauce, and rested his drink fittingly between his legs. Alright, maybe he’d gone a little heavy on the drinks tonight- but the bars kept slingin’ em’ for em’!

Granted, ponies seemed to burn through alcohol as fast as they did sugar, and it was the salt additives that got them hungover… but asking for a ‘non-salted’ drink seemed to become the cheat code, and not just for his tastebuds. For all they knew, he was getting drunk on salt and then coming back for a virgin palette-cleanser, HAH! Truly, he was a mastermind of loopholes.

Humming happily, he cradled his drink in his hands again. He closed his eyes, sniffing the beautiful spiced fumes and taking a gentle sip, only choking a little bit on the cinnamon. Couldn’t pass on any fresh ciders here, AJ truly was a mad genius. Even if this one burnt more than it had any right to, but considering Celestia ‘you’re fucked, sorry’ herself was visiting, that seemed quite fitting. Speaking of that, she seemed to be talking to Twilight...

“I see I’m not the only one here looking to get drunk and disappear,” He heard a gentle voice just by his ear, nearly causing him to jump out of his skin as a quarter of his drink went flying onto his lap.

“Fuck!” He furiously, and vainly, tried to pat away the slight burn and gathering puddle of alcohol on his good set of pants.

“I-err-sorry!” The same voice peaked, for a gentle blue glow to pull it all out and banish it to some unseen place. Like nothing had ever happened… except for a small scald, though he could grit his teeth through that.

Blinking, and very much not sure what to do with himself, he just stared at his now-dry pants for a few seconds before his eyes slowly went up to meet whoever was here.

… Oh huh, one of said royals-

With his intentions to wallflower likely completely doomed, he tried to scramble his way to his feet, only for her to raise a hoof to stop him. Her eye twitched a bit, and she sat down next to where he once was, giving the room a couple glances back and forth from him.

He matched her looks despite his fear of being unable to hide, only to discover everyone was… carousing. Not a single glance in his direction, even after his spill. In fact, judging by some of those rosy cheeks, they probably passed it off as someone hitting their limits… and deciding to bystander their way out of noticing.

He awkwardly re-applesauced, trying not to lose his drink again as he uncomfortably nudged a bit away from the princess next to him. This was definitely not to plan. One pony wasn’t zero!

Not only was he decidedly not ready for sudden royal intervention into his private hiding time, he was also, as they say, ‘a bit too fucking smashed for this.’

Others might say ‘probably going to forget this anyways, so fuck it.’

For now, he could humour both.

He took a few sneaking glances off at her. At a distance, it was easy to acknowledge that this was royalty. A tall, pink pony alicorn princess with cotton-candy-swirls hair and a giant crystal heart stamped to her ass. Up close, it was pretty much the same, though he’d never been able to see, smell, or really feel a presence like this before. Her horn seemed about as filed as they come, her wings perfectly preened, and her coat shampooed to the point it looked like silk. To say ‘well-kempt’ would be an understatement, if Celestia was visiting, this princess was on display… Hell, her regalia hurt his eyes a little from the perfectly-polished reflection of the gentle firelight around them.

Only thing she was missing was a fancy dress, or some sign saying ‘hey if anyone of note is here, come gawk at her and ask her out!’

He found it incredibly suspicious. From the little pamphlet he read, she was the Princess of Love or something, right? Why’d the Princess of Love of all ponies be single?

Did she eat them, like a mantis, after it’s consummated? Or drain their soul for love, in order to spread it to others? Or-or did she literally eat love or something, and it was a cruel name?

He sipped suspiciously.

In turn, the mare turned her head and blushed a bit, rubbing a hoof against another.

“Y-yeah, that stare seems about right… After I uhm… yeah.”

He caught the drink down the entirely wrong hole, coughing his lungs out after having been caught in the act. Yup! Not even sober enough to be sneaky!

“I-err-” He ahemed a heavy ahem. “Well I just uhh, yeah wasn’t expecting to find anybody else over in my little hidey hole. Much less a-uh… good-looking pony princess?”

Her head raised just a bit as she stared off emptily into the room, blinking a few times before just clearing her own throat and looking away. “Weeeeell… I wasn’t having a good time getting chatted up, and you looked comfy over here, so…”

“Mm, well I was but then…” Her eyes snapped over to him as he, very literally, smacked himself mid-sentence. “Sorry. Let’s try that again. Yeah, I was trying to hide. This kind of stuffy party isn’t my thing, much less with how judgey ponies can be. Last time I danced or did anything they sniggered so… Booze and a corner for me, yup.” He mumbled into the lip of his drink again. “That never changed.”

Her breath caught for a moment as she tried to stifle a half-hearted laugh, but it failed ultimately as a breathy one came out anyways. “Used to not having a good time, then?”

“Yupperooni, very used to that. So!” He raised his glass up for a moment, before meeting it with his lips again. Letting out a very contented sigh as he burned his throat with the cider-cinnamon monstrosity again.

“Yeah… I can get that. These parties are usually a bit… presumptive.”

“S’that why you invaded my personal space and wasted a quarter of my drink?”

Her expression went blank again, before she pulled up a hoof to hide her face. “Maybe?”

She had to stifle a guffaw this time as he smacked himself again. “Sorry, sorry! Definitely overdid it, didn’t mean to come off like that. L-let’s try that again-” It was a herculean effort not to slur here, much less stay awake. Getting a hot drink was not a wise choice. If Pinkie had to drag him home again… Like snuggles are nice and all, but waking up hungover with a pink blob curled into his chest usually leads to panicked responses.

“How about uhm… here, here.” He swallowed down a lump in his throat, self-medicating with another sip of his drink in the meantime. “What’s ah, what’s your name? What’dyou do again? 'Spread love,' right?”

She blinked slowly, meeting his gaze innocently. “... How drunk are you?”

“Enough that I don’t remember why I’m here. Or your name.”

“... Should I get one?” She asked, very slowly.

“Prolly,” he shrugged. “If you don’t intend to go out and talk with anyone else. Since I’m not gonna make a lot of sense.”

She matched his gaze for a long, long moment, the two barely blinking out of fear it would be seen as rude, before a small smile crept onto her face.

“... Cadance. Don’t uh, worry about the princess part.”

He smiled. A goofy, totally-drunk-off-his-ass smile. “David. Don’t worry about the freaky monkey part.”

She couldn’t hold back a snort, as she got up next to him, trotting off with very little warning as her wings fluttered by her side.

“I’ll be back- with a replacement for what I wasted, too!”

“Cut out the salt!” He whisper-yelled off after her. “Stuff is yuck in a good drink!”

“Wasn’t gonna offer you any, anyways!” She chuckled back. “Think I need double, though, I’ll take yours!”

His evil grin would be enough to get him blasted by the elements, he’s sure…

Everything after that was a complete blur. He didn’t remember a lick of it. Hell, he barely remembered Cadance, if it wasn’t for the fact he’d stared a hole through her when she first showed up.

No wonder he didn’t remember their ‘conversation’- he was down his… god, he couldn’t even remember how many drinks he had that night. All he did remember was the fact he couldn’t function the next day. And that somehow, at some point after he got home, he had carved a few figurines to represent the alicorns. They sold well, too. Like, really well.

Divine inspiration, it seemed. Or an alcohol-infused creative frenzy that needed minor alterations later. It was the latter. Definitely the latter.

Cadence seemed to scuff a hoof on the floor nervously, waiting as he rubbed a hand against his chin as if he hadn’t just ran out of memories.

“... Yeah, I completely forgot everything after you went to grab us a couple drinks…” He admitted, leaning into his hands with a groan.

Her ears pinned backwards. “O-oh…”

“Iiiii kinda overdid it.”

“Y-you mentioned, thought you were joking… G-guess that’s why you humoured me for so long.” Almost immediately, whatever second wind had brought her here seemed to crumble with her posture. “And why Pinkie had to drag you home…”

Seeing her deflate like that, it brought a sobering reality to the front. More accurately, the sobering reality that he'd acted nicer, and a bit less like a chaotic clusterfuck while absolutely smashed.

"I-I should've figured... this is usually how it goes. Nopony is ever really interested in what I do, just..." A small sniffle escaped from her, as she buried her face in her hooves. "I'm just the failure-princess."

Twilight raised a hoof to move, having freshly escaped the shower as he had finished reliving his drunken haze, but to her surprise David had already beaten her there.

"H-hey, I never said that, just..." He cleared his throat, awkwardly avoiding the fact he had very much thought something similar in his drunken haze and very much earlier. "To be fair, I was drunk off my ass that night, and I'm kind of used to having crazy ponies break down my door for various reasons."

He settled down next to her, in a familiar criss-crossed position, offering her back a few scritches that many, many ponies seemed to find irresistible so far. It seemed to work at least a tiny bit when her ears struggled against flicking back and perking up. "What did we talk about, then?"

She mumbled half-heartedly, shaking her head. "That's just to make me feel better."

"And is that a crime?" He raised an eyebrow, leaning over to look at her face.

"... No..." She tried to hide it, anyways, moping.

Twilight groaned behind them, turning to walk away again. "You two are like fillies, I swear!"

Both of them paused, meeting each-other's gaze again with an awkward chuckle.

David cleared his throat and leaned back, trying to play it off.

"Why did you... flip like that then?" He asked, just leaning back to create a bit of a distance as he side-eyed her. "Even if I did remember everything, still kind of weird how you approached it."

What he saw made everything clear: That was a face Twilight would make. Embarrassment and petrification definitely included.

Now he knew where she got it from.

'Lonely mare, oddly specific abilities stronger than anyone else's...'

'Dear god, she's a well-meaning lonely incel who encountered someone who asked a genuine question about their hyperfixation.'

It all made sense now. The text walls, the images, everything... She'd tried to answer what she did as the princess of love!

"... Alright, lesson number one: Chasing down somepo-shit-one is not a great way to communicate this message to them. Nor piling pages and pages of theory on them."

"It's normally... pretty accepted, isn't it?"

"Wait, no, that doesn't-" Suddenly, he was taken back into his first weeks in Ponyville. Everyone rushing at him, asking questions- Twilight showing up on his doorstep with twelve pages of questions.

The many times Twilight and her friends got into some random drama to learn a lesson, and chased each-other across the world for it.

... Lyra.

The revelations kept coming.

"... Okay well it's not normal for me! How would you feel if I chased you across Ponyville to answer a series of questions I never got to answer!"

"I dunno! I'd probably find it funny or something!" She protested.

As if to make a point, David planted both his feet on the ground, and rose up to stand over her.

Menacingly.

The prey response worked like a charm.

"Hah! See! You got all scared!"

"Cause you look like you want to eat me! It's different when you're a predator!"

"And what if I do, huh?! What if I live up to that title you just pushed onto me?!"

"Ask me out for dinner fir- Ponyfeathers sorry, force of habit-"

He couldn't hold back a small laugh- before a hand slapped to his mouth.

"... You didn't hear that."

"See, I'm not scary and weird! You are!"

"Hey, don't try and pivot this conversation!"

Twilight watched, with mild annoyance, as the two devolved into another small scuffle in the middle of her blown up living room. What kind of letter was she even supposed to write about this one? What lesson did they learn, did she learn by watching them?

'Dear Princess Celestia, send help I am not qualified for this level of interspecies diplomacy, I have learned my limits today.'

That seemed great!

"Spike! Time for a letter!" She yelled up, unsure if she was supposed to be cheery or not.

"Coming!" Spike yelled back.

"Did you just bite me?!"

"See, didn't hurt, I can't be scary! 'Horsey' teeth don't do anything!"

"That's not how that works, you just showed you're willing to bite me!"

"'Prey' bites don't hurt though!"

"Like hell they don't!"

"Quickly please! Before an incident happens!" Twilight followed.

"... What?" The dragon yelled down, concerned.

David and Cadance were both squaring up, gasping for breath as they were ready for round two of their battle of """wits."""

"SPIKE!" There was no hope without help. They needed Her Grace. "BEFORE I HAVE TO BLOW UP MY LIVING ROOM AGAIN!"

"Okay, okay, jeez-" He groaned from above.

"Wait, wait, incident-" David looked over at the mare, only now processing her own yells. The 'blow up' part probably helped.

"... I can't explain to Auntie again why I caused another 'incident'..." Cadance suddenly looked mortified. "She's going to ban me from ever leaving the castle at this point."

"... Again?" He squinted at her.

"... Again. Do you ever wonder where Twilight's speeches come from? Where her 'social awareness' does? What she does when she thinks you're in the wrong?" And now? Now she looked terrified.

He had to pause, to process this information. The long dronings, the explanations of how magic worked...
The way she would dress down his entire personality, stripping him down like he was a frog on a dissection table...
All the while smiling at him as he wanted to cry from boredom, and then pure distress as every mistake he ever made since coming here was laid in front of him.

"She wouldn't dare do it to me- nor you if I stopped her- but do you know who would?" She followed up, pressing the point as her voice trembled.

He had made his choice, of the two evils. He wouldn't go through that again, much less from the goddess who he could swear stared through him when Twilight showed off the 'alien' to her oh so long ago... "Run?"

"Run." She threw him a panicked smile.

"H-hey! Come back here, I need to prove I learned my lesson!" Twilight yelled, making a step towards them.

"Lesson learned: Misunderstandings are bad!" David proceeded to charge straight at the door, with Cadance quickly in tow.

"That's not a lesson!" She cried, charging at them. "Or, err, already learned that one! You owe me one, David!"

"You'll never catch us alive!" He cried, slamming the door open and charging towards freedom.

"S-see, perfectly normal!" Cadance laughed, taking off ahead of him. Notably faster than he could ever run. She was... a horse, wasn't she? Of course she was fast.

Meanwhile Twilight lagged behind him, looking even more frustrated as Cadance took off and made some distance. Even though her hooves weren't that different in size from her's. She looked like Cadance had just stolen something from her.

"... Still don't forgive you!" He groaned, as everything started to piece together in his head. Of course this was normal, of course this is why ponies always barged into his house and chased him down!

"Yet!" She laughed, sticking her tongue out at them before her wings snapped open and she took off above them. "And don't think this is over!"

"Cheater!" Both the creatures on the ground yelled off after her, as she flew off with a wicked giggle. He could swear he heard the air itself snap as she disappeared off into the sun.

The others soon lost their tempo, slowing down to less than a walk. He pulled a hand to his brow, using it to shield his gaze as he stared off into the sunlit sky, but not finding her. The former pegasus a master in her craft of retreat in her domain.

He sighed. That adventure was over. "... She was kind of cute, for a weird incel," he mumbled.

"What?" Twilight asked, her voice and eyes snapping over towards him in judgement.

"Nothing."

Author's Note

Not after the last one just... stared at his hands. Menacingly. And started rambling about hoof holding, and tummy rubs and... ear scritches and... nuzzled into them and... and... the unmentionable things he had wrought from his mind...

Pic related

~~Sneaking in a joke about Metal Gear while the named human's name is 'David' was an accidental occurrence and I am so glad it happened.~~