CH 1: Cider will make it sting less right?
Author's Note
For Clever and my friends.
CH 1: Cider will make it sting less right?
"Keystone cheated on me. Can you believe it?" I levitated my glass, well no really I scooted it across the bar to where my chin was resting and tipped it up. I could have just grabbed it, but I wasn't done feeling bad for myself. "I spend hours with a quill to make sure she's got dresses imported from that designer in Ponyville–have you seen her work? And then I find one of them crumpled up at the hoof of somepony else's bed."
"How'd ya manage that, fella?" Tap asked, sliding a rag across the bar with a stubby blue foreleg. "Like, ya saw it?"
I spun the glass with my magic, the silver sparkle fading as it twirled. "Well, no. But I imagined it after she told me she was leaving." Tap put his hoof against the top of the glass to stop its spinning and poured me another glass of cider. "Thanks Tap."
"Well, seems like you need it." He mumbled through the bottle's neck as he bit and poured. "You still work with her though, don't you?"
I watched as the liquid gold foamed and filled my glass. The cider bobbed around until a foamy head crested the top and a single drip slipped free down the side and onto the bar. It was the color of her eyes just at the top where the lamplight shone through the bubbles. "Yeah." I laid my head along the bar, mane spilled out behind me as my magic wrapped around the glass and brought it to my lips again. "No, you know the messy thing, she's been hooking up with another guard in her unit. So now I'm lucky if I get more than five minutes in my office before I see both of them."
Tap nodded, nostrils flaring as he rolled into his own thoughts. "You got a plan?"
That felt like a shot in the foreleg. I sat upright and threw back my drink, the cold burning my throat before the heady blur caught up with me and I felt a little dizzy. "I got–" I hiccupped so hard it hurt my chest. "Sorry. I have a great plan. You know the new Princess?"
"Nightmare Moon?" Tap asked as his neck tensed and he looked towards the picture of Celestia over his register. He had this way of stiffening up that looked like his head was about to unscrew while the rest of him fell away like some kind of wind up guard. Tap had family in Ponyville, and he’d always been a little superstitious if the variety of upturned horseshoes nailed above every door and window were anything to go off of. He’d once told me that it was to catch Celestia’s light. "The one who tried to bring unending nightmares to the world?"
"She goes by Luna now. Which–honestly, I think it sounds a little sweet." I dangled my glass in front of him. "Speaking of sweet."
Tap looked at the bottle and snatched it up, sniffing it. "I must have given you something spoiled because it sounded like you were planning to go work with an actual crazymare."
"She's not that bad." Dangle dangle.
Tap snorted and poured again. "Isn't she the one yelling all over the castle grounds? She's been making the fillies in the nursery cry!"
"She doesn't really know how to meter her voice, true." I swirled the cider and watched; I watched the cider lift up past my nose and drain away from the bottom of the glass towards my gullet except for the little bit of foam stuck to my nose. I wish I could have laughed about it, but the mood wasn’t right, and when I thought about laughing in the split moment I remembered how stern she’d looked at me for making fun of myself. She’d always wanted a serious stallion, so much so that she went and found someone who fit the bill besides me. So instead I winced at the sudden influx of liquid, of liquor, the burning in my stomach got worse but who was counting. I slammed the glass down, cushioning the bottom with my magic so that it snapped against the bar and didn't shatter it like I’d really wanted to. Tap, was after all my friend, and my last little grace to Tap was reeling in how bad I was about to pop off.
My voice was raising, my chest tightening. "But she has never said anything evil since she was cursed! She wasn’t herself! We’re not always in control! She's just loud, and that, my friend, is not a crime!" I slid the glass to him, the slight grinding against the bar nearly flinging me into a fervor I canned for Tap, for the bar, for not making another scene.
Tap caught the glass with a hoof and stopped it cold. "How do you know? You're not a lawyer." Tap jabbed me in the chest with the point of his hoof, making me hiccup yet again. "And I think you've had enough. I thought that as soon as you mentioned this whole thing, oh he’s gonna go on a tear, and still you got me to give you another. You’re a menace!" Tap pushed the glass back between us. I could see him weighing our friendship. How much of me could he really put up with before it ticked over into a drain. He did so with the patience of a hero, of someone who’d been through a turn under Nightmare Moon, and said. “Ya know, I just get a little worried about you.”
"My bits glitter just the same, drunk or sober." I cackled out a bitter laugh. I’d have a lot more bits to spend now. I was right when I thought laughing would hurt. It really just felt like I was the butt of a never ending joke. I shook it off. Tap was in front of me, concern written across his face in thirteen different languages. “Why worry?”
"Didn't she try to kill one of Celestia's apprentices?" Tap's eyes flicked to a newsprint hanging above the shelves of cider and brandy. It was a heroic picture of the six fillies who had saved Luna lined up with golden accents hanging on their necks, looking like a whole royal procession all on their own. Pretty, tough, unfazed by the whole ordeal it would seem. The headline, though, read “Ponyville Saved from Eternal Night!” “Courageous ponies band together to defeat the recently returned Nightmare Moon and save Princess Luna!” The longer I looked at the print I was increasingly sure one of those fillies was my seamstress.
"Tabloids...." I put down another bit and slid it to Tap. "Listen, the job post mentioned travel, I'd be working a completely different shift from Keystone, and honestly I don't mind the night shift. I mean Tap, do you really want to spend your entire life in Canterlot? These herds of stuck up snobs coming and going, never bringing anything new into your doors? Do you wanna live without adventure?"
Tap was gawking at me like I'd just spoken in Deerish. “Tabloids? Sharp, what part of eternal night isn’t real to you? I–I have heard her yelling from the keep!” I was pretty sure I saw one of his eyes twitch. "And Sharp, you’ve worked the same desk, in the same office, since you graduated scribe college. How long has it been since you had an adventure? Since you brought anything new to my door except for your latest drama?"
"My drama is entertaining at least!" I slid the bit further towards him, touching the edge of the cider bottle. "You're not going to convince me not to do it."
"I'm not trying to!" He snapped his hoof down on the bit and slid me the bottle. "But I'm not happy about you going and turning evil on me just because your girl had an extra serving." He slung a rag over the back of his neck and sauntered off to tend the other patrons. His cutie mark was a pull tap. Maybe he was cut out to work at a bar for the rest of his life. Maybe a few lifetimes.
I still wasn't sure what mine even meant, a big white X on my ass. At least it wasn't red. If it was red, maybe he'd have a point about me turning evil. But no pony with my mark was going to end up as some evil goon or tortured for eternity. Ponies like me where mundane, simple, untethered. At least I hoped I was untethered. Would be awful to go through all this turmoil only to find out I hate traveling.
There was cider in my mouth without me even paying attention. Nice. I looked at the bar, at the bottle, at my grey forelegs barely keeping me steady in my seat. It really did make all of these plans seem far more better. I'd never have to see her bright gold eyes again. Never have to think about her with the guards, or hear them make a joke about spears and only hear one thing.
Maybe I just needed to move to Ponyville for a while. Celestia's apprentice was doing great, a kingdom heroine. Maybe I could just get a job at one of those tabloids. I could make headlines that were wrong. I threw a couple extra bits on the bar and levitated the bottle beside my head, taking a swig as I limped and swayed myself out of the bar and onto the cobbled streets of Canterlot. The castle looked so much taller this drunk. The points were perfect, scratching up at the sky like a gilded fork reaching up to the bright silvery moon.
I swigged again and threw the bottle into a bush. My walk home was long. I had a lot of time to look at the sky. To think about Keystone. To think about the X on my ass, the silver in the sky, the shimmering light coming down to blanket me in greyscale aurora.
Why was it so blurry, and why couldn't I stop hiccupping? My chest hurt so badly, and all I was doing was looking up. Waiting for her face to come into view, to peck me on the lips from above, but all that met me was the shining silver moon. How could something so lovely be evil? I didn't buy it. She was loud, she was terrifying, her guards had death hanging in their eyes. But they were quiet. She was loud and they were quiet. I wouldn't have to hear them joking, hear them say her name, hear her say theirs.
"Equestria looks pretty big from down there, doesn't it?" A voice called from an unlit lamppost ahead, intoxicating accent floating towards me and sifting through the tears. An amber-haired bat mare was sitting up there, just sitting on a lamp with her pale wings stretched out to help her balance. "It's not as much to handle as it might seem."
"What?" I used my magic to dab my tears with my tie. "What are you talking about?"
"Equestria is a big place, right? It's gotta seem bigger when you're low, like...low to the ground and low in the barrel, you know?" She looked up, watching the moon with me. "I always thought she'd come back one day. Mama had always said Luna would come back, and we could tell because everything would feel so much smaller."
I scoffed. The bats really were mad. "Yes I'm very happy for you. It sounds very nice, but I'm managing my–"
"The way you look at the moon reminds me of when I was waiting." She shimmied, gliding off the lamp and landing next to me with a clip-clop, clop-clip. "You're the stallion who's taking the job in Luna's court, right?"
My chest sunk, a dawning sense of danger kindling in my chest along with heartburn. "Do I know you? I don't want to be rude, but I don't think we've ever met before."
"I'm one of Luna's couriers, Glimmer Dart. I think I saw you get kicked out of the guard barracks for yelling."
I winced. I'd almost managed to drink enough to forget that. It wasn't even a day ago yet. "Yes. That's me. And yes, I am–well, no, I don't know. I've got a million things on my mind, and a million more on my desk. Seals to seal, stamps to stamp."
"Well, I think you should do it." She shrugged, mane swaying. It smelled strongly, a smell like fruit. It made my head swim worse than the cider. I remembered resting in a hayloft after training with Keystone, remembered how she looked at me, how her tail flicked. How she licked my horn one night and I couldn't use my magic for a day.
"That's nice." I said, voice coming out wrong. I'd sounded so sincere, so lost in responding to smell and memory that I forgot to be sarcastic. Really wasn't living up to my name, was I. "I'm still deciding."
"Well, we need the help."
"Well, I'm still deciding."
"Do you want me to show you what I meant?" Glimmer asked, offering me a shaggy fetlocked hoof. "About things looking smaller from up high?"
My mouth felt so dry. Keystone had tried to pick me up once. It was the most embarrassed about myself I'd ever been. She shed a bunch of feathers and I weighed her down so much she couldn't take off. "That's–" I swallowed and said what I thought. "That's kind of you. I don't think you could pick me up."
"I know a good cliff." She snerked. "No, but really, I can glide really well. Besides, you look like you wanna jump off a cliff in the first place. Might as well try the slow version first, right?"
Her words made my cheeks burn. I’d never made those kinds of jokes, and something about them just put me on edge. "That's not funny." This was getting frustrating. I was tired, and my eyes hurt. I didn't even want to think about moving too much lest I throw up.
"It might get your mind off of whatever happened." She flapped her wings a few times.
"Who sent you?" She couldn't be real. She couldn't be genuine. Somepony was trying to manipulate me.
She walked around behind me and nudged me into walking with her. "I heard you crying while I was flying by. I'm supposed to be at work right now but you were looking really bad."
"Oh, well, if you can tell, just tell everypony." I sulked, dizzy, head full of cotton balls soaked in lead. "So I'm Luna's messenger's charity project?"
"You called the guards who threw you, what was it?" Glimmer switched from ponish and spoke in thickly accented Bauty, "Ignorant seed munching birds. Now I've only heard my grandpa say that. So, I figured you spoke Bauty, maybe then it might be nice to repay that interest with kindness."
I'd learned Bauty for Celestia's service. Most of my job was translating letters from ten different languages. "Bauty has the best pegasus insults."
She stretched her wings. "I wonder why. Anyways. Give it a try?"
I followed Glimmer through Canterlot, up to one of the lower terraces of the castle. She dropped off her packages and told me to lay down. I didn't at first. She was talking about mounting me and I wasn't about that. Then she said "Well okay, but you might fall if I don't have a good grip."
She stood over me and tucked her forelegs under mine, scooping me and tipping us both off the terrace cliff and into an immediate glide. I watched my legs trail behind the rest of me, my mane flapping in the wind like a flag. The wind burned my eyes at first but after a deep flap Glimmer adjusted and carried me through the sky above lower Canterlot. I did my fair share of screaming, shouting, praying, begging, but it all left when we passed over Canterlake.
The houses of Ponyville seemed so tiny then, the water casting light everywhere almost more beautifully than daylight. Canterlot too was nothing more than a doll house. Thousands of ponies, bison, deer, bull, all of Equestria captured in a shoebox. I could see the guard barracks, see the hoofbeaten track, and it all seemed so far away for that moment.
Another bat came beside us and chatted with Glimmer about me. Apparently my episode at the barracks and my cross-cultural profanity had garnered more attention than I could have known. I had become the unicorn who spoke Bauty, the desk clerk talking about working for the terrifying Nightmare Moon, the mild mannered pencil floater that was ambling around drunk in Canterlot's royal district still sucking on a bottle. They made it out like my balls dragged on the floor when really they were lodged somewhere in my gut right then.
I had Glimmer and her friends, by the end of our chilly nighttime glide had grown to a hearty five, drop me off at Luna's offices in the castle. I signed the contract that night.
And then two steps out of that office I threw up two bottles of cider and limped home.
She, the big She, Celestia, spoke to me. She came to my office while I was packing up, moving languidly through the halls with her head scanning. "Oh, how tidy. My secretary's quarters are much busier than this." A hint of amusement was heavy in her soft voice. "So, you're Sharp Tongue? You don't look all that acidic."
I bowed. My voice fried in my throat, the noise closer to a grunt or flustered whinny than to anything coherent. I feigned a cough and stood upright, figuring I'd give myself an edge by not strangling myself with my tie by standing on it. Not that I'd done that, but not that I hadn't. "Princess, welcome. I thank you for the compliment. I'm sure Raven is forty times as busy as I am though, her office should reflect that."
Celestia hummed thoughtfully. "I'm sure. Well I was told that Luna had finally found a unicorn to employ. I wasn't surprised when I found out it was you. Your position does require a certain aptitude with language and literacy. And I think a change in scenery might do your mind some good given your...problems." She tried not to sneer, her contempt a frightening thing even if I couldn't tell if it was aimed at me or Keystone.
"Ah, yes. I suppose you would have heard about that as well." I bowed my head. "My apologies--"
"Not at all." Celestia shook her head. "Of course, we always have had problems with the guards...boning each other. Not that palace life is all that exciting, but that's no reason not to keep it in your sheath." Actually, maybe contempt was just her default emotion. She stood there, lost in thought, noble and dignified, like she hadn't just used a phrase I hadn't heard since...well, actually, Tap said it a lot. Then she seemed to recollect herself. "Yes. Anyway. I heard what you said. I thought it was quite funny."
I just stood there neither noble nor dignified. "I--I see. Well, I'm happy I could help. But I take it you didn't come down to comfort me about my romantic issues."
She sighed. "No. I'm afraid we need to discuss the specifics of your job duties."
I felt a chill of anxiety wash over me--except my eyes, which still burned a little from her luminosity. "I'm sorry? I thought Princess Luna's envoy was fairly straightforward. Clerical work--translation mostly. Travel?" I added hopefully.
Celestia grimaced as she levitated a stack of papers from my desk to her. "Something like that. I have apprentices all over Equestria at the moment, researching hippology, sociology, psychology. Their primary duty is to record their own feelings and experiences. Do you know why this work is so important?" She flicked her head and sent shimmers skating through the strands of her mane.
Despite the name, Scribe College is riddled with oral exams. I remember being grilled every week or two on some esoteric subject or another. During those tests, "I don't know" was worse than a blatantly wrong answer. I had a feeling the opposite was true in this case. "No, Your Majesty," I answered with the blandest tone I could muster. "Not at all, Your Majesty."
Celestia sighed and unfolded a piece of paper from her saddle bag. "It's easier to show than tell. Listen to this." She cleared her throat, even that sound somehow musical, and began reading. "'Dear Princess Celestia,
"'I can't decide who to bring to the Gala. My new friends have been so wonderful I'd hate to leave any of them out. I'd rather not attend than--'
"It goes on," she cut off, throwing me from my reverie. As she read, her horn, her mane and then her coat had begun to glow, her voice growing even more soothing, her presence radiating peace. "You see?" she asked me as the glow began to fade. "It's called the color dance. The power of Equestrian royalty is contained in these stories of true emotional fulfillment and kindness." She smiled gently. "Twilight is one of my favorite apprentices. She is bright, she's cunning. She's also surprisingly sweet for such a bookworm. But..." She began to read another note.
"'I can't even begin to apologize for my conduct at the Gala. I fully intended to meet you after the festivities. But I was tied up by other things, and to be honest, Your Majesty, I think my friends and I are closer than ever before! I can't describe how amazing the Gala and the night after were. I think I'm truly beginning to understand what you meant about the power of friendship, and I'm even more grateful now that you were generous enough to let them all accompany me--' ugh.
"I know full well what happened the night of the Gala," she said crisply. "They'd all had enough pony punch. They were sharing a suite. They weren't exactly subtle all stumbling off."
"Your Majesty!" I blurted. Did the princess really talk about her apprentices like this behind their backs?
"Oh, no, none of that." She pawed at the floor, nostrils flaring. "This is important." There was definitely no way I could bolt around her. I gulped.
"Listen to me." Her aggression suddenly dropped. Her voice was seductive and conspiratorial. "It's all part of it, the color dance. And it's rare...these days," she muttered before continuing, "and powerful."
"You want me to write pornography?!" I cut in. "Majesty..."
She shook her head. "My sister is in a sad state after her banishment. I want to get her back on her feet. You could help us." She looked at me with such liquid eyes I almost forgot what we were talking about. I crossed my back legs, glad to be behind my desk. "And--" she added with offended dignity, "It's not pornography. I'm asking you to share your lived experiences. Do you understand?"
"I--"
"Your task is to go out into the world, meet new ponies, have new experiences, and have them deeply. And as you write back to my dear sister, that faded blue and dull horn will shape up into something majestic. Because of you," she breathed, huge lashes fanning like fairy wings.
I was backed against my desk, my heart thumping against my ribs, head dizzy. I fought to recover my dignity. "Surely you can't be serious. Twilight Sparkle is a heroine--a pony of note! What you're asking is...is downright tawdry!"
"Oh? So was getting caught in the mare's barrack with your balls resting on somepony's chin. And what about getting sloppy with a mailmare after vomiting outside of my sister's office?" She sneered. "Not to mention your record in scribes' college. Or your trysts with your filly-friend, what was her name...Keystone, center of attention?"
She had me there. "I didn't know you were so interested in such things." I was straining behind my desk. And yes, maybe I had made it with the batpony from last night. And maybe I remembered all of it. Except for how I got there, and what happened after, but I remembered all the important things: burying my muzzle in her mane as I climaxed, the pinch of her teeth in my neck, the air cooling my head as she lay splayed out underneath me, oozing like a freshly-broken egg yolk on toast. Come to think of it, I was kind of hungry on top of everything else. I realized with a jolt that Celestia was speaking.
"I know, I know. I find the stiffness of my court obnoxious, to be honest. All the public stuff is staged. I mean, I do send apprentices out to harness the power of friendship. But we need more. Do you understand?" She asked, for probably the fourth time. I was starting to suspect she may be getting impatient with me. She pressed on. "I could wait. I have resources. But Luna...there's a reason she hasn't appeared publicly since the Nightmare Moon incident." Her ear flicked. "She needs power...oh, me...yesterday. Tell me you're willing to do this, Sharp. I need you to accept this apprenticeship or--or get out." Her nostrils flared again. Later, when I wasn't so petrified, I could appreciate this glimpse into the mind of a desperate princess.
At the same time, everything clicked. "You mean I'm an apprentice?"
She nodded, a little slow and condescending. "Something like that. You'll take notes on your experiences in the world, and I mean in detail. So if you're shameful, bashful, or if you need--"
"I just--I only feel a little old for this position. Didn't most of your apprentices start out as children?" That had been what I'd heard. Advanced schools, special training, some rumors of indoctrination. Really it all seemed rather silly, as the one time I'd met one of her apprentices it had been while picking up a dress, and she'd been rather...normal, perhaps awkward but hardly some cultist.
"Yes well, that's why your listing is as an envoy. It used to be I'd take both, but with Luna gone I will admit that much of my interest in the more mature aspects of the position have been muted. It's a little hard to read something tawdry with one's sister on the mind. Sort of ruins the mood."
There had been long standing rumors about a lot of the Canterlot elite in that regard. Blue blood was apparently thinner than most, richer some might say but if you sprout a horn on the side of your head I think it's rather telling about the worth of keeping it in the family. "I see. Yes, I suppose if my sister was banished to the moon I'd be a bit preoccupied by friendship and kindness. But then, Luna's only just returned. Is this really the most important thing to be cultivating?"
Celestia walked up to my desk and let her shoulder rest against the edge, letting her mane drape onto my table with one amazingly colorful eye leer at me. "Sailors and exiles tend to have a lot on their mind. To deny any one thing, especially that clawing need is unhealthy. Besides, Luna has apprentices, she has students, and even I'm starting to look for envoys. So, I think it's hardly fair to say it's all she has on her mind. Just something she does."
My throat began to feel dry, my stomach droopy, the rest of me tense. "You monitor your sister's...um, cultivations?"
"In some capacity." She nodded, clearly unbothered by the somewhat incestuous implications. "She had been looking, mentioned you had applied, and I signed off on the transfer. I thought you'd be a good fit. Especially with how fired up you got over Keystone, clearly you care, clearly you can articulate yourself, besides to be honest there aren't too many bachelors that last long in Canterlot. It's a rather..." Celestia leveled her horn at me, looking like a lance pointed at my eye. "It's either dispassionate humping, political marriages, but no matter which surprisingly little romance. But you, you went and did all three at once without even realizing. I think you're a hopeless romantic unafraid to get messy. And that--that is what I need."
The way her lips moved was starting to get distracting as she inched closer to me, looming over my desk, lustrous mane shimmering, smelling like fresh apples and honey butter. Then she had to go and say something about need and I froze up. "I alr-sai-I did--yeah?" I cleared my throat and shook my head to shake out all the fractured thoughts. "Princess you've got me backed against a wall."
"And tongue tied." She bit the tip of her tongue and pulled herself away from my desk. "Now go write about this, I'll have your first assignment transferred from Luna's desks as soon as they're finished drying. Oh, and I'll put you in touch with the mailmare until we can find a better means of transporting your letters."
"Alright. I'll do it. And the letter," I squeaked out, breath caught far forward in my chest. She was looking at me with so much anticipation, one step from biting her lip. Was this our princess? Was this what she was really like? Or was she toying with me? Why would she, why wouldn't she, could I-- I stopped that train of thought early and nodded to her, "I'll get right on that."
"Good." She trotted out daintily, smile wide and eyes closed oh so happily. I dared a thought of thinking of her as a young mare, that same smile, that same walk, but not a giant among ponies. Then about other things, difficulties of height, complications of position. I hobbled behind my desk and tried to pick up my quill, my body so tight and aching in places I hadn't felt ache since my first colthood flirt.
"Oh and Mister Tongue--oh." She stopped when she saw me one hoof above the desk, another below, pen attempting to stab into my ink pot but failing. I was distracted getting things in order, rearranging parts of me far less cumbersome before she'd come in. "Already at it. Perfect. Do remember to CC me on that letter. Make it to Luna, but...think of me when you send it."
My head started spinning and I nearly snapped my quill in half. I struggled to write, the whole time distracted, then too focused for my own good, sure I was leaving a smear or stain without realizing it, subconsciously aware of how easily I'd been played but lost in a sweaty session of writing I was fumbling my way through. By the time I put my quill down I'd spilled a fat dab of ink across the bottom of my page. It seemed fitting for what was about to happen when I got home.
***
'Dear Princess Luna,
I had a meeting with your sister, the lovely Princess Celestia. She had nothing to say but kind things, and spoke highly of your beauty, kindness, and tenderness. She has a presence about her that I can only imagine is only matched by your own. Slender legs capped in precious metals, beautiful flowing mane, preciously intoxicating eyes that demand to be seen. I look forward to furthering our correspondence and perhaps meeting you in person that I might have a chance to see comparable beauty again in my life. I can only imagine the power of your voice, the sweet undertones of your scent, the way you envelop a room and command to be seen. One barely dares to think of you and your sister as less than perfect, but after our talk I have found her supremely approachable, welcoming, demanding of attention and deserving of worship. I am sure that these are qualities shared, and I feel only honor to be writing to you, anticipation of our first meeting still heavy on my mind, demanding my attention, to have my gratitude expressed in every way towards you.'
***
I looked through what I wrote, body aching. I'd lost the plot a little, but my mind was lost between two royal sisters one who had just shown part of her hand and nearly crushed me under her influence, and one who's rumors were yet even stronger and I could only imagine being crushed by.
When Glimmer arrived it wasn't long before she had my letter. We made small talk until she noticed what was dripping on the floor and asked what had happened with a cheeky little laugh. I told her about my position. And then before long we were both in position.
I remembered her saying be quick before I mounted her, there in my office, head hanging out of my window. I made her yelp and coo as I slid my head in, ground my throat along her soft mane, groaned past her ear as bit by aching bit of my cock slid into her, testing, nestling before I bottomed out and rocked her hips forward into the chest at the base of the window.
I shifted my weight into her, planting my hooves over her head and leaned against her back with my belly. Then with a testing hump I took her, felt her tighten up and suck me in, hug me tight and tenderly as I pulled back and just as eagerly clenched around me as I went back in and felt the fat of her flank jiggle against my hip, her back hoof jittering against the floor as she panted under me.
I lost myself in the heat, in the headiness, the smell of her sweat and mane-wash mixing into her smell. I bit the back of her neck when I felt myself peaking and held on, eyes shifting from her mane to the outside world over her head, then snapping back down to the tongue hanging out of her mouth as I leaned further over her, saw her muzzle panting, her pussy trying to hold me in and keep whatever rush was coming at bay for another second, or maybe to pull it out faster.
But when I let go I did so fully. I felt my head flare out and touch her deepest depths, felt the ridge halfway up my cock seal her near the entrance, felt everything tighten, flex, and shoot. Over and over I lost track of how long, how much I was drooling on the back of her neck, how breathy she was, and how much she squealed and yipped from each jerking protracted hump that signaled another injection, another load, another piece of me to her, something to make her remember me, to mark her, to let her know that I did this, I made her feel this way, complete, whole, hole.
Then I zoned back in, cock sliding out of her and a gush of fluid hitting my floor in a series of increasingly watery jolts. Then one other as he back leg started to tremble and I felt her push back on me.
"Luna's--ghost." She panted, looked down between her legs. "I think you made me squirt!"
I kissed her jaw when she turned. Felt like a big man in that moment. Maybe if this was the job I'd like it. I'd do it well. Maybe I was made for this. Or maybe I'd gotten lucky. It was hard to naval gaze too long with her tongue in my mouth and mine in hers. Or when I took her home, and told her about Celestia, and I got to play the taller pony for a change.
***
"Sister, this letter!" Luna stomped over, hovering the letter her newest envoy had sent beside her head. Her face was flushed, her rump flushed, her mane sparkling brighter than ever before, beginning to show traces of those stars once ever-flowing and now even weeks after her return still muted. "You didn't tell me you'd gotten somepony so filthy! This isn't what I was expecting, this isn't--this isn't love, it's--it's, pornography!"
Celestia held up her copy of the same letter, eyes lazy and clearly basking in the content if only mildly. "Oh no, this is a teaser. He kept it very clean considering my visit."
"What!?" Luna charged over, the blue of her fur nearly turning a sharp violet. "What did you do? What did you tell him? These were supposed to be romantic not tawdry."
"You have that poet in training for sappy. What's his name? Sincere Flank?"
Luna balked. "Precious Thinker is barely a stallion! He's just graduated scribe college, and--and--at least he isn't so direct!"
"But did you like it? Which, by the way I thought it was sweet, and I'm the one who made him nearly roll over and beg." Celestia casually drew a circle with her hoof, "He would have too."
"Sister! I've never s--" She stopped, squinting at Celestia, now prostrating herself over a chaise, nearly swooning and batting her eyelashes to make a point. "If this ends anything like last time you're going to have to found two Ponyvilles! These things grow exponentially!"
"Methinks you mean we'll each have to. Because he's currently breeding one of your mailmares. Pretty well if the gossip is to be believed."
Luna's voice went shrill with upset, "Sister! How will such filth help me!?"
Celestia cleared her throat and levitated over a mirror. "Your stars are coming back."
"They are not coming back because of your--smut peddling!"
"I will take that bet." Celestia said, leaning on the edge of her chaise as the mirror retreated to a nearby table. "I will bet you that your mane will start to glisten after each letter he sends you, more so than your other less tested apprentices. If I win, you go on a date with him. If I lose, I'll give you the first crown for the next...oh, hundred years."
Luna squinted. She was sure she would win, very sure. But that bet, the odds were off. Celestia didn't often bluff. If she was right about these letters then the humiliation of dating this smut swilling reprobate might just kill her. But this did come down to self-control. If she could contain herself, even if she saw something in those letter, then she could still win. She could pull these kind of pranks, misdirection, everything on Celestia instead of being on the back hoof.
"Fine! But if you lose, you have to date him as well! Suffer the humiliation of vulgarity!"
"Oh I was thinking about disguises after I heard your mailmare." Celestia stuck her tongue out just as the doors to her chamber opened.
A harried looking mare with white fur and a brown mane scrambled in, her secretary Raven. "Princess--oh, apologies, but this is urgent! Twilight Sparkle has reported that someone has damaged Ponyville's water tower!" She scratched her chin, "As well she's sent letters saying she'd fended off an Ursa Minor attack, but I don't know if they're connected. Ostensibly."
Celestia straightened up, "Raven, can I ask you something? Do you read--or look at, pornography."
Raven froze, slowly backing out of the room, "Princess, that's a very strange question."
"You'd be settling a question I have. And I'd appreciate an honest answer."
Raven froze, "Um. I--occasionally look at stallions on...stallions. The--the bits always, there's just so much of it."
Celestia nodded, covering her mouth with a hoof. "Go on."
Luna stamped her hoof, "No! I see what you're getting at Celestia! Yes it's not as deviant, and you!" She whirled towards Raven and her voice boomed into the traditional volume of proclamation. "A simple yes would have sufficed!"
Raven backed out of the room.
Celestia's wings flapped as she settled herself back into a cozy recline. "I should have known. She stares at the guards sometimes. I don't think she even notices." She stood up, shaking herself out. "Well, it sounds like there's a water tower to fix. Would you mind? I'm expecting a letter from Twilight shortly, she's rather prompt. Message to Canterlot about damages, then one about the situation and her victory, then one to me personally on thinly veiled sexual tension with her friends."
"You're ill!" Luna shouted at her sister.
"I have a fever I'm afraid. You're correct."
"Yes I'll fix the water tower!" Luna shouted once more, stomping her way out of the parlor and scaring the guards on her way out. She needed the cold air to clear her head.
Celestia ambled off to her sitting room, planning to call Raven back for some personal time while she read through the pair of letters, basking in the pure emotional fulfillment of it all, and of Raven.