Chapter 2

This. Is not my roof.

It felt like I was intentionally pressed to fit in the palm of someone's hand. I dunno if you have ever had the wind knocked out of you, but the best way to describe it would be manual breathing, but someone is sitting on you while you have to kickstart back into auto breathing. The unfortunate part about all of this, was I couldn’t move until I remembered to inhale then exhale. Which made even moving a constant battle for life support.

There was a slight breeze, which in itself, carried the smell of crisp apples, surprisingly enough; cake batter, and vegetables. It actually smelled like I was in Grammie's house, and she was cooking me some dinner. But it was the noise that turned my hopes around. Several voices, combined with multiple shouts of shop owners' goods, spiked my curiosity even more.

“Fresh Carrots!”

Oooooooohhh…. Now I'm hungry. C’mon, wake up ya lazy bastard.

Such a small task equaled to be quite a challenge, eliciting a horrid groan and a flare of pain everywhere. But pissing off midway of trying to sit up, was not about to happen.

It hurt, yes, but I could tell I was done when I couldn't lean forward anymore. Now all that was required of my lazy self, was to ‘look’ around. I started slow, pushing down the desire to curl back into a ball and start screaming at how bright everything was. But I needed to find out just what the fuck was going on.

Last I remembered, and take note I was groaning while remembering this, were the Ponies that invaded my house. I remember the fact that they were about to leave and then… Nothing. My mind is blank after that.

Well shit, guess I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Now that the damn sun glare had worn off, I could finally see everything. Not to mention, ‘move around’. I coughed slowly, taking in the view around me with a growing sense of shock.

What? See how you feel if you wake up on top of a house. I wasn't on a porch, nor was I in a room, or at least inside the house. I was simply stuck on top of a roof, wedged in between the shingles and the top of a chimney. I was bent over the fuckin thing like I was a horseshoe.

That's probably the reason I couldn't move.

The view was immaculate though. I think based offa what I could see, this was the back of the house, so I was staring at a stretching road that led to what I could see as an Applefarm. I could almost just make out what I assumed to be a carriage coming into town filled to the brim with apples. At least the birds chirped, and the clouds lazily moved along the blue sky, it was a painting waiting to happen honestly.

Blinking, I stood carefully. I didn't want to become a pancake so early in the morning, so yeah, no falling. Once my legs couldn't bend upwards any further, I shakily worked my arms loose from their loss of blood. It was bad enough my foot had the needle sensation when your blood rushes in too fast.

Thankfully, the red shingled rooftop held my weight, and as I looked around more, I realized I couldn't put my tongue on where I was exactly. At least I wasn't sore anymore.

It was a town. Or maybe a village at that, I surmised a village being the better option because normally towns don't have people screaming at you to buy their shit. That's what the signs are for.

I made sure that each step I took was precise, lest I slip. I had to see more than just this rooftop. And judging from where the sound was coming from, I just had to climb a little bit further up the ceramic. Easier said than done if not for the fact I was missing one of my shoes.

Once I reached the top I was practically panting from the amount of effort it took. I wiped my hands on my jeans which were regrettably torn at this point and heaved a sigh, flopping on the slanted rooftop I slid down so that my knees pointed to the sky. Thankfully it wasn’t too late as the sun wasn’t beating my shit in when I started laughing at the situation I’d gotten myself into. When I was done regretting my life's decisions, I took my time in turning around to get a better view

And that's when I saw them.

Two words, my retinas. Six words, movie phrase; I’m not in Kansas anymore.

Far from it.

And it is six words by the way, ’I am’. It counts.

Ponies. Just so many Ponies. Ponies literally everywhere. They were chatting peacefully under cafés, some were flying in between clouds. Hell I think I saw one with headphones walk into the center square and walk out bobbing its head to some kind of beat.

Was this like a messed up Zootopia? I mean god, if you exist you are liable to take the wheel now. I figured that the building I was on was actually another food point, and that the square had everything food related to it. It was either that or perhaps the town center. Although the building I was on wasn’t necessarily the highest point it seemed, I could make out a large tree off to the right and to the left there were various other housing units.

I stood, my mouth slowly hinging and unhinging from the lo and behold moments that occurred every two seconds. Now and then, I'd spot a new pony, I'd focus on that singular creature and slap myself silly because half the time, that same pony did things normally I would do.

It was legitimately a thriving town but not a single human in sight. Just animals. Which is a baffling whimsical fantasy you’d see inna movie or watch through a show. At the moment lest it be a nightmare, I was seemingly put in a fantasy world.

But as fast as the thought came it immediately went out the window as I started nitpicking everything. I could, could being a very key word, get used to seeing them. But I can't seem to figure out how they weren't a dull color. Like brown or grey. I mean its the usual color for horses, amirite? Because seeing a fuckin’ - bright green unicorn talking to another bright salmon pegasus?

I actually triple pump faked myself into believing I had glasses that needed to be cleaned.

“TURNIPS!! GET YOUR TURNIPS RIGHT HERE!”

Eww, hate those things… I leaned forward, spotting a street vendor not so far below. He had a few ponies lined up for his stock, each of them reaching into their… Purses… Wait, wouldn't it technically be a saddlebag then?

Well, they reached into their saddlebags and pulled out circular yellow - was that gold?

I immediately got to my hands and knees, watching in agape shock as, yes indeed, these ponies made gold appear and disappear just as quickly. Was that their currency?

Man, I need to get in on this, maybe sell it to the highest bidder when I… get back.

My mind over clocked, I was in a land filled with ponies, unicorns and pegasi ... Weren't those six I saw earlier just like the ones I'm seeing now? Twilight, that… Purple horned menace - Said she fucked up a spell of sorts. That's right, the white sphere and the tendrils!

I clutched my chest, a slight breeze trickling past me again. This time, I noticed something off, looking down, I could see a hole the size of a dollar. It cut into my shirt and came out through the back. Great, my only good button-up, ruined.

Memory flashes later and I remember the spell she cast went wrong it seems, again. But it didn't just affect the six, I got caught in it too. I sat down on my rump and blinked a few sets of times, trying my hardest and failing to see how this was even remotely possible. It just didn't make a lick of sense.

Then again, the fact that I held a suitable conversation with not one but five other equines doesn’t exactly sound like something a sane person would say to another sane person. It would just be sane people stuff.

Dammit. I sighed through clenched teeth, the hiss relieving some stress and worry. I ran a hand through my hair and shifted my weight where I sat so the shingles didn’t dig into my rear so harshly. Before I could boil any further, My hand instinctively reached into my pockets, fishing out my pack of smokes. While putting one up for a flame, my other hand fished out the lighter.

Next thing I know, I'm calmer and smoking on top of a roof that I didn't own, inside of a land filled with equines. Funny how life works.

I guess you could say I was blowing off some steam.

Nevermind.

After taking a drag, I held it in and took another glance around, seeing as I had another goal to beat. Getting the hell off this roof.

Both sides had a pretty steep drop, one being onto the turnip guy's linen sheet tarp, and the other onto the cold ass street. Standing, I carefully made my way back to one side of the roof, mindful of not letting myself be seen.

When I made it to the side with the straight plummet, I glanced down and decided that this way wasn't going to go right if I didn't know what I was doing.

Basically, the straight plummet included clotheslines, a few open windows, and of course, the lovely street. Now, my mind wanted to be a badass and jump off the house, and arch myself into one of the open windows - But I quickly slapped myself and reminded the good old mind that I was a shitty climber and that would only result in me gracefully breaking my spine.

Another Drag.

Maybe I could catch myself on the clothesline? But wait, that only works in cartoons.

Heh… Cartoons...

This would work every other way if the building was surrounded by even more buildings. Or if there was at least a second floor to go off of. But alas with the quickest of reminders from expecting what I now deem as Equine Architects, to be the brains of designing such platforms, it was a straight drop down.

Whoever made this building I despise with the force of a thousand suns.

So with nothing to do but jump on one side, I turned on my heel and made my way back up to the top to see if I could do anything better.

Quite frankly, this side looked fairly better, and that's what scared me. It was that I had only this side to go down, and it included me introducing myself to about - Oh I don't know… Every single pony?

I crossed my arms and sighed, smoke billowing out, floating away into the clouds. So it was either down this way, or jumping off the building…

I put out the cigarette with my foot, (My one shoed self), glancing around like someone was watching me and shook my head,

“I must be going crazy…”

Know one thing, I believe I mentioned once or twice that I was a terrible climber. Well, that and I have a tendency to make dramatic entrances. If you put two and two together, you'll understand where I’m going with this.

Now, buildings, as a whole, have one thing most landscapers hate having to clean out. If you're having a hard time guessing, the answer is Rain Gutters. Well, I was lucky to find one that draped down the side of the building and into the square.

All I had to do was slide down it. Simple.

Yeah no.

This particular rain gutter was unfortunately metal (as most are pvc, aluminum etc), combined with sweat and the indecencies of the day time, and you get the most foul sound possible.

So one question for you, have you ever slid down a metal slide and heard that, really long, continuous and quite frankly, annoying squeak? Well then you feel my pain.

See, I got to the gutter and fastened myself so that I would be able to grip it, basically, so I wouldn't fall off. What followed, me hugging a pole for dear life as I slid down ever so gracefully, an eerie loud squeak placating the populace's earlobes.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to get down without attracting attention.

At first, one pony glanced my way, his ears swiveling inward to try to block out the noise. He would've done so, if he hadn't noticed me first. Humorously, his mouth dropped open in shock and he wasn't watching where his hoofing was taking him. Said stallion messed up big time and bumped into another pony, the both of them tumbling onto the asphalt.

And pretty much, from there, it turned into your typical, ‘What the, hey… Look at that!’. It didn't take long practically for the whole street to notice me. Not to mention, the whole time, a red alert alarm kept going off in my mind, the whole consensus of my braincells screaming at me for being such an idiot for even thinking this was a good idea.

The braincells quieted down when I reminded them that it was either this or break both feet, legs, ankles, femurs, ass bones; the whole spiel.

When my feet touched the ground, I shook my arms loose, looking around with a raised brow. I was definitely the crowd's attention at the moment. When I had been rid of any dust on my shirt, I reached for another cigarette. At this rate I'll run out. Popping it in, I raised my voice,

“The fuck y'all looking at?”

Either it was the way I presented it, or because it was sudden, but most of the ponies around shook their heads and went back to their business. The phrase I heard repeated more than once was, “Minotaurs…”

Damn. That's pretty bad actually. I've seen what Minotaurs kinda look like in mythology. Mean bunch of bastards… ugly as all get out too.

Once I had been sure they, the ponies, weren't looking, I lit myself and walked into the square. One small step without my shoe, one giant mindfuck figuring out what the hell was going on.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and trudged briskly through the crowd, casting my eyes around for anything that could give me a clue of where I was, or where I should go. I locked gazes with several of this town's residents and had to tear my thoughts away from how social bound these ponies actually were.

Because I was pretty sure I saw a - What are they called - Foals? Yeah, I saw a foal on the back of another stallion.

Heh… Horseback rides.

Regardless, I also saw a few other things that stood out indefinitely, like one of those pegasus things pushing a cloud underneath a tree, and then taking that same cloud and laying on top of it.

My mind? Blown. I actually want one now.

Though the structural thing that stood out the most other than the Large Tree, the Clocktower, or the Barn I saw earlier was a literal Gingerbread looking house. It looked so good that I could just EAT IT!

My stomach gargled at the thought like it were the one getting ready for a meal. It would definitely look weird if I ‘om non nom’d’ a building the town residents visit frequently so I dissuaded myself from doing so.

Again, I wanted to Hansel and Gretel my way over there, but stopped. I had been so focused on my hunger pains, that I completely missed a few key elements.

For one, and as stated before, I was oh most definitely hungry. Another was them. The them. Like, the ones who may have, may not have gotten me into this catastrophe.

The pink one, yellow one, Skittles, Twilight, the nice white one and that cowboy lookin one. All sitting together chatting. I took a seriously long drag, my anger rising and falling dramatically. There those fuckers were, and here I was. And not only did they look rather calm, they were all sipping on tea.

The Nerve.

I folded my arms and looked through the glass again. How was I going to approach them this time? Take one of the ponies staring at my back and chuck them through the window? No… Too weak to do that.

Hmm...

Fuck it.

I cracked my neck and made my way to the Gingerbread door. Pushing on it, I shifted the cigarette to the side, my eye narrowing in on the ponies as the door rang an all too familiar bell.

“Ooh! Hurry up! We have another customer!”

As the doors swung shut, I breathed out, billowing some smoke into the room. The sound of clopping was distinct, and sooner rather than later, a strange stallion appeared at the counter.

He wore a square hat, with similar clothes to that of one who actually bakes. The only strange thing that set him off from others, was his strong lower jaw. And the fact that he was yellow. He wore one of those vests you’d see in an acopella group. The old timey ones with the pinstripes.

He came out smiling, “Howdy! What can… I get for you… sir?”

His smile faded rapidly upon seeing me. Figures. Regardless, I held his attention, and the attention of the six ponies who turned my world upside down. So I smiled, taking the rest of my cigarette in a quick puff,

“You sell soda here?” I asked, looking the stallion up and down. His response was almost as if I set a factory reboot on him,

“If you be talkin’ about these here fizzy drinks, we do! Got a whole buncha flavors fer’ ya too iffin ya want ‘em” He showed me what looked to be a fountain soda machine, which looked like the typical machine you’d find in a fast food joint, had the pictures of different sodas to choose from.

I nodded and gestured to what I assumed was a solid flavor choice, “Cherry. Please. These ladies,” I jutted my thumb towards the slack jawed mares, “Can cover the cost no doubt.”

The baker blinked, “Uh… Okay… Cherry Soda. HONEY!!” I watched in grim satisfaction as he took off in a gallop.

With him out of the picture, I turned to look for a chair. Finding one easily, I took that sucker and painstakingly dragged it across the floor for dramatic effect. After trying my hardest to get comfy by scooting back and forth, I coughed, causing more smoke to flow out.

Now done, I took the cigarette and put it out on the table, stuffing the rest in my side pocket. After, I sniffed, leaning back in the chair while looking around the establishment.

Each of them held varying levels of shock except for Skittles, who in all truths, looked ready to bite my head off. Yeah well suck it. My turn to be an asshole. Actually… When am l not?

“So,” I said suddenly as one of them started to speak, “You girls best start explaining.” When they all blinked I continued, “You,” I said turning to Twilight, “Seems like you know what happened.”

Twilight opened her mouth and closed it just as quickly. But before she could try again I stopped her,

“I swear to god, if you say you fucked up your magic spell, there will be hell to pay.” She said nothing, and her silence was very disheartening.

“Hey! Who're you to think you can come in here and make a scene?” I take it Skittles doesn't like me raising the tables. She was pointing a hoof at me, to which I shrugged,

“I'm just trying to get answers. No reason to yell.”

“But y-”

I crossed my arms, “Besides, I wasn't talking to you. Was I Skittles?”

She stuttered, “No bu-”

“Then shut it. Can't you see Twilight and I are having a very intelligent conversation?”

Twilight chuckled nervously, “Uh… Heh…”

I laughed, “See!” As the group looked amongst each other I shook my head, “You six would not beLIEVE the morning I’ve had. Woke up on a roof, saw you six and I just had to say hi.”

I gestured outside, “Oh but the ponies were nice, staring at me like I was a worn out fashion. I don't blame them either.” I licked my lips, locking eyes with Twilight, “There’s one thing I don’t get though, and that's how not only did you say you messed up once, but then you go ahead and do it again.” I offered my arms out in a display, laughing aloud,

“My luck that now I’m here with ya’ll again.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth, “Wouldn’t call it luck.”

My eye twitched, “Y’know you got a lot to say for someone within chin checking distance.”

When the room grew silent, I looked about the table again, “Look, to be completely honest, I can tell that I really don't belong here. And if I stay, I can tell you truthfully, that Skittles and I will be at each other's throats within three days.”

“Two because of your damn attitude.” She commented snidely.

I rolled my eyes, a groan escaping my mouth, “Fuck. Off.” I turned to the unicorn across the table, “I need to go back. I know we just met and all and yes, this has been a delightful time of… Wherever the hell I am. Do your fancy magic stuff or whatever.”

Twilight twiddled her hooves and bit her muzzle. I watched with eyes of stone as she began,

“Alright… You want to go back?”

“Thought I made it obvious.”

“Well. Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?”

I pursed my lips, “I would prefer the good news first.”

Twilight sighed and said with eyes of regret,

“The good news is, I Welcome you to Ponyville, Equestria.”

I blinked, “The… Bad news?”

Twilight said slowly, “Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria. You’re… Staying here for a while.”

Author's Note

Hello once again. There should be another chapter shortly after this one. Spacing them out evenly just for a lil' yknow, reading pleasure. Buildup. Suspense. I'll see ya'll at the bottom of the next chapter!

-Doood