That New Magic: The Origin of Loveby HopeChaptersCh.1 - Raw crystalCh.2 CuttingCh.3 PolishingCh.4 SettingCh.1 - Raw crystalI never wanted to be an object of admiration. I just wanted to be another face in the herd. There was nothing more important to me, when I was in my teens, than fitting in. It seemed to be so easy for some ponies, with no stress or panic in their voice when they talked, and no fear in their eyes. But for me, school was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. One thing that most ponies take for granted is that clothes are an optional adornment to our world, a lovely thing that we can don when desired but that are no more necessary than a hat. I never went without a loose skirt, not a single day. My mother tried to insist that I leave my shame and frustration aside and just be whatever I am, but I was singularly unique, and in school it did not serve to be unique. “Cadance!” I flinched, and turned to look at the stallion calling my name. Shining Armor, one of many well meaning ponies that had tried to pull me into a social group that I couldn’t belong to. Not without risk. “What do you need, Shining?” I asked. The voice training was working, at least. I could force my voice to behave, and track the breathy intonations of each word required to remind the world of the play that I was putting on. It was ‘waht’ with an exhale, and not ‘whut’ with a sharp T. It was ‘Shy-neng’ with an upturned note at the end, not ‘Shine-ing’ with a downturn. I could almost feel normal if I broke it all down into pieces. “I was wondering if you wanted an excuse to skip Mark’s-day. I have a doctor’s appointment that day, and if you were there for emotional support…” He trailed off with a lack of confidence in his voice and bearing, his head low and smile crooked. The jocks might make fun of him for it all, for his lack of strength, but they’d never truly doubt his place in the world. Not like me. I was not allowed to contain such flaws, or I’d be ripped apart. “Why… would I want to skip Mark’s-day?” I finally sighed. It had to be some kind of ploy to spend time with me, as he’d invited me to no less than four different O&O games, and to his birthday party. Who even had birthday parties at sixteen, anyway? Well, more accurately, who invited random losers to them? Shining Armor, the biggest sucker in Canterlot. He hesitated, clearly not expecting the question, but after a bit he stepped uncomfortably close to whisper his reply. “Well, because you’re a late-bloomer, right? You don’t have a mark yet?” I couldn’t stop the laugh before it left my mouth, and I covered up the harsh unbecoming noise with my hoof and a fake cough, though I was still smiling. “Shining, I have a cutie mark,” I finally admitted, putting my hoof down. “Oh! Sorry, I thought because you always dressed up…” he blushed heavily, and for a moment I genuinely felt bad for him. He was trying to help. He’d offered me a way out of something that most ponies wouldn’t have even thought of bothering me, even if his guess was wrong. “Shining… I dress up because… I don’t look right, under all this,” I said vaguely as I gestured at my button up blouse and flowing white skirt. “Okay? I just… don’t want ponies staring at me.” “So I shouldn’t stare at you because I think you’re beautiful?” he asked, confused. It was my turn to blush, as I cleared my throat. “I just told you that I’m a freak, Shining Armor,” I said firmly. “I don’t think you understand what I mean, or you wouldn’t say that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. “Cadance, I… I don’t know what you look like, under your clothes, but I don’t think you should call yourself a freak. Do you prefer Handsome?” I snorted, but I couldn’t talk, the tightness in my throat threatening to let spill the darker side of my voice, as I turned away shook my head. He tried to apologize, as I left, but he shouldn’t have. It was the first crack in a wall that had to come down, for me to survive. Almost a year later, I finally responded to his invite, and went to his birthday party. I remember exactly what I wore. I was trying out shorts and pants at the time, really pushing the mold but also trying tighter fitting clothes that could let me feel more secure about running or moving around quickly without a skirt blowing up. The jogging shorts and t-shirt combination looked good, and it was another step towards being comfortable flying around other ponies. But flying in public was for another day. That day, I was just attending a birthday party for a nerd. I arrived at Shining’s parent’s house half an hour early. Everything in the house was draped in white ribbons and blue stars, and I paused at the front gate to watch through the window. He was laughing as he held his little sister up above his head in his magic, so she could pin another blue star to the wall. He looked… genuine. He didn’t look like he was just pretending to be a good brother, or pretending to be nice for the sake of some reward. He was as genuine as I’d ever seen, and I think that’s when I started to fall in love with him. Love was a painful topic for me, back then. My full name is, when translated from the language of the Italioats, ‘I love cadence.’ The rhythm, the beat of life. I was supposed to be a representation of love for the passage of time. For the patterns of life. But I didn't. I called myself Cadance instead, because I wanted to live for myself, to dance, not just count the time passing. But looking at Shining Armor through the bay windows, I saw somepony that seemed to be happy with the passage of time. He wasn't fighting it, bitter and conflicted like I was. I knocked on the door, of course, and they opened it quickly. “Cadance!” Shining said, freezing as though he’d stepped in glue. “You came!” “Cadance!” his sister echoed, smiling up at me. “Yes, I’m Cadance,” I agreed as I dared to smile a little bit, even though I felt it made me look more masculine than I wanted. “What’s your name?” “Twilight Sparkle,” she said, standing tall and holding out a hoof. “It’s a please-sure to meet your ack-waintance.” “And a pleasure to meet yours as well,” I chuckled as I shook her hoof. “May I come in?” “Yes!” Twilight galloped back into the house as I walked past Shining Armor, who still seemed a bit stunned. “Sorry I’m early,” I offered. “No, no, please don’t apologize,” he insisted. “I just… I didn’t think you’d come! I thought for sure I ruined any chance at being friends with uh… the whole blank-flank thing!” I sighed, smiling still a little as I sat and fluffed my wings. “Shining Armor, I think we could be friends,” I admitted. “If your sister allows it.” “Yes!” Twilight shouted from the kitchen. “No eavesdropping, Twilight!” Shining whined as his sister giggled and ran to another room. For a moment, as he smiled and his shoulders relaxed, I wanted to ask him why I wasn’t a freak. I wanted to open up his mind and figure out what made him care so genuinely about so many other things, but not what was under my clothes. I wanted to interrogate him, find a truth spell and figure out what he really thought. But that moment of selfish insecurity faded and I took a breath. “So, how can I help set up?” It seemed most of the party was ready to go. Shining Armor’s father was home, though he was quite busy organizing his study, but he did introduce himself and made sure to point out that there was no alcohol or drugs at this birthday party, turning Shining an amusing shade of red. But in its innocence, the party excelled. Packs of soda opened up on the living room table, chips and dip on the counter, and pizza was on order to be delivered soon. But what caught my eye was the setup in the living room. A diorama, or perhaps a game board about two ponies long by four ponies wide, made out of carved wood and folded paper. It looked like a cave system, with delicate rocky ledges and wood beams made of popsicle sticks holding up an invisible roof, little flashlights in strategic spots lit it in dramatic angles. I walked over to examine it, which seemed to cause a bit of a panic in Shining. “Oh, that’s… My friends wanted to play a session, you don’t have to… We can play any time,” Shining stammered. “Do you not want me to play?” I asked softly, turning to look him in the eyes. He froze again. He seemed to have a habit of doing that. I wondered if it was because I was just as tall as him, if I scared him, if I was too intense. “I… would… like you to play if it wouldn’t be annoying to you?” he proposed in a nervous pitch that I thought my voice coach would call ‘shrill.’ “I want to play,” I decided. “Okay,” he breathed, soft and reverent. “Then we need to make a character. Quick, before the others get here, otherwise I’ll be distracted.” Ch.2 CuttingHe got out a sheet of paper, and sat me down, placing a pencil down that I picked up in my feathers. “So, first thing to pick–” “The name,” I pointed at the sheet. “Well… That’s first on the sheet,” he admitted. “But that’s not the first thing to pick. If you pick your class, that is… what your character is good at, everything else can start to flow from that.” I blinked a few times, waiting for him to explain, but he just stared at me. It made me a little bit uncomfortable, of course, but he wasn’t staring at me in the disgusted or grim way I feared, so at least it wasn’t too bad. “Okay, and what are the classes?” I finally asked. “Right! Right, sorry.” He flipped open a book and took a deep breath. “Barbarian, Bard, Cleric, Dark one, Druid, Fighter–” “Okay, hold on, don’t all of them fight?” I asked, tilting my head to look at the list. “So why is one just ‘fighter’?” “That class is more of… all purpose,” he said. “A class for characters who are focused on direct combat. A Cleric heals, a Barbarian fights using rage, a Druid or Wizard would use magic…” I looked at the list, and I looked at him. “How do you know which one to play?” “Well, it’s up to you,” he said with a gentle smile. “It’s not… Like, Pocket, he plays a barbarian. I’ve never seen the guy get angry in his life, but he plays this raging barbarian. You can play anything you want.” I looked back at the list. Why did this scare me? It was so simple. Just pick one to blend in. Just to play the game. “What does a Dark One do?” I asked, despite myself. “Well, they get their magic from a pact with a creature of great power,” he explained, as though it was just a math problem. “Like… something from beyond the stars, or from the depths of the ocean, or a devil.” “What about a lost kingdom?” I asked quietly, my voice cracking just a little bit as my heart rate picked up. “What if I was a Dark One who was… had a pact with a lost kingdom that I have to be the champion of, until it returns?” “That. Sounds. Awesome,” he whispered with wide eyes. I wrote it down, silently cursing myself at the time. I didn’t need to be bringing my family’s past into this. I didn’t need to expose the wound left by years of my mother insisting that I was the last salvation of an empire long dead and gone. I didn’t need to create an analogue to the noble warrior my dad had seen in his only ‘son.’ We crafted a character for me. Diamond Flight, a Dark One of the Gem Kingdom, a pegasus like myself. “Shining! I– woah.” The unicorn colt at the door, who had come in without knocking, was a colt I'd seen around school a few times, orange with a white nose and legs. “Gaffer, I know it's short notice, but Cadance made a character and everything, pleeeaaase?” Shining begged him. For some reason I'd thought that Shining was in charge of his little group of friends, but now I was starting to reconsider that. Gaffer lit his horn and carefully took the papers, reading it over silently while Shining sat next to me. Oddly, this was familiar to me, being silently judged. Having to wait as someone decided if I’d failed or not. But Gaffer let his feelings show, under his pretense of judgment. He was smiling a little bit, and nodded briefly. It wasn’t even stressful to me, he was so obvious. “I suppose we can have a fourth,” he finally announced. Shining cheered and punched the air. “Yes! Thank you, Gaffer!” “Relaaaax,” Gaffer said, settling in on a cushion on the other side of the cave system diorama from the majority of the seating. “It’s your birthday. Every guest should feel welcome to such a grand party!” I sat, and watched the banter between them. Clearly, Shining Armor looked up to Gaffer but Gaffer respected him and as the rest of their friends arrived I could see that Shining was their leader in a different way. The charismatic center of their group. “Time to dive in, no more mortal names,” Gaffer said dramatically as Shining passed us each a plate of pizza. “I am the King of Ravens. A mysterious alicorn that guides the mission that this group of ponies has embarked upon!” He gestured to Pocket Protector, an earth pony colt with a silvery coat and vivid black and white mane. Pocket swallowed the pizza he’d already started eating, and cleared his throat to put on a strange high pitched whining voice, only to bark out a single word. “Smash!” “Smash the barbarian, a pegasus fueled by his rage, seeking to avenge the slaughter of his tribe,” Gaffer intoned, serious despite the comical tone of Pocket’s character. Then Gaffer gestured to 8-bit, a brown pegasus with a shock of barely tamed pale blue mane, who sat up proudly. “Startwist the Bearded,” the beardless colt said firmly in a cultured voice. “A unicorn stallion, whose life work was stolen by that dastardly Starswirl! He even copied my beard! So I am seeking to make my own legacy outshine him.” I chuckled softly, grinning at the idea of a Starswirl imposter who was trying to outshine the original. But then Gaffer pointed to me. “Ah, I’m Diamond Flight,” I said proudly, glancing down at my character sheet. “A pegasus mare, who is sworn to protect an ancient kingdom that has been lost. So I seek to become strong enough to rediscover the lost kingdom I call home.” Gaffer beamed in approval, and the boys all tapped their hooves in applause. It was new, exciting, and they didn’t question it. “And finally, the cleric who heals their every wound, and guides the group to victory,” Gaffer said, as he gestured to Shining. “I am Winston the Wise,” Shining said, putting a hoof to his heart and bowing his head. “I am a cleric of the Sun, bringing Celestia’s light to even the darkest caverns.” Cute. For some reason I found his character cute. A healer, a priest, and all of it focused around Celestia. I wanted to ask why exactly Celestia existed in this fictional world we were playing in, but I had a feeling it wasn’t my turn to talk. “So, this late evening as our trio makes their way through the Fenngroves of Eramdas, they hear the sounds of fighting, through the trees,” Gaffer said, pulling out a piece of cardboard that had grass printed onto it, placing a pink stone on it, and then a few small figurines of timberwolves around it. “Near the entrance to the Eramdas caves, a scene of pitched combat, a singular pegasus backed against the hillside with a pack of timberwolves closing in. Diamond Flight, what weapons do you use to defend yourself?” Gaffer asked me, his tone intense and urgent. I liked his storytelling prowess. It was far better than the way my mother recited dry facts and figures from history. It reminded me a bit of my father’s way of entrancing me with history, when he’d still been alive. “Well, since Timberwolves are likely vulnerable to fire,” I pondered aloud. “You might know that, but does Diamond?” Gaffer challenged. “How many points did you put into Knowledge Nature?” I distinctly remembered, as I created my character, imagining that she’d spend a lot of time out in nature hunting for the Crystal Empire, I mean ‘Gem Kingdom’ since her parents didn’t chain her down like a precious jewel waiting for someone else to do the hard work. But I checked my sheet. “Four points…” Shining pointed quickly to the total column, instead of the ranks column. “Ah, six total.” “Then go ahead and roll a d20, that’s one of these, to see how much information you know about this particular monster,” Gaffer said, his smile an approving one. Even though I was new to this, he was excited for me to play, it seemed. I rolled the die. “Thirteen,” I said before adding my skill total. “Oh, nineteen.” “Nineteen, very good. Our lonesome adventurer might be far afield, but she knows the threats she faces,” Gaffer nodded. “Diamond Flight, you know that Timberwolves will regenerate and combine to preserve half of their health no matter what, unless they are damaged using magic or fire. Fire does twice as much damage as normal.” I nodded as I thought, looking at the cluster of five around Diamond on the small green map. “Then I’ll be defending myself using Eldritch Blast, rather than my bo staff,” I declared. “Focusing on dissuading them before taking flight to avoid their claws. Once I’d pointed out I could fly, the drama of the situation seemed a bit lessened, but Gaffer still kept it up. “The unknown pegasus blasts the Timberwolves with energy drawn from the air around her, as the trio come into range to possibly help,” Gaffer restated. “Everyone roll initiative.” The combat was brief, with Smash’s magical hammer obliterating the enemy one by one, and Startwist tossing small fiery projectiles at them. Once it was done, and combat was declared over by Gaffer, it seemed only natural that the group approached Diamond to introduce themselves. “Some fine spellcraft on display, madam,” 8-bit said dramatically. “Winston gently pushes Startwist aside,” Shining said, rolling his eyes. “Are you injured, stranger? I’m a healer, and take no charge for my services.” “Only slightly,” I shrugged. “Hardly worth the effort, I think it’ll heal on its own. More importantly, what are you three doing out here?” “Ah, our newcomer is suspicious that the trio might be in search of the same thing she is,” Gaffer commented, nodding in approval. “A wise assumption.” “Moneh!” Pocket shrieked, making 8-bit wince next to him. “Startwist gently bops Smash on the head with his staff,” 8-bit said quickly. “Eh! It’s true! Shinies in caves, taken by nasty cultists, we take back, get money!” Pocket pouted. “Yes, it’s true, but did you think she might be one of those cultists,” 8-bit scowled at him. I blinked at that, and looked to Gaffer. “Those cultists, in fact, are the ponies you’ve been hunting, suspecting that they are responsible for your plight,” Gaffer said, quieter than most of his declarations but still loud enough for everyone to hear. I huffed, sitting up tall. “Far from it, fine strangers! I am seeking to put those same ponies out of their misery, for a wrong they’ve done to me. If you hadn’t come along I would have gone into the caves myself!” “Then it’s fortunate we’ve come across you,” Shining said, his voice gentle as he bowed his head. “We have information and maps which could aid you in your mission. Perhaps we could even see this done together. Hooves working in concert are often more effective than those alone.” So Diamond Flight joined their crew, which I later learned had taken to calling itself ‘the Local Favorites’ so that they could tell ponies on their travels that they were the ‘local favorites of Canterlot’ and give the impression that anyone actually knew who they were. After breaching the defenses of the cave system, and making our way deeper beneath the earth than my adventurer character had ever gone, much less myself, the Local Favorites found time to recover in a hidden cave. “Aaaand one more cure light, total is… oof, seven healing to Smash,” Shining groaned. “Only down by one, I’m fine,” Pocket shrugged before putting on his shrill voice. “So, newbie! Where’s your magic from!” “You don’t just ask a spellcaster where their magic comes from,” 8-bit sighed dramatically. “It’s uncouth at best, and discriminatory towards Necromancers at the worst!” “What’s a necromancer?” I asked Shining. “A mage that raises the dead as zombies or skeletons, mostly,” he replied quietly. I smirked and looked back at 8-bit. “Ah yes, what a terrible shame if we were to discriminate towards necromancers, hm?” 8-bit stuck his nose in the air, and put a hoof to his chest. “I believe all magic is inherently powerful to the world, and thus good. That is the teaching of my god, the King of Ravens,” he said. This was the first time I’d heard of Gaffer’s character actually being mentioned, so I looked to him, but he remained silent, smiling. “How much do I know about the King of Ravens?” I asked him. “That would be a knowledge religion roll,” he offered. So I rolled, and got a total of twelve. “The King of Ravens is an alicorn god of mystery and mists, his goals always hard to guess at, but his reach curiously short,” Gaffer told me. “He seems mostly occupied with storytellers.” “Makes sense for an imitator,” I chuckled, glancing at 8-bit. “Startwist the Bearded, an imitator? Bah,” he replied with a grin. “Well… My magic, if you must know, comes from a bond that I have with a lost kingdom,” I said as I looked down at my character sheet, mostly to avoid looking at them. “My family are descendants of the royalty of that kingdom, and I seek to bring it back from it’s unjust banishment, and restore it, with or without my leadership.” “I like her,” Smash said, and I could see how he used the shrill voice to differentiate what was said by Pocket or his character, starting to think of them all as their characters more firmly for the purposes of the game. “A noble goal,” Startwist nodded. “The magic of so many ponies missing from the world, it’s a crime against magic itself!” Winston didn’t comment, though he nodded towards me, sympathetic. It felt incredibly odd to openly discuss my family’s secret. Well, it wasn’t truly an open discussion, but it felt so bare and real, compared to an entire lifetime of keeping it buried. “Do I know anything about a banished kingdom,” Startwist pondered, rolling a die and glancing at his sheet. “Knowledge Arcana, twenty two.” “The King of Ravens has never discussed it, because it wasn’t his story to tell,” Gaffer bowed his head. “But in your research you have come across mention of ways to obscure a section of land. Some of them, in theory, could be used to send an entire city to another plane of reality.” In the fictional world of the game, it was easier to let the questions be more vague. It was easier not to fret over the details of King Sombra, a monstrous stallion capable of twisting ponies into following his will, or how the Crystal Empire’s return would also bring him with it. I could just imagine it was a simple problem that could be solved with a spell if only it could be figured out. That was the first time I felt the benefits of escapism. Ch.3 PolishingThat night I played a game with a bunch of nerds, and I was dramatic, and my voice was all over the place, and I had actual fun. I started playing games with them more often, even when my grades started dipping, and I felt at home in that silly game as I killed cardboard monsters with spells powered by gemstones. On Summer Break, we started playing even more often, my inclusion in their friend group unquestioned. The rest of the ponies at school gave me odd looks occasionally, but knowing the cause wasn’t my body made it far easier to deal with. My clothing style had stabilized, with shorts and a button-up shirt my go-to. I even flew occasionally at school, not worrying about what the ponies below might see. But my attention was focused on the game. The game in which Diamond Flight had joined the Local Favorites officially, made money with them, become friends with them, and then uncovered the grim fate of her lost Gem Kingdom. It wasn’t my story, but that helped. It wasn’t Sombra and the pride of an ancient princess that left us defenseless. The missing kingdom had been banished by a mistake, a spell crafted by cultists to prove their worship of the Gem Goddess was as true as the kingdom’s. A mistake those cultists had doubled down on, and so it was easy to hate them. “Shash is a mare tonight,” Pocket Protector said simply as we sat down and got our dice ready. Shining had given me a set of dice at my second game, white with glitter embedded into the plastic. I loved them, though some that looked more like gems would have been more thematically appropriate to the character. But I glanced up at Pocket, curious. He’d jokingly had Smash mistaken as a mare for a game months ago, but it hadn’t come off as a joke after that. I was curious if my presence had somehow given him permission to explore his gender through the character. “She and I will surely be cooperating in tonight’s adventure,” I nodded towards Pocket graciously. It was hard to tell in the dim light if their grateful smile had a blush behind it, but it didn’t matter much. Whatever they felt, I didn’t mind, and the boys didn’t seem to care much either. So long as I could keep my own mask on, it was fine. We began the game, and explored the small city of Renlet until we discovered that the mare that we were seeking was in a public bathhouse. “Well, we’ll have to wait until she comes out,” Winston sighed. “Hardly appropriate to charge in and question her.” “We’ll go in!” Smash declared, starting to walk in before I landed in front of her. “No! We can’t…” Why, why was Diamond Flight stopping her? Diamond wasn’t a freak like me, she was a normal mare, so why wouldn’t she go in with Smash? The panic froze me, trying to understand the character and myself all at once. There was a path in front of me, that I could see the way this could all play out. The way that it could hurt. Maybe Smash would act out in the bathhouse and draw attention to us, and what if Smash wasn’t a mare in the traditional sense? If the boys joked about her having a different anatomy, if they mocked ponies like that. Mocking me without knowing it. “Hey…” Winston walked up to Diamond and put a hoof on her shoulder. “You’re trying to protect her, aren’t you?” A sudden dawning understanding bloomed across Smash’s face, Startwist’s, and I could feel the tight knot in my chest get stuck in my throat. So I just nodded. “I would pray to Celestia,” Winston says softly. “But she is so busy I don’t dare. Startwist?” The unicorn mage nodded quickly before closing his eyes. “Raven King, my lord, of secrets and of knowledge. May we have the guarantee of safety in this? That two of our number may go on, free from…” “Social harm,” Winston proposed so softly. He looked into my eyes. He understood more than I felt he ever should. I couldn’t talk. We could all hear the King of Ravens, of course. ”A reprieve from the ills of society, I think, is deserved,” he declared. “She’ll be safe,” Winston told me gently. “Do you want to go with her?” I swallowed all my pain and fear, and dashed a tear from the corner of my eye before nodding. If something went wrong, the impulsive barbarian would need my help. After steadying myself, we went in. It went well. Somehow, it went well. Outside of our characters, none of the boys made fun or were bothered by my fear. Pocket didn’t object or question me. Everyone just… accepted what I had said and moved on. I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t understand it. I’d acted in a way not only unbecoming of my family, but that stood out horribly. My voice had even cracked and fell, but… The game went on. Everyone had fun, even as I waited for something to go wrong or for someone to notice that I was wrong. After the session ended, Shining followed me outside. “Before you go, I wanted to make sure you’re alright,” he said, smiling hopefully. I struggled to find the words, looking up at the moon low on the horizon before sighing. “I’m… I’ll be fine. I just need… It isn’t as personal. I need to not take it personally,” I finally decided. He stepped closer, and I thought for a moment he might try to kiss me. I wouldn’t have even minded, but instead he asked me a question. “Are you transgender?” My head twitched, as though I’d been struck. But I had clearly let my voice slip too many times. Just like that, months of fun became a list of mistakes in my head. How many errors had I made? How many ponies had he told? I could cut him off, I could never talk to him again. I could go back to the private academy that my mother had wanted and abandon Canterlot High entirely. He must have seen the grief and pain on my face. “Cadance,” he said more gently. “I’m not bothered if you are. I just thought… If you are, I should be mindful of Pocket’s character swapping gender every few sessions, and whether it was… If that bothered you or something.” “It doesn’t bother me,” I said bitterly. “And I’m not transgender. Or… I… I’m not either. I’m just… something else.” He stepped closer, instead of backing away. “Okay. If he does something with his character that bothers you, just tell me, okay?” I looked into his eyes, and I was looking for disgust. I was hunting for it, scouring his blue eyes for the tiniest scrap of disapproval, but I didn’t see it. Despite all my insecurity and fear, I didn’t see it. I stepped forward, and I kissed him. I kissed somepony for the first time, and he knew what I was, and though he was startled he didn’t pull away. “Sorry,” I whispered as I turned away, tears in my eyes. “You don’t have to apologize,” he said as he touched my neck softly. “Please, please don’t apologize.” “I should go…” “If you want to,” he said, offering me a smile. “But I’ll see you next week, right?” “Yeah.” My voice was so rough it may have been dragged through gravel, but he didn’t frown or flinch. He kept smiling at me, until I was out of sight. I spread my wings and flew home, through the trees in the oldest neighborhoods of Canterlot, over a wrought iron gate, and I landed on the doorstep before opening the door. “Amore,” Fine Filigree said with a nod as I entered. She was one of our eight servants, and she was probably one of the kindest. “Filigree,” I nodded in return. “Is… mother…” “She’s in a bit of a state, but she thinks you’re reviewing your history books,” she says with a wry smile. I gave her a grateful smile in return and snuck up the stairs to my bedroom. Quickly, I changed into a house robe, so similar to a bathrobe but it was simply designed to preserve my ‘modesty’ and not to dry me. A cloak, at home, to hide my disfigurement. At least in public I could wear clothes but my mother refused to allow it here. Then I walked down the stairs, stomping a bit with each step, until my mother poked her head out of her parlor. “Mi Amore Cadenza, I cannot imagine why you spend so much time studying during a school break,” she sniffed as her glass of wine dipped in the grip of her wing. “You have no need for an Equestrian education!” I reached the bottom of the stairs, and took a few quick steps to catch her glass before it spilled. “I’m not going to join the military, mother,” I said firmly. “No need!” she laughed. “The Crystal Empire is never going to return! All you need to do is find a good stallion and settle down!” I winced, and pushed her back into the parlor, trying to guide her more than shove her. “Mother, I’m not going to do that either,” I said firmly. “Oh well, you went to all this trouble,” she scoffed as she pushed a feather against my throat and then glared at my mane. “All this effort when you could have been a prince with no effort at all! Or whichever! Be a prince one day and a wife the next! I don’t care, but abandoning the post entirely…” She muttered, before grabbing the glass from me and draining it. “The final expedition is over,” she sighed as she slumped onto a sofa. I stopped, and frowned at her while I tried to put together what she meant by that. “There’s no such thing as a ‘final’ expedition, mother,” I said after she dropped the empty glass on the table. “We are children of the Eternal watch. Eternal implies–” “I know what it implies!” she shrieked, sitting up and scowling at me as I recoiled. “You think I don’t know?! We’re out of money, Amore! We’re out of willing volunteers! It’s just you, me, your father’s ashes, and a dead bloodline!” I backed away, as tears ran down my cheeks. “Mother…” “It’s dead!” she laughed. “You’re as good as a mule, Mi Amore!” she said my name in a mocking tone, scowling at me. “Because I finally talked to that damned doctor you’ve had around, and he said you’re going to geld yourself! Well, I forbid it! I won’t lose my only chance at children, even if they’re the last!” I sobbed, covering my mouth with a wing, and looked into her eyes. No matter how poor we might become, she was my only access to money, to medical care. She was my mother. My heart was shattering as I understood the cold anger in her eyes. I turned and I ran. I ran, and I burst out of the front door, and I flew. It had been so long since I’d flown without clothes on, it almost froze me, but the fear and the pain was too much for me to stop myself. So I flew. I found myself at the shore of a pond in a public park, late at night with not another pony in sight. There, I let myself cry. I let myself sob into the fountain and I wondered if there was any version of myself that could be free. If being myself would always mean that I was a prisoner of someone else’s point of view. I was supposed to be the sire of a new generation of Crystal Ponies. It was meaningless to me when I was young, but once I was fourteen my father had explained it to me in more detail. The Eternal Watch was all that was left of the Crystal Empire. It was a bloodline of crystal ponies from long long ago, still struggling to survive long enough to see the Empire return. It all felt too much like the type of daydream that old mares pondered to keep feeling relevant. I just wanted to blend in, to be like everypony else. No… That wasn’t true. Really, I just wanted to be part of the world. Part of the community. I was so tired of being on a pedestal, or on the outskirts. I spread my wings, and I looked skyward, past the peak of Canterlot mountain to the moon above. I launched myself off of the ground and I flew. I was no great flier, but as magic gathered around my feathers I remembered ancient legends of pegusi who dreamed so deeply of another land that they flew there. I remembered stories of pegusi who flew to the moon and back, and I thought… I would fly somewhere that would let me be who I wished. I flew faster and faster, higher than I’d ever been. Magic flashed and roared around me, as the concept in my mind crystalized into a single thought. With whatever magic graced my wings, I would be true to myself. I was a stallion. I was a mare. I was an alicorn. I was something unique. So I found myself standing among the mist and stars, looking around at glimpses of my own life, pivotal moments that defined who I was. Then I saw that standing before me was Princess Luna, Princess of the night, and she looked as surprised to be there as I was. Ch.4 Setting“Who are you?” I asked her, having never before seen the midnight-blue alicorn. “An expected, if painful, query,” Luna replied, stepping towards me. “But ultimately not of import. Nay, tis only thy identity which matters on this night, young alicorn.” “Young…” I crossed my eyes as I looked up and caught the very tip of a horn sticking out of my forehead. Reverently, and carefully, I reached up and touched it with my hoof. It was real, very very real. So I looked back at the alicorn of the night, tears in my eyes, confusion flooding through me. “Why am I an alicorn?” I finally whispered. “Ah, then thy question reaches the most urgent of conclusions,” Luna said more gently as she sat in front of me. “For it seems the magic of the world hath given thee answers aplenty.” She gestured around me, at all the shimmering memories, all the little moments of my life where I had learned not to take out my pains on others, where I had learned to care for others even though I was struggling to care for myself. I saw Shining Armor there, and the times that he’d gently reminded or shown me that there was more to life than my struggle. I could see my father. I could see him as clearly as if he was alive again. There was no fog or pain in those bright memories as he laughed and showed me how to draw the ancient heart of the Crystal Empire. The heart that would one day become my Cutie Mark. “His lessons bought thy heart the strength necessary to continue on,” Luna remarked, a wing over my back as she guided me through my own history, gesturing with a hoof. “Through a broken home, still carrying nought but the purest intentions for others. Then, it seems that thou hast met a stallion singularly unique by thy reckoning.” Images flowed around us, so many of that white stallion laughing, smiling at me, holding my hoof in reassurance. “You Love Him,” Luna said in a strong commanding tone, as though she was dictating reality. “And yet thou willst not let it show.” “He deserves better,” I whispered, looking away only to see his image again and again. “Thou art an alicorn,” Luna said, using her magic to pull my head back, to look into my eyes. “What else could he deserve beyond a goddess?” “One who could give him foals,” I choked out, as tears spilled down my cheeks. Luna recoiled, shocked and confused, all of the expressions I expected to see on the face of a princess faced with a freak. But instead of changing to revulsion, it faded to amusement, and she laughed. “Don’t laugh at me,” I whispered angrily, trembling as I pondered actually attacking this dark alicorn. “We shall laugh freely at fools,” Luna retorted as she flared her wings and loomed over me, smirking. “Thou hast unbridled magicks beyond our own ken, which could give thy body rebirth in a thousand ways, and yet it suits thee better to pout and ignore them!” I scowled and flared my own wings, trying to feel larger than a weak and scared little pony. But then I felt the magic that had brought me here, and I felt it flow into my wings and horn. The magic that tasted like freedom. In a flash, I was a touch taller and a touch smoother, and I understood. Just like that, I needed no surgeon or potion. I needed no help to be myself, I simply was who I am. “Oh,” I gasped as I looked down at myself. “Oh indeed,” Luna scoffed, folding her wings once again. “What is thy name, young alicorn?” “Mi Amore Cadenza,” I said as I let my wings hang down my sides and touch on my now slimmer figure, stunned by how complete the transformation was. “Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” Luna corrected softly as she bowed to me. “I pray that some night I shall meet you face to face.” Then, in another flash of light and the scattering of stars, I was sat on the clouds far above Canterlot, under the bright moon. The moon shone down on a mare that was aching with completeness. Despite it, I worried over what I might have lost in the change. I thought… Perhaps the magic had stolen my true self, and the uniqueness I had been so afraid of losing in the surgery to come. So I touched on that magic again, and then I was effortlessly the prince that my mother always wanted. As though I had always been him. I laughed, my voice low and deep and rich as chocolate. “I can be him,” I whispered, admiring my subtle strength before I flashed and changed again. “I can be them.” Then another flash, and the sigh of a voice softer than my training had ever managed. “I can be her,” I declared. I was alone, but I did not feel lonely. Nonetheless I spread my wings and I soared down, seeking out and finally landing in front of Shining Armor’s parent’s home. It was nearly midnight, and the lights were all out inside, but I knocked anyway. When Night Light answered, he looked up at me with clear shock. “Cadance, are you alright?” he asked immediately. “I would like to speak with Shining, if he’s available,” I said softly. And Night Light clearly struggled for a moment with the situation, eyes drifting to my horn several times before he nodded and gestured for me to follow him inside. The O&O game was still set up in the living room, Diamond Flight still ready for the next fight. Would he want me to play still, now that I was so different? “You’re not wearing any clothes,” Shining said, freezing at the doorway, uncertain and concerned. I smiled a little, looking down at myself, my horn clearly pointing in my vision. “Oh? I suppose I’m not.” I looked back at him, as he started staring at the horn as well. “Are you okay?” he finally asked. “I’m better than okay,” I whispered. “I would like… if you’d have me, I mean, to be your girlfriend.” He tilted his head in the most adorable way, and smiled, and walked closer to me to find that I now towered over him by a hoof’s width. “Cadance, I would love to be your boyfriend,” he said softly. “If you’d have me.” I kissed him, and then for a moment we rested cheek to cheek. “So uh… how did you become an alicorn?” he finally asked. “I have no bucking idea.” That night as I left their house, I walked out into the night air not to find an empty street but to Princess Celestia sat on the sidewalk, with three royal guards sitting on the other side of the street. I hesitated. Who wouldn’t hesitate if they found their head of state sitting outside of their boyfriend’s house after a midnight tryst? But she didn’t order the guards to seize me, so I walked to the gate and closed it behind me before facing her. “Mi Amore Cadenze,” she said with a smile. “Your Royal Highness,” I whispered, bowing. “Please,” she sighed, gesturing for me to rise. “Call me Celestia. Do you have a nickname you prefer?” I looked into her eyes, trying to understand, trying to comprehend what she wanted from me. But it sort of made sense that she would need to check in on a new alicorn. I didn’t even know that ponies could become alicorns. “Cadance,” I declared. “I like to be called Cadance, your highness… Celestia.” “Cadance,” she nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Cadence. I know this is a bit abrupt, but… did you speak with a blue alicorn tonight? Or perhaps black, it’s hard to know.” I was a bit surprised, not just that she knew of the mystery alicorn, but that she knew I would have spoken with her. “I did,” I nodded. “She… explained that I was an alicorn now. She also sort of berated me a bit for being childish.” Celestia laughed, soft and light, as tears shone in her eyes from the streetlamps. “Oh Luna,” she said softly. “Did she… say anything else?” I wracked my brain, trying to remember the details of the conversation. “She didn’t even say her name,” I admitted. “She wasn’t surprised I didn’t know her name… but didn’t talk about anything but… my life.” Celestia nodded, and lowered her head, closing her eyes as those tears fell to the cobblestones. “She said that she hoped to meet me,” I remembered, blurting it out just as quickly. “She prayed that we would meet face to face.” Celestia looked up at me, then away as she thought, and finally a smile settled on her face even if it was a sad one. “Well then… There’s a chance.”
Ch.1 - Raw crystalI never wanted to be an object of admiration. I just wanted to be another face in the herd. There was nothing more important to me, when I was in my teens, than fitting in. It seemed to be so easy for some ponies, with no stress or panic in their voice when they talked, and no fear in their eyes. But for me, school was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. One thing that most ponies take for granted is that clothes are an optional adornment to our world, a lovely thing that we can don when desired but that are no more necessary than a hat. I never went without a loose skirt, not a single day. My mother tried to insist that I leave my shame and frustration aside and just be whatever I am, but I was singularly unique, and in school it did not serve to be unique. “Cadance!” I flinched, and turned to look at the stallion calling my name. Shining Armor, one of many well meaning ponies that had tried to pull me into a social group that I couldn’t belong to. Not without risk. “What do you need, Shining?” I asked. The voice training was working, at least. I could force my voice to behave, and track the breathy intonations of each word required to remind the world of the play that I was putting on. It was ‘waht’ with an exhale, and not ‘whut’ with a sharp T. It was ‘Shy-neng’ with an upturned note at the end, not ‘Shine-ing’ with a downturn. I could almost feel normal if I broke it all down into pieces. “I was wondering if you wanted an excuse to skip Mark’s-day. I have a doctor’s appointment that day, and if you were there for emotional support…” He trailed off with a lack of confidence in his voice and bearing, his head low and smile crooked. The jocks might make fun of him for it all, for his lack of strength, but they’d never truly doubt his place in the world. Not like me. I was not allowed to contain such flaws, or I’d be ripped apart. “Why… would I want to skip Mark’s-day?” I finally sighed. It had to be some kind of ploy to spend time with me, as he’d invited me to no less than four different O&O games, and to his birthday party. Who even had birthday parties at sixteen, anyway? Well, more accurately, who invited random losers to them? Shining Armor, the biggest sucker in Canterlot. He hesitated, clearly not expecting the question, but after a bit he stepped uncomfortably close to whisper his reply. “Well, because you’re a late-bloomer, right? You don’t have a mark yet?” I couldn’t stop the laugh before it left my mouth, and I covered up the harsh unbecoming noise with my hoof and a fake cough, though I was still smiling. “Shining, I have a cutie mark,” I finally admitted, putting my hoof down. “Oh! Sorry, I thought because you always dressed up…” he blushed heavily, and for a moment I genuinely felt bad for him. He was trying to help. He’d offered me a way out of something that most ponies wouldn’t have even thought of bothering me, even if his guess was wrong. “Shining… I dress up because… I don’t look right, under all this,” I said vaguely as I gestured at my button up blouse and flowing white skirt. “Okay? I just… don’t want ponies staring at me.” “So I shouldn’t stare at you because I think you’re beautiful?” he asked, confused. It was my turn to blush, as I cleared my throat. “I just told you that I’m a freak, Shining Armor,” I said firmly. “I don’t think you understand what I mean, or you wouldn’t say that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. “Cadance, I… I don’t know what you look like, under your clothes, but I don’t think you should call yourself a freak. Do you prefer Handsome?” I snorted, but I couldn’t talk, the tightness in my throat threatening to let spill the darker side of my voice, as I turned away shook my head. He tried to apologize, as I left, but he shouldn’t have. It was the first crack in a wall that had to come down, for me to survive. Almost a year later, I finally responded to his invite, and went to his birthday party. I remember exactly what I wore. I was trying out shorts and pants at the time, really pushing the mold but also trying tighter fitting clothes that could let me feel more secure about running or moving around quickly without a skirt blowing up. The jogging shorts and t-shirt combination looked good, and it was another step towards being comfortable flying around other ponies. But flying in public was for another day. That day, I was just attending a birthday party for a nerd. I arrived at Shining’s parent’s house half an hour early. Everything in the house was draped in white ribbons and blue stars, and I paused at the front gate to watch through the window. He was laughing as he held his little sister up above his head in his magic, so she could pin another blue star to the wall. He looked… genuine. He didn’t look like he was just pretending to be a good brother, or pretending to be nice for the sake of some reward. He was as genuine as I’d ever seen, and I think that’s when I started to fall in love with him. Love was a painful topic for me, back then. My full name is, when translated from the language of the Italioats, ‘I love cadence.’ The rhythm, the beat of life. I was supposed to be a representation of love for the passage of time. For the patterns of life. But I didn't. I called myself Cadance instead, because I wanted to live for myself, to dance, not just count the time passing. But looking at Shining Armor through the bay windows, I saw somepony that seemed to be happy with the passage of time. He wasn't fighting it, bitter and conflicted like I was. I knocked on the door, of course, and they opened it quickly. “Cadance!” Shining said, freezing as though he’d stepped in glue. “You came!” “Cadance!” his sister echoed, smiling up at me. “Yes, I’m Cadance,” I agreed as I dared to smile a little bit, even though I felt it made me look more masculine than I wanted. “What’s your name?” “Twilight Sparkle,” she said, standing tall and holding out a hoof. “It’s a please-sure to meet your ack-waintance.” “And a pleasure to meet yours as well,” I chuckled as I shook her hoof. “May I come in?” “Yes!” Twilight galloped back into the house as I walked past Shining Armor, who still seemed a bit stunned. “Sorry I’m early,” I offered. “No, no, please don’t apologize,” he insisted. “I just… I didn’t think you’d come! I thought for sure I ruined any chance at being friends with uh… the whole blank-flank thing!” I sighed, smiling still a little as I sat and fluffed my wings. “Shining Armor, I think we could be friends,” I admitted. “If your sister allows it.” “Yes!” Twilight shouted from the kitchen. “No eavesdropping, Twilight!” Shining whined as his sister giggled and ran to another room. For a moment, as he smiled and his shoulders relaxed, I wanted to ask him why I wasn’t a freak. I wanted to open up his mind and figure out what made him care so genuinely about so many other things, but not what was under my clothes. I wanted to interrogate him, find a truth spell and figure out what he really thought. But that moment of selfish insecurity faded and I took a breath. “So, how can I help set up?” It seemed most of the party was ready to go. Shining Armor’s father was home, though he was quite busy organizing his study, but he did introduce himself and made sure to point out that there was no alcohol or drugs at this birthday party, turning Shining an amusing shade of red. But in its innocence, the party excelled. Packs of soda opened up on the living room table, chips and dip on the counter, and pizza was on order to be delivered soon. But what caught my eye was the setup in the living room. A diorama, or perhaps a game board about two ponies long by four ponies wide, made out of carved wood and folded paper. It looked like a cave system, with delicate rocky ledges and wood beams made of popsicle sticks holding up an invisible roof, little flashlights in strategic spots lit it in dramatic angles. I walked over to examine it, which seemed to cause a bit of a panic in Shining. “Oh, that’s… My friends wanted to play a session, you don’t have to… We can play any time,” Shining stammered. “Do you not want me to play?” I asked softly, turning to look him in the eyes. He froze again. He seemed to have a habit of doing that. I wondered if it was because I was just as tall as him, if I scared him, if I was too intense. “I… would… like you to play if it wouldn’t be annoying to you?” he proposed in a nervous pitch that I thought my voice coach would call ‘shrill.’ “I want to play,” I decided. “Okay,” he breathed, soft and reverent. “Then we need to make a character. Quick, before the others get here, otherwise I’ll be distracted.”
Ch.2 CuttingHe got out a sheet of paper, and sat me down, placing a pencil down that I picked up in my feathers. “So, first thing to pick–” “The name,” I pointed at the sheet. “Well… That’s first on the sheet,” he admitted. “But that’s not the first thing to pick. If you pick your class, that is… what your character is good at, everything else can start to flow from that.” I blinked a few times, waiting for him to explain, but he just stared at me. It made me a little bit uncomfortable, of course, but he wasn’t staring at me in the disgusted or grim way I feared, so at least it wasn’t too bad. “Okay, and what are the classes?” I finally asked. “Right! Right, sorry.” He flipped open a book and took a deep breath. “Barbarian, Bard, Cleric, Dark one, Druid, Fighter–” “Okay, hold on, don’t all of them fight?” I asked, tilting my head to look at the list. “So why is one just ‘fighter’?” “That class is more of… all purpose,” he said. “A class for characters who are focused on direct combat. A Cleric heals, a Barbarian fights using rage, a Druid or Wizard would use magic…” I looked at the list, and I looked at him. “How do you know which one to play?” “Well, it’s up to you,” he said with a gentle smile. “It’s not… Like, Pocket, he plays a barbarian. I’ve never seen the guy get angry in his life, but he plays this raging barbarian. You can play anything you want.” I looked back at the list. Why did this scare me? It was so simple. Just pick one to blend in. Just to play the game. “What does a Dark One do?” I asked, despite myself. “Well, they get their magic from a pact with a creature of great power,” he explained, as though it was just a math problem. “Like… something from beyond the stars, or from the depths of the ocean, or a devil.” “What about a lost kingdom?” I asked quietly, my voice cracking just a little bit as my heart rate picked up. “What if I was a Dark One who was… had a pact with a lost kingdom that I have to be the champion of, until it returns?” “That. Sounds. Awesome,” he whispered with wide eyes. I wrote it down, silently cursing myself at the time. I didn’t need to be bringing my family’s past into this. I didn’t need to expose the wound left by years of my mother insisting that I was the last salvation of an empire long dead and gone. I didn’t need to create an analogue to the noble warrior my dad had seen in his only ‘son.’ We crafted a character for me. Diamond Flight, a Dark One of the Gem Kingdom, a pegasus like myself. “Shining! I– woah.” The unicorn colt at the door, who had come in without knocking, was a colt I'd seen around school a few times, orange with a white nose and legs. “Gaffer, I know it's short notice, but Cadance made a character and everything, pleeeaaase?” Shining begged him. For some reason I'd thought that Shining was in charge of his little group of friends, but now I was starting to reconsider that. Gaffer lit his horn and carefully took the papers, reading it over silently while Shining sat next to me. Oddly, this was familiar to me, being silently judged. Having to wait as someone decided if I’d failed or not. But Gaffer let his feelings show, under his pretense of judgment. He was smiling a little bit, and nodded briefly. It wasn’t even stressful to me, he was so obvious. “I suppose we can have a fourth,” he finally announced. Shining cheered and punched the air. “Yes! Thank you, Gaffer!” “Relaaaax,” Gaffer said, settling in on a cushion on the other side of the cave system diorama from the majority of the seating. “It’s your birthday. Every guest should feel welcome to such a grand party!” I sat, and watched the banter between them. Clearly, Shining Armor looked up to Gaffer but Gaffer respected him and as the rest of their friends arrived I could see that Shining was their leader in a different way. The charismatic center of their group. “Time to dive in, no more mortal names,” Gaffer said dramatically as Shining passed us each a plate of pizza. “I am the King of Ravens. A mysterious alicorn that guides the mission that this group of ponies has embarked upon!” He gestured to Pocket Protector, an earth pony colt with a silvery coat and vivid black and white mane. Pocket swallowed the pizza he’d already started eating, and cleared his throat to put on a strange high pitched whining voice, only to bark out a single word. “Smash!” “Smash the barbarian, a pegasus fueled by his rage, seeking to avenge the slaughter of his tribe,” Gaffer intoned, serious despite the comical tone of Pocket’s character. Then Gaffer gestured to 8-bit, a brown pegasus with a shock of barely tamed pale blue mane, who sat up proudly. “Startwist the Bearded,” the beardless colt said firmly in a cultured voice. “A unicorn stallion, whose life work was stolen by that dastardly Starswirl! He even copied my beard! So I am seeking to make my own legacy outshine him.” I chuckled softly, grinning at the idea of a Starswirl imposter who was trying to outshine the original. But then Gaffer pointed to me. “Ah, I’m Diamond Flight,” I said proudly, glancing down at my character sheet. “A pegasus mare, who is sworn to protect an ancient kingdom that has been lost. So I seek to become strong enough to rediscover the lost kingdom I call home.” Gaffer beamed in approval, and the boys all tapped their hooves in applause. It was new, exciting, and they didn’t question it. “And finally, the cleric who heals their every wound, and guides the group to victory,” Gaffer said, as he gestured to Shining. “I am Winston the Wise,” Shining said, putting a hoof to his heart and bowing his head. “I am a cleric of the Sun, bringing Celestia’s light to even the darkest caverns.” Cute. For some reason I found his character cute. A healer, a priest, and all of it focused around Celestia. I wanted to ask why exactly Celestia existed in this fictional world we were playing in, but I had a feeling it wasn’t my turn to talk. “So, this late evening as our trio makes their way through the Fenngroves of Eramdas, they hear the sounds of fighting, through the trees,” Gaffer said, pulling out a piece of cardboard that had grass printed onto it, placing a pink stone on it, and then a few small figurines of timberwolves around it. “Near the entrance to the Eramdas caves, a scene of pitched combat, a singular pegasus backed against the hillside with a pack of timberwolves closing in. Diamond Flight, what weapons do you use to defend yourself?” Gaffer asked me, his tone intense and urgent. I liked his storytelling prowess. It was far better than the way my mother recited dry facts and figures from history. It reminded me a bit of my father’s way of entrancing me with history, when he’d still been alive. “Well, since Timberwolves are likely vulnerable to fire,” I pondered aloud. “You might know that, but does Diamond?” Gaffer challenged. “How many points did you put into Knowledge Nature?” I distinctly remembered, as I created my character, imagining that she’d spend a lot of time out in nature hunting for the Crystal Empire, I mean ‘Gem Kingdom’ since her parents didn’t chain her down like a precious jewel waiting for someone else to do the hard work. But I checked my sheet. “Four points…” Shining pointed quickly to the total column, instead of the ranks column. “Ah, six total.” “Then go ahead and roll a d20, that’s one of these, to see how much information you know about this particular monster,” Gaffer said, his smile an approving one. Even though I was new to this, he was excited for me to play, it seemed. I rolled the die. “Thirteen,” I said before adding my skill total. “Oh, nineteen.” “Nineteen, very good. Our lonesome adventurer might be far afield, but she knows the threats she faces,” Gaffer nodded. “Diamond Flight, you know that Timberwolves will regenerate and combine to preserve half of their health no matter what, unless they are damaged using magic or fire. Fire does twice as much damage as normal.” I nodded as I thought, looking at the cluster of five around Diamond on the small green map. “Then I’ll be defending myself using Eldritch Blast, rather than my bo staff,” I declared. “Focusing on dissuading them before taking flight to avoid their claws. Once I’d pointed out I could fly, the drama of the situation seemed a bit lessened, but Gaffer still kept it up. “The unknown pegasus blasts the Timberwolves with energy drawn from the air around her, as the trio come into range to possibly help,” Gaffer restated. “Everyone roll initiative.” The combat was brief, with Smash’s magical hammer obliterating the enemy one by one, and Startwist tossing small fiery projectiles at them. Once it was done, and combat was declared over by Gaffer, it seemed only natural that the group approached Diamond to introduce themselves. “Some fine spellcraft on display, madam,” 8-bit said dramatically. “Winston gently pushes Startwist aside,” Shining said, rolling his eyes. “Are you injured, stranger? I’m a healer, and take no charge for my services.” “Only slightly,” I shrugged. “Hardly worth the effort, I think it’ll heal on its own. More importantly, what are you three doing out here?” “Ah, our newcomer is suspicious that the trio might be in search of the same thing she is,” Gaffer commented, nodding in approval. “A wise assumption.” “Moneh!” Pocket shrieked, making 8-bit wince next to him. “Startwist gently bops Smash on the head with his staff,” 8-bit said quickly. “Eh! It’s true! Shinies in caves, taken by nasty cultists, we take back, get money!” Pocket pouted. “Yes, it’s true, but did you think she might be one of those cultists,” 8-bit scowled at him. I blinked at that, and looked to Gaffer. “Those cultists, in fact, are the ponies you’ve been hunting, suspecting that they are responsible for your plight,” Gaffer said, quieter than most of his declarations but still loud enough for everyone to hear. I huffed, sitting up tall. “Far from it, fine strangers! I am seeking to put those same ponies out of their misery, for a wrong they’ve done to me. If you hadn’t come along I would have gone into the caves myself!” “Then it’s fortunate we’ve come across you,” Shining said, his voice gentle as he bowed his head. “We have information and maps which could aid you in your mission. Perhaps we could even see this done together. Hooves working in concert are often more effective than those alone.” So Diamond Flight joined their crew, which I later learned had taken to calling itself ‘the Local Favorites’ so that they could tell ponies on their travels that they were the ‘local favorites of Canterlot’ and give the impression that anyone actually knew who they were. After breaching the defenses of the cave system, and making our way deeper beneath the earth than my adventurer character had ever gone, much less myself, the Local Favorites found time to recover in a hidden cave. “Aaaand one more cure light, total is… oof, seven healing to Smash,” Shining groaned. “Only down by one, I’m fine,” Pocket shrugged before putting on his shrill voice. “So, newbie! Where’s your magic from!” “You don’t just ask a spellcaster where their magic comes from,” 8-bit sighed dramatically. “It’s uncouth at best, and discriminatory towards Necromancers at the worst!” “What’s a necromancer?” I asked Shining. “A mage that raises the dead as zombies or skeletons, mostly,” he replied quietly. I smirked and looked back at 8-bit. “Ah yes, what a terrible shame if we were to discriminate towards necromancers, hm?” 8-bit stuck his nose in the air, and put a hoof to his chest. “I believe all magic is inherently powerful to the world, and thus good. That is the teaching of my god, the King of Ravens,” he said. This was the first time I’d heard of Gaffer’s character actually being mentioned, so I looked to him, but he remained silent, smiling. “How much do I know about the King of Ravens?” I asked him. “That would be a knowledge religion roll,” he offered. So I rolled, and got a total of twelve. “The King of Ravens is an alicorn god of mystery and mists, his goals always hard to guess at, but his reach curiously short,” Gaffer told me. “He seems mostly occupied with storytellers.” “Makes sense for an imitator,” I chuckled, glancing at 8-bit. “Startwist the Bearded, an imitator? Bah,” he replied with a grin. “Well… My magic, if you must know, comes from a bond that I have with a lost kingdom,” I said as I looked down at my character sheet, mostly to avoid looking at them. “My family are descendants of the royalty of that kingdom, and I seek to bring it back from it’s unjust banishment, and restore it, with or without my leadership.” “I like her,” Smash said, and I could see how he used the shrill voice to differentiate what was said by Pocket or his character, starting to think of them all as their characters more firmly for the purposes of the game. “A noble goal,” Startwist nodded. “The magic of so many ponies missing from the world, it’s a crime against magic itself!” Winston didn’t comment, though he nodded towards me, sympathetic. It felt incredibly odd to openly discuss my family’s secret. Well, it wasn’t truly an open discussion, but it felt so bare and real, compared to an entire lifetime of keeping it buried. “Do I know anything about a banished kingdom,” Startwist pondered, rolling a die and glancing at his sheet. “Knowledge Arcana, twenty two.” “The King of Ravens has never discussed it, because it wasn’t his story to tell,” Gaffer bowed his head. “But in your research you have come across mention of ways to obscure a section of land. Some of them, in theory, could be used to send an entire city to another plane of reality.” In the fictional world of the game, it was easier to let the questions be more vague. It was easier not to fret over the details of King Sombra, a monstrous stallion capable of twisting ponies into following his will, or how the Crystal Empire’s return would also bring him with it. I could just imagine it was a simple problem that could be solved with a spell if only it could be figured out. That was the first time I felt the benefits of escapism.
Ch.3 PolishingThat night I played a game with a bunch of nerds, and I was dramatic, and my voice was all over the place, and I had actual fun. I started playing games with them more often, even when my grades started dipping, and I felt at home in that silly game as I killed cardboard monsters with spells powered by gemstones. On Summer Break, we started playing even more often, my inclusion in their friend group unquestioned. The rest of the ponies at school gave me odd looks occasionally, but knowing the cause wasn’t my body made it far easier to deal with. My clothing style had stabilized, with shorts and a button-up shirt my go-to. I even flew occasionally at school, not worrying about what the ponies below might see. But my attention was focused on the game. The game in which Diamond Flight had joined the Local Favorites officially, made money with them, become friends with them, and then uncovered the grim fate of her lost Gem Kingdom. It wasn’t my story, but that helped. It wasn’t Sombra and the pride of an ancient princess that left us defenseless. The missing kingdom had been banished by a mistake, a spell crafted by cultists to prove their worship of the Gem Goddess was as true as the kingdom’s. A mistake those cultists had doubled down on, and so it was easy to hate them. “Shash is a mare tonight,” Pocket Protector said simply as we sat down and got our dice ready. Shining had given me a set of dice at my second game, white with glitter embedded into the plastic. I loved them, though some that looked more like gems would have been more thematically appropriate to the character. But I glanced up at Pocket, curious. He’d jokingly had Smash mistaken as a mare for a game months ago, but it hadn’t come off as a joke after that. I was curious if my presence had somehow given him permission to explore his gender through the character. “She and I will surely be cooperating in tonight’s adventure,” I nodded towards Pocket graciously. It was hard to tell in the dim light if their grateful smile had a blush behind it, but it didn’t matter much. Whatever they felt, I didn’t mind, and the boys didn’t seem to care much either. So long as I could keep my own mask on, it was fine. We began the game, and explored the small city of Renlet until we discovered that the mare that we were seeking was in a public bathhouse. “Well, we’ll have to wait until she comes out,” Winston sighed. “Hardly appropriate to charge in and question her.” “We’ll go in!” Smash declared, starting to walk in before I landed in front of her. “No! We can’t…” Why, why was Diamond Flight stopping her? Diamond wasn’t a freak like me, she was a normal mare, so why wouldn’t she go in with Smash? The panic froze me, trying to understand the character and myself all at once. There was a path in front of me, that I could see the way this could all play out. The way that it could hurt. Maybe Smash would act out in the bathhouse and draw attention to us, and what if Smash wasn’t a mare in the traditional sense? If the boys joked about her having a different anatomy, if they mocked ponies like that. Mocking me without knowing it. “Hey…” Winston walked up to Diamond and put a hoof on her shoulder. “You’re trying to protect her, aren’t you?” A sudden dawning understanding bloomed across Smash’s face, Startwist’s, and I could feel the tight knot in my chest get stuck in my throat. So I just nodded. “I would pray to Celestia,” Winston says softly. “But she is so busy I don’t dare. Startwist?” The unicorn mage nodded quickly before closing his eyes. “Raven King, my lord, of secrets and of knowledge. May we have the guarantee of safety in this? That two of our number may go on, free from…” “Social harm,” Winston proposed so softly. He looked into my eyes. He understood more than I felt he ever should. I couldn’t talk. We could all hear the King of Ravens, of course. ”A reprieve from the ills of society, I think, is deserved,” he declared. “She’ll be safe,” Winston told me gently. “Do you want to go with her?” I swallowed all my pain and fear, and dashed a tear from the corner of my eye before nodding. If something went wrong, the impulsive barbarian would need my help. After steadying myself, we went in. It went well. Somehow, it went well. Outside of our characters, none of the boys made fun or were bothered by my fear. Pocket didn’t object or question me. Everyone just… accepted what I had said and moved on. I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t understand it. I’d acted in a way not only unbecoming of my family, but that stood out horribly. My voice had even cracked and fell, but… The game went on. Everyone had fun, even as I waited for something to go wrong or for someone to notice that I was wrong. After the session ended, Shining followed me outside. “Before you go, I wanted to make sure you’re alright,” he said, smiling hopefully. I struggled to find the words, looking up at the moon low on the horizon before sighing. “I’m… I’ll be fine. I just need… It isn’t as personal. I need to not take it personally,” I finally decided. He stepped closer, and I thought for a moment he might try to kiss me. I wouldn’t have even minded, but instead he asked me a question. “Are you transgender?” My head twitched, as though I’d been struck. But I had clearly let my voice slip too many times. Just like that, months of fun became a list of mistakes in my head. How many errors had I made? How many ponies had he told? I could cut him off, I could never talk to him again. I could go back to the private academy that my mother had wanted and abandon Canterlot High entirely. He must have seen the grief and pain on my face. “Cadance,” he said more gently. “I’m not bothered if you are. I just thought… If you are, I should be mindful of Pocket’s character swapping gender every few sessions, and whether it was… If that bothered you or something.” “It doesn’t bother me,” I said bitterly. “And I’m not transgender. Or… I… I’m not either. I’m just… something else.” He stepped closer, instead of backing away. “Okay. If he does something with his character that bothers you, just tell me, okay?” I looked into his eyes, and I was looking for disgust. I was hunting for it, scouring his blue eyes for the tiniest scrap of disapproval, but I didn’t see it. Despite all my insecurity and fear, I didn’t see it. I stepped forward, and I kissed him. I kissed somepony for the first time, and he knew what I was, and though he was startled he didn’t pull away. “Sorry,” I whispered as I turned away, tears in my eyes. “You don’t have to apologize,” he said as he touched my neck softly. “Please, please don’t apologize.” “I should go…” “If you want to,” he said, offering me a smile. “But I’ll see you next week, right?” “Yeah.” My voice was so rough it may have been dragged through gravel, but he didn’t frown or flinch. He kept smiling at me, until I was out of sight. I spread my wings and flew home, through the trees in the oldest neighborhoods of Canterlot, over a wrought iron gate, and I landed on the doorstep before opening the door. “Amore,” Fine Filigree said with a nod as I entered. She was one of our eight servants, and she was probably one of the kindest. “Filigree,” I nodded in return. “Is… mother…” “She’s in a bit of a state, but she thinks you’re reviewing your history books,” she says with a wry smile. I gave her a grateful smile in return and snuck up the stairs to my bedroom. Quickly, I changed into a house robe, so similar to a bathrobe but it was simply designed to preserve my ‘modesty’ and not to dry me. A cloak, at home, to hide my disfigurement. At least in public I could wear clothes but my mother refused to allow it here. Then I walked down the stairs, stomping a bit with each step, until my mother poked her head out of her parlor. “Mi Amore Cadenza, I cannot imagine why you spend so much time studying during a school break,” she sniffed as her glass of wine dipped in the grip of her wing. “You have no need for an Equestrian education!” I reached the bottom of the stairs, and took a few quick steps to catch her glass before it spilled. “I’m not going to join the military, mother,” I said firmly. “No need!” she laughed. “The Crystal Empire is never going to return! All you need to do is find a good stallion and settle down!” I winced, and pushed her back into the parlor, trying to guide her more than shove her. “Mother, I’m not going to do that either,” I said firmly. “Oh well, you went to all this trouble,” she scoffed as she pushed a feather against my throat and then glared at my mane. “All this effort when you could have been a prince with no effort at all! Or whichever! Be a prince one day and a wife the next! I don’t care, but abandoning the post entirely…” She muttered, before grabbing the glass from me and draining it. “The final expedition is over,” she sighed as she slumped onto a sofa. I stopped, and frowned at her while I tried to put together what she meant by that. “There’s no such thing as a ‘final’ expedition, mother,” I said after she dropped the empty glass on the table. “We are children of the Eternal watch. Eternal implies–” “I know what it implies!” she shrieked, sitting up and scowling at me as I recoiled. “You think I don’t know?! We’re out of money, Amore! We’re out of willing volunteers! It’s just you, me, your father’s ashes, and a dead bloodline!” I backed away, as tears ran down my cheeks. “Mother…” “It’s dead!” she laughed. “You’re as good as a mule, Mi Amore!” she said my name in a mocking tone, scowling at me. “Because I finally talked to that damned doctor you’ve had around, and he said you’re going to geld yourself! Well, I forbid it! I won’t lose my only chance at children, even if they’re the last!” I sobbed, covering my mouth with a wing, and looked into her eyes. No matter how poor we might become, she was my only access to money, to medical care. She was my mother. My heart was shattering as I understood the cold anger in her eyes. I turned and I ran. I ran, and I burst out of the front door, and I flew. It had been so long since I’d flown without clothes on, it almost froze me, but the fear and the pain was too much for me to stop myself. So I flew. I found myself at the shore of a pond in a public park, late at night with not another pony in sight. There, I let myself cry. I let myself sob into the fountain and I wondered if there was any version of myself that could be free. If being myself would always mean that I was a prisoner of someone else’s point of view. I was supposed to be the sire of a new generation of Crystal Ponies. It was meaningless to me when I was young, but once I was fourteen my father had explained it to me in more detail. The Eternal Watch was all that was left of the Crystal Empire. It was a bloodline of crystal ponies from long long ago, still struggling to survive long enough to see the Empire return. It all felt too much like the type of daydream that old mares pondered to keep feeling relevant. I just wanted to blend in, to be like everypony else. No… That wasn’t true. Really, I just wanted to be part of the world. Part of the community. I was so tired of being on a pedestal, or on the outskirts. I spread my wings, and I looked skyward, past the peak of Canterlot mountain to the moon above. I launched myself off of the ground and I flew. I was no great flier, but as magic gathered around my feathers I remembered ancient legends of pegusi who dreamed so deeply of another land that they flew there. I remembered stories of pegusi who flew to the moon and back, and I thought… I would fly somewhere that would let me be who I wished. I flew faster and faster, higher than I’d ever been. Magic flashed and roared around me, as the concept in my mind crystalized into a single thought. With whatever magic graced my wings, I would be true to myself. I was a stallion. I was a mare. I was an alicorn. I was something unique. So I found myself standing among the mist and stars, looking around at glimpses of my own life, pivotal moments that defined who I was. Then I saw that standing before me was Princess Luna, Princess of the night, and she looked as surprised to be there as I was.
Ch.4 Setting“Who are you?” I asked her, having never before seen the midnight-blue alicorn. “An expected, if painful, query,” Luna replied, stepping towards me. “But ultimately not of import. Nay, tis only thy identity which matters on this night, young alicorn.” “Young…” I crossed my eyes as I looked up and caught the very tip of a horn sticking out of my forehead. Reverently, and carefully, I reached up and touched it with my hoof. It was real, very very real. So I looked back at the alicorn of the night, tears in my eyes, confusion flooding through me. “Why am I an alicorn?” I finally whispered. “Ah, then thy question reaches the most urgent of conclusions,” Luna said more gently as she sat in front of me. “For it seems the magic of the world hath given thee answers aplenty.” She gestured around me, at all the shimmering memories, all the little moments of my life where I had learned not to take out my pains on others, where I had learned to care for others even though I was struggling to care for myself. I saw Shining Armor there, and the times that he’d gently reminded or shown me that there was more to life than my struggle. I could see my father. I could see him as clearly as if he was alive again. There was no fog or pain in those bright memories as he laughed and showed me how to draw the ancient heart of the Crystal Empire. The heart that would one day become my Cutie Mark. “His lessons bought thy heart the strength necessary to continue on,” Luna remarked, a wing over my back as she guided me through my own history, gesturing with a hoof. “Through a broken home, still carrying nought but the purest intentions for others. Then, it seems that thou hast met a stallion singularly unique by thy reckoning.” Images flowed around us, so many of that white stallion laughing, smiling at me, holding my hoof in reassurance. “You Love Him,” Luna said in a strong commanding tone, as though she was dictating reality. “And yet thou willst not let it show.” “He deserves better,” I whispered, looking away only to see his image again and again. “Thou art an alicorn,” Luna said, using her magic to pull my head back, to look into my eyes. “What else could he deserve beyond a goddess?” “One who could give him foals,” I choked out, as tears spilled down my cheeks. Luna recoiled, shocked and confused, all of the expressions I expected to see on the face of a princess faced with a freak. But instead of changing to revulsion, it faded to amusement, and she laughed. “Don’t laugh at me,” I whispered angrily, trembling as I pondered actually attacking this dark alicorn. “We shall laugh freely at fools,” Luna retorted as she flared her wings and loomed over me, smirking. “Thou hast unbridled magicks beyond our own ken, which could give thy body rebirth in a thousand ways, and yet it suits thee better to pout and ignore them!” I scowled and flared my own wings, trying to feel larger than a weak and scared little pony. But then I felt the magic that had brought me here, and I felt it flow into my wings and horn. The magic that tasted like freedom. In a flash, I was a touch taller and a touch smoother, and I understood. Just like that, I needed no surgeon or potion. I needed no help to be myself, I simply was who I am. “Oh,” I gasped as I looked down at myself. “Oh indeed,” Luna scoffed, folding her wings once again. “What is thy name, young alicorn?” “Mi Amore Cadenza,” I said as I let my wings hang down my sides and touch on my now slimmer figure, stunned by how complete the transformation was. “Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” Luna corrected softly as she bowed to me. “I pray that some night I shall meet you face to face.” Then, in another flash of light and the scattering of stars, I was sat on the clouds far above Canterlot, under the bright moon. The moon shone down on a mare that was aching with completeness. Despite it, I worried over what I might have lost in the change. I thought… Perhaps the magic had stolen my true self, and the uniqueness I had been so afraid of losing in the surgery to come. So I touched on that magic again, and then I was effortlessly the prince that my mother always wanted. As though I had always been him. I laughed, my voice low and deep and rich as chocolate. “I can be him,” I whispered, admiring my subtle strength before I flashed and changed again. “I can be them.” Then another flash, and the sigh of a voice softer than my training had ever managed. “I can be her,” I declared. I was alone, but I did not feel lonely. Nonetheless I spread my wings and I soared down, seeking out and finally landing in front of Shining Armor’s parent’s home. It was nearly midnight, and the lights were all out inside, but I knocked anyway. When Night Light answered, he looked up at me with clear shock. “Cadance, are you alright?” he asked immediately. “I would like to speak with Shining, if he’s available,” I said softly. And Night Light clearly struggled for a moment with the situation, eyes drifting to my horn several times before he nodded and gestured for me to follow him inside. The O&O game was still set up in the living room, Diamond Flight still ready for the next fight. Would he want me to play still, now that I was so different? “You’re not wearing any clothes,” Shining said, freezing at the doorway, uncertain and concerned. I smiled a little, looking down at myself, my horn clearly pointing in my vision. “Oh? I suppose I’m not.” I looked back at him, as he started staring at the horn as well. “Are you okay?” he finally asked. “I’m better than okay,” I whispered. “I would like… if you’d have me, I mean, to be your girlfriend.” He tilted his head in the most adorable way, and smiled, and walked closer to me to find that I now towered over him by a hoof’s width. “Cadance, I would love to be your boyfriend,” he said softly. “If you’d have me.” I kissed him, and then for a moment we rested cheek to cheek. “So uh… how did you become an alicorn?” he finally asked. “I have no bucking idea.” That night as I left their house, I walked out into the night air not to find an empty street but to Princess Celestia sat on the sidewalk, with three royal guards sitting on the other side of the street. I hesitated. Who wouldn’t hesitate if they found their head of state sitting outside of their boyfriend’s house after a midnight tryst? But she didn’t order the guards to seize me, so I walked to the gate and closed it behind me before facing her. “Mi Amore Cadenze,” she said with a smile. “Your Royal Highness,” I whispered, bowing. “Please,” she sighed, gesturing for me to rise. “Call me Celestia. Do you have a nickname you prefer?” I looked into her eyes, trying to understand, trying to comprehend what she wanted from me. But it sort of made sense that she would need to check in on a new alicorn. I didn’t even know that ponies could become alicorns. “Cadance,” I declared. “I like to be called Cadance, your highness… Celestia.” “Cadance,” she nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Cadence. I know this is a bit abrupt, but… did you speak with a blue alicorn tonight? Or perhaps black, it’s hard to know.” I was a bit surprised, not just that she knew of the mystery alicorn, but that she knew I would have spoken with her. “I did,” I nodded. “She… explained that I was an alicorn now. She also sort of berated me a bit for being childish.” Celestia laughed, soft and light, as tears shone in her eyes from the streetlamps. “Oh Luna,” she said softly. “Did she… say anything else?” I wracked my brain, trying to remember the details of the conversation. “She didn’t even say her name,” I admitted. “She wasn’t surprised I didn’t know her name… but didn’t talk about anything but… my life.” Celestia nodded, and lowered her head, closing her eyes as those tears fell to the cobblestones. “She said that she hoped to meet me,” I remembered, blurting it out just as quickly. “She prayed that we would meet face to face.” Celestia looked up at me, then away as she thought, and finally a smile settled on her face even if it was a sad one. “Well then… There’s a chance.”
