How Babies Are Made

"Okay. So that was a failure. What's plaaaaan... E, I think? Curse my math skills... or my alphabetical skills... whichever," said a disgruntled Spike.

"It's E," said Twilight as she sighed, "and I doubt that it's the last plan that we'll be using. Plan E is to figure out if Applejack and her family fails."

While the other three girls were behind chatting about their obsessions and sudden interest in babies, Twilight and Spike trudged along in agony. But they did have occasional moments of doubt; not in that they would find a solution to their baby problem, but that they had been told lies. Twilight's first days that she could remember were those where she had a babysitter. Twilight only saw Spike when he was an egg. Celestia was "unable" to reply with an answer and her reply back to Twilight was short, simple, and discouraging. So it came to both twilight and Spike's mind that they were possibly being lied to about babies. Maybe Celestia knew things that she refused to tell them, they both thought. Perhaps Celestia had both of their memories altered to disremember their infancy. While Spike's mind stopped at that thought, Twilight suddenly began to grow a distrust for the Princess of the Sun.

The rolling hills of Sweet Apple Acres proved to be a tedious trot to the group. When the group reached the barn where Applejack and Big MacIntosh were found just hanging out, they were cordially welcomed with a jug of fresh apple juice, which they had all expected.

Now a bit tired of the entire process, Twilight didn't want to deviate from or complicate anything. So she got right to it.

"We're not here for small talk, friendship, favors, or any other abundance of things," said Twilight sternly with a painfully obvious tired expression on her face.

"Just tell us how babies are made, Applejack," said Rarity.

The entirety of the group, including Big Mac and Applejack, who spat out the apple juice that they made, turned to look at Rarity. Twilight had not exactly planned on it being that simple, but it certainly was efficient and attention-demanding.

"C'mon... spit it out... errr... not the juice. The information on how to make babies." said Rarity, oblivious to all of the eyes around her.

"Weeeeeeelllll... This isn't exactly supposed to be widely known, so don't tell anybody," began Applejack as she looked side-to-side and then gestured for everypony to lean in with her in a small circle.

The group leaned in with her, expecting the most awe-inspiring, magnificent piece of information that they would ever receive.

Spike was drooling and starry-eyed with anticipation.

Twilight was ready to write down notes so fast her notepad and pencil would catch fire.

Rarity was holding her breath just so that she wouldn't scream.

Fluttershy was off chasing and naming animals while, at the same time, getting lost.

Zecora was ready to put together a concoction of words that rhymed so beautifully that everypony would cry from the sheer grace of it all.

"I don't really know," said Applejack.

Right then and there, Twilight socked Applejack a good one with her hoof... in her mind, anyways. In reality, Twilight fell to the ground and heaved a sigh. The likes of which was so distinct and loud that it had never been heard before and it would never be heard again.

The other ponies, and Spike, were saying untranslatable whispers. Fluttershy got in late on the group disappointment session and decided to do what Twilight did, which was fall on the ground and let out a huge sigh. But her sigh was very weak.

"Oh my goodness. Y'all are a bunch 'a childish babies," said Applejack as she looked at the group with harsh eyes.

"I SOOOOOOO wish that I was, Applejack," said Twilight right in Applejack's face as she suddenly got up, "You don't even know."

"Bu-," began Applejack.

"Nope," replied Twilight.

"He-."

"Nuh-uh."

"We-."

"Not even a BIT of knowledge as to how angry I am."

"Now hold on, all 'a y'all. I don't know, but I have my guesses," said Applejack in an attempt to get her firends back on her side.

The group perked up their ears and turned their heads back towards Applejack. They were all prepared to listen, no matter how ridiculous her story might be.

"Now, personally, I can't remember my infancy as well as the next pony might be ab-"

The group then started saying that none of them could remember their infancy and asked her to go on.

"Oh. Well... okay. Anyways. I, like y'all, can't exactly remember being a baby. But I do remember when I first saw Apple Bloom. I'm not sure if she snuck into the tree or was born there or what, but it was my first time attempting to buck a tree and she fell out. At first I was like... 'Whaaaa?' and then I was like... 'Ummmm'... and then I was like... 'Whatever. It obviously must be an apple because it just fell out of this here tree. But this is the ugliest apple I have ever seen.'

"So babies come from trees?" asked Fluttershy as she quickly began to consider living deep within the forest.

"Maybe. As soon as I found a plate, a paper plate that conveniently drifted over to me with a new store-bought smell to it, I put Apple Bloom on it and got in preparation to eat her. But then my parents came along and they said that she was their new baby and they picked her up and we started heading home. So I got back to being like... 'Whaaaa?' and then just had to shrug it off after that. Whenever I attempted to ask my parents about how Apple Bloom got in that tree or where she came from, they couldn't seem to think of anything. They'd be saying stuff like, 'Now Applejack... babies are... uhh... not something to really talk about at your young age,' and I just left it at that."

Twilight, with her newfound thirst to figure out if Celestia had some coverup going on, got to asking questions.

"So we have a repeating theme of forgettful parents who have just claimed that a baby is their baby... Were your parents away when you first found Apple Bloom?"

"I don't think so. I believe that they were at the house when I found Apple Bloom. They went ahead and bought groceries, but it seemed like they took a while longer than often to buy groceries.. I remember them saying that they were going to bring something home and they came back with bags, so I don't believe that they did anything suspicious."

"Were you unaware that a baby was on the way?"

"My parents also said that a surprise was on the way. I didn't know what it was, obviously. They got back home before I bucked Apple Bloom out of the tree, but I was unaware of where they went aside from that they went to the Buck Market. Suddenly, after I got ready to eat Apple Bloom, they came out of nowhere and gave me some scared looks. Probably because I was about to eat a baby, but things were simpler back then... an apple was an apple and a baby was an... apple... I dunno. Anyways, they then brought out the groceries when we finally arrived back home, which I suggested was the surprise. Because I LOOOOVE groceries," said Applejack with a sheepish smile.

"Was this tree that you bucked close to the house?" asked Twilight.

"Pretty close," replied Applejack, "But Apple Bloom is actually a really good climber, believe it or not. It's like she has some sort 'a sticky stuff on her hooves she can climb so well."

The group remained somewhat silent after that. Not even Big MacIntosh had something to say. All that they seemed to do was look down uncomfortably and kick up small amounts of dirt. So something needed to break the silence.

"Well... what do you think that Apple Bloom would have tasted like?" asked Rarity in all seriousness.

"Probably a bit sour, but a juicy sweet after-taste to counteract it... and some mystery flavor like mint or caramel that I'd have at the tip of my tongue as a guess for when I would eat her, but I wouldn't quite be able to put my hoof on it, ya' know? I only say that because she can climb so well. She must have something in her." replied Applejack in all seriousness.

The rest of the group then gave their yeahs and agreed quietly that Apple Bloom would indeed have a mysterious taste to her and that she would be sour, but she would also have some sweet, abundant juice to counteract the sour. Apple Bloom lemonade and Apple Bloom meat sounded all right to most of them, but they all, in the back of their minds, knew that they could not eat Apple Bloom.

"Do you believe that Granny Smith or Big MacIntosh would know anything about the process of making babies?" asked Twilight with a glimmer of hope left in her eyes before she and the rest of the group moved on to Pinkie Pie.

Big Mac got up and thought. Everypony stared at him. They weren't expecting an answer, but he was worth a shot.

"How 'bout it, Big Mac?" asked Applejack.

"Eeeeeyyyuuu..." the group leaned in on him, "....mmmmmmm..." they all prepared for it, "...nnnnope." The group then proceeded to sigh and slowly started to head over to the house where Granny Smith was.

The group got to the house and Twilight rang the door bell. She waited as patiently as she could, but she started jumping in place a little bit.

"Done with work already? Well I will be darned. I wasn't expecting company!" said Granny Smith with that signature smile and welcoming tone as she opened the door.

"Know anything about babies?" said Twilight with as blank an expression and as emotionless a voice as she could muster.

"We-well no," said Granny Smith with a look of worry in her eyes.

"Mmkay." Twilight closed the door right in front of Granny Smith's face and then proceeded to head to Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and Big Mac decided to tag along even thought they had work to do. The allure of solving the mystery of how babies were magically made was too much to resist.