In Which Sombra Grapples With an Apparatus as Evil as He

It was approved.

It was approved.

IT WAS APPROVED!

He was free. He was free of that nightmare labyrinth of specificity, of waiting, of endless forms upon endless forms, of inane busywork. Sombra nearly danced a jig as he approached the Crystal Palace (he was after jigs), but that was Most Unbecoming someone of His Stature, who deserved Important Capital Letters. Not even his best evil laugh would save it. He settled for holding his head high and striding with a purpose. Almost as cathartic and infinitely more dignified. All he needed was for a very special somepony to hold up her end of the bargain.

And, oh, what luck! Soon-To-Be-Ex-Princess Cadance was standing in the space below the Palace, talking with Discord and (shudder) Red Tape about… oh, what did he care? He’d crush them all the same once his approval was complete.

Just as Discord stepped away from Cadance, Sombra stepped up. “The form, as you requested, Your Highness,” he said, presenting the form. He even found it in himself to bow grandiloquently. It’d be one of the last things she saw, after all. “I ask you to sign it.”

Cadance hardly reacted. Shock, most likely. She glanced at the paper, then said, “Are you sure you want to do that?”

“Obviously.”

(Sombra was before Ogres & Oubliettes.)

To her credit, Cadance filled out the form with none of the expected nervousness. Even Celestia would shake a little. But Cadance was steady as she passed her death warrant back to Sombra. He gave it a quick glance to be sure she hadn’t snuck in some last-minute inkblot to befoul his perfect work. But she hadn’t, obviously too smart to even think of attempting such a thing. For once.

And that was that.

Satisfaction began filling Sombra from head to hoof. It was done. It was over. The great work was complete. Smiling like a vulture, he turned to Red Tape and passed over the paper. “And I believe,” he said triumphantly, “that that restores me to your proper place as king.”

He was in a position he’d never been in before. Previously, his rule had always had some pushback from Equestria, as if slavery was bad or something. It was hard, consolidating your power, when demigods kept insisting on showing up unannounced. But now? Oh, the transfer of power had been entirely legal. Celestia couldn’t object, for it had all been done by the book! At this point, that one student of hers would probably support him. He’d followed the regulations, after all, and she was a stickler for-

Red Tape cleared her throat. “Sir, Cadance isn’t the person whose signature you needed. This form is invalid.”

Sombra hadn’t had his ecstasy drowned this thoroughly since he’d heard his parents had survived the house fire. His joints creaking, he slowly turned to face Red Tape. “I… beg your pardon?” he said in a voice that had no business being anywhere near begging and certainly wouldn’t have spared any alms if it were.

“Cadance isn’t the person whose signature you needed. This form is invalid,” Red Tape repeated.

“She is Princess. Cadance,” snarled Sombra. “I made a deal with her. Or did she stop being princess in the time since then?”

“Yes!” Cadance said, smiling. “As of two minutes ago, I’m not the Crystal Princess anymore.”

“I aaaaaaaaam!” singsonged Discord, which was impressive when he only had two syllables to singsong with. “Behold!” And he whipped out a disturbingly familiar form.

“I never actually said I would hand over control to you,” Cadance said. “I just told you to fill out the form properly.”

“And it’s hardly her fault that your info is out of date.” Discord grabbed Sombra and gave him a noogie. “You silly goose, you!”

“You…” Sombra’s brain chugged to life as it thought about someone other than himself. The effort made it sob, but it forged on valiantly. “You two planned this,” he gasped, staring between Cadance and Discord. He couldn’t even muster up the effort to break free of Discord’s grasp. “All along. You… tricked me into… jumping through all those hoops knowing it would be USELESS!”

“Well, obviously,” said Discord cheerfully. “Did you really presume I was going through all that bureaucratic chicanery for fun? It’s so… orderly.” He shuddered as Cadance giggled like the filly she was and not some princess adept at manipulation that she certainly wasn’t.

Sombra’s eye twitched. -he’d made a promise he’d made a promise he’d made a promise- He forced his way free. Red Tape still had his useless-

Wait. Not useless. He could salvage this. He snatched his forms back and scratched out all of Cadance’s information. He shoved them at Discord. “I made a deal,” he said quickly. “I fill out these forms properly and leadership is passed. You are leader of the Empire. The deal has fallen to you. Fulfill it.”

Cadance and Discord looked at each other. “Are you sure you want to do that?” Discord said, smirking.

But Sombra had nearly reached retail levels of not caring. “Do it!”

And Discord immediately filled out every space necessary. Sombra looked them over with the frenzied anger of one who had the end of their rope wave farewell ages past. Yet everything seemed in order. He shoved the paper, now more wrinkled than the oldest earth pony, at Red Tape. “Here,” he said, nearly giggling. “As request-”

“Sir, I can’t accept this. This form has clearly been illegally modified and I cannot verify its veracity.”

Sombra could feel himself develop a subconjunctival hemorrhage. The blood spreading across his eye would certainly be menacing, but menace was among the last things he needed at the moment. As he advanced on an unmoving Red Tape, Sombra spat out words like an active volcano spat out lava. “Are… you saying… that the form I gave you… is utterly worthless?”

Yet Red Tape didn’t swat an eyelash, much less bat an eye. “Yes.”

The fire of Sombra’s ire could’ve fed a thousand forges. “Are. You. Saying. That. I. Need. To. Go. Through. That. Whole. Process. Again?!”

Red Tape would’ve impressed the Canterhorn with how unmoving she was. “Yes.”

“THEY SHALL NEVER FIND YOUR REMAINS! I WILL REND YOUR BONES FROM YOUR FLESH AND GRIND THEM TO DUST! YOUR MIND ITSELF SHALL BE SPLIT ASUNDER! PONIES AGES HENCE SHALL SHUDDER TO EVEN THINK OF YOUR NAME FOR FEAR OF THE THINGS I WILL DO TO YOU! I WILL WIPE YOUR BLOODLINE FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND THE LIFE OF EVERY LAST RELATION YOU HAVE SHALL BE EXTINGUISHED!”

“Sir, before you do that, you’ll need to fill out form A.”

Sombra waited. Red Tape didn’t continue. “A…?” he prompted.

“Just A,” said Red Tape. “We knew it’d be a popular form, so that was the first one we created.”

“Very. Well.” Sombra’s voice was somewhere in the range of Canterlot Castle being pushed across a field of granite. “Tell me, where can I find this form A?”

“If you’ll follow me, sir, I can show you-”

“Now, wait a moment, Sombra,” Cadance said blithely. “You remember the other half of our agreement, don’t you?”

“I. Do. What. Of. It?”

“Remember how you said you wouldn’t harm any of the crystal ponies?”

“So what?” snapped Sombra. “It was just words, nothing official-”

And suddenly Red Tape changed.

Physically, nothing was different. But now the world was focused on her, much like it focused on Celestia or Luna when they walked into a room. She was indisputably, unignorably there, demanding attention on a metaphysical level nopony could fully identify. She radiated a cold and calculating yet rabid fury as only an expressionless mare could. It seemed the strength of her self-control was the only thing keeping her from pounding Sombra into gravy right that second. “You ought to know, sir,” Red Tape said, spitting out the final word like the world’s most horrific invective, “that verbal contracts are just as binding as written ones. It is unwise that you attempted to use me to break a contract.”

Cadance and even Discord were pulling away from Red Tape; Sombra found himself rooted to the spot, unable to move any part of his body a single inch. Every single one of his bodily functions was going into overdrive; his heartbeat would put a hummingbird’s to shame. He wanted to say he was before verbal contracts, but the lie threatened to commit suicide and take him with it. If ever he had made a mistake in his life, it was this. (As well as not killing the Bearers when he had the chance, or killing Cadance when he had the chance, or not making his mind-control helmets stronger, or-)

“So.” Red Tape pulled out the Pen. For the first time, Sombra could hear that its runes shrieked with the cries of the condemned and the whines of the unaccredited. “Do you know what time it is?”

Sombra gulped, the sensation utterly alien to his body. He put up his strongest shield, one that felt on the same level as the world’s strongest rice paper. “Hammer Time?”

Red Tape pulled the Pen back for the windup. “Bingo.”

The Pen plowed through the shield and slammed into Sombra with a force a fully-loaded freight train traveling at rainboom speeds would find excessive. He was blown through the wall and cartwheeled gracefully through the air, friction leaving behind a magnificent plume of plasma and an awful lot of property damage in his wake. His mind was vaporized before his body was.

Cadance and Discord watched Sombra sail across the horizon. Once the newborn comet had passed out of sight, Cadance said, “When you said you’d brought Sombra back to life as a present, I expected a lot worse than that.”

“And here are the pictures I promised.” Discord smirked. “Happy birthday, Gradient Bubblegum. Now…” He plucked Cadance’s crown from her mane and slipped it on like an armband. “For my first act as Princess of the Crystal Empire, I shall-”

Red Tape cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t let you do that.” She pulled out the paperwork. “You see, you clearly signed several forms ‘Discord’, whereas you stated your name was ‘Ms. I’m Feeling Contrary Today and Would Prefer to be Called That Instead Please Thank You’. As such, while its presence on your 9941-M means that is what your title shall be, every other sheaf of paper bearing the former signature is invalid. You have no legislative authority yet until you fill out the relevant forms properly.”

“Oh, come ooooooooon,” whined Discord, “you know that was just to annoy him. Can’t you bend the rules a little just this once?”

Red Tape hefted the Pen.

Discord gulped. “I’ll get right on it.”