Scam Your Heart Away

Filthy Rich sighed, tapping his hoof against the table. He looked into his cheaply made drink, his ears twitching at the smooth jazz around him.

Ding!

A bell rang, snapping Filthy Rich back to attention. He straightened his posture, quickly adjusting his tie. A smile that said, ‘Come talk to me, I’m single!’ was spread on his face. He kept his eyes wide and alert, searching for his next potential suitor.

A purple pegasus plopped in front of him, an overenthusiatic smile on her face. She squinted, getting a good look at the stallion's face. Her smile spread bigger, and her eyes grew wide.

“Oh my Celestia! You’re Filthy, right? Owner of Barnyard Bargains?” She asked. Filthy Rich grimaced.

“Yes. And it’s Mr. Ri-”

Oh. My. Celestia!” The mare interrupted, her wings fluttering excitedly. “I always wanted to date a rich stallion!”

Filthy Rich held back a grimace, coarsely clearing his throat.

“Is that right?” He asked through gritted teeth.

“Oh, where are my manners? I’m Flitter! And you’re Filthy, but you already knew that!” She lunged across the table, gripping Filthy’s hooves into hers. She shook them erratically, his arm quickly going numb.

“I’ve read all of your magazines and watched all your interviews!” She blabbered, still yanking his hoof to and fro. If she kept it up any longer, Filthy would consider gnawing his arm off.

“You’re the richest stallion in Ponyville!” She stated the obvious. An excited gasp left her lips. “If we get married, then I’ll be the richest mare in Ponyville! Wouldn't that be so exciting!?”

Ding!

“Oh man, times up already?” Flitter pouted, finally letting go of Filthy’s arm. She looked back at Filthy Rich, giving him a sly wink. “Call me.” She whispered as she sauntered away. Filthy Rich deflated in his seat, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

He rubbed his hooves together, trying to regain the feeling in his hoof. That mare had no class. He shuddered at the thought of dating someone so…uncouth. Whoever was next couldn’t be as bad as her.

A pinkish-purple mare stumbled forward, a goofy grin on her face. She walked as if she had four left hooves. Between her teeth, she held a glass bottle.

Filthy Rich recognized her, the local drunk. Her name was Berry Punch, if he recalled correctly. She thudded in front of Filthy Rich, nearly knocking the table over.

Berry Punch gurgled, drool spilling onto the table. Filthy Rich tried his best not to recoil. He had no right to judge. What if she was more than she seemed?

“...Hello?” Filthy Rich wearily greeted with a tilt of the head. Berry Punch looked up, a dumb smile plastered onto her face.

“I’m just here for the drinks.” Berry Punch slurred, popping the wine bottle open. She tilted her head back, guzzling the bottle.

Of course, she was. Filthy noted how she was always first when he stocked up on wine. As disgusted as Filthy Rich wanted to be, he was rather impressed that she could get through a bottle of wine that fast.

She popped her head up, the cheap wine dribbling down her chin. Her eyes wandered to the drink in front of the stallion. Berry Punch reached across the table, sliding her hoof across Filthy’s glass.

“You don’t mind, do you?” She asked. Before he had to answer, she had already gulped it down. Filthy grimaced. That didn’t even have alcohol in it!

Ding!

“Byeeee Dirty Wealth.” Berry Punch sang, stumbling off.

“It’s Filthy Rich.” He huffed, slamming his hoof across the table. The nerve of that mare!

Part of him wanted to give up and call it a night. But a businessman doesn’t give up on one bad offer. He just had to push through. There had to be one good pony in this town.

Everypony in this town was absolutely horrendous! Filthy Rich had been here for two hours, twenty-seven minutes, and thirty-two seconds (trust him, he counted), and he still hadn’t found anyone.

What was wrong with these ponies? It was just one country bumpkin complaining after the next; Divorce, breakups, it was exhausting! And if they weren’t complaining, they were gushing over how rich he was! Did these ponies have no class?

Filthy Rich groaned, burying his face between his hooves. He had been here for half the night, and no one came close to piquing his interest.

Maybe dating wasn’t for him. He was getting up there in age, after all.

Filthy Rich sighed. It was time to cut his losses and go home. Filthy Rich dug in the collar of his tie, pulling out a gold-plated pocket watch. It was getting late. He had told Diamond Tiara that he would be home by now. She must’ve still been up, waiting for him.

“Is this seat taken?” Someone asked, snapping Filthy from his sorrows. A yellow unicorn stallion stood before him, a kind smile on his face. As much as Filthy Rich wanted to up and leave, he had to admit that this stallion was handsome.

How he held himself, his clothes, his apple-red mane with snow-white stripes; it all seemed so intriguing to Filthy. And his mustache…by Celestia, his mustache was glorious. He didn’t look like any stallion he had seen around these parts.

It wouldn’t kill him to try one more time.

“Go right ahead.” Filthy challenged. The stallion sat down, carefully eyeing Filthy Rich.

“Well, aren’t you a dashing fellow?” He teased. Filthy straightened his posture, a small forming.

“I’m glad somebody finally noticed.” Filthy sighed in relief. Flam only smiled wider, reaching for the stallion's hoof.

“Flam’s the name, and charming is my game,” Flam said, pressing a kiss on Filthy’s hoof. Filthy’s heart sped up. Well, this is different.

Flam leaned into his hooves, a dashing smile appearing. Filthy Rich adjusted his tie.

“Pardon my French, but I was beginning to think there was no class in this town. You know how to treat a stallion.” Filthy chuckled. Flam wiggled his shoulders with pride.

“Well, that’s where I’m different. I’m from Canterlot. The ‘Big Apple!’”

Filthy tilted his head.

“I thought Manehatten was the Big Apple?”

“No, no, that’s the Big Pear. Common mistake.”

Filthy slowly nodded. Flam leaned closer to the stallion, tilting his head.

“So, what does a fine stallion such as yourself do for a living?” Flam asked. Someone was finally asking about him? Well, this just had to be a dream come true!

“Weeeeell, I run a business right here in Ponyville.” Filthy smirked. Flam gasped, throwing his hoof to his mouth.

“What a coincidence! I run a business, too!”

“Is that right?”

“Mhm! Right in Las Pegasus!”

Filthy Rich had to admit, he was impressed. A stallion who didn’t know who he was and a businessman? He hit the jackpot.

Ding!

Was time up already? Filthy could’ve sworn they had more time. Flam glanced at the next table before giving Filthy a sly look.

“Well, I better get going. Plenty of other ponies to talk to.” Flam stood up, beginning his departure. Filthy’s hooves worked faster than his body, lunging to Flam's arm. His grip was tight, nearly causing Flam to stumble.

“Don’t go.” He whimpered a little too pathetically for his liking. Filthy Rich cleared his throat, adjusting his tie.

“I think we should talk some more.” He added. Flam smiled, playfully shrugging.

“Well, if you insist,” Flam said, sitting back down. Filthy Rich’s heart sped up. He lifted his hoof, flagging down a waiter.

“Excuse me! I’d like to get some breadsticks.” He looked back at Flam. “And some menus while you’re at it.”

Filthy Rich and Flam exited the restaurant, laughing to each other. Filthy Rich wiped a tear from his eye, tapering his laugh off with a sigh.

“Oh, Mr. Flam, I had such a wonderful time with you.” Filthy Rich giggled wistfully.

“I have to say, you’re quite the charmer yourself.” Flam complimented back.

“It’s getting late, I should get going.” Filthy Rich said. “Have a good night, Mr. Flam!”

Flam waved goodbye as he watched the businessman depart. He stared as Filthy Rich slowly disappeared into the horizon until he was just a little speck.

“Alright, he’s gone,” Flam announced to the bushes. With a quick rustle, Flim flopped from the greenery. He shook like a dog, leaves flying off his body.

“Couldn’t you have chosen a seat closer to the window? I could barely hear the conversation.” He scolded. Flim annoyingly pawed at his ear. “I think I got stuck in here”

“He was already near the door! I couldn’t just ask him to change seats.” Flam defended. Flim huffed, picking a branch from his mane.

“Did you at least get his attention?” Flim asked eagerly. Flam playfully rolled his eyes.

“Who do you think I am? Of course, I got his attention. We have a rendezvous in the park tomorrow.” Flam said in a matter-of-fact tone.

He stuck his tongue out, beginning to rummage through his shirt pocket. “I also got this!” Flam held out the gold-plated watch. Flim stared at the watch in awe.

“That looks like it could be worth a fortune.” Flim marveled. Flam nodded.

“The sucker didn’t even notice that I nabbed it!” He boasted. Flim leaned in closer, wrapping his arm around his brother's shoulder.

“You remember the plan, right?”

“First take his heart, then his career!” Flam recided. Flim nodded in agreement.

“And when you break his sad, little heart, he’ll be too weak to fight for his business!” Flim continued. The brothers cackled into the night sky.

It was the perfect plan.