Night Light looked out the window of his hotel room. The unicorn stallion had traveled very far from home, to attend an international astronomy conference. Ironically, the big city's sky was so flooded with artificial light, he could barely see stars.
He sighed. If he couldn't admire the night sky, he'd have to do something else this evening.
After seeing a stack of brochures on his room's nightstand, he picked up the phone.
"Hello?" he said. "I'd like you to send me an escort."
***
Option #1
The human world offered many novel sights and experiences which, to a pony, seemed very exotic.
Night Light left his room and went downstairs, to stand on the sidewalk outside. He didn't want his 'Escort' to have trouble finding him.
The automobile, manufactured by Ford Motor Co, pulled up to the curb. One window was already rolled down.
"Hello," said the human driver. "I understand you'd like to feel some EXOTIC HORSEPOWER, if you know what I mean."
"Yes," Night Light agreed. "I would."
Night Light showed his brand new Learner's Permit, got behind the wheel, and drove cautiously and safely through the city, never breaking any laws or exceeding the speed limit.
His vehicle's delivery driver, now the passenger, uttered many flirty remarks and sexy double entendres. She tried stroking his limbs and shoulders with her hands, and finally resorted to asking him bluntly, "Is it true Equestrian ponies are hung like horses?"
"No," Night Light said. "In Equestria, the death penalty is illegal."
Night Light never did catch on.
***
Option #2
Night Light looked over the brochure, which was so thick it was really more of a booklet at least. He'd never imagined an 'escort service' would offer so many options. It went on for dozens of pages!
He stopped at a page that offered 'Exotic species play: Have fun with types of creatures that few ponies have ever even seen.'
His eye settled on one particular choice. "Now THIS," he said. "This is so unusual it's worth it, even for two hundred bits."
He picked up the room phone, dialed a number, and put in his order.
Half an hour later, the phone rang. When he answered, a scratchy whisper said, "Open the door."
Night Light put his eye to the door's peephole, but saw no visitor.
Night Light opened the door anyway, just in case. He found a bucket of lime flavored jelly dessert, with a note on top.
pretend this is the smooze
***
Option #3
Somepony knocked on the hotel room's door.
When Night Light opened the door, in the hallway he found a mare. She wore a lot of makeup, a short, sexy black dress, and matching fishnet hose.
"You have to understand," Night Light said, "I'm not used to this kind of thing. I mean...I really love my wife. But I guess...I just feel like maybe, I want, want to..." He swallowed nervously.
"To try something new?" the mare asked, stepping into the doorway. "Something different?"
"Um..." he said. His throat felt so dry, he could barely speak.
The mare put one forehoof on his shoulder, and pulled him close. "Do you find me attractive? She winked. "Do you find a dirty whorse like me so sexy that you would rent a hotel room and embarrass yourself by calling an outcall escort service, just so you could plow me like a farmer's field?"
Night Light blushed. "Yes," he said. "You're the most beautiful mare I've ever seen. I would do anything to share a bed with you, even for just one night."
The mare pushed Night Light backwards into the room, and kicked one rear leg to slam the door shut. She pushed Night Light farther back, until he tripped and fell onto the bed. The mare climbed onto the bed, her legs straddling the stallion.
The stallion began to speak a single word. "Twi--"
"DAMNIT!" the mare shouted. "Don't say that name! It just RUINS the slutty professional escort sex with a stranger roleplay mood, you know?"
"I'm sorry, Velvet," Night Light croaked.
The mare reached behind her back, to pull a short whip from her dress. "Don't worry," she said, grinning wickedly. "I'll just punish you. I'll be giving you the SPECIAL service, with the cuffs and chains."
Night Light nodded. He reached up to let his wife, Twilight Velvet, put hoofcuffs on him. "Yes, Mistress. I wouldn't have it any other way."
***
Option #4
When he opened his hotel room's door to the hallway, Night Light saw a green pegasus stallion, who wore his blonde mane in a 'stallion bun.' The pegasus entered the room.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Night Light wondered aloud.
"I'm sure you don't," the stubbly-faced pegasus said.
"No. I think you're...a friend of a friend of my daughter's. Does the name 'Twilight Sparkle' ring a bell?"
The pegasus stallion laughed. "Everypony knows who Princess Twilight Sparkle is."
Now it was the unicorn astronomer's turn to laugh, at himself. "You're right. Even now, I still can't quite get used to that. I honestly always thought my daughter would grow up to be just a scholarly bookworm. Only a very few ponies would even know who she was."
The stubble-faced pegasus cocked his head. "Even though Twilight's become a princess, Rainbow says she's still a good librarian. Very well organized."
Night stared at the pegasus. "You know Rainbow Dash! Now I'm SURE I know you from somewhere. But I don't think I've ever seen you with her. Strange how memory can sometimes fail us."
"I can't stand to watch you struggle like this. I'm Fluttershy's brother, Zephyr Breeze. I was sent by the service you called."
"Of course!" Night Light said. "The service!"
"So if you'll sit down," Zephyr said, "I can get started."
"Of course. I need to sit down. That's the usual way this is done, huh?" Night Light pulled a chair away from the room's table, and sat.
"Sitting down helps," Zephyr agreed. "Considering that if you wiggle too much, you might get an extra bit of service you haven't paid for." Zephyr laid his bag of supplies on the tabletop, and pulled out a cloth which he tied around Night's neck.
"An extra service?"
Zephyr pulled a comb and pair of scissors from his bag. Using his lips, he strapped each tool to one of his hooves. "Yes," he joked, "please sit still. We don't want you to lose an eartip."
Night stared at one of Zephyr's hooves, looking frightened. "What are the SCISSORS for?"
"Well, they aren't for cutting off your ears." Finally, Zephyr fully noticed Night's expression. "I'm sorry! It was just a joke. When you were a colt, didn't you ever have a barber tell you if you didn't sit still during your manecut, they might cut an ear off by mistake?"
"No," Night said. He blushed. "I didn't know I was calling a barbering service at all."
Zephyr looked at the brochure laying on the table. "Son of a...I mean, my boss tried it AGAIN."
"Tried what?"
Zephyr read the brochure aloud. "'WILD STALLION PERSONAL SERVICES, WE DELIVER PLEASURABLE CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.' My boss thinks if he puts brochures in hotels that make our manestyling service sound like a DIFFERENT kind of service, we'll get customers who will be too embarrassed to demand a refund."
Night Light grimaced. "Well, I'M certainly embarrassed."
Zephyr nodded. "I don't get it, Mister Light. I mean, I don't really know you, not directly, but I've heard about your family through your daughter's friends. I hear you're a very...respectable pony. Why would you call me if it wasn't for a manecut?"
Night Light took a deep breath. "My wife is leaving me."
"What?"
"She says, I'm not as loving as other stallions. I mean, I tell her I love her practically every day. I kiss her, I hug her, I...well, other things too, from time to time. But she says...she says she hears from other mares that their stallions know how to do things that I don't do. She says she doesn't think I COULD learn how to do them. She says, 'Night Light, you're a very sweet pony, but you just don't have it.'"
"Don't have WHAT?"
"I don't know! If only I knew the answer to that. But I don't. I don't even know what she wants!"
Zephyr shook his head. "Stal, that sucks. She should at least TRY to explain what she means. And if her first try at explaining fails, she should try again."
"She's...a very adventurous mare. I'm afraid I'm just not exciting enough for her. But...if I could learn what some other stallions have, what some other stallions can do..."
Zephyr stared at the middle-aged astronomer. "What you're telling me is...you called a male escort service because you want some disreputable, sleazy stallion who knows a LOT about sex to teach you how to make wild, crazy love to your wife."
Night sobbed. "It's ridiculous, isn't it? But whenever I think about losing my wife, it makes me feel pathetic and weak and helpless. I really would do anything."
Zephyr hugged Night. He nuzzled Night's face. "Don't worry, my stal. I can think of something. WE'LL think of something."
After a moment, Night nuzzled Zephyr back. "Thank you."
When Zephyr's lips touched Night's neck, the unicorn inhaled suddenly, a little gasp. But he didn't say to stop.
He held the pegasus tighter.
Adding Anon to a Story Makes It Better and More Popular, Right?
Option #5 (Just Add Anon)
When Night Light heard a grunt from the pillow beside his own, he woke up with a start.
A flat green face met Night Light's eyes. But thank Celestia, at least its own eyes were closed.
No, Night Light thought. This can't be happening. There's no possible way--
The green creature's eyes opened. "Hello, sunshine! What a beautiful morning!"
Night Light looked around the room. He saw dark suit trousers, draped over a lampshade. A matching jacket lay across the floor. A tie and white dress shirt festooned a chair and a light fixture.
"No," Night Light said. "I can't believe it."
"Believe it, babe!" The green creature sat up, the sheet sliding down off its chest.
Night Light stared. On the creature's chest, a pair of pasties supported one tassel each. The creature flexed its chest muscles. "Admiring my little decorations? You sure seemed fascinated by them last night." It grinned.
"How could I possibly have done...what it seems I did?"
The creature gently patted Night Light through the sheets. "Ever since I started Human Stripper Service, a LOT of ponies have been doing what you did."
Night Light grimaced. Then he had a thought. "Names."
"What?"
"Names. Who are these ponies?"
"Why? Do you want to find other ponies as freaky as you are?"
"I just...want to know." He remembered something the creature had said, yesterday evening, before Night Light offered to pay it fifty bits, before Night Light humiliated and degraded himself. "Did Twilight Velvet really hire you to strip for her? Did you really sleep with her? Did she really say you were the best in bed of anypony she'd ever had?"
The creature put a hand on its chin. "Twilight Velvet...Twilight Velvet. No."
"What? What do you mean, no?"
"No. They say in my home world, 'fake it to make it.' So I faked it. I told you an Equestrian Princess had paid me to strip for her, and paid me to have sex with her. I thought if I said that, ponies would hire me. And it worked, didn't it?" The creature smiled proudly. "See? Humans are clever. You ponies could learn a lot from us."
Night Light replied, "You utter dingus. You nincompoop. Last night, you said you'd worked for Twilight VELVET. If you'd meant to say you'd been hired by a PRINCESS, you got her name wrong. Twilight SPARKLE is a princess. Twilight VELVET is my WIFE."
"Oh. I said I'd had sex with your wife? Sorry about that. I didn't mean to make you mad."
Night Light sighed. His horn lit up, and a soft glow of magic wreathed the room's window latch. The window opened. "I have an idea," Night Light said. "This hotel room has a great view. You want to see it? No point in wasting any of the room's amenties."
The creature tossed its covering bedsheets aside. Night Light looked at what had been exposed, and shook his head. He thought, I can't believe I slept with THAT. How drunk did I have to get myself, to go through with it? How desperate did I have to feel, hoping that WEIRD CREATURE could show me how to get my wife excited in the bedroom again? He snarled. But that creature's story was just a LIE!
The unicorn's horn glowed more brightly, and the green, mostly naked bipedal creature rose into the air.
Its green lips opened. "Hey, Night Bright or whatever your name is? I can walk on my own. You don't have to help me--"
Night Light's magic levitation tossed the creature out the window.
Blearily, the unicorn slid out of bed. He shuffled to the window.
Tenth story room, he thought. When I checked in, the deskpony said it has a great view.
Night Light looked down at the street, far below.
He nodded with satisfaction. Sometimes, a hotel amenity is worth every bit and more.
Addendum
One day a world-weary horsewords writer remarked
Night Light calling an escort service only to have Twilight showing up at his hotel room. i have heard this story in so many different forms
I started making jokes like
Night Light calling an escort service only to have Twilight Velvet showing up at his hotel room.
Talk about complicated couple roleplay 🙂
Author's Note
If you're looking for parody groups or events, you could try This Can't Possibly Be a T-Rated Striptember Event Or Contest, Because That Would Just Be Ridiculous.
