11: The Upside-Down Ponies of Oklahoma

Gribble's Log
Location: Ponyville Schoolhouse
Day 7
Contd.

I journey deeper and deeper into the heart of the labyrinth. By now it has become clear that this planet is controlled by forces so sinister that it would shock even the puppeteers that govern my home world. The youth of this world are fed audacious lies to keep them ignorant and pliable; lies that were no doubt crafted by the two evil Princesses from their fortress in a place called Canterlot.

And yet... what if it's not all lies? The suggestion that ponies can control the weather at first glance seems absurd, and yet just this morning I watched a blue pegasus move clouds around the sky, seemingly at will. If weather manipulation is truly something of which the horse-people are capable, then the complete terraforming of Earth may not be far off. Most likely, the resources of the horse planet have been mined to depletion, and Celestia needs to invade and colonize other worlds in order to perpetuate her brutal galactic regime.

The cyborg, the one called "Silver Spoon," may have valuable information stored in her memory banks. I need to gain access.

"Uh, Mr. Rusty? Class is over."

I looked up from my scribbling to see Apple Bloom standing beside my desk, watching me curiously. I glared at her, and stuffed the notebook back into my pocket. She scratched the back of her neck with a forehoof and cleared her throat.

"So, uh, anyway, we usually go back to our clubhouse to search for our cutie marks after school. You're welcome to join us, if you want."

"Cutie marks, eh..."

I stood up and glanced around. The bell had just rung, but the schoolhouse had emptied out rather quickly. There was no sign of Diamond Tiara and her little cyborg friend. I'd been focused on my writing, so they had probably taken advantage of the distraction and slipped past me. I'd have to catch up to them later.

Meanwhile, the little yellow filly was looking eagerly up at me with those big, weird, bulbous eyes of hers. Even the most battle-hardened soldier of fortune would have had a hard time saying no to that face, and in any event a plan was beginning to take shape in my mind. I needed someone... no, somepony, that I could trust, and so far these three seemed like the best option I had.

I nodded, and followed Apple Bloom out to the schoolyard. Her two friends were waiting underneath the oak tree where we'd eaten lunch.

We made our way south along the old dirt road that led away from the town, thick apple orchards closing in on all sides, isolating us. Sweetie Belle still seemed to be in a bad mood, and was pointedly ignoring me. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo trotted a few paces ahead, chattering gaily about the day's lesson.

So young, so naive, I thought to myself. Not a care in the world, completely oblivious to what's right in front of their eyes.

It almost felt like a crime to shatter that innocence, but I had no choice.

When we'd gotten far enough away from the school that I was certain we'd be out of surveillance range, I stopped suddenly in my tracks.

"Your government is lying to you," I said.

The three fillies stopped their chatter and turned to look at me. I pulled my last asparagus stalk out of the pack and lit it.

"What government? What are you talking about?"

Sweetie Belle sounded annoyed, but I thought I saw a gleam of curiosity in her eye. That was a good sign. I took a deep puff, and then exhaled.

"Think about it. Your teacher just told us that the sun and moon move by magic, right?"

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo exchanged a confused look.

"Well, yeah, o'course," said Apple Bloom. "Princess Celestia raises the sun and Princess Luna raises the moon. Everypony knows that."

She looked to her friends for confirmation, and they both nodded.

Poor, ignorant little fillies.

I just hoped the truth wouldn't break them.

"Do you have any idea how heavy the sun is?" I demanded. "It probably weighs thousands of pounds. Even if you had a tractor beam powerful enough to move it around, it'd probably screw up your planet's orbit. Granted, the moon would probably be a lot easier to move, but it would still have a pretty bad effect on the tides if you did."

All three fillies scrunched up their brows in unison. They stared blankly at each other, then blankly back at me.

"Tides?" said Apple Bloom.

"Orbut?" said Scootaloo. "You mean like... the sound a frog makes?"

She made a low croaking sound in the back of her throat, which made Apple Bloom giggle. Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle huffed and pointed her front hoof up at the sky.

"The sun is right up there," she said. "I don't know how much it weighs, but there it is, just moving across the sky, like it does every day."

I took another puff.

"And you think this 'Princess Celestia' is the one moving it?"

"Well, yeah," said Apple Bloom. "I mean, how else would it move?"

The other two nodded sagely, as if this were the most sensible thing they'd ever heard.

"So the Princess just sits there, all day, moving the sun around?" I pressed. "She doesn't do anything else? When does she sleep?"

From the look Sweetie Belle gave me, you'd think I'd just pulled out a bowl of crickets and started eating them with a spoon.

"Um... at night? When everypony else goes to sleep?"

"Yeah," added Apple Bloom. "I mean, the sun's gone at night, so she doesn't really need to move it again until morning."

"So then what does she do when she has to eat?" I asked. "Or go to the bathroom? Does the sun just stop moving until she's finished?"

Scootaloo was scratching her chin and staring thoughtfully into the distance.

"Huh, that's actually a pretty good question," she mused. "Maybe we should ask Miss Cheerilee about that tomorrow..."

Sweetie Belle scoffed at that.

"You're going to ask Miss Cheerilee what happens to the sun when Princess Celestia goes to the bathroom?"

Scootaloo reddened slightly.

"Well, I mean..."

This conversation was beginning to go off-track. I cleared my throat.

"So then, where does the sun go every night when the Princess lowers it, huh?"

"Uh... under the ground I guess?"

Sweetie Belle looked to Apple Bloom, who could only shrug helplessly.

"And it just sits there for hours and hours, in one place? Until Celestia wakes up and raises it again? Don't the ponies on the other side of the world ever wonder why it's always either high noon or nighttime?"

The three fillies looked genuinely puzzled now.

"There are... ponies... on the other side of... the ground?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"How would that even work?" asked Scootaloo. "I mean, do they walk upside down, or..."

She trailed off, frowning, looking lost in thought again.

"Hey, maybe that's where Oklahoma is!" exclaimed Apple Bloom.

"Hey, yeah!" Scootaloo's face brightened. "That would explain why Mr. Rusty's so tall!"

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"Well, I mean... here, watch this!"

She spat suddenly at a neaby tree. The glob caught one of the branches and dangled, swaying gently in the breeze. She pointed proudly at it with her hoof.

"See how it gets longer and longer the lower it gets?" she asked. "That's probably how it works in Oklahoma. It's because of that thing... you know, what Miss Cheerilee was talking about last week? I forget what she called it..."

"Oh yeah, what was that thing called...?" Apple Bloom scrunched up her brow. "Grabbity?"

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes again.

"Gravity," she corrected.

"Gravity," repeated Apple Bloom. "Right."

Scootaloo's loogie, still dangling from the tree branch, snapped in two. We all watched as it hit the ground with a soft plop.

Apple Bloom turned suddenly to me.

"Hey Mr. Rusty, if ponies walk upside down in Oklahoma, what keeps them from fallin' off into space?"

Now this conversation was getting really off-track.

So, wait... they know what gravity and space are, but they still think... wait a minute. Now I'm starting to get confused...

Sweetie Belle gave a derisive snort.

"He's just making up stories," she scoffed. "Ponies don't actually walk upside down, that's impossible."

She turned to me, a concerned expression on her face.

"But seriously though, Mr. Rusty. If you don't even know basic stuff like where the sun goes at night, you probably shouldn't be in our grade level."

"Yeah, she's right," agreed Apple Bloom. "You might have trouble keepin' up with the work. I mean, today was just review, we're already way past most of this stuff."

"You want us to help tutor you?" Scootaloo asked.

Before I could answer, I heard a twig snapping somewhere nearby. I froze, listening, and sure enough I could detect the faint sound of clopping hooves and voices coming down the road behind us.

"Hey, Mr. Rusty, are you listening to us—"

"Shishishaw!"

The fillies yelped in surprise as I suddenly scooped up all three of them and dove headfirst into a nearby thicket. Sweetie Belle grunted in protest, spitting out leaves and bramble.

"What are you doing this time—"

"Shhhh," I hissed.

The seriousness in my tone made all three of them lower their voices.

"What is it?" whispered Sweetie Belle fearfully. "Is it... timber wolves?"

"Granny says there ain't no timber wolves this close to the farm," Apple Bloom whispered back, though she didn't sound entirely convinced.

"Shhhhhhhh..." I hissed again, and they quited down.

We sat perfectly still, waiting, as I peered out at the road through the bushes. A few seconds later, the voices grew louder as two small horses rounded the bend in the path and came into view.

Sweetie Belle breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's just Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon," she whispered.

I hissed sharply at her, and clamped down on her muzzle with my hand. She gave me an annoyed glare but kept quiet.

"—and then I told my Daddy if he didn't buy it for me, I'd never speak to him again—"

"—haha, oh wow, that's great, I'll have to try that with my parents—"

The two fillies' conversation sounded innocent enough, but that was probably just a performance in case they were being watched. In any event, they didn't seem to have caught on to our presence. So long as I could maintain the element of surprise...

I sat perfectly still, watching intently as the two foals ambled past. The three in the bushes with me began to fidget uncomfortably, but they seemed to understand that I needed them to remain quiet.

Diamond and Silver kept walking until they reached a fork in the path, maybe a hundred yards from where we were hiding.

"...anyway, I'll see you tomorrow," said Silver Spoon.

"Sure you don't want to come over for a couple hours?" Diamond Tiara asked.

Spoon shook her head.

"No, sorry, I'm supposed to come home right away. We have that big dinner tonight, and I have to get ready."

Tiara gave a short, derisive laugh.

"As if," she said. "It's just a few politicians from Canterlot nopony even cares about. You can blow that off, right?"

Silver Spoon smiled, but shook her head again.

"Sorry, I can't. It's dumb, but it's really important to my Dad. If I miss this, he probably won't let me go with you on the yacht this weekend."

Diamond Tiara still looked unsatisfied, but she seemed to accept this answer.

"Anyway, I have to go," called Spoon, turning away. "I'll see you in school tomorrow, 'kay?"

Diamond Tiara said something I couldn't make out, and then the two of them went off in separate directions, Tiara continuing along the main path, and Spoon heading off down the fork.

When the sound of their hoofsteps had finally faded into the distance, I let go of the three fillies and we crawled out of the underbrush. Sweetie Belle shot me an irritated look, and grumpily shook a few loose leaves out of her mane.

"I didn't want to run into them either, but did we really need to hide like that?" I heard Scootaloo mutter under her breath.

"Maybe they don't have bullies in Oklahoma," Apple Bloom whispered back. "He might not know how to deal with 'em."

She trotted up to me and cleared her throat.

"Uh, you know, Mr. Rusty," she began. "Bullies ain't really nothin' to be scared of. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are real annoyin', but they won't hurt you none—"

I wasn't paying attention and didn't catch the rest of what she said. I licked my finger and held it up in the air. Perfect; the wind was blowing the right direction. I probably wouldn't get a chance like this again.

"—Mr. Rusty, are you even listenin' to me?"

I wheeled around so sharply that the three fillies jumped.

"I have to go now," I said. "I must attend to an unrelated matter."

"Wait, Mr. Rusty, we're still goin' to the clubhouse—"

I took off running, and didn't catch the rest of what she said.