10: Do Android Foals Dream of Electric Cutie Marks?

"Hey Mr. Rusty! You can eat with us if you want!"

Apple Bloom was waving her hoof at me. I crossed the schoolyard to where the little yellow filly and her friends were sitting in the shade of an oak tree. Scootaloo, the little pegasus with the stunted wings, was munching an apple, and she greeted me with a nod. Sweetie Belle scowled and looked away.

I sat down on the grass.

"You guys mind if I smoke?"

Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo with a confused expression. Scootaloo shrugged.

"Uh... I guess not," she said.

I reached into my pack and pulled out a fresh asparagus stalk. I was running a little low; I'd have to pick some more up on my way home from school. I flipped open my lighter and singed the tip.

"Asparagus?"

I turned my head to see Sweetie Belle glaring at me. It was the first thing she had said to me since our night in the woods.

"That's what smokes are? You made all that trouble just over some dumb asparagus?"

I took a puff.

"Uh, well, it's actually a little more complicated than that..."

Sweetie Belle wasn't listening.

"If that was all you needed you could have just said so!" she continued, stamping her hoof. "Apple Bloom's family has an entire cupboard full of asparagus! We didn't even need to leave the farm—"

"So uh, you're staying at Twilight's place, right Mr. Rusty?" Apple Bloom interjected quickly. "What did she give you for lunch?"

Sweetie Belle looked like she had more that she wanted to say, but instead she just took an enormous bite out of her apple. She chewed noisily and glared at the grass in front of her.

"Lunch?"

My stomach gurgled, and I realized I'd completely forgotten to pack a lunch. I rummaged around in my pockets, but all I had on me were a few asparagus stalks and the gem from the previous day.

I took out the gem and studied it. Gems on this planet did look sort of appetizing, kind of like hard candy. Maybe this one had ripened up a bit.

I put it in my mouth and tried to chew. Nope, it was still hard. There had to be a trick to eating these things...

Scootaloo burst out laughing.

"Did Spike pack your lunch or something? Only dragons can eat gems!"

I slid the gem back into my pocket. My stomach grumbled again. Apple Bloom gave me a pitying look.

"Here, Mr. Rusty, my sister packed me a bunch of extra apples today. You can take a couple if you want."

She upended her saddlebag, and several juicy-looking red and green apples came tumbling out. One of them rolled past Scootaloo, who quickly snapped it up in her jaws and began to chew. I picked up a large green one and looked it over cautiously.

"Don't you like apples, Mr. Rusty?" Apple Bloom was watching me with a curious expression. "Sorry, guess I don't know what sooners usually eat."

I inspected the apple carefully, and sniffed it. I still couldn't rule out the possibility that the ponies were intentionally drugging my food, but on the other hand, these three seemed harmless enough. Besides, my stomach was still growling.

"It's fine."

I took a bite of the apple. It was surprisingly juicy and sweet. Whatever the ponies did to the apples here, they tasted a lot better than Earth ones. I took another bite and chewed.

A noise at the other end of the schoolyard caught my attention. That pink and white filly with the transmitter on her head was laughing about something the little grey one had said. Scootaloo noticed where I was looking.

"Don't let Diamond Tiara get under your skin too much," she advised.

"Yeah, those two are like that to everypony," chimed in Apple Bloom. "'Specially the new foals."

She looked at me, probably realizing that even sitting down I was still much taller than she was.

"Or... you know. Whatever," she finished, a little lamely.

I took another bite of my apple.

"What's the other one's name?"

"You mean Silver Spoon?" Scootaloo made a little gagging motion with her hoof, and Apple Bloom giggled. "You don't need to worry about her. She's just Diamond Tiara's sidekick or whatever."

I continued to chew thoughtfully. I had, of course, figured out that Silver Spoon was probably a robot and/or a cyborg, which her "friend" Diamond Tiara could control using the transmitter. It was no surprise that these three foals hadn't picked up on it, though. Maybe I could find a way to ease them into the truth without shocking them too much...

I pointed at the pink filly.

"What's that thing on her head?" I asked.

Apple Bloom squinted.

"You mean Diamond Tiara's diamond tiara?"

"Yeah. No one else here has one. What's it do?"

"Do?" Scootaloo was rubbing her chin. "Guess I've never really thought about it before. She wears it all the time, though."

Apple Bloom furrowed her brow.

"You know, now that you mention it, it is kinda weird," she mused. "I always figured she just wears it 'cause her name's Diamond Tiara, but... I'm not really sure what for. Wonder where she got that thing, anyway?"

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Well, if you really want to know you can just ask her, because here they come."

Sure enough, Diamond Tiara and her little grey cyborg companion were trotting towards us.

"Oh, look, it's Rusty Shackleford," Tiara said mockingly. "And he's already joined the losers club!"

The cyborg next to her giggled. This was most likely a pre-recorded response, designed to be fired off on cue, not unlike the infamous laugh-track machine invented by one Charles "Charley" Douglass in 1953.

I examined the filly as closely as I could without arousing suspicion. I had to admit it was a pretty good skin job: no visible seams, no wires sticking out. The servo motors controlling her movement were so quiet I couldn't even hear them. Even so, I wasn't fooled for a second.

For one thing, she was wearing glasses. Why would a horse need to wear glasses? The very idea was absurd... unless she needed them to pass the Voight-Kampff test.

"He's so weird he'll probably fit right in with these blank flanks," laughed Silver Spoon.

Her speech synthesis was flawless. She must be a masterpiece of Equestrian engineering. It was too bad I'd probably have to destroy her.

"Silver Spoon," I said. "You are in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise crawling towards you."

"A tortoise?" whispered Scootaloo.

"I think he means turtle," Apple Bloom whispered back.

"You reach down," I continued. "you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun—"

"That's mean," Silver Spoon interrupted. "Why would I want to do that to your mother?"

She and Diamond Tiara both laughed.

"—it lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over—"

"Sounds like his mother needs to lose some weight!" said Diamond Tiara.

They both laughed again, and began trotting away.

"We'll see you blank-flanks later," called out Silver Spoon over her shoulder. "Have fun with Rusty Shackleford, he seems like a real winner!"

I finished the last bite of my apple, then I put the asparagus stalk back in my mouth. I took a long, thoughtful puff, watching the two foals as they headed back toward the little red schoolhouse.

Sweetie Belle grunted.

"Those two are so annoying," she muttered.

I felt a pair of hooves pressing into my leg, and I turned to see Apple Bloom looking up at me with a concerned expression.

"You really shouldn't let them get to you, Mr. Rusty," she said. "I promise most ponies in Ponyville are a lot nicer than they are!"

"Yeah, don't let them ruin your vacation," Scootaloo advised, "or your journey to study us, or whatever you said. Just ignore them and eventually they'll leave you alone."

"Yeah. Those two are kind of..."

Apple Bloom glanced back towards Spoon and Tiara, as if searching for the right word.

"...special," she finished. Her two friends nodded.

"You mean short-bus special?" I asked. "Or do you mean...... cyborg replicant special?"

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo exchanged a confused look.

"Uh, the first one I think," said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, gave an annoyed grunt and rose to her hooves.

"Come on," she said. "We need to get back to class. The bell's gonna ring in a minute."

Sure enough, the school bell began to clang. The foals around the schoolyard were now hurrying back inside.

"Come on, Mr. Rusty!" called Scootaloo over her shoulder as the three of them trotted away.

I sat there for a moment, my attention focused on Silver Spoon as she followed her friend into the schoolhouse, still laughing about something. Then I stood up, took one last puff and ground out my asparagus against the trunk of the tree.

"I'd like to see you take that test without those glasses on."