5: Alien Forest

Gribble's Log
Date: Unknown
Location: Unknown
Time: Approximately 1800 hours

After my harrowing escape from Applejack's Farm of Terror, I found myself in a deep forest. Due to my training, I was able to give my pursuers the slip, and I no longer fear capture. However, the downside of this seems to be that I am now lost in the woods.

I am still without food and without smokes. My ability to navigate by the North Star is presently useless as it is daytime. During my time in captivity, the pony called "Twilight" used some kind of weird alien power to cure my nicotine fits; however, I suspect the effects will be temporary. In a few hours time, I will once again be incapacitated for lack of smokes.

The situation remains dire. What awaits me is a battle between Man and Nature that will put my survival training to the ultimate test. I do not know which of us will emerge the victor.

If I do not return, I implore whoever finds this journal to please convey my love and regret to my wife, Nancy Hicks-Gribble, and to my son, Joseph Gribble. Also, tell Hank he can have my mower.

I was deep in the woods, the shadows around me growing longer as the sun veered sharply to the west. Thick undergrowth and gnarly trees, beginning to look more and more menacing in the fading light, closed in on me from all sides.

I stopped at a small brook to smear some mud on my face. This was an old Indian camouflage trick I'd learned from my good friend John Redcorn. Either that or I saw it in a movie once; I don't remember. Either way, I knew that by painting my face with mud, my skin would resemble tree bark. If a pony were to pass by, I could hold still with my arms in an upright position. Pony vision is based on movement, so I knew that as long as I didn't move a muscle, the pony would think I was a tree and keep walking.

Wait, is that ponies or bears?

I frowned, rubbing mud down the front of my jumpsuit and along the arms. Nearby, an owl hooted, followed by another one. A cicada was chirping in a bush somewhere off to my right. Night would be approaching soon.

No, I'm pretty sure it's ponies.

I grabbed two handfuls of sand and stuffed one into each of my pockets. Might as well reload while I have the chance. Then, I pulled some twigs off of a nearby branch and stuck them into the chest pockets of the jumpsuit, and into the wrist cuffs.

Yes, this disguise is perfect. These alien ponies have no idea who they're up against...

I heard a slight rustle in the leaves behind me. Instantly I froze, holding my arms upright in a tree-like pose.

"Mr. Ruuuuuuuusty! Helloooooo! Jeez, where did he go?"

I recognized that voice. It was the little pony I met first, the one called Sweetie Belle.

Damn, even with my wilderness skills she still managed to track me. I don't think I'm dealing with amateurs here.

That little pony clearly wasn't as harmless as she looked. Plus, she had one of those horns, too; I couldn't overlook the possibility that she might try and probe me. She was pretty tiny, so I was confident I could take her if she was on her own. However, if she had her friends with her...

No, better to just remain in disguise for now. Violence only as a last resort.

I held still, perfectly rigid, arms upright. I tried to empty my mind and become one with nature, just like John Redcorn (or the Indian in the movie, I forget which one) had taught me.

I am a tree...

The underbrush rustled just head of me, and a moment later a little white unicorn stepped through. She stared at me for several seconds. I held perfectly still.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

That was probably a ploy. My disguise was perfect, so I knew she couldn't see me, but she most likely could sense that I was nearby. I wasn't about to allow her to lure me out. I continued to hold perfectly still.

She stared at me for several more seconds, her brow wrinkled in confusion. Finally, she sighed heavily and rolled her eyes.

"Look," she said. "We don't have time for... whatever this is. You need to come with me right now, it's not safe out here."

Heh. Like I'd really fall for a simple trick like that.

I continued to hold perfectly still. I was a tree...

"Look, Applejack carried you alllll the way back to the farmhouse, and then allllll the way upstairs, and then Twilight came allllllll the way out to Sweet Apple Acres just to help cure you of your... smoke disease, or whatever it was. And all you did was throw sand in her face and then jump out the window and run away! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!"

She glared at me, but when I didn't respond, she just sighed heavily again.

"You're a really weird guy, Mr. Rusty," she said. "You need to come back with me and apologize to Applejack and Twilight."

I'm a tree...

She grunted.

"As in... right now?"

I'm a tree...

Sweetie Belle sighed, rolled her eyes, and then trotted around behind me. I felt her little head pushing against the backs of my legs as she tried to nudge me forward.

Won't work. I'm a tree...

For an extraterrestrial, she didn't seem all that strong. After pushing at me for a few seconds and getting nowhere, she gave out an exasperated grunt and then trotted away, muttering to herself.

Heh, looks like I foiled her. You have to get up pretty early in the morning if you want to get one over on a Gribble...

Suddenly, I heard the sound of tiny galloping hooves approaching from behind. A moment later something tiny, hard and faintly sharp collided with the back of my knee. The force was enough to knock me off balance.

"Whoa..."

I wavered back and forth for a split second and then fell forward into the dirt. I rolled over onto my back. Sweetie Belle immediately hopped onto my chest and stood glaring down at me.

"There," she said. "Are you happy now? Come on, get up. We have to get back before the sun goes down."

So, she got one over on a Gribble, did she? I wonder what time she got up this morning?

"My disguise didn't even fool you for a second, did it?" I said out loud. She clambered off my chest and sat down on her haunches as I pulled myself to my feet.

She raised her eyebrow.

"Disguise? What were you pretending to be?"

I brushed myself off. The front of my jumpsuit was completely caked in mud, but I could at least get rid of some of the pine needles.

"Doesn't matter. You're a worthy adversary, Sweetie Belle, I'll give you that much."

"Uh... thanks?"

Reflexively I reached for a smoke, and then remembered my situation. I felt a twinge of anxiety. Whatever "Twilight" had done to me was still working for now, but I couldn't imagine it would last much longer. As soon as "the craving" set in, I'd be incapacitated again, and then it was every man and pony for himself. Whatever else was going to happen, I needed to get myself some smokes.

Meanwhile Sweetie Belle was looking me up and down, taking in my mud-caked jumpsuit and the twigs stuffed into my cuffs and pockets. She sighed heavily for the third time.

"You're a really weird guy, Mr. Rusty," she said again. "Anyway, come on, we need to get going. You can't just wander around in the Everfree Forest by yourself, especially after dark."

She turned away from me, peering back into the underbrush she'd emerged from.

Heh, thought I'd been subdued and it was safe to let your guard down, eh? Well I've still got my secret weapon...

"Alright, let's see," she said, half to herself. "I think I remember which way we came in. If we just follow that path we should make it back to Sweet Apple Acres before sunset—"

"POCKET SAND!!"

As she turned back towards me, I unleashed a fresh round of the Gribble School's finishing technique, right into the little pony's face.

"Hey!" she protested. She stood blinking in confusion, rubbing her muzzle and spitting out sand. "Not again! Why do you keep doing that—"

"Shishishaw!"

I hissed triumphantly, and took off running into the woods.

"Hey, get back here!" she cried out behind me. "Didn't you hear what I said?!? Grrr!"

As I crashed through the woods, I could hear the sound of panting and tiny hooves galloping after me.

Damn, that is one tenacious little alien....

The shadows were getting longer, the light filtering through the canopy overhead getting thinner. If I could last until nightfall, darkness would give me the cover I'd need.

That little alien horse had no idea who she was dealing with.