In Which the Cardinal Colored Cryptid of Miniscule Proportions Questions the Sentience of a Hunk of Compact Minerals
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In Which the Cardinal Colored Cryptid of Miniscule Proportions Questions the Sentience of a Hunk of Compact Minerals
Here is a lil’ fever dream of a story my sleep-deprived brain coughed up in less than 24 hours that no one asked for. How no one has come up with an fic idea like this before is beyond me. I mean, I’m probs a bit late hopping on the “Elmo hates Rocco” train, but hey, better late than never. Is the meme even alive anymore? Idk and Idc. Sue me. Read at your own risk. I regret nothing. Hope you enjoy.
For context, here are some short clips below, though watching them is not required to understand the story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgyAWij3SLk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMJ3Jo83ka8
*FOOF*
Zoe sat up and groaned. “Uuugh…Elmo, what happened…?”
“Elmo’s fine, thanks for asking,” her furry red pal retorted, rubbing his head. “And Elmo doesn’t know.” He slowly sat up, then stared in awe, taking in the new environment. “Uh, Zoe?”
“Yeah?”
“Does Zoe see what Elmo sees?”
Zoe’s eyes looked in the same direction as Elmo’s and gasped. “I think I do.”
They were sitting in the middle of an open green meadow. Surrounding them, as far as the eye could see, was a cacophony of bright colors and immersive sounds. Spring sunshine shone down on them, warming their fur, while they took in the clusters of trees dotting the meadow and the sweet sound of birds chirping. They gaped as they slowly turned their heads, taking it all in.
“Where are we?”
“I dunno, but something tells me we aren’t on Sesame Street anymore,” Zoe mused as she got to her feet.
“Elmo knew Abby should have tested that spell first…” Elmo muttered as he stood.
“Oh, lighten up, Elmo. You’re starting to sound like Oscar,” Zoe giggled.
Elmo stared with a deadpan expression. “You have no idea.”
“Well don’t worry, cuz I have something that’ll cheer you uh-up!” Zoe said in a sing-song voice.
“Don’t tell Elmo.” Elmo gave a blank stare. “It’s Rocc-”
“It’s Rocco!” Zoe sang cheerfully, pulling the pet rock out of her tutu pocket.
“Oh, boy.” Elmo gave a pained grunt, burying his face in his hands. “Elmo’s at the end of his rope.”
“See! I knew he’d make you feel better!” Zoe giggled.
“Oh joy.” Elmo uncovered his face, then sighed. “How can this day get any better?”
As if by answer to prayer, his question was not even two seconds later.
“HIYA!” A pink creature with fluffy magenta hair popped between Elmo and Zoe. “Who’re you?”
“GAAAAH!” Elmo jumped back about ten feet. He looked the creature up and down. “Who are you?”
“Sillies! I asked you first!”
Before Elmo could fully recover from that, Zoe stepped forth. “Well, hey there! I’m Zoe and this is my good friend, Rocco! Oops, almost forgot about Elmo. Say hello, Elmo.”
“Eeuuuh…” Elmo had a weird look plastered to his face, like his little monster brain was short-circuiting. Zoe simply shrugged it off. “Anyways, who’re you?”
“Hi Zoe, Rocco, and Elmo, was it? I’m Pinkie Pie! It’s great to meetcha!” She stuck out a hoof, which Zoe gladly shook without hesitation.
“Nice to meet you too, Pinkie! Oh, by the way, can you tell us how to get to Sesame Street? If it’s not too much trouble, that is.”
“Sesame Street? Where’s that?” questioned a puzzled Pinkie.
“Wait, so you don’t know either? Aw, figures. I was hoping you could tell us.” Zoe sighed. “Looks like we’re stuck here. That’s too bad. Rocco really wants to go home.”
“Oh sure. Rocco does,” Elmo snorted.
“Well hey, don’t look so down, cuz things are a-lookin’ up!” cried Pinkie. “I may not be able to tell you how to get to Sesame Street, but I can tell you how to get to Ponyville!” she chirped.
That got Elmo to snap out of his stupor. “Wait, wait, wait, what’s a Ponee-ville?”
“Not what, silly.” Pinkie giggled. “It’s where I live!” Then she gasped. “Oh, NO! I just realized something! I didn’t recognize you guys, so that must mean I’ve never seen you before. And if I’ve never seen you before, that means we’ve never met, and if we’ve never met, that means you must be new, and if you’re new that means you’ve never been to Ponyville, and if you’ve never been to Ponyville you must be all lost and alone! Oh, this is so sa-ah-aaaaad!” Pinkie wailed, tears welling up as she sniffled.
“Oh, don’t cry, Miss Pinkie. We’re not lost, we’re just…misplaced,” explained Zoe.
“That’s one way to put it,” Elmo scoffed.
“And we’re not completely alone. We ran into you, after all,” Zoe pointed out.
Pinkie smiled through her tears, then gasped again. “Ohmigosh! I just got the most splend-diferous idea ever! What if you…come to Ponyville with me!”
Zoe gasped. “Wait, really!?”
“Of course! It’s the least I can do for my new friends! It’s just a short walk from here! Better yet, if we go there, I can help you find a way to get you home!”
“Oh, really!? YAAAAAAY!” Elmo whooped and cheered.
“And that’s not even the beeeest part.” Pinkie grinned. “I can introduce you to all my friends!”
“Oh, wow! Rocco loves making new friends!” said Zoe, petting her rock affectionately.
Elmo just stared. “The rock loves making friends. You’re kidding, right?”
“What was that, Waldo?” asked Pinkie, leaning in close.
“Elmo said 'lead the way, Pinkie.' Oh, and it’s Elmo, not Waldo,” he explained patiently. He decided not to take out his feelings on Pinkie. After all, she wouldn’t know anything about what he had to put up with Zoe and her…her imaginary friend -
“Whatever you say, Tico!” Pinkie sang. “C’mon! Ponyville is that-a-way!” She bounced ahead of her two new monster pals.
“Hey, wait for us! Rocco doesn’t like it when we go too fast!” called Zoe, racing after the bouncing pink pony.
“Wait, wait, Miss Pinkie! It’s actually El-aaaand, she’s gone.” Elmo sighed. “Elmo’s getting too old for this…” he huffed a sigh and trudged after the others.
Minutes later, the trio (and rock) arrived in the quaint little village Pinkie Pie called home. Ponies milled about, going about their daily business. Some ponies turned and stared at the newcomers, whispering to each other behind their hooves, but most didn’t so much as take one glance and continue with their business. Most of them were used to non-pony visitors and even more used to Pinkie’s antics, so much so that they didn’t even question when she strode into town with two furry little monsters in tow.
“Wow! So this is Ponyville?” cried Elmo, looking around and trying to take it all in.
“Yuppers! Sure is a nice place, huh?” Pinkie beamed proudly, as she far too little got the chance to show off her hometown. “You’re gonna love it here! All the ponies are so friendly!”
“Is it true that only ponies live here?” asked Zoe, doing double take after double take.
“Well, there are a few other kinds of creatures who are also lucky to call it home, but the rest is mostly ponies, yeah!” said Pinkie.
“Elmo likes this place,” said Elmo, beginning to brighten a little. “It looks like a drawing out of one of his coloring books.”
Pinkie giggled. “Hey, I never thought of it that way, but yeah, you’re kinda right! It’s not a real big flashy town, like Manehattan or Fillydelphia, but it’s got that rustic homey charm! It’s a nice, quiet place, especially for creatures who wanna come here to just take things slow.” She paused. “Well, it’s like that most of the time.”
“Aw, that’s ni-wait. What is Miss Pinkie talking abou-"
“Ooh! And speaking of nice and quiet!” Pinkie bounced up to a nearby gray pony with straight purple hair wearing a plain blue frock. “Here’s the first new friend I want you to meet! Zoe and Tico, say hello to-"
“And Rocco,” Zoe cut in. Elmo facepalmed.
“Oh, right! How could I forget! Zoe, Rocco, and Nico – ”
“- Elmo,” Elmo hissed.
“Elmo, say hello to my sister, Maud!”
“Hello, there!” said Zoe cheerfully.
“Hi,” said Elmo politely.
Maud didn’t answer. She just stared at them with a blank expression and half-closed eyelids.
Zoe coughed. Elmo rubbed the back of his neck.
“It’s, uh – nice to meet you?” Elmo offered.
Maud blinked slowly. Other than that, she offered no reaction.
Elmo leaned in close to Pinkie. “Did Elmo say something wrong?” he whispered.
“Oh, don’t worry. It’s nothing personal, she’s like that with everycreature,” explained Pinkie. “She just isn’t as expressive with her emotions, like yours truly! Just give her a moment. Sometimes it takes her a while to warm up.”
True to Pinkie's word, Maud did.
“You’re not from around here.” Maud spoke in a monotone voice. “Otherwise Pinkie would have introduced me to you already. That’s saying something, because my sister knows anyone and everyone. Therefore, you must be new.”
“WOW! On point with those deduction skills, Maud!” cried Pinkie. “Maybe you should have taken up private eye work instead of geology!”
“Actually, for a while I considered pursuing a career in criminal forensics,” Maud deadpanned.
Pinkie gasped, giving her sister’s shoulder a shove. “Get out. REALLY!?”
Maud blinked once more, even slower this time.
“No. That was a joke.”
Pinkie burst into peals of laughter, while Elmo and Zoe exchanged weird looks. “AHAHAHAHAAAA! Ohhhhoho, Classic Maud. Hilarious, per usual.”
“Wait, wait, wait. What’s gee-olo-gee?” asked Zoe, stepping forward. “Isn’t that like the study of rocks?”
Maud’s eyes drifted over to Zoe. “Who’s asking?” she said in the same monotone voice.
Zoe looked confused. “Uuuh, well, I am!”
Ever so slowly, Maud shrugged. “It can be. It’s also the study of the weather, the inner workings of the earth, and its relationship relative to the position of the other planets, the moon, and sun in our solar system.”
“Woooow.” Zoe gazed at Muad, impressed beyond measure. “You sure know a lot about gee-olo-gee!”
“It’s kinda my specialty.” Maud shrugged once more.
“Don’t be so modest, Maud,” Pinkie grinned, wrapping an arm around her sister’s shoulder. “My sis here is a bonafide rock expert!”
“Really? So am I!” Zoe cried. She paused. “Well, I’m not exactly an expert, but someday I will be! In any case, I’m rocks’ biggest fan!”
“They have plenty of admirable qualities. It’s a respectable field of study,” Maud deadpanned.
Zoe just stared. “Huh?”
Pinkie leaned in close to Zoe and whispered out the side of her mouth. “She’s saying she agrees with you,” she hissed.
“Oh! Well, good! Since we both love rocks so much, there’s someone I’d like you to meet! I mean, you’ve technically already met him, but I’d like to introduce you more formally!”
“Oh, here we go.” Elmo covered his eyes in despair.
Zoe stepped forward, holding out her pet rock. “Rocco, meet Maud. Maud, Rocco.”
“Zoe, for the last time.” Elmo sighed and uncovered his eyes. “She’s not gonna care. Rocco is just a - ”
“Hello Rocco.” Maud didn’t even hesitate.
Elmo’s jaw dropped, unable to believe what he was hearing.
“Isn’t he the cutest?” Zoe giggled.
Maud looked Rocco up and down. “I’ve seen plenty of bigger specimens, though I will admit that’s a healthy hunk of basalt you have right there.”
“Yaaaay! I knew you’d like him! Oh, and Rocco says he likes you too, Maud.”
Maud stared at the rock. “You’re not too shabby-looking yourself, Rocco.”
Elmo coughed quietly, then hacked loudly.
“Is there something in your throat, Otto?” Pinkie asked, cocking her head.
“Hm? Oh, no, no, no.” Elmo shook his head and laughed cathartically, not even bothering to correct Pinkie this time. “It’s just that, since Miss Maud is a *ahem*, ‘rock expert,’ Elmo was just wondering if she could answer a few questions for Elmo.”
“I guess I could spare a few minutes. It’s not like I had any plans for today.” Maud sat back on her haunches. “I’m ready when you are. Shoot.”
Elmo paced back and forth in front of Maud, as if he were interrogating a suspect. “Good. First of all, Miss Maud, do you know that Rocco is just a rock?”
“Of course he’s a rock. I’m a rock expert,” Maud monotoned.
“Ah, so Miss Maud admits that Rocco is a rock.”
“Yes, I believe we just established that.” Maud turned and stared at Elmo. “What are you - ”
“So, Miss Maud the rock expert, Elmo was just curious.” Now was the moment of truth. Of course Maud would play along with Zoe. She was the adult in the situation, just like all the others on Sesame Street. Why would he expect her to be any different, just because she was a pony? However, seeing that Maud was a self-proclaimed “rock expert,” he decided to take advantage of the situation. It was time to put an end to this little charade, once and for all.
Elmo turned and locked eyes with Maud, his eyes boring into hers. “Would Elmo be correct in saying that Rocco is not alive?”
Maud blinked, even slower this time. “Come again?”
“Elmo is asking if rocks are alive. It’s a yes or no question, Maud. Not that complicated.”
Maud stared into space, like she was trying to come up with an answer. Elmo stared at her, stumped. No. It couldn’t be. She wasn’t about to hop on the “Rocco is alive” train too…was she?
“Generally speaking, no.” Maud finally answered. “It depends on who you talk to.”
“Oh, really? YAAAAAAAY!” Elmo cheered. “HA! In your face, Zoe! Elmo knew it! Elmo knew he isn’t crazy!” He began to perform some kind of triumphant improvised dance. He chanted a little rap he seemed to make up on the spot.
“Elmo was right all along. Elmo knew Zoe was wrong! Elmo was right all along. Elmo knew - ”
He froze in his tracks. “Wait. What does Maud mean, 'generally speaking?'"
“Like I said.” Maud shrugged. “It depends on who you talk to.”
Elmo grumbled under his breath. “You mean like Zoe, right?”
“No.” Maud blinked, this one the slowest one yet. “Me.”
“Yeah, Elmo figured - ” Elmo froze once more. Ever so slowly, he turned to look at Maud. He began to giggle.
“Sorry, Elmo couldn’t hear you before. He must have had something in his ear. Would you care to repeat that, Maud?”
“I mean like me.” Maud repeated, more firmly than before. Like she was asserting that Elmo could hear her. Ever so slowly, she reached into her dress pocket.
Ever so slowly, she pulled out the last object Elmo expected. Though he really should have. All the signs were there from the beginning. How could he have missed something so glaringly obvious?
“Everyone,” Maud monotoned, though no one could mistake the absolute sincerity in her voice. “I’d like you to meet Boulder.”
Elmo gaped, absolutely gobsmacked. If his eyes bugged out any further, they might have popped out of their cute little sockets.
“Oh, wow!” exclaimed an ecstatic Zoe. “You have a pet rock, too? That’s so cool!”
“I guess.” Maud shrugged.
“Heehee! This is great! I knew you guys would hit it o - ” Pinkie abruptly stopped talking. She had noticed that Elmo was quiet. Perhaps a little too quiet. She turned to look at him, noting with concern that he was vibrating like a ticking time bomb.
“Hey, uh, Chico? Buddy?” said Pinkie, poking Elmo. “Um, not trying to attract any negative attention to you or anything, but you’re starting to freak me out a little.” She leaned in close to get a better look at Elmo, then backed away in concern. “Gee, I never noticed those little red blood vessels in your eyes before. Are you okay?”
Elmo was not okay. Elmo was the furthest thing conceivable from okay. In fact, he was so livid, that if an insect happened to bite him at that very moment, it would have shriveled up and died instantly.
Finally, the irate little monster opened his mouth to respond. Though his words were neutral enough, his tone was noticeably aloof.
“Maud,” Elmo said calmly. “You know that’s a rock.”
Maud’s eyes took a moment to focus before they rested on Elmo.
“Really?” she deadpanned. “No, I didn’t know that, Captain Obvious. Thanks for pointing that out.”
“BUT - !” Elmo sucked in a breath before calming himself. Don’t get angry, anger won’t accomplish anything. He chuckled in a way that made Zoe and Pinkie look at him in reasonable alarm. “Heheheh. But Maud knows that the rock - ”
“Boulder,” Maud cut in.
Elmo blinked. His furry red hands clenched into tight fists.
“Er, yeah. Maud knows that the - I mean, Boulder isn’t alive. Right?”
Pinkie leaned in close to tap Elmo on the shoulder. “Um, Meeko? There’s probably something I should tell y-”
“If you ask anyone else, then no, he isn’t alive,” Maud returned. “Again, it depends on who you talk to.
Elmo sucked in a breath. “Elmo is talking to Maud. What say you? I mean, it’s not like you go around feeding your rock cookies or anything. RIGHT?”
Pinkie poked Elmo, more aggressively this time. “Um, Pico? Seriously, I reeeeeally need to tell you someth-”
“Not. Now,” Elmo growled. Pinkie gulped and shrank away.
Maud, however, held her head high and defended her case without so much as batting an eyelash. “No. Of course not. Only a crazy creature would do that.”
Elmo exhaled in relief, his shoulders visibly slumping. “Oh, okay. Good. Elmo was worried for a second there that - ”
“Cookies are just empty carbs. But sometimes, when he gets hungry in the middle of the night, I give him crackers.”
Elmo’s face showed absolutely zero expression. “What.”
“I try not to give him too many, though, or else he gets a stomachache,” Maud droned on, blissfully unaware grunts and pants escaping from the furry red throat that were progressively becoming harder and harder to suppress. That, or she didn’t care. “That usually tides him over till morning.”
Elmo's entire body quivered uncontrollably. If fists clenched any tighter, they threatened to cut off all blood flow.
This was it. No more playing Mr. Nice Monster. It was time to lay into this hard-headed horse. And this time, Elmo didn’t hold back one bit.
“Hungry!? STOMACHACHE!? WHAT!?” he hollered. “Are you off your rocker? D-d-does Maud even know what she’s saying!? Boulder. Is. A. ROCK! How does he get a stomachache? How does he get hungry? H-how does he even eat!? That doesn’t make any sense, MAUD! I thought you were a rock expert!”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” Pinkie piped up. “Maud knows her rocks, yes. But whatever you do, you do not push the topic of Boulder. Maud is a bit, er, sensitive about the whole thing. Best not to go into it.” Pinkie stared off into space, her features hardened. She looked like she was having war flashbacks. “Believe me, as her sister. You do not wanna know.” She shivered involuntarily.
Elmo stared at Pinkie, like he couldn’t tell whether she was joking or not. “W-w-wait, you’re serious!? AHAHA!” He laughed wildly. “You’re kidding Elmo, right!? It’s just a rock. What’s the big deal?”
“I would watch where you walk, young monster.” Maud’s voice dropped an octave and became noticeably quieter. “You know not the path upon which you tread. If you continue in the direction you are now, there is no turning back.”
“OOOOH, Elmo’s scared.” The unfeeling three-and-a-half-year-old taunted. “What is Maud gonna do? Tell Elmo that he hurt Boulder’s feelings?” He shook his head. “Don’t make Elmo laugh.”
“I’m warning you.” Maud’s voice had a threatening edge to it, which would have caused anyone else who truly knew her to stop their hearts from beating. Unfortunately for our furry red friend, he was too busy seeing red to notice or even care. “This is your last chance.”
“Ohhh, boy. Here we go,” Pinkie whimpered, backing up at a safe distance.
“Chance to do what?” Elmo demanded huffily.
“To apologize to Boulder.”
Elmo’s eyes turned cold and hard. He crossed his arms.
“No.”
“What did you say.” Maud’s tone was as cold as ice.
Elmo leaned forward, speaking slowly to emphasize every syllable.
“NO. Elmo will not apologize to Boulder. Does Maud know why?” He smirked. “Because Boulder. Is. A. Rock.”
Pinkie gulped, shrank behind a bush, and covered her head with her hooves.
“Welp, it was nice knowing him while it lasted.” She gestured frantically to Zoe. “You…might wanna find a safe spot back here. This will not be pretty.”
Zoe gulped and dove behind the bush with Pinkie. They both started quaking with fright.
Maud’s eyes drilled into Elmo’s. He stared back, both parties holding up, unrelenting.
“Now you’ve done it.” Maud took a step forward, so that her nose was nearly touching Elmo’s. “I’m gonna make you eat those words.”
“YEAH!?” Elmo exploded. “W-w-well, Elmo’s gonna - he’s gonna, uh-“ he glanced around, at a lack of inspiration. Then it hit him. Or rather, he grabbed it.
“DO THIS!” Faster than you could say, “bye, have a great time,” Elmo had snatched Boulder out of Maud’s hoof and hurled it as hard as he could. The foursome watched as the rock soared through the air for a bit, gained altitude, then slowly descended back towards the earth. It landed about three hundred feet away, with a resounding thunk echoing on the head of a derp-eyed mare.
“Ooh! SORRY!” Elmo yelled. He turned to Maud with sudden realization.
“Just so we’re clear, Elmo was apologizing to the pony, not the rock.”
For a moment, all was deathly silent. Maud’s lower eyelid twitched. She turned to Elmo with a look that only the most fearless of souls dared to describe.
“What have you done.”
“Elmo was CALLING MAUD’S BLUFF!” The little red monster responded heartlessly. “So, what’s Maud gonna do now? HUH!?”
“You foolish mortal.” Maud got right up in Elmo’s face, though he stood his ground, unfazed. “You meddle with things that are beyond your comprehension. You should not become involved with happenings which are too complex for your simple mind to understand!”
“Oh, boo, hoo,” Elmo shot back. “Elmo doesn’t understand any of the big words you just said, but Elmo doesn’t care.”
This time, Maud not only touched Elmo’s nose, she pressed hers against his as she gritted her teeth. “You have set things in motion which cannot be undone. You will live to regret the day you ever crossed Boulder!”
“YEAH!? Well, bring it on, bucko!” Elmo shouted back, ready to war with this horse. And just before things could escalate any further -
“Um, excuse me?”
Maud and Elmo looked up at the sound of the timid voice. They were face-to-face with the derp-eyed mare, the same one Elmo had accidentally hit with the rock earlier.
“Um, hi, sorry. I hate to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that you, erm, dropped this. It wouldn’t happen to be yours, would it?”
In her hoof she held none other than - who would’ve guessed -
“Boulder.” Maud’s eyes widened a fraction of an inch.
“Oh, so it is yours! Here ya go.” The mare dropped the rock into Maud’s waiting hoof.
Maud stared at Boulder for a moment before she could gather herself to answer.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
“No problem! Have a good day!” The mare waved and cheerfully flew away.
Elmo stared after the mare for a moment. “Sooo…that happened. A-anyways, where were we-? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!” Elmo turned to Maud with a renewed fury, as Maud held the rock up to her ear and nodded. “Elmo is not going to be made out to be a fool any lon - ”
“Okay.” Maud monotoned.
Elmo tensed up. “Excuse Elmo?”
“I said, ‘okay,’” Maud repeated, putting Boulder into her pocket. “I see now how silly I was being. It’s ridiculous to get worked up over such trivial matters. There are more important things in the world to get upset over.”
Elmo stared. “So, Maud is saying…”
“I’m saying you don’t have to apologize to Boulder.” Maud stuck out her hoof. “Truce?”
Elmo froze. Was this really happening? Was someone finally, finally, at long last, admitting that…he was right!?
Slowly, Elmo stuck out his hand. He shook Maud’s hoof.
“Truce,” he agreed. He pulled his hand away and cleared his throat. “So, no hard feelings?”
“No hard feelings,” Maud echoed.
Pinkie and Zoe let out a collective sigh of relief. They nodded and smiled at each other and stepped out of the bush to join the others.
“Oh, good.” sighed Elmo. “So Maud admits that Boulder isn’t alive?”
Maud locked eyes with Elmo. “No.”
“Oh, that’s goo-” Elmo’s jaw hit the floor. “WHAT!?”
“All I said was that you don’t have to apologize. It’s not something that should be taken personally. It's not like I could expect someone like you to understand.”
Ever so slowly, Elmo turned his head away. At first, nothing happened. All was completely silent for at least five seconds. Then, the silence was broken by the sound of heavy panting. Then came the trembling. It started at his ankles, then worked its way up to his legs, body, then head. This continued until he shook so hard he looked like a blur. If one listened closely enough, they might hear the subtle gurgling that was in his throat, which eventually morphed into grumbling, growling, and then a full-fledged scream.
“...gggggrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! BUT. IT’S. A. ROCK! SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID ELMO DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHAT ARE THE ODDS WE LAND IN A WORLD WITH A TALKING HORSE WHO HAS THE EXACT SAME, ROCK-CONSUMED IDEALS AS ZOE!? IS THE UNIVERSE REALLY THAT CRUEL!? WHY ARE WE EVEN STILL DEBATING THIS!? THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO DEBATE! THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT IS A NON-LIVING OBJECT THAT LACKS SENTIENCE! FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S. NOT. ALIVE! END OF STORY!” He panted heavily after his outburst, trying to catch his breath.
Pinkie leaned in close. “Yeeeeaaah, this one’s on me. If I knew how, er, strongly you felt about the issue, Rico, I would have warned you about it in advance. My bad.”
Elmo whipped around to face Pinkie.
“IT’S ELMO!” he bellowed, causing her hair to whip back against her face. “Elmo’s said it before. It’s not Waldo, it’s not Tico, and it’s most definitely NOT Chico! It’s ELMO!”
Pinkie blinked. “Ohhh, riiiight. Gotcha. I’ll try to remember that. Anywhozle, I don’t know what you have against rocks, but I will say, if you feel the same about sticks, you do not wanna meet Maud’s boyfriend.”
Elmo looked Pinkie up and down. “What about her boyfriend?”
“We-e-ell, it’s the craziest thing, but Mudbriar actually has a twig for a pet! Crazy, right!? Don’t tell him I said that. I don’t entirely agree with the guy on everything, but I respect him as a pony and because he’s Maud’s boyfriend. I mean, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters, right!?” Pinkie’s eye twitched slightly, but other than that, nothing could remove the peachy smile plastered to her face.
Elmo stared. “Soooo, let Elmo get this straight. Pinkie doesn’t think it’s normal for Maud’s boyfriend to have a pet stick - ”
“Technically, it’s a twig,” Pinkie corrected. Her eye twitched again. “Woof. I gotta stop hanging around him so much. Now I’m even starting to sound like him.” She shuddered.
“....Right. But Pinkie does think it’s normal for Maud to have a pet rock?”
“Yeah! I mean, duuuuh! Why would’t I? He’s like the awesomest, bestest pet rock in the history of like, ever! I mean he’s portable, and cute - “
“Not to mention smart,” Maud cut in.
“Exactly! AND smart! Thank you, Maud!” Pinkie giggled. “And that's just the tip of the iceberg! I could go on for hours! I mean, what’s not to love!?”
Elmo turned away and stared at nothing. “Elmo doesn’t wanna live on this planet anymore.”
Pinkie snorted. “Silly! You don’t live on this planet!” Then she turned to Zoe with a curious expression. “By the way, you never did tell me how you got here from Sesame Street.”
“Well, that’s the problem. We don’t really know ourselves,” Zoe explained. “All we really know is that our friend Abby was trying out a new alternate-world spell, she waves her magic wand, and the next thing we know, POOF! Here we are.”
“Ohhhh…waitasecond. Did you say magic!?” Pinkie squawked. “Well, why didn’t you just say so? I can get you home lickety-split!”
“Wait, what!? B-but Elmo thought Miss Pinkie didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street!” Elmo shouted.
“No, I didn’t. I just said I can’t tell you how to getto Sesame Street. But taking you there should be easy!”
“Really? Oh, can you, Miss Pinkie?” said Zoe eagerly.
“Abso-tutely-lutely! Lessee, if you got here by magic, all I have to do is visualize Sesame Street, aaaaaannd - “ Pinkie reached out, and, seemingly out of nowhere, pulled down a long zipper through the air.
ZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!
The next thing Elmo and Zoe knew, they were staring through a void through the unzipped zipper that Pinkie had spontaneously created midair.
“TA-DAAAAAH! There! Now you can get back home!”
Elmo gaped. “You’re telling Elmo that Pinkie could have done that this whole time?”
“Sure can! Why d’ya ask?”
Elmo scrunched up his nose.
“Oh, does this mean we can go home now?” asked Zoe. “YAAAY! This is great. Isn’t it Elmo?”
“Elmo…?”
“Your friend likes to take naps,” Maud remarked, staring at Elmo, who was out cold on the ground. “Would you like me to wake him up?”
Zoe gasped. “Elmo! What’re you doing down there? This isn’t the time for sleeping! We have to get going! We have to get back to our friends!”
“Uuugh, my head…hah? What? Wh-what’d Elmo miss?” Elmo got back to his feet in an instant.
“We’re going home now. That means we have to say goodbye to our new friends.”
“REALLY!?” Elmo had never sounded so excited. “Oh, YAAAA- *ahem* I mean, oh, too bad. I mean, not that Elmo doesn’t like it here! Everyone is so nice! It’s just that, Elmo reeeeeally wants to get back home now.” He paused. “Like, right now.”
“Yeah, as much as we love it here, we better get going,” Zoe said.
Elmo scoffed. “Love…speak for yourself, Zoe…”
“Awwww, wait, do you have to leave just yet?” Pinkie’s lip started to quiver. “There’s still so much we haven’t done yet! I could still show you around town, or introduce you to my friends - ”
“But we already have friends,” explained Zoe patiently. “Not that we don’t like making new friends, but our old friends will be missing us if we’re gone too long. And one of them did accidentally send us to another world. She’s probably worried sick right now.”
Pinkie sniffled, then wiped her eyes. “Yeah, well…I guess I can understand that. I know what it’s like to miss someone, especially if you were close to them.” She smiled through her tears. “But you won’t leave forever, right? You’ll come back and visit Ponyville again sometime, won’t you? Please, oh please say yes!”
Zoe giggled. “Don’t worry, Pinkie, we’ll see each other again someday. I know it.” She gave the pink pony a squeeze. “Thanks for showing us around Ponyville! I’m really gonna miss you!”
“Awww, I’ll miss you even more!” cried Pinkie, wrapping her arms around Zoe in a simultaneously loving and suffocating embrace.
“Elmo’s gonna miss you, too!” Elmo also threw his arms around Pinkie. “Elmo loves you! Though he wishes he could say the same for the rock.” He turned to Maud. “No offense, Maud.”
“None taken,” she monotoned. “Though technically, I’m not the one you should be saying that t - ”
“Oh well. We really gotta go. Bye Pinkie, bye Maud.” Elmo grabbed Zoe by the arm and tried to drag her toward the unzipped zipper portal.
“Wait, wait, Elmo! Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked Zoe.
“No, Elmo doesn’t think so,” he replied shortly.
“Rocco has to say goodbye, too.”
Elmo’s eyes glazed over. “You’re kidding Elmo.”
“No, I’m not. Please, it’ll only take a second.”
Elmo stared at his friend for a moment, then huffed. “Fine. But don’t keep Elmo waiting too long.”
“Oh, thank you, Elmo! You’re such a good friend! I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
“Neither does Elmo,” Elmo said coolly.
Zoe stepped forward with her pet rock in tow. “Rocco says goodbye. Say bye, everyone!” called Zoe.
“Toodle-loo, Rocco! I hope I see you again real soon!” Pinkie chirped, waving wildly.
“Bye Rocco. We enjoyed having you. You can come back and visit Ponyville anytime you want,” Maud monotoned, pulling out Boulder once more.
Elmo moaned softly, covering his eyes. “Elmo doesn’t believe this...”
“Thanks, bye Maud! Bye, Boulder! Oh, Rocco says bye to you and Boulder, too.”
“Boulder says likewise,” Maud returned.
Elmo huffed. “Is Zoe finished yet?”
“Yeah, I’m finished. Anyways, see you all around, everyone!”
“Yeah, see ya, bye!” said Elmo, glad that this little nightma-er, detour was finally over.
“Adios, Hernando! Come again soon!”
Elmo’s entire body stiffened, his fur standing on end. He slowly turned to face the cheerful pink pony, twitching sporadically.
“What did Pinkie say.”
“Uh, I said, 'goodbye?'”
“No, what did you call me.”
“What’re you talking about? I called you by your - ohhhh.” Pinkie grinned sheepishly, her eyes darting around. “Eheheh. Something tells me your name isn’t 'Hernando,’ either, is it?”
Elmo glowered at Pinkie, absolutely seething. After everything he had endured today, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Something in his little furry head snapped, and he erupted like a furry red volcano.
“AAAAAAAAAAGH! THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! THIS TOUR IS OVER!”
“B-but for how long?” questioned Pinkie.
“INDEFINITELY!” As he turned and stomped towards the portal, one could practically see the storm clouds gathering around his furry little head.
“WAIT! Where are you going?” cried Pinkie.
Elmo whirled around to face her, micro flames in his eyes.
“FAR AWAY FROM HERE!” he shrieked.
“Oh. Well, if you’re ever in a hurry, just take the Friendship Express. It’s faster.” She punctuated this statement with a squee.
Elmo’s lips quivered violently.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - ”
He flew through the portal, screaming his head off.
“Hey, hold on, Elmo! Wait for me!” called Zoe. She turned one last time to their new pony pals. “Thanks again for the tour. We had a really nice time. See ya!” As she leapt through the portal, she could be heard calling, “Wait up, Elmo! Rocco says this isn’t good for his blood pressure!”
With that, Pinkie reached out and zipped the portal closed. It disappeared, as if it had never existed. Pinkie skipped away, chuckling to herself.
“Ah, kids. What’re ya gonna do? With them, there’s never a dull moment.” Pinkie bounced away, whistling cheerfully. Maud’s eyes followed her movement.
“You got that right,” Maud said, almost to herself. Ever so slightly, the corners of her lips turned upwards. She glanced down at the rock in her hoof. “Isn’t that right, Boulder?” She set the rock down on a nearby picnic table and walked away at a slow, casual gait.
All at once, a long, crooked crack split its way across the front of the rock. Almost like it was smiling.
“Couldn’t agree more, Maud. Couldn’t agree more.”
Author's Note
So, that happened. As stated previously, I know I’m like 2 years late to the party, and honestly I’m shocked I didn’t know about this whole trend sooner, especially with how involved I am with meme culture. Though I have to say, unhinged Elmo is the kinda stuff I LIVE for. Anyways, I know it’s not super deep or long, but it’s not meant to be, just a short and sweet lil’ story I wrote for fun. I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.
Now, I’m calling it now: I KNOW this is gonna spark a whole “Elmo vs Rocco” debate, so instead of bogging down this comments section with that, you can share your thoughts in this blog post I created here. https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1051028/elmo-vs-rocco-friendly-debate-and-other-stuff There you can also find my opinions on the matter, updates on my other stories, and more. I would like to keep this comments section strictly about the story’s humor, plot, characterization, etc. I’m still working on improving my writing so any constructive criticism is welcome! Thanks guys!
