"'Dominate ponies and destroy the mare-it-ocracy.' Oh ma'am, his puns are bad," Applejack shook her head and the newspaper, then tossed it at Princess Twilight's hooves.
"I've read it." Twilight's eyes narrowed.
"Ya' gonna do somethin' about it?"
"Yes, but not directly."
"You're not shuttin' him down?"
Twilight trotted to a window, looked out it and sighed. "We have to give him space to make decisions. Or else, we are still his gaolers."
"Given what he did--he deserves to be gay-olded in stone forever, or whatever you're sayin' Twi."
"Gaoled. Imprisoned. Jailed. Has nothing to do with growing old alone without happiness.... I am speaking of the traditional usage of the term 'gay', obviously, since Tirek's sexuality matters not a whit."
"Fine. He's not imprisoned, but he's on parole. He shouldn't be doin' stuff like raisin' Tartarus by sayin' worm-mouthed dungheap lies."
Twilight sighed. "I suppose," she nodded. "But I do not wish it to seem we are keeping too tight a tight leash. That might spook him like it spooked Discord. Conversely, when we, in friendship, offered freedom, Discord reformed."
"I suppose," Applejack shrugged.
"Applejack..."
Applejack sighed dramatically. "Sure, Discord reformed--e-ventually. After betrayin' us a few times. Heck--he's the varmit who brought that darned pony-eating, magic-draining criminal Tirek back to power twice. Twice!" Applejack stomped her right front hoof twice to accentuate her point.
"Reformation takes time. Tirek should be provided breathing room to grow and make mistakes."
Applejack's left eyelid twitched. "This is Tirek we're talking about. One of the greatest monsters that ever menaced Equestria--an' that's sayin' a lot. He's probably the biggest villain of the big three--all swole and jacked and stealin' essence.... And we're just forgivin' him!"
"You were outvoted at his parole hearing."
"Dash supported me..." Applejack mumbled. Then she added: "Twilight! He's growin' like last time because he's snatching magic!"
Twilight picked up the paper with her magic and studied the well-muscled specimen of a centaur glaring back at the reader. "You're talking about his 'Life Pledges'. Those were voluntary agreements. Perfectly legal."
"...Reminds me of Starlight's village," Applejack frowned. "An' we put a stop to that cult of personality. What's different here? A stallion takin' advantage of a bunch of... vulnerable ponies. Just because he's a stallion, we're treatin' him different?"
"It is a mutually beneficial arrangement. And it is not hurting the ponies."
Applejack raised an eyebrow.
Twilight looked over a shoulder at her friend and sighed. "Maybe it is. I am not a medical doctor. Or, a psychiatrist."
"Ya' could send one."
Twilight shook her head. "I have another idea. Guards! Send in the guest."
Her twin guards protecting her audience hall parted their halberds and soon thereafter the door was flung open by a bipedal chest-thrusting blue minotaur.
"Twilight Sparkle. Princess of Equestria. Here is Iron Will!" His enunciation shook the walls. He beat his chest. "You got the cash, I'll teach ya' to smash. Fitness expert. Successful entrepreneur. And two-time Heavyweight Champion of the Minotaur Division!" He tossed his head, splaying his coiled black hair. "And The G.G.O.A.T. is outside. He can come in when you're ready to get down for something less intimate."
"Tha' G.G.O.A.T.?" Applejack scrunched up her face.
"The Greatest Goat of All Time," Iron Will grinned. "He helps throw down so my clients get buff. One hundred bleats per minute." He beat his chest, then turned his attention to Twilight. "You're bigger than before."
"A consequence of alicorn ascension," she said, shrugging her wings and stretching her elongated neck.
He sneered--the smile twisting angrily. "Iron Will hears you. You got me here so you could actually earn your muscles. Cool. You don't want to keep frontin'. Respect."
"This... growth is a natural part of magical development for alicorns." Twilight shifted a bit.
"Sure. Right. Just put a little Pony Growth Hormone into your Ponish Breakfast once a day. Chow down on those baked beans and porridge and you think you're not getting in too deep--no problem at first. You just gotta add some creatine and bulk up. Just a little more and all the ponies gonna be respecting your bod. But then you wake up one day, sweating and struggling to breathe and you look down and see your dick's about two sizes too small and nope, you can't satisfy your partner anymore."
"I don't have a--" Twilight swallowed.
"Already shrunk so small you lost it?"
"I'm a mare.... I realize you are a different species but surely you can tell the difference between body types--"
"And you're presenting as a mare?" Iron Will tilted his head.
"I'm not presenting as anything."
"Sure you are, PRINCEss," Iron Will waggled his eyebrows. "All those testosterone supplements to get big like the other alicorns. All of you undergoing a 'transition' to get where you are--and no foals following after that transition."
"Cadance has a foal..."
"Sure, but everyminotaur knows the Rulers of Equestria traditionally transition the other way. That's why you and Celestia and Luna don't have foals. Cadance is special. She had a womb to start. In a couple years though, she'll be swinging, and not just because she's the princess of Love."
"I do too have a womb--"
"Don't worry," Iron Will waved a hoof. "I know how it is to have to front to rule when you're worried you might be something you're not. We've had a lot of female minotaur rulers despite their lack of sacred parts. They supplemented just like you're doing."
"Minotaurs are traditionally ruled by stallions?"
"We're ruled by the most impressive one of these." Iron Will whipped out his personal equipment and jiggled it.
"Put it back!" Applejack shouted, and averted her eyes.
"You like it." Iron Will provocatively licked his lips, but he complied, and he returned to addressing the Princess. "I see that smile--"
"It's nerves!" Twilight shouted. "And you're harassing me--your host!"
Iron Will frowned. "You hired me for a Good TimeTM workout session."
"I hired you for your most expensive workout session because I wanted to pay an appropriate price for the enormity of a task for which I... at one time considered you might be a good candidate."
"That's the Good TimeTM workout session. You get to see Iron Will's entire immaculate... sacred bod at peak performance. Raw. Traditional minotaur dominance display."
Twilight swallowed. "While I am intrigued by the potential to add volumes to our knowledge about Minotauria... which appears to have been strangely lacking and which could--it seems--use some supplementation...." Her sentences drifted into incoherence in proportion to the amount of blush spreading to her cheeks.
Glaring, Applejack shook her head.
Twilight recovered. "No, no need for a Good TimeTM session. I--"
"It's fine," Iron Will shrugged. "And don't worry about anything. After nine to sixteen counseling sessions with me, you'll--in your heart-of-hearts truly understand you are what you are deep in your soul and head. You'll have more self-love than you know what to do with and you won't need to be so confused about yourself."
Applejack fixed Twilight Sparkle with a long-suffering I-Told-You-So stare.
Twilight blinked. "I'm not sure that made sense."
Iron Will chewed over the thought. "You don't want to feel like a stallion in your heart--I've got you. Had it backward. You wanna feel like your true mare inside. Fine. I can maresplain a bit."
"Heard enough?" Applejack asked Twilight.
"But! Even better, The G.G.O.A.T. will be a greater help with mareterials. He's an expert in mare performance--when it tickles his beard. A living connoisseur of the Goatisha profession heh-heh. Let's call him in."
"No," Twilight said. "I think you perhaps have some misconceptions as to why you have been called. I did not intend for you to... perform... or talk about my inner desires, or to have a Goatisha tea ceremony. I called you to discuss how to solve a friendship problem with Tirek."
Iron Will's ring-pierced nose twitched. "The frontin' centaur who's 'using'?"
"...Could you explain what you mean by 'using'?"
"Supplements--he's using unfair supplements. He's stealing power and strength and muscles from ponies."
"Legally by contract--" Twilight added.
Applejack harrumphed.
"He disgusts me." Iron Will flexed a muscle. "I'm an old-er bull now, but I came by this physique honestly." He posed, tail erect, first one way, then the other. "Natural takes a lot of work. Tirek took a shortcut. He misleads ponies. He makes them think they don't have to put in physical or mental exertion to get the benefits. He makes them mental foals--a bunch of whiny, weak-willed entitled foals."
Applejack tilted her head.
"If you can set aside some of your disgust enough to work with rather than insult him, insights like that are precisely why I think you can help Tirek."
"Does he want help?"
"You have a special insight into strength. And, strength is what Tirek values."
Iron Will snorted.
"You're going to be key to his reformation. Teach him he can reach deep within himself, build himself up and find strength through friendship rather than... supplements."
"I don't think this is a good idea, Twi--" Applejack said.
"This is a perfect idea!" Iron Will guffawed. "Iron Will needed a moment to consider, but Iron Will is decisive. Iron Will is successful. Iron Will will reform this Tirek."
"Or our money back?" Applejack asked.
"No. Iron Will learned his lesson after a certain customer-who-will-not-be-named took advantage of his satisfaction guaranteed policy even though that certain customer actually grew more assertive. But, if you are not satisfied, Iron Will will provide you a 30% discount on one additional lesson."
"Excellent!" Twilight's eyes lit up. "Let's work out the details."
Iron Will was regaling The G.G.O.A.T. "And then I whipped out my equipment and Princess Twilight was lusting over it--ha!"
The G.G.O.A.T., a wizened billy goat bleated at Iron Will in a high-pitched feminine-sounding bleat of Goatish. "You didn't."
"I did!" Iron Will bellowed.
The G.G.O.A.T.'s eyes narrowed till they were mere slits. "You didn't."
"Ha!"
"You promised. No more Good TimeTM sessions!"
"This wasn't a Good TimeTM session."
"Then why display yourself?"
"Because I was showing the Princess my qualifications."
"For what?"
"I..."
"You were planning to sleep with her."
"No, no I wasn't."
"You and your obsession with alicorn...equipment," The G.G.O.A.T. hissed.
"I talked about it like... five times and I threw away that book you shit on and called a 'conspiracy' tract--but you're still calling it an obsession."
"Nearly a fetish," The G.G.O.A.T. said.
"It was purely business--"
"No. There's no other explanation." The G.G.O.A.T. sighed. "I had hoped we were past this, but I fear we won't ever be."
"No, no. I'm still horny for you." Iron Will stroked The G.G.O.A.T's closest horn. "Only you."
"You promised after that fling with the sea serpent. I can't trust you."
"I didn't do anything."
"But you will." The G.G.O.A.T. stopped in the center of the path.
"Please, reconsider." Iron Will reached out for a hoof. "I'll cook you pancakes."
"No."
"And garbage!"
"It's cans. Not garbage."
"Sorry."
"You don't respect my culture."
"It was a slip of the tongue."
"Twenty years wrong."
"Don't be so stubborn."
"Don't make ethnic slurs."
"You used to think that was cute. I'm stubborn too. It's not my fault ponies use that as an insult for goats and mules."
"...I'm just an old goat. You've got my goat."
Iron Will growled. "I can't use that term at all?"
"Nope."
"Stop being such a Drama Queen."
"I'm not coming with you."
"Come on."
"We weren't supposed to travel any more. After so many groaning and grinding years traveling all over--we've settled down. Got that home. But, we haven't adopted anygoat yet. It's always one more year. One more business deal. One more scheme. We have more than enough bits as long as you don't waste them in some hare-brained scheme."
"Now who's spreading slurs?"
"Rabbits aren't intelligent creatures."
They stared at each other for a while.
"I'm tired, Iron Will."
"We can go back."
"No. You go. I need to think about things."
"I'll stay."
"Go."
"Stay," Iron Will said.
"Go!" The G.G.O.A.T. shouted.
It began to rain.
They stood there, in the road, glaring at each other as ponies passed, umbrellas in hoof. Somepony handed them one. After the pony had trekked off, The G.G.O.A.T. ate the umbrella, chewing it for many an hour, then spitting its handle out in Iron Will's face.
Night fell.
Another day began.
Ponies came and went, some with carts that barely trundled around the two immovable objects. A pegasus flew to the Castle to complain about the obstruction.
It rained... again, but this time the Weather Team made a circle around the obstructing foreigners, making it slightly less of a burden for travelers to press past them.
Twilight Sparkle flew out. "Is there anything I can help you two with?"
"This the hussy?" The G.G.O.A.T. didn't break eye contact with Iron Will.
"The Princess."
"The hussy who you wanted to leave me for?"
"You're making a mountain out of a molehill."
"Heh,"
"I could come back tomorrow," Twilight said. "Unless I can be of service in solving a friendship problem?"
"Nope," The G.G.O.A.T. broke eye contact with Iron Will and addressed Twilight. "I saw the desperation in his eyes. He *likes* you. I've had enough."
"That's not true!" Iron Will said.
The G.G.O.A.T. trotted off.
"Do you want to go after him?" Twilight asked.
"No," Iron Will shook his head, and he sniffed. "Once his mind is made up--it's made up."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault." Iron Will turned and walked out of the break in the storm into the rain.
Amid the onslaught of the downpour, Twilight never saw tears roll down his face.
"You're a wuss," Iron Will leaned back in his wooden chair, smoking a cheroot.
"Excuse me?" the big red centaur swelled, grinned back at his followers crowding the public house's entrance, then trotted over to the reclining minotaur.
Iron Will put out his cheroot on the centaur's fluffy chest hair. Then, he coughed without covering his mouth. Spittle flew.
"Seems you're the wuss," Tirek growled, brushing Iron Will's cheroot-holding-hoof aside, then wiping his own cheek. "Coughing after a little smoke."
"Wanted an excuse to spit in your face." Iron Will stood, swelling his own chest. While a fully swole minotaur was intimidatingly large when compared to a pony, he was puny compared to the magically-enhanced centaur.
Their eyes met in a deep mutual glare.
"Trying to start something?" The centaur looked over his shoulder. Behind him, several weak-looking ponies and a dozen curious yaks stood, completely crowding the anteroom.
"When they try to gawk," Iron Will said, "You've got to hock." He readied more spittle.
"You know who you are challenging, weakling?" the centaur said.
"You're supposed to be Tirek." Iron Will spit to his side. "A coward who takes others' strength as his own."
Tirek snarled, his nose-ring contorting with his wrinkling snout. "Their strength is mine. Ponies lent me their friendship to create something greater."
"I know what they say, generally. Iron Will reads the Stallionsphere puff pieces. Tartarus--a few years ago, I was the alpha bull darling of the Stallionsphere, so don't give me any of that 'you don't understand' bull--heh. I know strength. I am strength. They signed away their strength to you--but why?"
"Because they know I will make better use of it. I have experience with greatness." He flexed his bulging muscles. "I will use these ponies' strength to accomplish great goals."
Iron Will scoffed.
"You do not understand the magic of friendship," Tirek sneered.
"When they try to sell excrement. You don't have to smell excrement!" Iron Will related another of his famous aphorisms.
Tirek's brow furrowed. "What load of--"
"What you're doing isn't friendship. The ponies' bodies are empty shells. That's dominance."
"So? With their friendship, I will dominate you!"
Iron Will shrugged, "It's possible." He leaned back.
"You know you will lose this battle."
"If I do... then it's only because you've stolen the strength of others. I see those ponies--the gray ones, skulking against the floor. They gave their strength... legally, I suppose, since the Elements of Harmony haven't kicked you back to Tartarus or frozen you... again... in stone. But the law sticks in my craw! Legal isn't moral! And, those muscles weren't morally earned." He pointed to Tirek's offending anatomy. "If they're not moral--they're inferior. They're not built with the soul of earned strength: of hard work, of sweat, and toil, and character that builds. Your character is the same as a cheater's--weak."
"Strength is strength," Tirek snarled.
"The experience of earning strength is strength," Iron Will said.
"You're wasting my time," Tirek said. "I was about to lead these yaks," he gestured to the crowd behind him. "To an awesome artifact of the Golden Age. We were going to make Yakyakistan Greater Again!"
The yaks let out a cheer, punctuated by the pounding of their hooves on wooden planks below. "Yakyakistan First! Yakyakistan By Ourselves! Yakyakistan: We Can! Yakyakistan Over All!"
"But this won't take long... or take much effort."
Iron Will snorted. "Not for me to beat you, at least."
"Let's throw down," Tirek said.
"Lets." Iron Will cracked his knuckles.
Outside, Iron Will and Tirek faced each other. Iron Will snorted and itched his nose ring, then he trailed a hoof in the dirt and dug in.
Across from Iron Will, Tirek had a frail pink pony grease his abs. After a thick paste glistened, he pushed the tottering pony aside with a bump of his prodigious centaur barrel. Surrounding the twain, a field of yaks muttered and stomped their feet in a rhythmic pattern, beats syncopating and reverberating across the valley.
Iron Will charged. Tirek grabbed him by his horns and tossed him into a pile of wood. Iron Will got up, brushed off branches and went back into the fray. This time, Iron Will juked and avoided Tirek's slow grab. He twisted and gored Tirek--or he would have if not for Tirek's rock-hard belly.
Tirek laughed, "My strength has hardened me."
Iron Will pushed harder and, after a deft dodge, grabbed Tirek's waist gripped between his forelegs, digging in with his hind-hooves against the centaur's motion.
Tirek coughed. "You're weak."
Iron Will pushed down and launched himself onto Tirek's back. Tirek bucked and Iron Will held on. Snarling, Tirek twisted. Iron Will bore down and yelled: "When you rock, I sock." And he punched Tirek's ears.
Tirek winced and so-nearly bucked Iron Will off that the minotaur had to grab hold of his hair. The clash lasted for longer than it took a young yak to complete licking a lollypop to its center--to be specific, it took longer than for an impatient young yak to lick three times and bite the lollypop off its stick. But! That was still longer than the yaks had expected the event to take. They chattered their surprise.
"Big centaur not infallible!" one shouted.
"Yaks could smash big centaur! I told you!"
Still riding Tirek, Iron Will shouted. "Iron Will is great! But Iron Will is only one creature. One. Each of you, individually, are one creature. One. But individually, we are strong."
The audience muttered.
"And separately, in our individuality, we're stronger. If there were just two of me here--this one'd already be eating dirt. If they talk big; make'em eat like a pig!"
But then, it was done. Iron Will had made a valiant effort; however, Tirek, strengthened with the power of five ponies, threw himself to the ground and rolled Iron Will to a position where Tirek could angle his considerable weight against Iron Will's side. For a long time, Iron Will did not breathe--limbs were lodged in his belly. The lack of breath took its toll. Iron Will's grip loosened, and Tirek pushed away.
Iron Will could breathe again, but he'd been decoupled and winded. Tirek round-house kicked Iron Will's face, and the minotaur did not immediately arise.
The yaks politely clopped their praise.
"Where are the roaring acclaims?" Tirek shouted. "Look what I did!"
"A single minotaur nearly defeated you," one Yak told him. "We polite. Acknowledge success. But this. This not impressive."
Another spoke up. "And minotaur-beast was right. You have power of many ponies. But that not enough to easily defeat opponent."
"If I had yak power--it would be simple."
"Yaks not give power to another. This opinion never change. Yaks respect their bodies. Our bodies, ourselves!" One yak shouted. The others repeated.
"We are stronger together!" Tirek insisted. "Let me make decisions for you and yak kind will prosper!"
Still chanting, the yaks dispersed and Tirek was left with just his ponies as an audience--and a groggy Iron Will.
"Tirek," one of the ponies, the pink one, coughed.
"Yeah," Tirek stretched a shoulder.
"I'd like my power back."
Tirek didn't respond.
The pony spoke louder. "I'd like my power back. Please."
"We had a contract," Tirek shifted so the pony was directly behind him.
"I'd like to break the contract."
Tirek walked away.
"I can pay."
The other ponies started whispering. One squeaked: "Are you... going to keep our power forever?"
Tirek halted. His head turned slowly.
"Are you really reformed?" Another pony pressed.
"Yes."
"Then give him back his power."
"No."
"Do we... need to complain to authorities?"
"Caring, no."
"Someone who manages... your threat."
"Caring..."
The ponies whispered to themselves. A few yaks wandered over and spoke in loud voices. "What do ponies ramble about?"
"Ponies demanded power back. Centaur not give it."
"Bad."
"Very bad."
"We smart for not giving power to stupid centaur."
"We should smash."
"No!" Tirek shouted. "Their strength will make it easier for me to help make Yakyakistan greater again! They're betraying you--withdrawing their strength and friendship. They aren't acting like true friends."
"We could still help with our own strength. We want to be part of something greater. The mare-it-tocracy isn't fair to all creatures. Equestria needs to understand that yaks are just as equal as ponies.... Equestria embarrassed itself when... we all fell into our tribalism and excluded others.... when you and the other two invaded." The pony flushed at the irony of helping one of the criminals--albeit reformed--who had demonstrated to the ponies that they weren't quite as open and friendly to those not of their tribe as they had thought.
"Iron Will did not beat you, but even on his own--he did mighty well," one pony said.
"And what he said was really inspirational!" Another pony said. "I felt like, for a moment, that I could do something. I could have helped you, Tirek. And two creatures acting instead of one could have been really helpful. I could have helped--if only I had my strength back."
"He was talking nonsense. I'm using your power well. You gave me your strength and I've helped you."
"How?"
"What?"
"How have you helped us?"
"I've helped you help these yaks. Ponies want friends, right? You were losers--couldn't make friends with dragons, kirin, all sorts of creatures. Now you're surrounded by a horde of friendly yaks."
"These yaks are... fine. Nice hosts. But we are too tired to practice friendship with them. And we haven't achieved our goal," the pony wheezed.
"We haven't established the yaks' grievances with the Crystal Empire yet." the pony coughed.
Another spoke up in a whisper: "We have been sitting tired and sad and... exhausted while yaks talked with you. We've sat here for weeks. And the mare-it-tocracy is still oppressing yaks." The speaker gummed his lip.
"You were learning from my example. My strength! My demands."
"I suppose I did learn...." The pony sighed. "But I think I've learned enough."
Yaks murmured support. "Centaur weak on his own."
Tirek looked at the yaks with a withering glare, then he turned back to the ponies. "Fine. If you pay contractual penalties in full--have your powers back."
"We can't all afford that," one pony said.
"Ha!" Tirek laughed. "You're just trying to get something for free!"
One yak spoke, with a booming voice: "Yaks extend ponies credit. Yaks suspicious of centaur's wiles."
"I've been encouraging you to take what's your right! I want you to be powerful!" Tirek shouted.
"Yaks powerful with yak-power. Do it ourselves. No outsiders!"
"I encouraged you to go on that quest! I gave you the information you needed! I cleared rubble from the temple!"
"And I will recover it myself, or my name is not Yovidaphone the Yak."
"Yovidaphone the Yak!" Several other yaks shouted in support.
"It is too dangerous for a single yak to recover. The traitor who used it buried it in a tomb specifically designed to keep yaks out!"
"You lie!" Yovidaphone jumped into the air, then landed, stomping all four of his hooves. His lackeys followed in suit until the valley was full of cacophonous accusations of prevarication.
Tirek, chest and body smaller than they had been for months, hunched protectively over a cup of yak butter tea. A shadow fell over him, so he looked to his left. He snorted once registering whose form belonged to the shadow. "I've got nothin'," he said.
Iron Will responded with a similar snort, crumpled up a letter, threw it into his mouth and chomped down. "I hear you. It hurts. Worse than swallowing this piece of worthless poisoned paper."
"Poisoned?"
"I'll be fine. Iron Body--Iron Will--what!" Iron Will beat his chest. "But even though I've also got nothin' now too, I've still got my bod. I earned this. Iron Will will be fine!"
Tirek gestured at Iron Will's cut chest. "Yeah,"
Iron Will popped his pecs. "You can have a body like this, natural-like, you know."
Tirek scoffed.
"You've got a good body type. After some training, you'll be cut."
"Better watch out or I'll cut you."
"Doubt it."
"Yeah." Tirek's head sunk back to the counter again.
"Come on. Let's train for an hour."
"Doing what?"
"Spar. You like fighting."
"You'll win."
"It isn't about winning. I'll let you get some shots. Treat me like a punching bag." Iron Will swallowed hard. "I deserve it."
They went outside. A few yaks watched them.
"Do it. Now!" Iron Will commanded.
Tirek punched him. His fist bounced off with little effect.
Iron Will laughed. "Wind up. Do it properly."
Tirek growled and one of his puny arms went back--then forward until it... again... bounced off Iron Will's chest.
"Keep it up. Till you get tired."
An hour later, Iron Will was sweating and Tirek was coughing and his hands were on his knees. "This is stupid," Tirek said.
"Let's do weights now. I saw some behind the bar."
Tirek followed Iron Will.
The next day, they did the same thing. More yaks watched. When they finished training, Tirek bid Iron Will good night, but secretly, he went back by himself and lifted more.
"Stupid Iron Will. I'll show him." He lifted the weights. "Not a good idea to lift heavily two days in a row--what a crock. I'll get swole faster than he expects and whack him off good." Tirek grinned, imagining Iron Will's head smacked straight around--the big minotaur supine and helpless on the ground. It would be so easy to take his strength. One Iron Will equaled nearly five ponies. "I could be someone again," Tirek chuckled, a coughing chuckle. Then he pulled up his water-skin and downed some melted snow-water.
Not long after, he heard snorting.
"Iron Will? Thought you were napping?"
"Not Iron Will," a yak voice proclaimed. "Yovidaphone. Heading out tomorrow."
"You'll die."
"No! You will. For disrespecting me. Unless you submit."
"What?"
"You're too pony. Not yak-bull enough." The yak strode up and shouldered the weights away from Tirek's lifting arms, nearly clipping the centaur. Then he body-checked Tirek.
Tirek tried to block him, but his arms were puny and the yak was bigger. The yak crowded him into a corner, then lightning-fast turned and bucked Tirek once, twice, thrice. Tirek sputtered and stumbled.
"Not sporting!" One of Yovidaphone's lackeys called.
"Ugh," Yovidaphone snorted. "Fine! Go get my heritage, then go pummel ponies! Make ponies do my cuticles. Clean my droppings! Rule over pony peasants."
"Ha!" Tirek coughed up blood. "They'll beat you."
"Ponies are weak," Yovidaphone said. "Even Ambassador pink pie pony just a joke. Prince Rutherford proclaim her 'honorary yak'--big joke--as big as his foolish maresculine leadership."
"That pony and her friends defeated me."
"Ha! Just like me, then. No big deal." Yovidaphone chuckled. "Yaks throw all creatures down. Yak strong even without magic. Be stronger more now with Great Yovidaphone!"
He kicked Tirek in the face once more, then left, whooping and hollering.
Tirek sipped the hot yak butter tea offered to him. "Never will I get used to this. It's ghastly," he said.
"It's what we have," Iron Will, looming over him, said. "If it tastes bad; your health becomes glad! The worse something tastes, the better it is for you whether you're seeking sick gains or recovery."
"Eat shit, then," Tirek suggested.
"Fried, it can be nutritious," Iron Will suggested.
"That the source of your strength?"
"Eating shit? Metaphorically, maybe. Life isn't easy. Everyone gets knocked down sometimes."
"Speaking of shit," Tirek said. "The yaks who did this show up again? I heard a horrible piping sound--"
"It was the artifact," Iron Will confirmed. "A host followed Yovidaphone down the hill. They're going to the Crystal Empire." He paused. "Should the ponies be concerned?"
"Without my leadership, the yaks are going to get beat to bits," Tirek said.
"What if the Elements of Harmony aren't there?"
"Then the ponies are going to get blown down."
"This yovidaphone got that much power?"
"Yep."
Iron Will mulled things over. "If ponies are conquered, then my market will shrink a lot. Dragons are confident. Kirin aren't interested. Too inscrutable for me.... These yaks seem pretty confident."
"You got that right."
"Unlike those ponies you brainwashed."
"They did that to themselves. They're weak willed."
"I think they followed Yovidaphone and his yovidaphone to the Crystal Empire."
"Easily led," Tirek scoffed.
"Demonstrating their power of individuality."
"They'll think better of it when they see their fellow ponies lying in puddles from their broken eardrums."
"Sounds gory."
"Glorious!" Tirek guffawed.
"You want the ponies to suffer."
Tirek sighed. "Nah, but that artifact--it's power."
"You planned to use it?"
"It was always going to have to be used by a yak. My brother defeated me with it a thousand years ago when he betrayed me and worked with the ponies."
"Your brother was a yak?"
"Half yak."
"I guess that explains the drawings... why he looks so different from a centaur."
"Yep."
"So, you were going to help the yaks take over the Crystal Empire?"
"I was gonna march them around the town, blow down a wall, have them make their demands, then when their leader inevitably went mad with power--I'd take the the offered strength of his followers or the ponies and when the Elements of Harmony got there, I'd give back power to willing parties, but a lot would let me keep their strength. I feel good when I'm on their strength, minotaur."
"That's how it is with drugs. Till the rush wears off."
"Yeah."
"But that's not going to happen."
"Yeah."
"What's your plan, then? Molder here while yaks conquer the Crystal Empire?"
Tirek shrugged.
"The yaks' butter lotion seems like it cleaned up your abrasions and nothing's broken, so there's no reason except lack of motivation for you to keep lying here."
"Why should I go?"
"Because you caused this problem."
Tirek guffawed.
"Afraid you can't do anything since you haven't stolen any creature's magic?"
"No."
"Great!" Iron Will slapped Tirek's thigh. "Get ready. I'll be back in five."
Grumbling, Tirek accompanied Iron Will to the edge of the Crystal Empire and, from an overlooking promontory, saw the effects of Yovidaphone and his namesake.
The Crystal Empire's protective wall was shattered. And its shield spell had either not been cast, or it had been overcome. Scattered so distant that they looked like gnats--crystal ponies lay immobile on the ground.
Tirek and Iron Will approached until, still far from the city, they encountered familiar ponies lying in a heap, clutching their ears, blood pooled beneath their heads.
"Caring... and the others whose names I momentarily forget..." Tirek frowned.
"Tirek! Can you hear me!" The pony called Caring shouted, grimacing and narrowly perceiving Tirek through pained eyes.
"Yeah," Tirek said.
"Tirek! Tirek!"
Iron Will leaned over and, with a helpful hoof, pulled Tirek's jaw down, then bobbed it up again so the centaur was nodding.
"Tirek! The yaks aren't just asserting their rights.... They were cruel!"
"Of course," Iron Will huffed. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Give a pony a sun and she'll threaten to burn Minotauria to bits."
"They practiced their yoviaplufffalumpagusamaphone on us... then they destroyed the walls!"
Tirek bent beside the pony. "Caring..."
"We were helpless by ourselves. We should have given our strength to you."
"Perhaps..." Tirek's eyes glinted and he looked back at Iron Will who, stone-faced, slowly shook his head.
"We should stop them."
Iron Will's eyebrows rose. "You think you can beat them?"
"No," Tirek shook his head. "They beat me." He cracked his knuckles. "But I have an idea for how we can beat them."
"What prompted this metanoia--five bit word there--it means a 'change of heart'."
"I know what metanoia means, fool."
"What do you care about ponies?"
Tirek sucked in a deep breath. "They forgave me."
"You sure they can't stop this themselves?"
"No," Tirek shook his head. "Not against this. It breaks buildings and paralyzes ponies. When the Elements of Harmony arrive, they'll defeat the yaks. Nothing can stop those horrible ponies. But their homes will be destroyed--half the city is already shattered." He sighed. "I whipped up these yaks, encouraging their leader's worst vices. I should stop it. They might have beaten me before... but I learned something from the ponies. Together, we have a greater power... friendship: They didn't beat US."
"Good," Iron Will nodded. "But, we'll never catch up in time."
"Get on board," Tirek gestured to his back.
Iron Will pulled himself up Tirek, bracing himself. Tirek winced.
"You gonna be able to carry me?"
"Ribs a bit bruised and I don't carry creatures, but fine. I have to do this. Hold on." Tirek sucked in a deep breath, let it out, then started to trot. Careening toward the Crystal Empire, he broke into a canter, clearing rocks with short jumps despite his load. Iron Will's thighs held tight. "It's even better than riding The G.G.O.A.T."
"What?" Tirek wheezed.
"The G.G.O.A.T.... my best friend... my husband. Former husband. He divorced me."
"Way to make this awkward, minotaur," Tirek huffed, blushing a bit as he did.
The yaks were taking their time, smashing buildings individually. No pony approached them--they must have stopped most of the resistance--Iron Will figured he must have seen the Crystal Guard whimpering on the outskirts.
Yovidaphone, holding the massive namesake artifact at his shoulder, turned to face Tirek and Iron Will. And he blew the instrument. Iron Will clapped his hooves over Tirek's ears, then he fell, ears bleeding.
Tirek blinked, then he focused while Yovidaphone took a deep breath. He rushed, pushing aside two yak guards, and he slammed into the yovidaphone. He kept moving. The instrument creaked and he sweated and pushed it farther. The yaks pursued and they caught him and started beating him. He was thrown down. He heard the clopping of hooves. Blood fell on his face. And he saw a minotaur's hooves punching Yovidaphone and his bully yaks, clonking their heads against the yovidaphone, which knocked them unconscious.
Iron Will, huffing, stood and bellowed a challenge to the remaining yaks. "Come at me, bros."
The yaks hesitated, staring at their fallen leader.
"You didn't want to harm these ponies, right? You just came to establish your greatness. Ponies to respect yak power finally. Good. That's done. Anything more is cruel."
The yaks spoke among themselves.
"Yaks are great! And yaks are not cruel!" Iron Will shouted. "I understand. Great bulls and stallion win battles--show our swagger, show our strength but only fight when we must!"
The yaks nodded and, as one, they turned and retreated.
Iron Will let out a deep sigh, and, blood still dripping from his ears, he collapsed beside the yovidaphone and Tirek. Tirek crawled to his knees and held Iron Will's hooves to pull himself up. Then, he gave Iron Will's hoof a pulse. Iron Will responded in kind, and closed his eyes.
"You're in pain..." Tirek reflected. And he sat with his friend.
After longer than it should have taken, a crew of medical ponies checked on them. A unicorn cast a spell and Iron Will's ears stopped bleeding. "You're lucky the Southern Medical Post wasn't hit," the unicorn grumped. "Or else everypony'd still be suffering excruciating pain.... By the way, thanks for knocking out those interlopers." The unicorn indicated the still-unconscious trio.
"Take the yovidaphone to a secure location," Tirek said.
"Not my problem!" The unicorn sneered. "But," the unicorn rethought the attitude. "I'll find somepony to take care of it. We don't want the yaks to get this artifact back."
The yoviadaphone was moved by the Crystal Guard.
Iron Will and Tirek were treated to a light dinner in the castle, which was regenerating from the crumbling sonic blow. They quietly ate alongside a number of refugees, then made their retreat.
"You aren't gonna stick around for a medal?" Tirek asked when he noticed Iron Will pushing off from the table.
"Iron Will loves praise. But, we need to lead doctors to the ponies on the hill."
"Shit," Tirek observed, recalling the forgotten batch of would-be yak-allies.
They led a medical crew to the ponies on the hill. After being healed, the ponies conveyed their thanks. Caring even offered, when fully recovered, to give back her power to strengthen Tirek since: "You deserve it more than me."
"No," Tirek shook his head. "A generous offer, but I've found I am pretty strong on my own--at least when I work with a friend."
"If you ever change your mind..." Caring tempted.
Tirek shook his head and Iron Will led him away.
"My job is done," Iron Will observed.
"Your job? I admit... you sparked fire within me... but a job? That's all this was?"
"You knew Twilight sent me."
"Suspected. But yes. Too convenient a situation for the Elements to not have their hooves in this. But. Even after what we went through, you still see this as a job. You don't see me."
"I see you."
"What do you see?" Tirek stepped in front of Iron Will and expanded his arms.
"Hot, sweaty. Hot."
"You feel it?"
Iron Will ran his hooves across Tirek's abs.
"Yeah. I feel it."
"I was speaking metaphorically."
Iron Will guffawed. "I'm a bad minotaur. I break hearts."
Tirek lowered his arms. "I broke ponies in two. You shouldn't have me, but don't ever tell me I can't handle you."
"You'll regret it. Besides, Iron Will's got to travel and move and BE. The Iron Will Experience is not somecreature who can stay still."
"I've been looking to travel. I spent centuries in Tartarus. And then I was in stone. I want to move."
Iron Will paused and took a step back. "I'm not emotionally available. I want my husband to forgive me."
"But--the divorce papers." The ones Iron Will had eaten.
"I deserved it. I was going to grow old with him. We could have been so gay. But I ruined it."
"Fine," Tirek said. "Let's talk about what else you deserve. Nothing needs to happen right now. But, let's go through whatever happens together, as friends if nothing more."
Tirek held Iron Will's hoof and they walked off, toward the sunset. After a while, Iron Will stumbled. Tirek helped him up, onto Tirek's back. "I know a place where there's shelter," he said.
They reached a very high point and for a moment, Tirek and Iron Will, mounted atop him were silhouetted against the sun.
"Wait," Iron Will said. "I think the Crystal Empire can see us from here."
"So?" Tirek asked.
"Can you rear up for a moment?"
"Yeah," Tirek said. "You think I'm weak?"
"Just do it."
Tirek reared up and the pair made an impressive silhouette in front of the setting sun.
"What was that about?" Tirek asked.
"Giving the Crystal Empire a special performance to remember us. When they rebuild, they'll be throwing money at me."
"Of course you couldn't resist marketing."
"Time and a place. Couldn't do in front of a bunch of refugees."
Tirek scoffed. "Boring business..."
"Come on, let's get to that house of yours. Maybe... if we're feeling it, I can show you how not boring one of my Good TimeTM sessions is..." Iron Will mused.
They rode off into the sunset.
Cadance, Princess of Love and Ruler of the Crystal Empire, watched the males from her parapet and, quite excited by the scene, stroked her alicorn anatomy. "I always love happy endings."
