Author's Note

Written by OP!

The Great Hawt-to-ya Purchase!

“No, no, no!” The feathers on the griffon’s neck puffed out, underscoring his boiling frustration. “You can’t name your cupcake delivery service ‘Hawt-to-Ya;’ that is a blatant infringement on my company’s good name!”

Pinkie Pie snorted, but tried to keep a friendly face. She wasn’t happy that she was upsetting a potential friend, but the griffon would come around after she cleared things up. “Come on, Mr. Gizzard, it’s funny!”

“Funny? Funny?!” Mr. Gizzard clenched his claws leaving talon marks on the wooden floor of Sugarcube Corner. “My father made Hawk-To-Yah sixty-nine years ago, growing it to become the most successful griffon-owned package and parcel delivery service. I spent the better part of my adult life expanding into Equestria to the great success of many! I create jobs! I am a vital part of your town’s infrastructure! And you want to just use my company’s name without repercussion because you are friends with royalty?! Forget it!”

“Pfft… how many years ago, you said?”

The griffon raised his claw, pointing a dagger of keratin at her snout causing her to go crosseyed. “Listen here, you filly, I--”

“No wayyyy! Hawk Tuah guy! Spit on that thang!” cheered Lyra from across the dining area. Puffs of white powdered sugar plumed into the air when she enunciated the P in “spit.”

“Why is everyone saying that? I never spat on anything, damn it!”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Giz, it’s just a silly joke that’s going around,” Pinkie Pie chirped with a smile.

The griffon’s feathers slowly fell back flat against his neck, though frustration still drew his eyebrows taut. “A joke, you say?” Gizzard’s eyes dropped away from Pinkie and he scratched his chin with a claw. “A joke… hm, that could either be good or bad for the company,” he muttered. “It could get the word out, but it could also strain our reputation… Pinkie!” Mr Gizzard returned his voice to an audible level.

“Yes sir?” the pony flinched at the sudden change in volume.

“Pray tell, what is this joke?”

“You’re kidding, right? It’s kind of obvious,” Pinkie Pie looked around the room, hoping to make eye contact with somepony else who would step in and break the truth to the griffon. She was under the impression he already knew. The idea that he might get even more angry than he was at the moment put needles in her stomach. If she got yelled at in public by a customer again, Mr. Cake might get on her case.

“I never ‘kid’ because I am fifty four years old. I’m not a hatchling. Now spill the beans and maybe I don’t need to take you to court over this naming fiasco. Who knows, we might be able to work a partnership out.”

“Oh, partnership!” Pinkie’s hair curl sprung up. That’s a friend adjacent word, right? “Well, I’ll have you know that my delivery service has already catered to each and every major location in Ponyville since its inception a few months ago. I think we can make a looooot of bits together~!”

“Hmm, yes, I’m glad to hear that you are making money with my intellectual property. Now, the joke, Pinkie Pie.”

“Oh, well…” Pinkie walked out from behind the counter. “Let’s go into the side room. There’s little foals nearby.”

“Pluck my feathers, this can’t be good,” Gizzard grumbled under his breath as he followed in step.

“Cut that out, Mr. Hawk! That’s not your tuna, spit it out,” Fluttershy scolded a red-tailed hawk, the most recent addition to her expansive family. Feeding her carnivorous friends left a pit in her stomach. Her most recent work-around was to order frozen tuna filets from the griffon-lands. That way, she didn’t have to use whole fish from the river, and there was far more meat on those huge tuna fish, so it kept her indirect kill count low. An issue, though, was that the fish shipments didn’t arrive on time this week, and now she had to ration the remainders. If worst came to worst, she would have to go back to the creek and…

“Oh goodness me.”

Fluttershy picked up the sliver of tuna she took from the hawk and chewed it. Bleh… the taste of iron and salt made her delirious.

“Hrk- ptwah.”

Fluttershy spit a chewed wad of meat onto a small china plate where Gummy sat expectantly.

“Ok, eat up little guy, and then we can get you back home!” Fluttershy cooed. The tiny alligator was feeling under the weather, so she was keeping an eye on him, though the little guy perked up rather quickly after hanging around with her other lizards. He probably just wanted some company.

Gummy made quick work of his meal.

“I suppose I can stop by the post office after I drop you off… yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” she spoke, half to herself and half to Gummy. The lizard gave a slow blink in response.

A small polaroid of a Barred Hawk lay flat against the cold metal of a table separating Pinkie and Mr. Gizzard. The griffon only was able to steal half-second glances as the overhead lamp kept swinging its cone of light out of view. Whenever the lamp settled, Pinkie would reach up and give it another nudge.

“Would you cut that out? It’s giving me a headache. Also, why do you keep this room so dark and… brr… so cold?”

“It’s for the ambiance,” Pinkie stated, reaching up for another nudge before Mr. Gizzard grabbed her hoof and brought it back down to the table.

“Thank you.” The griffon turned his gaze down to the picture of the hawk. “I don’t get it, what is that supposed to be?”

“Morphnarchus princeps, though it’s kind of hard to tell,” came a soft voice from behind Pinkie Pie. The room’s overhead lights were flicked on by the unknown visitor, causing the other two to shield their eyes.

“Who in Tartarus is this?” Gizzard wondered aloud. He was hoping to keep the number of crazies he had to interact with today down to a minimal.

“Oh oh oh! Fluttershy! What’re you doing here?” Pinkie bounded out of her chair and embraced her friend.

“I was dropping Gummy off after his little get together with the other reptiles. I just wanted to say hello, but I can see you're busy. I’ll come back later,” she said, barely above a whisper.

“Well at least let me introduce you to my newest friend! Fluttershy, this is Mr. Gantree Gizzard, shipping extraordinaire. Mr. Gizzard, this is Fluttershy. She loves animals.”

“A pegasus?” the griffon cleared his throat. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Fluttershy, I do apologize for my language” Mr. Gizzard gave a soft ruffle of his wings, a courteous greeting amongst sky-friends.

“Oh how gentlemanly, though it’s just Ms. Fluttershy for now,” she giggled as she ruffled her wings in response. “You’re with Hawk-To-Ya, aren't you?”

“But of course,” Gizzard smirked. “I see my name precedes me.”

“I don’t mean to be a bother, but I had ordered some tuna for the week and it hasn’t arrived. I was going to go to the post office, but now that you’re here--”

“Do not fear, my dear mare,” Mr. Gizzard took Fluttershy’s hoof into his claws. “I was visiting Ponyville to track down an issue with our delivery route. I promise that I will attend to your needs with great care.”

“O-oh my.”

“Hey, wait a second, I thought you were here to sue--” Pinkie Pie’s lips were suddenly pressed shut by a single talon from Mr. Gizzard.

“To sue for peace between our two companies!” Gizzard continued. “Why, Pinkie Pie and I are planning on doing a merger.”

“Yippie! And I didn’t even have to explain the joke!”

“Joke? I like jokes,” Fluttershy smiled and batted her eyes, causing Mr. Gizzard’s plumage to ripple.

“I, well, uh…” he stammered. “Ms. Pie is doing a spinoff on the Hawk-To-Ya brand with her Hawt-To-Ya cupcake service. A simple play on words, haha”

“I guess that is kind of funny,” Fluttershy agreed.

“Wha- no! That isn’t it at all,” Pinkie scoffed. “It’s the sound of the company name. Are you guys foals, or what?”

Mr. Gizzard looked to Fluttershy, hoping to gain some unspoken enlightenment on the situation. As he expected, the mare wore a confused expression just like he did. “I suppose we are, Ms. Pie.”

“Uh, well… Gosh I was ready to explain it to you, but Fluttershy is throwing me off. I like to keep it PG around her.”

“I’m a grown mare, I can handle it.”

“Alrighty rooney. Well, first I think we should all sound it out. Say it with me, Hawk--”

“To-Ya,” Fluttershy and Gizzard repeated.

“Ok, a little faster now, Hawk--”

“Toya?”

“Tooah.”

“Ooh ooh ooh! Fluttershy got it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed while jumping up and down.

“I… did?” the mare looked back over to Gizzard, exchanging their expressions just as before.

“What’s there to get?” Gizzard growled, the impatience in his voice returning. He mentally chided himself for raising his voice in front of such a magnificent mare (one with wings, no less).

“You know, Hawk-Tuah,” Pinkie replied. “Like spitting on something.”

“Egads,” Mr. Gizzard slumped back into his chair. “The company is the butt of a joke about coughing up spit, how distasteful.” A pink hoof reached across the table and tilted his chin up. He locked eyes with Pinkie Pie, who wore a dead serious expression.

“No, there’s more.”

“Please, no.”

“Hawk-Tuah, spit on that Thang.”

“What’s the thing?” Fluttershy asked, sitting on the storeroom’s floor.

“Thang,” Pinkie pie corrected. “Thang…”

Even though griffons have a layer of fine hair over their cheeks, a perceptive eye could see them blush or even turn green when they were sick. Mr. Gizzard was as pale as an eggshell.

“What is the thang, Pinkie Pie,” Gizzard said slowly, the words precipitating from the air as the space around the griffon grew cold. “I need to know… What. Is. The. Thang?”

Pinkie Pie swiveled her head to Fluttershy and stared at her with intent. That yellow mare could handle maybe four bad words a day, two off-color jokes, and one good scare before rolling up like a pillbug. It was noon and Fluttershy was at home all day looking after Gummy… Yeah, that’s good enough.

“Penis,” Pinkie said.

“Oh roast me over a fire,” Gizzard blubbered, sinking from his chair to the floor in a gelatinous mass.

“Eep!” Fluttershy covered her face with her wings. “Why would anypony say such a thing?”

“Y-yes, why indeed!” the griffon mustered, climbing off of the floor. “Surely this is some sort of mistake. Surely we can run some positive PR and dispel the association. I- … We must! I already signed contracts with Manehattan and Fillydelphia… I can’t pull back now.”

“No, it isn’t a mistake,” Pinkie said matter of factly. It was a hard bandaid to pull off, but her experience with friend-making has given her a tried and true algorithm to befriend even the most delusional and desperate creatures. At the moment, she was on section 3a, step 2, paragraph 4:

Be Honest :)

“It’s because you clear your nose out when you make the hurrkk sound, yeah? Well, usually you just spit out the green mucusy snot glob onto the ground, but sometimes that isn’t very mare-like, so that’s when I just swallow it like nothing happened,” Pinkie continued to Gizzard’s dismay. Fluttershy dry heaved.

“Yeah, well, when the griffons came into town with their moving wagons and the big ol’ ‘Hawk-To-Ya’ label on the side, I said to Mr. Waddles, who I was trying to make smile at the time because he lost his dentures -- don't worry I dug up some teeth for him--, anyway I said, ‘Hey Mr. Waddles, that sounds like this!’”

Pinkie let out a guttural snort and spat a snot rocket that splat against the wall across the room.

“Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy gasped, a rare note of anger lacing her shock. She turned to look at the glob. It was not translucent.

Fluttershy dry heaved again.

“So, Mr. Waddles gets a kick out of this and smiles real big, giving me just enough time to wedge the teeth I found into his gums.” Pinkie Pie put down another polaroid onto the table with the old, prunish pony smiling big and wide. His teeth glistened with luster. “And now he looks great!”

Mr. Gizzard stared at Pinkie Pie, his feathers starting to poof up again.

“Oh, and you spit the snot on a stallion’s dick before sucking him. It’s funny because it’s gross.”

“Gah!” the griffon clutched his heart as if Pinkie’s words were bullets.“You… You did this?!” Gizzard snarled. Though it shamed him to show his anger in the presence of such an angelic pegasi, that pink, cackling demon was going to be the downfall of the Gizzard legacy. “You scoundrel! You saboteur! You work for PonyLand Postal, I know it! Damn you, foul trickster, you saw one look at my company and spread a dirty lie. Griffons have beaks, we can’t suck with our mouths. There’s no way my company would do that intentionally. We don’t suck!” The griffon’s emotional shuttlecock was being smacked back and forth between the conspiracies that sparked in his mind. “And-and-and you decided to capitalize on it!” he wagged his finger as he took disheveled steps to the door, still reeling from the shock of the situation. “Your company will never make it out of the courthouse, Pinkamena, never!”

The door slammed behind him.

“He seems awfully upset,” Fluttershy said to Pinkie.

“Yeah. Hmm. I guess I’ll get him to be friends during settlement,” Pinkie Pie sighed. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s gone to the courthouse. Maybe it was the twelfth time? She couldn’t remember.

“You think you’ll be able to?”

“I dunno, he does seem kinda wound up.”

The two sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Maybe he’d be more relaxed after some Hawk Tuah,” Fluttershy said.

“Bwahaha, you silly bitch!” Pinkie laughed with her belly.

“Tee hee!”

And then Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy injected ketamine. Their NMDA receptors were flicked off like a light switch, the darkness of the room expanding to encompass more than that: a darkness of the mind. Each mare was lowered to the bottom of a mental hole. For a moment, they were not, and they slept the sleep that only the dead know.

Then they woke up and made out.

(I have never done ketamine)