And I Kept On Falling

It began with her graduation.

Don’t get me wrong. I was really proud of Starlight. I still am. What she did that day - the way she faced the odds, the way she stood up to Chrysalis, the way she saved us all - is nothing short of incredible. Couple that with her unlikely team and you can see why she was no longer in need of friendship lessons.

No longer in need of me.

Her apprenticeship had given me purpose. The fifteen months she was my student were some of the most meaningful and driven months of my life. It was a joy to have a mentee, to transfer my expertise and share my experiences with somepony who stood to learn from them.

Starlight herself looked up to me, trusted me to help her through her healing process. As enormous as the responsibility was, it was a surreal experience to have somepony put that much faith in me, no matter how many times I let her down.

And then she grew. She continued growing into her own pony, and though her physical appearance had not changed at all, she had. The mare who humbly accepted her Pink Heart was an entirely separate mare from the one who accepted my hoof in the clouds.

Ending her studies with me was the right call - the only one, really. I meant it when I said I had nothing more to teach her. Her journey will continue without my constant input and I had to learn to be okay with that.

Easier said than done.

The sudden lack of a student sent me spiraling. For months, teaching was my only goal. I woke up every morning, excited at the prospect of teaching her a new lesson, spent the day doing just that, and went to bed every night thinking of the next day's lessons.

Day in and day out, that was the routine.

What was I supposed to do now that I was no longer a teacher? What purpose does my life have now? I was back to the same dilemma I had when I was first crowned - being a princess with no clear job.

Immediately after, I fled to a retreat with my girls. Thought the change of pace would help clear my head and make me think better. Once or twice on the train ride to Manehattan, one of them had asked me what I was going to do now that my student had graduated.

My answer? “I’ll figure it out.”

I lied.

I pushed the question out of my mind for as long as I could, instead focusing on literally anything else, like volunteering at the children’s hospital and foalsitting my niece.

Some aunt you are.

Remember what I said about Starlight needing to move on without my input? I may have underestimated just how much I missed being her teacher.

In hindsight, I should’ve known better. The Map calls specific ponies for specific missions for a reason. I never should’ve interfered with Starlight’s mission as much as I did.

You never should’ve interfered at all, you featherbrain.

Starlight’s psyche was nearly shattered because of me. Ruining her first Map mission? Instilling pointless fears in her mind? Making her doubt herself? What was I thinking? I repeated the exact same mistake I made when she first befriended Trixie; only this time I didn’t even have the convenient excuse of being her teacher and wanting the best for her.

I was just offended that the Map hadn’t called me.

Some Princess of Friendship you are.

Starlight succeeded at her mission and fixed the Sisters’ rift, no thanks to me. I should never have doubted her. Or believed the worst was going to happen. Or transferred my anxieties and fears onto my ~~student~~ former student.

But she forgave me and I regained her trust.

Thus, when I suggested we publish the Friendship Journal, she didn’t object. She even helped me make it happen. Together, we created several copies, shared them with our friends, and eventually decided to share it with larger Equestria.

That had always been our plan. Keep a journal, learn from each other, and maybe one day, other ponies would read it and learn something, too.

I truly, genuinely believed that the journal was it. It would revolutionize Equestrian society and make the world a better place! Ponies all across the kingdom would become better friends, better ponies, and better versions of themselves. There was absolutely no way this could go wrong.

What a naive fool you are.

Everything went wrong. Not only did the Journal not achieve the desired effect, it worsened my friends’ lives! Dash and Pinkie’s lack of privacy. AJ’s home, bombarded with freeloaders. Fluttershy got relentlessly harassed. Rarity’s entire career could have gone up in flames, and it would’ve been my fault!

Sure, we eventually chased off the ‘fans’ and got some peace, and two ponies at least used the Journal the way it was intended to be used. You could say it was peachy at the end, but was it really?

It took days for Dash, Pinkie, and Flutters to finally stop looking over their shoulders for stalkers. It took weeks for the Apples to fix their house and clear the backlog of work that had accumulated with this disaster. It took months for all three of Rarity’s boutiques to recover from the major hit.

And that’s not even the biggest problem. Our lives are now on display for everyone to judge. We became celebrities overnight, and it had the worst repercussions imaginable. Ponyville is relatively safe - everypony knows us here - but the rest of the country? My girls can’t leave town without getting recognized anymore, which wouldn’t have been a problem if said recognition didn’t come with endless questions, stalking, and criticism.

Need I remind whose bright idea this was?

Some friend you are.

There was a noticeable influx in fan mail in the weeks that followed. I spent my time alternating between answering them and dealing with the sudden increase in paperwork the Diarchy had sent my way.

Which I had actually requested, mind you. The lack of work had become too much to handle.

For a while, I ignored the nagging feeling at the back of my brain. Kept telling myself that I’m a good friend, and even the best of friends slip up sometimes.

You’re hurting them. You keep hurting them.

That disastrous zeppelin vacation did not help in the slightest, but it was all good. Everything was fine. It had to be.

Between losing my job, constantly disappointing Starlight, and exposing my friends to the entire world, I was desperate to do something right. So when the opportunity presented itself in the form of Star Swirl’s journal, I grabbed it with desperate hooves.

The possibilities were good to be true.

Solve one of the greatest mysteries of ponykind? Bring back the Pillars? Bring back Star Swirl the Bearded? How could I not do it?

In retrospect, I should’ve known better. I should’ve guessed that the Pillars had a good reason to sacrifice themselves. I should’ve listened when Starlight - the mare who had always been irresponsible with magic - told me to not mess with magic I didn’t understand.

Plenty of ‘should haves’ with you, isn’t there?

And instead of returning the legendary figures to a peaceful, modern Equestria, all I did was unleash complete evil on the world. Doom my kingdom. Nearly sacrifice the Elements forever.

You’re no better than a villain.

Way to go, Twilight. Ignore all the warning signs and don’t listen to your friends. Mess with a thousand-year old ritual meant to protect your kingdom. Open a portal to a dimension you know nothing of. Yeah, that’ll go over well. No repercussions whatsoever.

How stupid can a pony get?

The whole ‘unleashing evil onto the world’ part wasn’t even the worst part of this whole ordeal. No, it’s what I did after.

“A path from which there is no return,” he said. “There’s no way to befriend a pony like that,” he said. “Once a villain, always a villain,” Star Swirl said.

I knew, intellectually, that none of that was true. I knew that. I’ve faced villains before. Befriended some of them, even. There’s no such thing as a lost cause. There is no such thing as complete irredeemable evil. Redemption exists, even if it’s rejected. I knew all that.

But Star Swirl - the pony I looked up to and idolized my entire life - believed otherwise. His cold, aloof, and sanctimonious attitude clashed with how I imagined he’d be, and it threw me off-guard. Surely this isn’t the stallion I’ve admired for so long?

But still. He’s Star Swirl the Bearded! The greatest archmage of ancient times! He knows better.

Idiot. He knows nothing of the modern world. He’s ancient, remember?

Torn between pleasing my idol and listening to my friends, and wracked with guilt over the danger I unleashed, I betrayed my own ideals and my own beliefs. I went against everything I ever stood for. Everything I ever fought for.

And for who? The pony I’d met mere hours prior?

Yup.

Over the friend I’d trust with my life? Villain redemption is Starlight’s field of expertise, and I didn’t listen to her. Again.

Oh, and you made her cry, too.

“I guess I’m lucky your idol wasn’t around when you decided to be my friend. I might’ve been banished to limbo, too.”

Speaking of villains, let’s talk about Stygian. I was this close to hurling him back into limbo without hearing him out. This close to banishing him without making a single effort to understand him. He had already suffered because of a simple misunderstanding and he was this close to suffering even more. Because of me.

Princess of Friendship who?

I couldn’t help him the way I had helped Starlight before. I couldn’t get him to stand down. I had to forcefully pull him out of the shadow.

Starlight had faith in me, trusted me, and advocated for me when I had done nothing but ignore her. And despite the boost of confidence her words gave me, I still couldn’t talk Stygian down.

Am I that bad at this? Is my tenure as the Princess of Friendship over?

Look at you. So many have gotten hurt and all you can think about is you. How unbelievably selfish.

It’s gonna get better, right? I’m gonna get better, right?

Right?