Cycle of Second Chances

I'm finally going back to school.

After being conned into actually going, due to my parents offering to buy Elden Ring for me on pre-release, I reluctantly agreed to go. I haven't been back there in a long time, but I'm not planning on being back for long, either. The first week, I'll go and maybe do something just to satisfy them. I could also just take the bus into the city and pretend that I'm at school.

...Nah, that won't do anything to change my attendance, so I'm left with no choice.

I'm walking dejectedly along the path to school and I notice a few groups of students going my way, all of them slowly filing in from different directions. I don't recognize them, and I doubt they recognize me. I'm barely at school so I would be surprised if they know me. I don't know for sure, but it has to be around five months since I was at school last.

I don't stand out too much either. I'm just an average looking kid at the end of his teens. Dark hair, skinny and lazy clothing. Actually, when I think about it I probably stand out quite a bit. Whatever.

I adjust my backpack and loop my thumb inside the strap as I face my head down to the pavement in front of me. I hate that I'm the only guy walking alone to school. It's nothing new, but I still hate it. Don't mind them. They just know each other because they actually go to school, idiot.

If there's anything I can call myself a professional in, it's FPS's and bringing myself down. I always berate myself for not making any friends, but I actually have to make an effort doing that. I just don't have it in me, I'm always too judgmental of myself and I second guess everything I do or say. I'll just go to school, endure, and then I can indulge in a new game. That's the way I prefer it. Was it though?

I sigh as I kick a rock down the pavement. I really want things to be different.

It's a cold day out today. For some reason my head keeps spinning. I'm already on edge, and it's pissing me off. I keep rubbing my head to make it go away and I feel something strange in my chest too, like something's squeezing at me. I feel uneasy and nauseous, but I'm mostly just chalking that up to being nervous about going back to school after over a month of not going. I've had panic attacks before, but this is different.

More groups of students appear the closer I got to school. There are a lot of apartment buildings and I think a lot of them come from around this area that I'm passing through. Right before I get to the school grounds, I stop in front of a crosswalk as a whole pack of students walk up right behind me. I feel like a sore thumb, standing all alone with so many groups of people around me. They're probably thinking I'm some loser, standing there on my own. It feels like I have a lot of eyes on my neck right now.

I'm sweating.

My fists clench up as I dig myself deep into my own mind, clawing my eyes out with worries that probably don't even exist. I hear giggling from one of the girls nearby, and my mind instantly jump to ;she's laughing at me. My heart is pounding in my head and my head sinks down low as I try to hide from the world, and my grip on my bag strap feels wet.

I need to get away. I feel a panic attack coming on. I take a ragged breath as I start walking, needing as much distance as possible from it all.

"Hey, watch out!"

I realize my mistake too late. I'm not thinking straight, so I walk across the crosswalk without even looking. I barely have time to process the warning behind me before I meet my maker on the windshield of a honking bus.

I feel numb. My consciousness fades in and out and I see colors and bright lights popping in and out constantly. I see people rushing over me, familiar faces, unfamiliar faces, an ambulance, nurses, doctors... Their voices come and go, and they're very faint.

"Don't wo-"

"You're gonna b-"

"...ELP HIM.... EASE....!"

I jolt awake for a few moments during this process and only then does the pain come in. Holy fuck, everything hurts. Make it stop. Absolutely every part of my body is screaming.

No... Please. Don't do this.

I feel it. I feel my body losing life and the slow grasp of death slowly taking over my form. Most importantly, I see memories flash by in my head. The time my dad gave me my bike when I turned ten, when my uncle took me to his firing range for the first time, when I lost my grandmother, the look in my parents faces when I told them I was depressed...

I...

No. This can't be the end. Please. I'm not even grown up yet...

I don't....

I never believed in anything. There isn't going to be anything after I die. This can't be happening.... I'm so... so...

Scared.

"Help..."

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Please...

Raw fear, some of which I have never felt before, embrace my body. This isn't what I was expecting to happen when I die. I thought I would feel at peace, but instead, I feet and immense fear and dread wash over me. Was I going to hell? I wouldn't be surprised.

The flashes of doctors and nurses slowly fade away, and I'm left with nothing but darkness. The fear doesn't go away despite my body no longer being part of me. I 'look down' and see the same thing as I see everywhere else. Complete nothingness.

I don't know for how long that lasted. I don't even know if there is any time here at all.

I see something... materialize... before me. A shape I don't know. I 'see' it reach out it's limbs and caressed my 'face' before hugging me tightly in it's bosom. I feel a distinct female presence. I'm almost certain I passed already, since I'm in some sort of dream-like state. The female thing hugging me rubs my back, and I feel cold.

I guess the devil is a woman...

This 'woman' doesn't comfort my state, in fact, her presence makes things infinitely more terrifying. I don't understand what's going on, but I feel the hairs stand up on ever part of my body as she embraces me. She's the culmination of everything I ever feared, and then some. I can't even tell her to stop, or scream for help. I don't have a mouth.

She makes things much worse when she whispers into my ear.

"...I have you..."