Cross Your Fingers

Chapter V: How to Love

“I’m glad you could make it~” Sunset tells me with a big smile, hugging me tightly. Her apartment is pretty dark on the inside except for the light of a laptop illuminating the couch. I can barely make out the remains of some snacks on the coffee table. It looks like Sunset has been working on something for a while… Why else would she have what looks like war-time rations and a messy blanket sprawled across the couch. “Sorry about the mess. This assignment has been kicking my ass.” Sunset brings me over to the couch, leading me gently.

“Is that what you wanted to show me?” I ask her skeptically. At this time of the night, she was really concerned about having someone to proofread her assignment? It may seem weird to me, but I need to remember that she is probably worried about it.

“Well, yeah. It’s not exactly an easy task. But I think I have it figured out actually. I’m proud of what I’ve got so far. I wanted you to be my first audience~” Sunset sits down on the couch, offering the space beside her. As soon as I take my seat, Sunset starts navigating the different web pages she has open. Some of them are compilations of perfectly cut screams. Some are videos of cats, but most of them are academic articles about the concept of love. Sunset brings up a tab of a presentation. On the left of the screen, it says there are nearly twenty slides. I have no experience with these sorts of activities, so it makes me wonder whether that is a lot for something like this.

“Twenty slides…?” I ask, slightly overwhelmed by the sheer amount.

“That’s not a lot considering some of the other presentations I have made. But don’t worry. There’s only a small section I want your input on.” Sunset’s cursor scrolls down the page, highlighting the last two slides. Enlarging them, she shows me a pink display with some text about the stereotypes of love. However, there is one part that isn’t sourced by anything. It seems to be a statement piece of some kind… “In my philosophy course, I needed to make a presentation of the types of love and how we perceive it. I also needed to include a thesis of what I believe true romantic love is.”

“I see. So, you want me to give you some feedback on the thesis part?” I ask her slowly. Sunset nods before zooming in on the text.

“Love is a difficult subject to define,” Sunset begins to articulate, reading the words slowly. “Subjectivity is fluent in definitions, but I believe that love is only able to form if two conditions are met. Thoughtfulness and loyalty.” As Sunset reads along, I can’t help but notice her face seems apprehensive. Almost like she is rethinking this whole thing. “To love means that you think of the other person. They invade your thoughts in the most unpredictable ways. Maybe you worry about their wellbeing or maybe you simply think about inviting them on a picnic.” A picnic… She’s just providing an example. It’s just a coincidence. “Thinking about someone can help you see just how much you care about them. Larger than that idea is the concept of loyalty. No matter what happens, your loyalty dictates how much you love them. To be there beyond all kinds of troubles and still have the ability to say ‘I am here for you’ is true loyalty.”

I can hear my heart beat. The words she is describing make me think of one situation above all else. Her cyan eyes almost seem to glow in the blue light of the laptop. If she is preaching the truth, then there is no way I can deny it. The way my heart beats for her is love. I wish it could be something else, but… If I am destined to love someone in this world, I don’t want it to be anyone else but her.

“Whether it is a small lie or a random gift, there are many ways to show your love,” Sunset whispers, her eyes not leaving the screen. “But it all depends on the effort that drives you. Thoughtfulness and loyalty drive us to be there. To care for ones we love, regardless of request or personality flaw.” Sunset stops talking despite the fact that there is still half of a paragraph on the slide. Upon closer inspection, I can tell that the rest of the words are just Sunset’s closing remarks about the presentation as a whole.

“Insightful,” I quietly remark, looking at the presentation. I can tell Sunset’s gaze has shifted to me. “It sounds like you have personal experience.” Turning my eyes to her, I see that she has a solemn smile. One that makes me feel hopeful that maybe she means… me…

“I do,” Sunset responds, a small nod confirming my insinuation. My heart flutters at the thought, immediately flooding me with a hundred others. Questions. Theories. But the number one idea is the question of who it is. “Love is a complicated situation for me, but… I know it when I feel it,” Sunset tells me without breaking eye contact. Something about her stare makes me feel like she is trying to tell me what or who she is thinking about.

“Do I know them?” I ask cautiously. My heart beats faster, wondering if maybe the magic word is ‘you’. She talked about picnics and lies in her thesis, reaffirming ideas like being there for your loved ones. All of these things have happened between us… Is it wrong to hope that she says that it’s me? That she’s been thinking of me too? That maybe… just maybe… Maybe she has wanted to say those words too.

“Probably not as well as I know them,” she whispers.

…

In an instant, it feels like everything is broken. My heart almost fools me into thinking that it has stopped. I should have known… It’s one of her friends, right? I’m so stupid to even think that maybe she meant me. I guess I should have expected it, considering how she has known them a lot longer than me. It’s nice to know now. Maybe my heart can finally stop feeling this tragedy of an emotional rollercoaster.

“You did an amazing job,” I try to reassure her, doing my best to keep my composure. Even though I just want to go home, I know she was looking for input. I should at least provide that before I leave. “That’s not surprising since you’re an amazing person,” I say in a teasing tone even though my words are completely true. As I stand up from my seat, Sunset grabs my hand as gently as ever. Her gaze is vulnerable, almost pleading for me to stay.

“You’re an amazing person too,” Sunset responds with a smile. Standing up, Sunset locks her lips with mine, sending electricity down my back. Why is she…? Is she using our nights together as opportunities where she can pretend she is with the one she loves? Closing her eyes to glue another person’s face on mine? “Stay with me. For tonight,” she pleads through kisses. I… I should feel hurt that she’s using me to replace someone else, but… At the same time, my heart feels numb already. It’s hard to feel anything when she just told me she loves someone else… What would it hurt? It’s not like I can crack my heart anymore. As long as it helps her feel better, then it’s okay to give her what she wants…

After this, I can finally stop feeling this love…

Heavy panting fills the air. Our bodies are as naked as ever, but it feels warmer than any blanket ever could. Looking down at her, I can’t help but bite my lip. Her eyes are closed once more, moans of pleasure escaping her lips. As I grind against her, I can feel a small fire of anger light in my heart. Now that I know what is going on behind her closed eyes, I can’t really get it out of my head. It’s infectious… I used to think that she had her eyes closed because the pleasure was too much for her. I guess it helps her avoid the reality of who it is on the other side. As much as I feel angry, I can’t seem to bring myself to hate her… I know how it feels after all. To have someone that seems…

Out of reach…

Pleasure courses through my body, barely outshining the heartache. Her expression is priceless for one simple fact. She’s more beautiful than ever now. It’s as if a light shines off of her. Maybe it’s the idea that she’s unreachable. That she’s not mine to kiss. After tonight, things will change… Hopefully she will get the strength to tell the person she loves what she feels. The strength I seem to lack. But I’m doing everything I can to enjoy this moment. What may be a momentary release for her is my last time I can revel in this lie. The last day I can deceive myself. If she can pretend, so can I… I can pretend that she is mine. And I am hers… That the way this night occurred was different. That… That I was the one she confessed to… Not the one she asked for input on a presentation about that same love…

Whoever it is that is in her mind, they are lucky. I wonder if they know that… If they know just how lucky they are. Sunset is not like anyone else in this world, so whoever has her eye must be special… I can’t stop my heart from wishing she would look at me. Wishing that I am the one she would say those silly words to… It’s not her fault that we’re in this situation. It’s mine. All mine. This love I feel in every fiber of my being is mine. Mine alone. This love belongs to me and that’s the part that hurts the most… I want it to be shared, but I can’t force that on her. I started this whole mess by letting my emotions get the better of me. She was simply there at the wrong time. I’m sorry… If I hadn’t asked you to cross your fingers, then I wouldn’t love you. But that is an impossibility now. It can’t be reversed. It can’t be changed. If I had known before, I would have stopped it, but I can’t. I just have to live with it…

I love you…

With one last movement, both of our bodies stop. At once, the only sound in this room is our heavy breathing. Sunset finally opens her eyes, a smile on her face. The soft pale light of the moon gently spills across her face as she looks up at me. I would be lying if I said the vision isn’t majestic… Despite the fact that our bodies have come to a stop, my heart refuses to stop beating, telling me that the person I love is right here. My body has not caught up with my mind. It hasn’t realized that Sunset isn’t in love with me… Her heart isn’t in the same space. Everything in me tells me to reach out and embrace her, holding her tight. I wouldn’t want to let go if I did that… She means so much to me that I still wish she would feel the same even now. A fruitless wish, but… still.

“Did you enjoy it too, dear?” she slowly asks me, her hand gingerly tracing circles on my cheek. Dear… Why would she call me that of all things? She doesn’t have to keep up that act anymore… She doesn’t have to pretend to care so much.

“Why do you do that?” My question seems to make her unsettled. Her gaze, unfaltering as it may be, changes to one of confusion. Her hand doesn’t move from my cheek, but the lazy circles have stopped entirely.

“Why do I…?” Sunset asks without even finishing her question, raising her eyebrow. Even after all this time, I still don’t understand her. Her actions remain an enigma to me, taunting me for not predicting them.

“Why are you calling me dear?” Getting off of her, I step off the bed, feeling my throat tighten. “We just got done and you’re still pretending to care. I don’t understand. You can stop lying now,” I tell her with a frustrated tone, wishing she would remain consistent. “I don’t need you to pretend anymore. I promise… Especially after you told me you’re in love with someone for real.”

“With someone?” Sunset asks in a bewildered tone, sitting up on the bed. “I’m not sure I understand.” The way she fiddles with her hands makes her seem anxious, watching me as I start to put my clothes back on. “Did I do something wrong?”

“I just want you to tell the truth, Sunset. That’s it. You don’t have to keep pretending for my sake. I’m okay,” I whisper with a sigh, feeling my heart finally slow down. “No more crossing your fingers.” I turn my gaze to see that Sunset looks completely shocked, shaking her head quickly.

“Adagio, no. What I said earlier… When I said I had experience, I meant I love-”

“One of your friends, I know.” I take a deep breath, trying to keep my composure. However, my eyes threaten to make me cry every couple of seconds. I’m done with this fictitious dance of ours. “You know your friends better than I do, so I’m sure any one of them would be lucky to hear about your feelings.” Sunset immediately shakes her head, standing up and placing her hands on my shoulders.

“Adagio, no. That’s not what I meant,” she tries to shush me, her eyes just as kind as ever. “I think there’s a misunderstanding here. I-”

“Then clear it up,” I interrupt her, feeling myself starting to lose control of my emotions. “Because I thought I understood everything pretty clearly a few minutes ago. Just tell me the truth. No more lying for my sake.”

“Adagio, I…” Sunset stops herself mid sentence to collect her thoughts. Her hands still hold onto my shoulders, offering a reassuring rub as she thinks to herself. “You want the truth?” Sunset slowly raises her hand in the same position as all the times she’s crossed her fingers in the past few months. My heart sinks as I stare at her hand, wondering why she would do this again when I asked for the truth. More importantly, why hasn’t she crossed them yet…? “I love you,” she whispers to me, making me look back at her hand. Her fingers still remain uncrossed… “I love you without my fingers crossed. The truth is that I love you… You. Not someone else. The real lie was when I crossed my fingers because… I’ve loved you for a long time.” Her smile is completely genuine. Her fingers are still straight and narrow, making my heart instantly start aching.

This can’t be real, can it…? I have to be dreaming… Imagining it.

“You… love me?” I whisper, feeling my body go numb. Everything in me is surging with energy, the idea making me happy beyond comparison. “Then… Why did you say that you knew me better than I knew myself? I thought you meant one of your friends…”

“Because I probably do know you better,” she tells me with a small laugh, hugging me as tight as she can. “Just like you probably know me better than I do. We all have our own subconscious actions and… I… I’m sorry I confused you.”

Slowly bringing my arms up, I can’t help but return the embrace. I feel so stupid, but… justified. In terms of misunderstandings, I guess we’re both prone to them. I… I just can’t believe it. She feels the same way… I may not know my own emotions very well, but I feel really really happy. For the first time since I’ve come to this world, I feel happy. Loved. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like I’ve wasted the last few months of my life chasing a delusion.

“I love you,” I finally let myself say out loud, holding her as close as possible. In this moment, it truly feels like nothing could tear us apart. “I love you too, Sunset. That will never be a lie.”