Cross Your Fingers

Chapter IV: Much Different Circumstances

“I love you… with my fingers crossed~”

Click.

Tapping a button, the audio rewinds again. The only source of light in my dark room comes from my phone. The screen simply tells me I have one voicemail. One that I have had saved on my phone for a couple of months now. As a silent tear falls down, I press the damned play button.

Click.

“I love you… with my fingers crossed~” she states enthusiastically again, causing me to rewind as soon as she finishes her sentence.

Click.

Even though the rest of the voicemail is simply her telling me the details of a day we scheduled to hang out a while ago, I am only interested in the last five seconds. Hitting play, I close my eyes, hoping that maybe I can trick myself. “I love you… with my fingers crossed~” she tells me again, the recording of her voice causing so much pain and comfort at the same time.

Those last four words have been killing me slowly every time she says them. Hitting rewind, I keep wondering how it would sound without the last part. No matter how I wish it, she won’t stop saying that last indicator just so she can let me know that she is lying. Whether it is the sight of her crossing her fingers or her actually telling me she is, I feel my heart cracking even more every time it happens. Despite the warmth of the blanket clinging to my skin, it feels like nothing compared to the warmth I feel when she says ‘I love you’. However, I feel colder than dead space with the addition of those last four words… Whatever affect I feel from her admitting her affection is killed in an instant as soon as she tells me it is a lie. A wonderfully torturous lie…

I am the one who got us into this situation… If I had not asked her to lie months ago, we wouldn’t be trapped here. She wouldn’t be lying to me at the end of every conversation, all while a beautiful smile tries to convince me she is telling the truth. It’s my fault. I’m the one that decided life was too overwhelming and I needed someone to tell me that lie. In return, I made myself believe it. Believe the idea that… I love her. Everything in me wants her to stop crossing her fingers… For her to mean it at the end of the day.

“Hearing those words will make you smile, right?” an echo of Sunset’s voice pops into my head unprompted. In an attempt to explain why she keeps saying the same lie, it only reaffirms that she is only doing it for me. To make me feel better. “I want to be here for you,” her whisper circles around my thoughts. “It’s okay to have emotions. To feel something.”

“Is it though?” I whisper in response as if she is really here. “Is it okay to feel something? God… All that has happened when I let myself feel something for another creature has proved to hurt me in the long run. I was just overwhelmed before. Now…” Now, my heart is cracking under the pressure. It was easier when I didn’t have to worry about feeling something with my heart. Just blaming the world. Being angry. But I can’t seem to be angry anymore. I just feel this overwhelming sense of dread now. As soon as I let myself be vulnerable with another person, I started down a path that has only made me feel worse. What started as a way to deceive myself into feeling better is now more like a poison.

Click.

“I love you… with-”

Click.

No… Too late. I want to hear the first part. Nothing more.

Click.

“I love you… w-”

Click.

Stop saying those words. Stop crossing your fingers. Stop lying to me. Tell me the truth, no matter the brutal reality. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me how you only wanted to make me feel better. At least it would be the truth, right? Maybe that would let my heart let go of these feelings. Or at least mean it when you say those words. But then again, why would it be me? Out of all your friends, I’m probably the most self-centered out of them all. Entitled. For good reason because there are only a few people out there who are worth my time.

You are one of them…

Click.

“I love you…”

Click.

Taking a deep breath, I feel my heart finally beat for the first time tonight. A couple of tears fall down my face as my body feels warmer. She doesn’t love me, but… her voice is so soft. Soothing. The only voice I have ever found comforting. In a certain way at least. It’s like that night all over again. Deceiving myself, but it is one of the best delusions. And one of the worst.

“I love you…” the audio of her voice plays again, my eyes closing at the thought.

A knock comes from my door, making me open my eyes once more. My phone is turned off and the light of the sun shines through my window blinds. Wasn’t it just night…? It was so dark a few seconds ago.

“Adagio?” Sonata’s voice comes through the door, slightly muffled by the barrier between us. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answer quickly, trying to compose myself. “What do you want?” I don’t feel like getting out of bed despite the morning light. I really hope she doesn’t make me go to the door. I don’t feel fine all things considered. Being social won’t exactly help me here…

“Well, you’ve been in there all day. And you have gone straight back to your room after work for the past few days without so much as a word in-between…” Sonata’s voice drips with concern, making me feel almost bad for leaving her in the dark. “I even tried to invite you to hang out last night, but you didn’t wait to hear me out. You just immediately went to bed,” Sonata confesses, sounding slightly hurt.

“I have been really tired lately. It’s nothing against you. It’s just… work,” I reply while still laying in bed. The blanket around me is almost like a barrier against the outside world, keeping everything else at bay. Everything that isn’t already in my mind.

“I have a waitress job too, so I know how tiring it can be,” Sonata replies with empathy. After a moment, I hear something press against my door. “But if… if this is something else, something more… You can talk to me. I promise. I won’t think any less of you. I-”

“-won’t judge you,” Sunset’s voice finishes her statement, reminding me how many times Sunset has told me something similar. “I care about you. I-”

“Hey!” Aria’s voice yells through the door, making me open my eyes again. Where did the sun go…? It’s dark again, making it hard to see anything in here except for the light coming from under the door. “What’s going on with you?” she asks in an almost angry tone. Was I imagining my whole interaction with Sonata?

“I told Sonata that I’m okay. I’m just-”

“You mean before you just shrugged her off and stopped responding? That was hours ago,” Aria explains in an accusatory voice. “Whatever is going on, you can’t just shut yourself away from the world. This is the kind of behavior stupid animals do when they’re dying.” The doorknob tries to open, but the lock keeps her out. “Adagio, don’t shut us out. I know you are strong and capable, but… god damn it, you should know we-”

“-love you,” Sunset’s voice finishes the words again, making me wonder what to say. What to do… I can feel myself spiraling, but it doesn’t seem like I can do anything to stop it. I feel so… alone…

“Aria, I fucked up, okay?” I loudly ask, bringing my hands to my head. “God, I fucked up. Is that what you want to hear? That something is wrong?” Sighing to myself, I try to breathe as much as I can. Silence follows, but I can hear Aria’s motions outside the door.

“How did you fuck up, Dagi?” she asks me quietly. Her voice much calmer than I have ever heard it before. “Whatever it is, I want to know.”

“I don’t think you would understand even if I did explain it,” I reply quietly, feeling myself get tired at the mere thought of detailing this complicated mess I have got myself in. How can I tell her that I fell in love with Sunset? That I want to hear her say those words truthfully…?

“At least give Sonata and me a chance to understand. Even if we don’t, we should have the chance to try.” Aria stops trying to open the door. Instead, it sounds like she just presses her hand to the door. “Come out. Please. We can have some cookies and talk out in the living room. No judgment. Whatever it is, Sonata and I just want to know what’s going on.” Despite her pleas, my bones feel heavy. My body doesn’t want to move from my bed. Not because of the warmth I feel, but due to the fear of what will happen once I remove the blanket from my body. It’s so easy to just dissolve in bed. To pretend that I don’t actually exist or have emotions after all. It’s so easy to pretend the world doesn’t exist from here. But she’s right… I do need to get out of bed before I lose my mind.

“Just… give me one hour,” I respond, trying to wake myself up more. I could really use the time to just… prepare. Think of the right words to say. Maybe if I explain it right, I won’t sound so crazy to them. All I have to do is tell them what happened. How I feel. And how I wish Sunset would feel…

“Thirty minutes. I’m calling a locksmith if you’re not out by then,” Aria warns me, but her voice is filled with more concern than actual threats. Although, I know she’s serious about that statement. Unless I want my door ruined, I should go ahead and get ready…

“So, let me get this straight,” Aria says, sitting across the coffee table from me. Sonata is sitting next to her with a notebook in hand, looking like she is studying for some exam. “You hooked up with Sunset, but got emotional and asked her to lie to you.”

“So you could pretend that she cares,” Sonata continues, pointing at her notebook.

“And she did without much hesitation, but now the lie isn’t nice because you actually feel something for her,” Aria states while bringing her hands out in front of her as if she is showing me a timeline.

“Don’t forget that along the way, Dagi has been beating herself up for having emotions like these because we’re sirens,” Sonata corrects Aria, making my purple friend sigh.

“Okay, that part I actually kind of understand. I would feel stupid and weak if I had those emotions too.” Before Aria can say another word, she is immediately shut up by a mean stare from Sonata, making both of us stop in our tracks. “But she’s not wrong for having those emotions. It’s just a new process for us,” Aria corrects herself, trying to get Sonata to stop giving her a death glare. Thankfully, it works.

“And now you wish Sunset would stop lying to you and would share your feelings,” Sonata says in an unsure tone, as if she wants me to confirm what her notes say.

“Yes, that’s correct,” I whisper in an annoyed tone, almost feeling tempted to roll my eyes. When Aria said to come out and tell them what is going on, I wasn’t expecting to get psychoanalyzed like this. While I am glad they are not judging me like I thought they would, it’s still clear they don’t fully understand where I am coming from. I appreciate the effort, but this isn’t really helping me feel better.

“So… Why don’t you just tell her?” Aria asks me as if it is such an obvious answer. Sonata hits her on the shoulder, causing Aria to jump. “What?! Am I wrong? That seems like the next logical step for her relationship with her fuck budd-” Aria shuts herself up, taking a deep breath. “I uh… I mean your friend. Still though… Telling her seems like the most straightforward way to resolve this, as sappy as it is.”

“I can’t. It’s… more complicated than that. She and I have been lying to each other for the past few months. I started this whole situation and she’s just been doing it to make me feel better.” I look away from the two of them, trying to collect my thoughts. “Besides… If I tell her I love her, she will just assume I mean it like we have been saying it. Just another misunderstanding like before…”

“Like before?” Sonata asks in bewilderment, staring into my soul for some kind of answer. “You mean this happened before? You tried to tell her?”

“I’m so fucking confused,” Aria laments as she holds her head, trying to gather all of the facts. For a brief moment, I almost feel tempted to laugh. She’s not alone in that feeling… I’ve been confused for a long time now.

“Look. It happened a couple of months ago. I tried to tell her, but I couldn’t really form the right words to say.” Mainly because I’m not good at being vulnerable with others. “I told her I wanted her and she thought I meant that I wanted to… Nevermind. The point is that I’ve tried it before and it didn’t work. More importantly is the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to correct her, especially when she thinks we’re just friends.”

“Friends,” Sonata remarks with disbelief, shaking her head. “Dagi, you two are more like friends with benefits. You know, since you’re still actively fucking.” Both Aria and I look at her in surprise. Aside from the uncharacteristic tone of her voice, it’s not often that she curses… “What? So you two can say all kinds of stuff, but when I say one thing to explain their entanglement, I’m the bad guy?” Aria puts her hand on Sonata’s shoulder.

“No no. If anything I am proud of you. You’re finally not such a moron,” Aria says with a tear coming to her eye as if she is watching a pupil grow into the master. Why do they have to be so fucking stupid?

“Can we focus? Do you have any more ideas other than just telling her?” My question brings their attention back to me. I’m honestly looking for anything here. Any suggestion that can make this pain stop. To make my heart stop aching.

“To be completely honest…” Aria sighs to herself, shrugging at my inquiry. “No. Not really. You opened your heart up. That’s one of the biggest traps in history. The only solutions I see is you either tell her or you kill your feelings. Kinda sucks for you,” Aria states as she lifts her cup of water as if it is a toast to me.

“And considering you’ve been trying to stop feeling this way,” Sonata speaks up with an awkward expression. “I think you can only really give her the choice. At that point, it isn’t your responsibility any more. Then it would be her decision to make.” Not much of a decision considering how she will probably react. If I am right in my assumption that she’s been lying the whole time, then she isn’t going to feel the same way. But… thinking about living my life without her hurts. Why did I have to get so attached? “Who knows? Maybe she’s the one that has been wanting to say those few words for real this whole time…” I think I’d know it if she had felt the same way. There would be hints, but I haven’t seen any. She’s just been friendly. Except for the cherry cheesecake incident… And holding my hand? Do friends do that normally?

Telling her is a huge risk because… If she doesn’t feel the same, she might not want to spend time with me anymore. Seeing her beautiful smile is so nice… Her caring touch always lets me know that she genuinely wants to help. Do I really want to risk losing that connection? That time with her? Losing the connection with the one person in this god forsaken world that is worth my time aside from the two people sitting in front of me… But… if that connection is all based on a lie I am perpetuating, then is it even real? Wouldn’t it be more honest to myself if I just let myself be vulnerable one more time to tell her what my heart thinks?

“Just… fine. What exactly do you two suggest?” I ask quietly. I can’t help but feel like I am making a mistake by even considering their advice, but this seems like my one option other than just pretending like everything is okay when it is clearly not. I can’t keep spending my days in my room, crying about how I feel. And listening to a recording of what I want… Spiraling down stairs of depression isn’t exactly very powerful… If I want to keep my head on straight, it’s time I solve this problem.

“Well, you could shoot her a text. Short and simple. You can immediately get an answer and if it isn’t great, you won’t have to see her aga-” Aria is jabbed in the ribs by Sonata, making her gasp in pain. “First off. OW! Secondly, what the fuck was that for? Are you stupid? I’m trying to give her an idea here.”

“A bad idea at that,” Sonata replies with a pout, making Aria snarl. She opens her mouth in anticipation to yell, but Sonata cuts her off. “That’s not exactly the best way… You should tell her face to face. It’s more personal that way. More emotional. It may make you vulnerable, but I think she deserves that kind of respect.”

“That still doesn’t tell me how,” I reply with a roll of my eyes, wishing one of us was a relationship expert. Unfortunately, all of us are antisocial to one degree or the other. I usually get annoyed by others due to their stupidity. Aria just hates people in general. And Sonata? Sonata is just socially awkward… Not because she is afraid of other people. She just isn’t very good at reading a room.

“To be fair to us, we haven’t exactly been in this situation,” Aria responds with a shrug, leaning back. “I guess the best way would be for you to just… ask to meet somewhere private. And tell her I guess…? I don’t know. That’s all I can think of.”

“You should probably make sure she knows how much you appreciate her. How much you have valued your time together,” Sonata mentions with a small smile. “You know… Tell her that the time has meant the world to you. It may not be easy, but providing that context to your feelings should help you somewhat.” Context… I guess that’s not a bad idea. I could talk to her about our time together before transitioning to what that time has made me feel. Not bad, Sonata.

“Those are both good suggestions. I think… Is there anything else we-” My phone starts vibrating violently in my pocket, the ringing noise alerting all three of us to the new notification. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see the number is one that is all too familiar. “It’s Sunset.” It’s like she knew we were talking about her… Pressing the answer button, I slowly bring the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

“Hey, Adagio~ How are you feeling?” she asks me politely, her kind voice just as soothing as it is in real life. If she knew how I am really feeling, this would be a much different conversation…

“I’m fine. Just tired,” I lie, falling back on the reliable answer. Considering the fact that I have used that answer three times today, I should probably get a new excuse. “What’s going on?” Sonata and Aria both gesture for me to turn it to the speaker so they can hear what is said. Even though I don’t want to, it might help them get a better idea of my current set of circumstances.

“Do I always need a reason to call you? Is it wrong if I say I missed your voice?” Sunset asks me in a teasing tone, but I can tell she has something on her mind. Something that she is eager to share. “Alright, I do have a reason. I was kind of wondering if you were doing anything tonight,” she says with a high note at the end of her sentence framing it like an unsure statement.

“Tonight?” I look at the clock, seeing the time is only two hours away from midnight. “Do you know what time it is?”

“I know, I know. Short notice, but… I kind of wanted your input on something.” Sunset’s tone sounds sheepish. The way she speaks tells me she knows how crazy she sounds and doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. “You don’t have to come tonight. I would understand. Whenever you have the time is fine with me.” Looking at the other two, I weigh my options carefully. While I haven’t had much time to prepare, is it the worst thing to go over tonight? I’m not entirely sure…

“No, I can come over. I can,” I tell her quietly, trying to reassure myself that it will be okay despite my heart beating faster. Be still my heart…

“Great! I have something I want to show you and talk about,” she expresses with a joyous tone, making it hard to refuse. “I’ll see you when you get here! Make sure to call me if something goes wrong, okay? If you need anyone, I… want to be that someone.” As the call hangs up, both Sonata and Aria look at me with amused stares. I can already tell what they are going to say. The upcoming teasing is going to make fun of me for not trying to tell her sooner. But… nothing Sunset said is definitive proof that she would feel the same.

“Is it wrong if I say I missed your voice?” Aria repeats Sunset’s words in a mocking tone. “Seriously? Does she make comments like that all the time? Because if she does, then I don’t think you have much to worry about.” Sonata nods at Aria’s words, making me feel outnumbered.

“She also said that she’d like to be the person Adagio calls if she needs ANYONE,” Sonata giggles, making me roll my eyes. Even though they think those comments are obvious signs, they don’t know her like I do. She’s just… really kind. She does a lot of these things with her other friends too… It’s not likely she means something by those words.