“This is a bad idea,” Tidal Island said, his eyes bulging more and more, as he was running through the contract.
”You’ve said the same thing before my wedding, pal.” The ever-blasé voice of Hughbert Jellius, was showing the slightest bit of concern behind the thick drape of irony. “Either my marriage was a bad idea, or my divorce is. They can’t be both.”
“Looking at this, they very much can.” Tidal finally looked up from the document with a worried expression. “And I say this as a friend.”
“Good thing I called you here as my lawyer today. What’s your opinion, then?”
“As a lawyer?” Tidal took a quick sip of his mulled wine. “Well, in my professional opinion, you might as well sign this with your blood. You’re signing away your life, anyway.”
“When you deal with the devil, there are exactly two things you can pay with. I give one so I may keep the other.” Jellius swirled around his own drink before taking a hearty gulp. “Which is why you are here, to make sure this paper says what I think it says, and it cannot be lawyerly misconstrued in any way whatsoever.”
“We could take this to the court. Pro Bono, of course,” the lawyer added, trying to guess his friend's next objection. “I can definitely get you more than this.”
“Thank you, Tidal, but Misty knows that if we take this to court, she can get almost full custody. To the court, she will be the mum who’s done nothing wrong, and I’m the recovering addict, with a job, but without a place to go, put in an emotionally vulnerable place.”
“You will have Berry’s testimony,” Tidal objected. “The Foal Protective Services are very amenable to the foal’s wishes in divorce cases. At which point, you’ll get the house and she will be the one without accommodation.”
“Probably. But I have no evidence of any of her… atrocities, and she knows that, so I have no chance of denying her visitation rights or something, and I don’t want Berry to spend one second more with that monster than she has to.”
“Based on this, I don’t think she wants to spend a second with Berry,” Tidal said, holding the contract up. “Didn’t you basically have to beg her to keep Berry in the first place?”
“Beg, beseech, or marry, call it whatever you will, but yes. I know that, and you know that, but the judge doesn’t,” Jellius said, clearly having spent the time thinking this through. “And this offer is neither signed or notarised, so, as evidence, this holds about as much weight… as a piece of paper, I guess. So, do you honestly think she wouldn’t fight for Berry just to spite me?”
Tidal took another sip of his wine. “She really is the embodiment of the spirit of holidays, isn’t she?” He put down his glass and massaged his temple trying to figure out how could someone be so heartless two weeks before Hearth’s Warming Eve? “How in the Cadence did you even last this long?”
“You were the one who told me she was called the ‘vacuum cleaner’ before she flunked out of college, right?”
“Yes?”
“Well, seeing that she probably cleaned up the house… twice while we were married… I would say it was that.”
“Sweet mother of Flurry Heart.”
“Yeah.” Jellius acknowledged his friend’s amazement with a wry smile. “Also, she is drop dead gorgeous and knows how to make someone feel loved if it suits her. Though, I would have appreciated if there was more Rainbow Dash and less Rarity in how she utilised her abilities.”
“Heh.” The lawyer looked at the proposal one more time. “So, that’s it, then, you are really doing this?” Tidal looked back at his friend, but, seeing his unswerving expression, he continued. “This is very thorough, she gets every single bit of shared property, which, without a prenup, basically means everything that is not in your wallet right now. Very much including everything you brought to the marriage.”
“Is that even legal?” Jellius asked, slightly perplexed.
“Technically, yes, because you willfully forfeit everything. Which is why she needs you to offer the proposal. I could save you at least your own stuff, but, for that, we would have to go to court.”
For a moment, Jellius thought about the many knick knacks and memories he was bequeathed from his parents, serving him as the only reminders of their existence. “Then down they go the drain.”
“There is one thing though: according to this, you would have to pay part of the mortgage proportionally to your relative incomes. Which for her would be zero given she finds himself a chump to pay her bills, but that’s probably happened already.”
“So, she takes the house and I’ll have to pay for it. Fantastic.” Jellius rolled his eyes and downed most of the rest of his drink.
“No, that's the thing, that part’s completely unenforceable. She probably banks on you not knowing this. I’ll just remove it.”
“If it’s unenforceable, maybe we should keep it in. I don’t want her to come up with new ideas when she sees we modified her proposal.”
“As you’ve said, right now, this is not an offer, officially. So I will have to write it up, have her sign it, and have the whole thing notarised. And I will not have my reputation tarnished by handing in such substandard paperwork.” As Tidal was talking, he fished out a quill and some ink from his satchel and started to scribble on the paper, noting which part he would have to change.
“Thank you, Tidal. I don’t know how just yet, but I will repay you as soon as…”
“Never.” Tidal stopped and looked up from the paper. ”I don’t want to see a single bit from you. In fact, about that apartment you told me you like? I’ll cover the security deposit as well. You’ll have plenty enough stuff to buy as is. And the last thing I need is that you start using jelly again.”
“Letting me keep more of my money seems counterintuitive to that.”
Tidal sighed morosely. “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.”
“You’re the best stallion alive.” Jellius held up his glass, looking at his friend
“I doubt.” Tidal looked up and clinked his own glass. “The last time I was called that got you into this mess.”
The house was… spacious. Mostly due to the lack of furniture inside, but it had two rooms, a kitchen, and a small bathroom which was more than enough for the time being. Since he had to bother with moving, Tidal promised he would bring Berry home from school.
Jellius walked into the smaller room, looking at the tidily made mattress on the floor. Misty, of course, didn’t let him take Berry’s normal bed, and Tidal insisted on having separate places to sleep so as not to let the FPS agent’s mind wonder why Jellius really wanted to keep his daughter all for himself. Jellius knew the whole charade was going to last exactly until Berry’s first nightmare, but what could he do? And, of course, he couldn’t afford a full foal-sized bed, and since they didn’t sell foal-sized mattresses, he had to buy a normal one, just so he could eventually buy a bedframe, the combined cost of which was, of course, well above the small-sized bed. Just one more way the world was set up to buck the poor.
He walked over to the kitchen and looked around. A stove, the oven part was broken, but the landlord told him if Jellius had it replaced, he would deduct it from the rent. Of course, for that, he would have to have the money to buy a stove on hoof, which was not going to happen for the foreseeable future. He looked into the pantry and saw the same pot and two sets of dishes and utensils. Nothing foal-sized, but that was the least of his problems.
Luckily, Ponyville was in the middle of a bunch of farmlands, so food prices were not going to be a major problem past his first paycheck, and until then? Until then, it’s going to be “every meal is oatmeal” times. Pony slaves throughout history were kept on this diet for years before they died, so technically it should be feasible for 26 days right? Right.
At least Jellius had brought Berry to the farrier two weeks before, buying her a nice new set of horseshoes. Truth be told, they were nicer than they could really afford, but knowing this was the last time he could use their “shared” wealth to buy anything before the divorce, he decided to splurge. Jellius still remembered the moment when she hesitantly pointed at the most expensive set of horseshoes they had in her size, and watched as her father just nodded. The smile on her little face…
A smile Jellius would not see for a very long time. Jellius stepped back and, faced with the sheer emptiness of the apartment, his eyes welled up with tears. He had nothing, no toys, barely any clothes, he had a job, and some salary, but there was no way he would be able to take overtime as a single parent. In fact, between all the things he would have to juggle in Berry’s life, how long until his boss would have enough and fire him? And even if that didn’t happen, what if she had an accident, a sudden illness or anything, what would he do then? He had nothing… he was nothing.
“DADDY!” A loud cheerful shout echoed through the room, leaving just enough time for Jellius to catch the little rascal running at him full steam.
“AAAAH! I have been attacked by the famous Strawberry Jellytinous Cube,” Jellius shouted as he took a few tumbles with Berry in his hooves, ending in the middle of the room. “There is only one way to defeat this mighty beast! The Zerbert manoeuvre!” Then, Jellius proceeded to blow the world's longest, most vicious raspberry on Berry’s stomach.
“Stop it, Dad, I‘m ticklish!” Berry laughed uncontrollably, continuing for a few seconds, even after Jellius decided to graciously show her mercy and stop. “You’re so funny, dad!” She laughed and stood up, looking around in the living room while her father greeted his best friend.
“You got a Hearth’s Warming tree!” Berry shouted, clapping her little hooves in excitement.
“Well, it wouldn’t be Hearth’s Warming Eve without a… tree,” Jellius answered as he scratched his nape in embarrassment. Truth be told, it was not much of a tree. Just right for not much of a father. It was a plastic replica, just over two feet tall that spent most of the last three years in a shed under several cubic meters of other junk. Jellius got it last week when he helped one of his co-worker clean out his house. He did his best to somehow bend it into a tree shape, but, in the end, he still needed to convince himself that some conifers had distinct s-shaped bends in their trunk.
“You are so silly, Dad!” Berry’s voice promptly snapped him out of his lamentations. “Hats are not for trees.”
Jellius focused on the top of the tree, on which he had put a Santa hat in lieu of a proper topper. It seemed like a good idea at the time, given he could take a hat from his workplace for free.
“Duh… I knew that,” Jellius retorted deliberately, quite unconvincingly. “I just put it there until you came home.” And, with that, he put the hat on Berry, pulling it down deep over her eyes.
“If I may,” Tidal interjected, “I think the present moment is calling me to present my well… present,” he said as he reached for his satchel.
“Tidal, I told you not to get us anything. You’ve already helped so much….” Jellius started to complain, but Tidal held a hoof up, instantly stopping him.
“Jellius, I promise there is nothing in this bag that you will get and I paid money for,” Tidal said, finally managing to take his polaroid camera from his satchel.
“So, I assume you’re either getting your film for free, or you’re meaning to keep the picture for yourself.”
“Nitpicker,” sighed Tidal.
“Lawyer.” Jellius stuck his tongue out.
“Fair enough,” Tidal said, rolling his eyes. “Now, Berry, please move over next to the tree; I want to take a picture of you and your father.
“Daddy, lift me up. I want to be on your back! Please, please, PLEASE!” Berry pleaded with a charming pout on her face.
“Of course, Sugarcube!” Jellius answered and bent his front knees to help Berry climb up on his back. He didn’t even manage to stand up completely when he sensed something plush and red being put on his head.
“HA-HA, Daddy! Now you are Santa!” Berry laughed as she propped herself on Jellius’ neck, while he was trying to back into the corner next to the tree.
“Allright, if everyone is ready,” Tidal said looking through his camera. “3, 2…” Tidal got to that point in his count when Jellius felt Berry lay down on his neck, lock her legs around his throat, swing down upside down, hold out one her front hooves, and smile at the camera like a born revue dancer.
“Whoah… there, lady!” neighed Jellius. “Next time you plan a stunt like this, please consult me first, so I can brace myself.” He wanted to sound at least a little bit mad just to instill a little caution into the pint-sized scallywag, but if he had any caution to begin with, the bundle of joy wouldn’t even exist, so, instead, he just rotated her back onto his back and looked at Tidal.
“So, I assume we have to redo the whole thing?” Jellius felt his face was already turning red as he realised that means his friend had to waste another piece of film on him, and those were not cheap.
“I don’t know, I think I managed to capture the moment reasonably well.” The ear-to-ear smile on the normally stoic lawyer’s face told Jellius just how well that capture must have gone.
“Let me see it, Tidal,” Jellius asked with the slightest hint of annoyance in his voice as he stepped over to his friend.
“No, Jelly, this is not your present, so it’s not your call,” Tidal said and pulled the santa hat down into Jellius’ face. “Do you like it, Berry?”
“I LOVE IT, uncle Island, I love it so much! You are the best uncle ever!”
Jellius tried to get a glance on the photo, but by the time he managed to remove that stupid hat from his vision, Berry was squeezing the photo so hard to her little barrel that Jellius had no chance of looking at it. Before he could even think of a way to charm the possibly compromising photo out of his daughter’s vise-like grip, Tidal spoke up again.
“Your present is a bit different, Jelly,” Tidal said as he fished out three progressively older tomes from his satchel. As soon as Jellius realised what they were, his pupils dilated to the size of saucepans and his jaw almost fell off.
“Are those…” Jellius mumbled, pointing at the tomes, stunned.
“Your old family photo albums?” Tidal asked, looking very, very smug. “Yes, they are.”
“How on Equestria did you manage to make her give you these… Wait, don’t tell me you paid her off.”
“Remember my promise: you won’t get anything from me I paid money for. Which is why I gave the picture to Berry. KABUUM! Lawyered,” Tidal quipped, though he saw his joke barely even registered in his friend’s brain.
“Then… How?” Jellius whispered, completely mesmerised, as he gingerly opened one and started to flip through it to see if it was actually real.
“Well, when I went over to Misty to have her sign the paperwork, she refused to use my pen As if I needed to resort to such cantrips if I wanted to fu… deceive her.” Tidal abruptly changed the wording as he glanced at Berry. “And as she was searching, I looked around, noticed them, and figured she probably wouldn’t miss them… So I kinda bagged them up… and nicked them,” Tidal said with a wicked grin on his face. “I did take the liberty of removing any photos with Misty. If you want to burn them yourself, you may collect them at my house.”
Jellius couldn’t answer. One by one, memories came back to him, many of his own, a few he only imagined for they were from before his time. His Grandfather in the Royal Equestrian Airforce Corporal. His parents at their first date at the Sugarcube corner. Their wedding in the Manehatten harbour on a Yacht. Him in a swaddle as a baby. The missing marriage picture. Berry as a baby. Berry in the park. Berry in school. Mementos of his life he gave up for good, all returned in one fell swoop.
Jellius dropped the last album and jumped over to Tidal, embracing him in the warmest hug he had ever given. “Thank you, Tidal! Thank you…” Jellius let two round, fat teardrops roll down his face as he closed his eyes. “I don’t know what I could do to ever repay you, but…”
Tidal broke the embrace and, with a warm smile on his face, he looked into his friend’s eyes. “Well, the newest album is kinda empty. Especially after my ‘purge’. You could start by doing something about that.”
Before Jellius could even answer with anything more than an enervated chuckle, Berry asked, “Daddy, can you tell me more about these pictures?”
And for the next hours, Jellius, with Berry in his lap, regaled the many stories connected to the myriad of pictures in the albums to the ever curious Berry. It was long after Tidal’s departure, as Luna’s moon reigned high over the nighttime sky, when, after a filling serving of cinnamon oatmeal and a quick bath, Barry was finally put to sleep. Being alone, Jellius finally had some time to look around in the house, and he found a lone picture on the ground.
Immediately realising what it was, he gently picked it up and looked at it. Had it not been for his daughter sleeping in the other room, he would have burst out laughing. “Well, Tidal, you definitely caught the moment,” Jellius said quietly.
The picture was Berry hanging upside down from his neck, with the cutest, most mischievous smile on her face, while Jellius’ face was half covered by that stupid santa hat, his mane splayed in every which way thanks to Berry’s acrobatics, his mouth and eyes both just opening wide as his face was being contorted by both surprise and a tinge of worry.
Jellius picked the newest album up and carefully slotted the picture into the first empty pouch. As Jellius looked into the baby blue eyes of his daughter, gleaming with joy and excitement, he realised that everything was going to be alright. No matter what, he was going to figure everything out. For her. After all, he was Hughbert Jellius, the stallion who had everything.
Because sometimes, in life, all you need…
…is a small tub of Strawberry Jelly.
Author's Note
First of all Mr PesudoBob: I'm sorry. I've tried my best, I really did, but your character of choice left me with very little to work with, so I really don't know what you'br wanted. Of course, that gave me inordinate amount of freedom, but I as a person work best with confines. My creativity (such as it is) needs something to start my nucleation process and you gave me very little. Like when Fimfic of all places doesn't have a tag for your character, you are probably in quite uncharted territory.
That is not a problem, neither is an excuse, you told me what you wanted, and I did my best. My best however is this.
In fact I was thinking to pawn you and your very ambiguous prompt to one of the infinitely more talented Breezies, and while that would have created the best possible story for you, it is neither in the spirit of the holiday or in my nature to let others do the work I volunteered for. At which point all I can do is hope.
That, and be grateful, because leaving (or at least stepping out of) my wheelhouse was probably a very valuable experience, that taught me a lot. So I have to thank you Mr PseudoBob.
There are also two characters I want discuss in ways I wasn't able to in the story:
1: Tidal Island is my OC, if you have read Comet Sighted you might remember that I noted that Sandbar's father is a lawyer. I knew I wanted to use this fact now that I had to write a lawyer character and a tidal island is just a large sandbar so this seemed like the perfect name. (Also Sandbar's father afaik is not mentioned in the wiki so I've assume he doesn't have a canon name)
2: The mother Misty is very heavily demonised in this story, and while I definitely doesn't think she has any redeeming quality, that is only because I didn't need any for this story, so I didn't think of any. Generally I loathe stories where one party is just right, because they are. However from the perspective of a recently divorced parent their partner often has very little - if any - redeeming qualities, so her presentation in the story in my mind more of a reflection of Jellius' thoughts of her then anything else.
