Twilight Sparkle wouldn't stop staring at her. They bounced along on Fluttershy’s back as the once-pony made steady headway towards their destination. Twilight had urged her to keep to treelines and any other sort of cover they could find. The alicorn herself was conspicuous enough, but Fluttershy was a whole different magnitude of ‘obviously something a flying changeling patrol should check on.’ Starlight was casually reclined against the rise of Fluttershy’s front shoulders, and Twilight kept staring.

“What.” She demanded flatly.

“I was just curious which Starlight I was looking at,” She flashed her a cheeky smile, “Don't worry, problem solved.”

“Oh great,” Starlight threw her hooves up, “This is about what Zecora said, isn't it?”

“Well it's not not about what Zecora said, but,” Twilight inched herself a bit closer, grin fading into concern, excruciatingly genuine, “You don't need to be a zebra mystic to tell that you're a mess right now, Starlight. She just helped put the pieces together.”

“Whatever you're thinking, it isn't like that.” She crossed her hooves to her chest and angled her head away.

“So you're not walking around with the memories and feelings of an entire different version of yourself in your head? You're not constantly in conflict with yourself over the basic fundamentals of who you are?” Her tone was light, just a bit teasing, but her face was still all concern, “Because I think that would be a little frightening.”

It took longer than it should have for Starlight to muster her fire, “Shove off, Sparkles, I can take care of myself.”

“So says Starlight number one, what about Starlight number two?”

“That does not matter,” Starlight snapped, “She’s not real, she never should have existed– she doesn't exist! I'm the real one, she's just a big pile of… Lies and worthless could-have-beens.”

“It helps to have a different perspective on things,” Twilight insisted, “Even if she's not real to you, you should still take the chance to see things in a different light.”

“Goodie, now we're doing friendship lectures! Would that make you feel less guilty about screwing up my head? If I saw just how good a life full of friendship could be?” She rose from her reclined position, sitting upright, glaring hard at Twilight, “Well it's cold comfort! You miss out on your magical friends and it all goes belly-up, but I keep just one–” She deflated in an instant. Her anger had carried her into a defeating revelation before she even saw where it was headed.

“Just one friend, and the world ends.”

“I'm not giving up on you,” Twilight said quietly. That was all the alicorn had, empty platitudes. No good friendship lesson to explain why Starlight had to suffer for the good of Equestria. No good explanation for why everything Starlight thought she had came crashing down every single time.

She scoffed and turned away, “Don't worry, Starlight-Two says we're very sorry for hurting your feelings, princess.” She laid down and curled into a tight ball. She closed her eyes and tried to shut out the world. It was still a long ride left to this rock farm.

The rock farm didn't look like much. Well, Starlight decided it certainly did look like a rock farm. There were rocks, and a fence like a farm. There were also a few ponies around the edges of the large field, eyeing them warily. None of them looked at all like what Starlight pictured of Pinkie Pie. Where the Element of Laughter was pink and obnoxious and completely absurd, the ponies she spotted were grey and dull and sedate. If they were relatives, well, the apple was apparently pitched out of the tree.

Twilight had leapt off Fluttershy before she had even come to a halt, and the alicorn took off running for the door, “Pinkie, it's me! Are you here, Pinkie?”

Starlight and Spike slid off their mount with a bit more care, and while Spike ran to catch up, Starlight lagged behind. By the time she made it over to Twilight, Spike had stopped panting from exertion, and the door swung open to reveal a dull pink mare with smooth, straight hair. Was this the Element of Laughter? They were obviously on the right track, but where was her, y'know, laughter?

“Oh… Hey Twilight, hey Spike, hey Starlight.” The pink pony greeted each of them in turn, and– Wait what? Twilight launched into a rambling explanation of who they were and how they definitely weren’t changelings in disguise. Had she not noticed? She glanced down at Spike. Had nopony noticed? No, Spike was meeting her look, a brow raised in question.

Why did Pinkie Pie know her name?

“Um, obviously you're not a changeling,” Pinkie replied to Twilight in monotone flat affect, “So whaddya want from me?”

“We need your help, obviously!” Twilight seemed exasperated, and not the least bit confused. She probably expected fanfare from Pinkie Pie the moment she arrived, “You're our Element of Laughter, we need you to help us charge the spell and put all this right.”

Even Starlight, for all the cynicism she could muster, was shocked to her core when all Pinkie said was “What's the point?” The pink pony turned and disappeared inside the house. Twilight darted in after her, and Starlight and Spike matched looks with each other once again before following.

“What do you mean, what's the point? The point is we can fix all this!”

Pinkie Pie flopped onto a couch, “You said it yourself, Twilight, everything that went wrong here was stuff you didn't even know about back in your world. How's it gonna be any different?” She stretched and sighed, “And Rainbow Dash is in changeling prison, and Fluttershy probably got eaten by a nasty monster in the woods, so we'll never get all of us together.”

Starlight and Spike found seats for themselves as Twilight walked to a window and threw back the curtain. She pointed a stern hoof at the great form of Fluttershy out in the field, now being cautiously approached by a couple of Pinkie’s relatives. “Fluttershy is right there! We saved her! She looks a bit different now, but she's still the Element of Kindness, through and through. And we'll save Rainbow Dash, but we can't do it on our own. Won't you come through for our Element of Loyalty?”

Pinkie was shockingly bitter, “She's not your Element of Loyalty, because our Princess Twilight got… Got.”

Twilight was immediately reproachful, she approached Pinkie with a comforting hoof on her back, “Oh Celestia, I'm so sorry Pinkie, I didn't even think…” She shook her head, “I'm not her. I can't be your Twilight, and I don't want to replace her. I don't know what comes after, back on my world, I don't know if all this happens all over again. What I do know is that there are ponies hurting right now because of what I did, and I have to make it right. I have to put the world back the way it should be.”

Twilight’s eyes met Starlight's just briefly before the alicorn glanced away. She wished it made her feel better, not being the one looking guilty for once, but the look on Twilight's face made her feel wretched.

Pinkie looked unmoved. She let out a long sigh. “Well, I'll come if you need me to…”

Starlight wasn't terribly surprised when Twilight didn't start jumping for joy at the party pony’s begrudging agreement. She didn't know much about the Elements, but it was easy to figure the Element of Laughter wasn't worth much without her laughter. The conversation lapsed into an awkward silence at that, only broken up by the small shuffles of movement and the occasional dramatic sigh from Pinkie.

“Pinkie,” Starlight cut into the quiet, she just had to know, “Why did you know my name?”

Pinkie’s head turned to get a better look at her from the couch, “I know the name of every pony in Ponyville. Or I did. At one point.”

“But I– the version of me from here, she lived in Canterlot, she went to Celestia’s school.”

“Well duh,” Pinkie rolled her eyes. It felt extra rude coming from her. “But you were in Ponyville when you came down from Canterlot every weekend. You were always admiring Twilight and her castle and all the rest of us too.”

That actually wasn't a surprise for Starlight at this point, she knew why her other self held such worship for Twilight. The alicorn herself, however, looked surprised and just a little bit smug, “She was admiring me?”

“Oh yeah, every weekend. I always told her to just go talk to you, and she always told me that you were too busy, you'd already done enough for her, you didn't have time for her.”

“Plenty of time now,” Spike joked, catching a pair of glares from Pinkie and Twilight. In spite of herself, Starlight had to stifle a laugh. It seemed to her that Spike was the best Element of Laughter they had on hoof right now. Actually, that gave her an idea…

“Especially if she's got a double,” Starlight quipped back in defiance of the mood. Both ponies shot looks at her now.

Spike gave her a devilish grin, “Please, that's only barely enough, they'd be way too busy comparing lists.”

“You're right, Spike, two of her might be just enough to get a friendship lesson to stick in my head.” The little dragon cackled at that.

“Or put you to sleep twice as fast!” That got a giggle from Starlight, one hoof to her mouth.

“What is–” Twilight started, but Starlight cut back in.

“One lecture per ear, she could only dream of being that boring!”

“Hey! Rude!”

Spike and Starlight both looked at each other in the beat of silence that followed Twilight’s admonition. Then, slowly, they began to crack up, mouths twisting into grins and little giggles. The bewilderment on Twilight’s face was the final straw, looking like she'd just heard a completely different conversation. The pair started to laugh and couldn't stop themselves. They fell to the floor, kicking their heels. That was when, surprising even herself, Starlight snorted.

She slapped her hooves to her mouth. The room went dead silent. All eyes on her. Her cheeks burned and she was sure she was blushing. She was only rescued by a tiny smattering of laughs from the other side of the room. Everypony looked at Pinkie Pie, and she started to giggle, then chuckle, rising into a guffaw, and crescendoing into a cackle as every hair in her mane poofed and frizzed into a tangled mess. The colors in the room grew brighter, bolder. The energy alone was infectious.

There was a loud thump as Pinkie Pie rolled off the couch. It only made her laugh harder.

Everypony joined in then, even Twilight who seemed to have forgotten why she was sour in the first place. The door nudged open and Fluttershy’s head poked in– She couldn't exactly laugh but she certainly wasn't going to be left out of the fun.

“Pinkie,” Twilight cried, “Your mane!” Now she pranced and tapped around like a giddy foal. Her Element of Laughter was back, and she had brought hope with her.

“Ah geez Twilight, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me!” Pinkie Pie was suddenly across the room and yanking the alicorn into a tight hug that lifted her from the floor, “Existential dread suuure is heavy!”

“I'm the one who should be apologizing, Pinkie, I've been so focused on getting back home, I didn't stop to think how you girls must be feeling. Even if… Even if I fix things and this all goes away, we're here together right now, and that matters.”

Starlight and Spike turned back to each other, and Starlight gave him a genuine smile. Just a day or two ago, she had been a heartbeat from smearing him across the Cutie Map, and now it was almost like they were…

Starlight's heart lurched. She wouldn't think that next word. She couldn't. Suddenly, in a room full of laughing, smiling creatures, she felt very sick and very alone. This would all go away soon. None of it was real, none of it mattered. They'd forget her again, and remember what they should, remember the villain, and everything would go back to the way it was supposed to be.

Alone. That's what she was supposed to be.

The Princess and her two Elements were busy catching up with each other. The colors that had moments ago seemed so bright were now only jarring and harsh. She couldn’t stand it.

She excused herself to the bathroom. None of them took much notice. None of them but Spike. He was still watching her, his eyes following her across the room to the door. Just before she closed it, she saw him scurry over to Twilight.

She locked the door behind her, and sobbed as quietly as she could.

It wasn't fair that her mind could feel so broken up in so many contradictory ways. One half of her had everything she ever could have wanted, and all it cost was the whole entire world, somehow. The other half knew that the price of fixing the world meant her own misery, suffering every step of the way towards achieving… What, exactly? It had all fallen apart. Twilight had doomed the world to stop her, but Starlight had ruined it in the first place, in the real timeline, in the name of petty vengeance.

There was a knock at the door. She bucked it, leaving an unimpressive dent and pulling a yelp from the pony outside. She wrenched it open with her magic, adrenaline carrying through her through the wave of fatigue, and found Twilight pressed to the wall, looking shocked. They stared at each other. Starlight knew she was a mess. She stepped back inside, locked the door again, and curled up in the cold bathtub.

She had a nightmare about the changeling hive. The details were hazy, but the memory of the changeling queen was crystal clear. She wasn’t sure how she knew what the queen looked like, but she did.

In the morning, Twilight and her friends had convinced Spike to coax Starlight out. That’s how she knew she had gotten too soft on him. Although, she wasn’t ashamed to admit the smell of fresh pancakes had helped. Nopony could explain to her where Pinkie had gotten the ingredients at such a time.

Over breakfast, Twilight got her caught up on their plans while Starlight did her best to ignore any elephants in the room. And also Pinkie Pie. The pony was way too chipper, and preoccupied with launching pancakes out the window and into Fluttershy’s waiting mouth.

“Pinkie Pie told me that Rarity is in Canterlot, so that’s our next destination,” Twilight explained, pausing to take a bite of pancakes.

“Under Canterlot, I said under Canterlot. The caves, silly!” Pinkie Pie pulled the spatula back and flung a full stack of pancakes out into the field. The ground shook and dishes clattered as Fluttershy bounded off, going long.

“Under Canterlot, right, that’s where most of the city hid, but it’s sort of a resistance operation now? Besides demanding food tithes and occasionally… Taking ponies, nopony sees much of the changelings, really. They’re strangely hooves off. The hive is there too though, so we’ll need to be careful.”

Starlight’s stomach knotted. She knew something about Canterlot that she definitely didn’t want to know, something important and terrible and she would remember if she just thought a little too much, so she kept the conversation going instead, “Why is Rarity there? Element of Generosity, if I remember your lecture right?”

“Generosity can be self-sacrifice, too,” Twilight replied quietly, and too quickly. Starlight felt a bit unsteady.

“When do we leave?”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

She nodded and began to thoughtlessly shovel pancakes into her mouth. It was a very tasty distraction.

Well-fed and mostly well-rested, the group set off again with a new member, waving goodbyes to Pinkie’s relatives as Fluttershy ambled away. Pinkie was perched atop her head, while Starlight held her previous spot at the bottom of the shoulders. Spike and Twilight sat together further down her back. Pinkie babbled away questions about the other timeline that nopony meaningfully answered. Starlight was feeling too distant to care, worrying about their destination and trying too hard to not think about what that destination was or what she knew she would find there. The knot of dread buried in her only got worse as they got closer, like it was a curse.

It was actually a bit of a relief to have Pinkie around, Starlight decided. Not because the pony had endeared herself to Starlight, but because it kept Twilight from badgering her with anything too serious. Pinkie was a one-pony conversation, filling the dead air on the long haul journey to Canterlot Mountain. Twilight kept glancing Starlight’s way, then looking away. She could tell it was killing her. Eventually Spike, watching the scene, rose from her lap and made his way up to Fluttershy’s neck, settling down next to Starlight’s head.

“You’re looking kinda panicked again,” He kept his voice low and Pinkie babbled right on over him, oblivious.

“Well Spike, apparently I lived in Canterlot, do you wanna put the pieces together? Cuz I don’t,” She hissed back.

“Scared you might see somepony you know?” She couldn’t tell if he was asking honestly or taking a jab at her, she was too high-strung.

“Just feels a bit more precarious is all.”

“How bad could it be?”

“From what I can remember, I don't think other-Starlight was winning many friends pining over Princess Twilight there.”

Spike leaned a little closer, “But you still had your foalhood friend, right?”

“Sure but,” She grimaced, “What's it mean if he's the only one?”

“Is he? The only one?”

“I don't know! It's not exactly easy to sift through somepony else’s memories.”

“Then there's no sense in worrying about it until we know more.” Spike relaxed back in his spot. Apparently he was staying. Starlight didn’t reply, Twilight was making hopeful little faces at her. Starlight was sure she was going to do that the whole rest of the way.

They had to leave Fluttershy a ways out from the mountain. As the massive hive loomed large overhead, they decided it would be safest to leave her in a patch of woods as close as they could feel comfortable next to the mountain. It was barely a minute before a varied cast of forest critters had perched atop her or burrowed down into her fur. That was good, Starlight didn't like the thought of her getting lonely. The others hugged the great beast goodbye. Starlight didn't, though she did offer a pleasant word or two. It was the least she owed her.

They set off barely past noon, the sun burning high in the sky. Starlight idly wondered if that was actually a reliable measure– it would depend on the changeling queen keeping proper time, after all. Idle thoughts about the changeling queen turned dark in a hurry, however, and Starlight was almost relieved when a certain pink pony came bouncing up beside her. Almost.

“So…?” Was all Pinkie Pie said, her tone full of unspoken expectation.

“So what.” Starlight was in no mood.

“So you're on an adventure with Twilight! Aren't you so excited? It's everything you could have wanted!”

Starlight just stared at her. She wasn't sure where to even start with that. “It wasn't technically really me who you met, you know that, right?”

Pinkie cocked her head, “She sure looked like you. Well, I guess you wear your mane different!”

Starlight heaved a long sigh, “It’s a lot more than just the mane. We lived very different lives.”

“So that's why you suddenly seem waaay friendlier!”

“Pinkie Pie, I'm the evil one.”

Pinkie cocked her head like Starlight had spoken nonsense, “Well you're definitely less shouty, and I don't think you talk about ponies behind their backs. Plus, your jokes are better, the Starlight I know never liked jokes. If you like a good joke, how evil can you be?”

Starlight furrowed her brow, intensely curious about the accusation Pinkie had leveled against her other half. She realized the earth pony was looking at her very expectantly– apparently her question had actually demanded an answer.

“Look, back where we're from, I tried to ruin Sparkles’ life. Technically I guess I'm still in the middle of trying.” Pinkie giggled at that, and Starlight just looked confused. “Was that funny? It wasn't supposed to be a joke.”

“If you hate her so much, it's kinda weird to give her a nickname, don't you think?”

Starlight scoffed and stammered, “No Pinkie, that's– It's a slight, I'm being rude, it's not a nickname!”

The pink pony didn't seem to be listening. She bounced a few steps forward and called out “Sparkles! Ohh Sparkles!” Twilight glanced back, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. Pinkie Pie replied with a funny face, sticking her tongue out and making a noise. Both girls broke out in fits of laughter, and Starlight hated that she had to hide a grin.

Pinkie paused a few steps as Starlight caught up, then fell in beside her, “I still like ‘Twi,’ but whatever boats your float!”

Starlight just rolled her eyes. She had to admit the party pony could be pretty funny, when she wasn't being an obnoxious pest. The feelings that her presence stirred up didn't help either, notes of genuine familiarity shining through from her cache of pilfered memories. Worst of all was the fact that Pinkie Pie might have a point. Starlight had been so preoccupied with sorting out who her feelings were supposed to belong to that she'd hardly spent any time actually feeling those feelings.

She was having fun.

It was actually, honestly fun to go gallivanting off on an adventure to save the world. It reminded her of those first few steps towards founding her village. Designing her ethos and guiding principles, staking a claim to her land, drawing in those first few ponies. It had filled her with a giddy sense of purpose, a feeling of accomplishment, like she had finally done something worthwhile with her life.

Her revenge had been a similar process, perhaps not so idyllic and lofty, but certainly satisfying as each piece had clicked its way into place. Those feelings felt bitter now. Twilight Sparkle had spoiled them all. Was it an accomplishment to bring the world back from a brink it would never remember being on? Was that Twilight’s last laugh? Starlight’s one good accomplishment across infinite realities and it would all be lost in the sands of possibility.

But no, she couldn't force herself to think of Twilight that way. Not anymore. Her villain side, her real side, had to face the music. Since the first moment, the alicorn had done nothing but show trust and concern for her. She had done nothing but try to help. Even this mess of a timeline came from Twilight trying to help. Well who asked her to help, anyways!

Every step of the way, Starlight had rejected her, tried to undermine her. Even now she was only helping for the sake of achieving some grand stroke of revenge after all’s said and done. What did it make her, if she was always at odds with the pony trying to save the day, always on the opposite side from the Princess of Friendship?

A villain. Of course she was the villain.

She stared up, the hive looming overhead. They were deep in its shadow now as they approached the foot of the mountain, marching towards a cavern that spiraled away into its depths. It was cold comfort to her that, villain or no, she was far from the worst of them.

The caves were dark, and it was slow going. Twilight and Starlight had to take turns sending tiny motes of light out ahead of them, supporting each other through each wave of exhaustion that followed. It wasn't intense work, and the after-effects were mild, but each one took its toll little by little as they went deeper into the earth. Eventually, thankfully, there was light from up ahead. They came upon a large wooden construction, a barrier with a sturdy door set in, haloed in glowing orbs that flared and dimmed in the unseen currents of magic.

They all stood around it. Twilight approached and knocked. Starlight expected Rarity to answer, like it was the obvious thing, the only thing that made sense. After all, they'd stumbled right onto the last four Elements of Harmony. Why not this one?

The door cracked open suspiciously. She caught only the barest edge of the pony’s face. It didn't matter, she knew that face anywhere.

Sunburst!

Sunburst was here!

She felt the urge to leap forward, to embrace her one and only, her truest friend, but she couldn’t. The edges of her vision started to blur and fade, and she managed just one step before her legs gave out beneath her. As she watched her body topple over, Starlight’s last fragment of conscious thought decided it was a surprise anypony could actually faint the way they do in books. Then, everything went black.

Author's Note

Halfway through now!

Really excited for the next chapter, I think it's my favorite in the whole fic and I hope you'll all enjoy it as well.