First Steps

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Everything was still in the room and nothing stirred. No sound was heard, other than hasty hoofsteps and a few, hectic shouts, which came from two floors below. Dust danced in the gloomy air, inside a small streak of light that fell in through a crack in the window shutters.

Pinkie Pie was sitting on her bed and watched the particles dance. When had she cleaned the last time? It didn't matter. It was a small thought, tiny and insignificant, compared to the thoughts that were on repeat inside her head. It was Hearth's Warming Eve, today, and she was sitting on her bed and pondered the question that had occurred to her last night when she went to sleep and that hadn't left her since then. The question that had stolen her sleep. But that also didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the answer. But what was the answer?

Pinkie Pie dragged her tired eyes across her room. The sounds still continued. It was a busy day, Hearth's Warming Eve, many customers came and went or wanted to be served. But that was not her concern. Not anymore. The two younger ponies could take care of this now. She wasn't needed.

What was she needed for? She was throwing parties. She had thrown parties for nearly her entire life. And she would do this for a good while longer, at least, for a few years. Not for many years anymore..... She wouldn't be able to do this for much longer, Pinkie Pie could feel. She had already slowed down a bit and taken some edge out of her parties, to make it easier for her old, creaking body. But a few years were still in it, Pinkie was sure of that. She wouldn't stop that soon. And once she did, she would still go out with a bang. She owed as much as that to her last party and to her entire party planner career. And then? After that, would anypony throw a party for her?

There it was again, that thought. That question. The question that stole her sleep. Would anypony? Throw a party for her? Or would everypony forget her, while they revelled in the fun another party planner brought them? What would happen, once she stepped off the party-planning stage?

It's been seventy years now. For seventy years, she had been throwing parties. Mostly for the ponies in Ponyville, some for ponies in other towns. Seventy years since she had gotten her cutie mark. Seventy years since her first party, at the rock farm. Her old home.....

Seventy years since she had moved to Ponyville and found a new home here, in this room, courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. Cake, who had accepted her and taken her in like she was their own daughter. Seventy years since she saw Cheese Sandwich for the first time, even though she had hardly given him recognition back then.

“Cheese.....” Pinkie muttered, an elderly rasp in the cheer of her voice. “You fool..... You never threw me a party, either.....” A word appeared in Pinkie Pie's mind, a word starting with “D”, but she paid it no attention, because it was silly and didn't make sense. “No point in getting a divorce..... The other D already got you.”

Pinkie Pie sighed and a single tear dropped from her eyes. “Besides, we always agreed on it that we don't throw any parties for each other, because we already were throwing so many parties together..... I can't blame you. But maybe I am too blame.....”

Pinkie's thoughts trailed back, two years ago. Two years ago, when Cheese Sandwich had been to Appleloosa, one of his yearly, traditional visits, and thrown a party for the buffalos there. And two years ago, when something had gone wrong with a giant party cannon..... An accident, that brought the big D upon Cheese Sandwich. The D nopony could avoid and that would, eventually, get her too. Cheese Sandwich, one of the greatest party planners of Equestria, had been taken by it at the age of 75. She was outliving him, her husband, by two years now.

Another word began to form in Pinkie's mind, when her heart ached and stung too much to bear, a word that started with the letter “S”, but Pinkie Pie shoved it away before it could take much shape. “No.....” she just muttered, weakly. It wasn't like her, doing that. She wouldn't reach for such extreme measures, her natural cheer stood in the way and was stronger. Still, the thought that this had occurred to her as possibility even for just a second scared Pinkie. But she shoved away this thought, too. She had always been good at shoving. Feats of a party planner. But only good. Not perfect.

Where was Lil' Cheese these days? For a moment, Pinkie didn't seem to remember. A thick cloud, made of disgusting, grey, dirty cotton candy appeared and wrapped itself around her brain. Her entire head began to feel heavy. Shouldn't he be here soon? Visiting for Hearth's Warming Eve? She looked into the depths of her room with dull, wide eyes, trying to pierce the cloud. Then it suddenly disappeared by itself, popped out of existence, and it was like it had never been there to begin with. Right. Lil' Cheese wasn't here. Not here in Ponyville and not anywhere close. He was in Manehattan. He had moved there seventeen years ago, to attend Culinary College. And eight years later, after graduating, her son could have moved back to Ponyville. But he didn't. He became a cook and stayed there. Now he was still a cook and he still lived there..... and he seldomly visited.

Her heart constricted. Momentarily, Pinkie feared a stroke was oncoming. It would have been the right time. Her age, her grief, her depression, the hectic and unsettling sounds from below. Maybe she wouldn't throw parties for a few more years. Maybe it would end now and her great party finale would never happen. She almost smiled at the thought. But then the feeling ebbed away, the pain became weaker and her heart kept beating steadily. Just like the doctor wanted to hear it through his stethoscope. Only a dull aching remained. But this had been here since yesterday.

She still pondered calling. She didn't need a hospital or a doctor or a nurse. But counselling? Pinkie wanted counselling now. But who would give it to her?

Pinkie Pie began to shake. Her body erupted into violent tremors. Not a stroke. Not a seizure. Just the side effect of the sobs that broke free from her throat now. She wrapped her hooves around her torso, instinctively, to contain the tremors. She sank down onto her mattress, lying on the side while the tears were wetting her face. She was old and alone. What was she good for? Throwing parties. And if she threw any more, then ponies would only care about their fun, but not about her. And if she stopped throwing parties right here and now, everypony would only miss their fun, but not her. She was the party-planning fun slave, she had always been that and nothing more. Her mind felt clear now. And at the same time, it felt foggy. “W-W-W-Why the weird contradiction?” Pinkie Pie stuttered. Her lips trembled like the rest of her body. “S-S-Stupid. S-Stop.” But it didn't stop. Not for a few more minutes.

When it did, Pinkie Pie sat up. It was surprising that the effort worked. She thought of calling again. But for what? They were busy. Pound and Pumpkin. After Cheese Sandwich had passed, she had moved out of their big house, where she had lived together with her husband and her son for twenty years and fifteen more years with just her husband. The house had gotten too big, for her alone. So she sold it, most of the furniture and nearly every item in the house, save for the things Lil' Cheese had taken with him to Manehattan and her personal keepsakes. And she had moved back into her old room, into the attic space above Sugarcube Corner. Sufficient for her last years. She didn't need more than that.

Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake had welcomed her back with open hooves. Their old foalsitter. The mare who had thrown their Monthi-versary Party. Their first birthday party. And their sixth. Their cuteceañeras. Their school graduation party. The “Pound Cake has found his first marefriend” party. The party when they took over Sugarcube Corner, after their parents had retired. Even a “Don't mourn what you lost, cherish what you had!” party after their parents had passed away more than twenty years ago. The mare who had thrown all the parties for them they could imagine, for fifty-six and a half years straight! But where were they now? Busy. Too busy to attend to her sobs, even if they could hear them.

Equestria had developed in the last few decades. Ponyville had grown. The outskirts of it almost reached Canterlot now. There were now several other bakeries in town, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake had to work almost constantly to keep up with the competition and to keep Sugarcube Corner afloat and they found little time for anything else. Little time for a sobbing, old mare sitting in an attic and moaning her misery. They might care, but they won't come. She was truly alone.

Pinkie Pie heaved a heavy sigh again. If only she could leave bed..... go out and do something. But she was nailed to the bed here, her body didn't move no matter how much she told it to. And maybe that's what she wanted? Why going out, if everything was misery? Happy faces full of cheer being thrown into her face, showing her what she couldn't have, the demonstration of what she was striving for, but couldn't attain. Was she supposed to see all that? Did she want to? No. Maybe sitting here was for the better. It was safe. Unpleasant, but safe. Shielding her from more pain. And her thoughts circled back to the same old questions that plagued her mind since last night.

Where was Lil' Cheese?

Why didn't he come when she needed him?

Where was the rest of her family?

Where was Cheese Sandwich now and why couldn't she be with him?

Why does nopony care?

Does anypony care?

Where are they?

Why does nopony throw a party for her for a change?

Why does nopony give back?

Was she just their party slave?

Was that all she ever was?

Can she never find any rest, other than the eternal one that would await her in a few years?

Where was her party?

Did she not deserve one?

WHY DOES NOPONY CARE?!

Pinkie felt anger well up inside, anger and frustration, that grew to enormous proportions and wanted to break free. Why not going down, why not yelling at those two former foals that their work isn't as important, that something more important was sitting up here and drowning, and that they didn't bother nor care? But nothing came from that. All she could do was sitting here and drown. Down below, the sounds continued; creaking, shouting, doors slamming, hustling and bustling, door bell ringing, hoofsteps on the stairs..... It was all molding together and the questions continued to soar and to circle and everything formed a cacophony of nightmares inside her head. Each thought, each sound, a tiny nightmare and she wanted to scream, but she knew, all she could do was waiting until the next sobbing, the next tremors, like they had happened all night and become her companions and when the moment was there, she would lie down again, she would never get up, she would get thirsty and hungry and not care and just stay here in bed until her body would become too weak and then–

“Pinkie Pie!”

And then there was a voice? “Who is talking there?” Pinkie asked, but did not move her head to where that voice had come from, the stairs that led up to her tiny chamber of self-pity. But wasn't that a voice she knew?

“It's me, Maud. Can I come in, Pinkie?”

“Sure.”

Maud ascended the stairs fully, placing careful steps onto the wood and stepping in front of her sister. Her movements were slow, but not quite sluggish. The age was showing in her steps, but there still was a fitness not many old mares could muster.

“May I sit down?”

“Sure.”

Gently, with the care not to come across as intrusive, Maud climbed onto the bed and sat down next to Pinkie Pie.

“What are you doing here, Maud?” There was a tone in her voice, weak but also cold. Not quite a rejection, but certainly resistance.

“Pound and Pumpkin have called me. They are worried, Pinkie. They say you don't come down,” Maud's monotonous voice sounded.

“And?” Pinkie Pie shrugged weakly. “Like they care. And why can't I sit up here and think about my problems for a couple minutes in the morning?”

Maud turned to face her younger sister. “It's noon, Pinkie Pie.”

Opposite of her, Pinkie's mouth fell open. “Noon?! But..... No..... That can't be. I can't be sitting here for that long.” Her face was a frown.

“You can. Time flies when thinking about problems.”

Pinkie's frown deepened. “That's scary, Maud.”

“I know.” Maud placed a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder. “How do you feel, Pinkie Pie? Is there anything you would like to tell me about?”

“I.....” Pinkie turned away and her eyes trailed to the floor. “I just had that thought last night. I've thrown parties for so many ponies. I was thinking about all those parties. Then I just asked myself if they would throw me a party, too. And then.....”

Maud looked at Pinkie, stoically, and was not saying a word. Seconds passed, until Pinkie Pie picked up her sentence again.

“And then..... I don't know. The thought just didn't stop and then more thoughts happened. I was thinking about Cheese. And Lil' Cheese. And why they aren't here. And why nopony has ever thrown me a party. Oh, Maud, nopony has ever thrown a party for me! Only my closest friends did, sometimes. But what about everypony else? They never did anything for me.”

A stream of words came washing down on Maud, but the mare did not flinch, nor did she interrupt Pinkie Pie. She just listened.

“Why can they be so careless? And how? I'm only the fun mare for them, I always was, wasn't I? They don't care, Maud. Nopony does. I was here for all of them, but they were never here for me. They aren't. When I'm gone, they'll just find a new party pony and I won't matter anymore. They'll forgot about me. Their grandfoals will forget about me and only know the new party pony of Ponyville anymore, because all they care about is fun. Oh, Maud, they all only care about fun! I don't matter.....” Pinkie Pie's ears flattened and she sniffed. “And now I sit here and I try to think of a solution for all this, but there just isn't any. If only a pony, a single pony, would throw a party for me for once, just so I could tell they care.....”

Minutes went by and Maud waited, but no more words came from the elderly party pony. “That's tough,” Maud empathized. “I'm sorry you're going through this, Pinkie. Would you like a hug?”

Pinkie dragged her face up from the floor and looked at Maud. Her eyes were watery and filled up quickly, her lower lip poking out and quivering. “Yes, please.....”

Maud proceeded and wrapped up the other elderly, but younger, mare. “There, there,” she spoke in her monotonous voice as Pinkie Pie sobbed it out on her shoulder, rubbing over her back. “Let it out, Pinkie.”

The next minutes were spent in silence by the two sisters, save for Pinkie's quiet, muffled sobs. Then Pinkie spoke again.

“What should I do, Maud? How can I deal with all this? Cheese is not here anymore, Lil' Cheese never visits, Pound and Pumpkin never have time anymore and nopony cares about me.....” She sniffed, then retreated slowly to reach into her nightstand and pull out a handkerchief.

“I care, Pinkie,” Maud corrected her swiftly. “Limestone and Marble do. Pound and Pumpkin care, too. That's why they called me.”

Pinkie Pie blew her nose, then wiped it clean as best as she could. “But what about everypony else? Does even my own son care about me, Maud?”

“Why don't you find out?” Maud replied.

“Huh?” Pinkie tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You could go and visit him in Manehattan,” Maud explained.

“But.....” Pinkie's ears flattened again and her eyes returned to gaze at the floor. The handkerchief escaped her hooves and fell down. “What if he doesn't want to see me? What if that's why he never comes visiting anymore? What if he doesn't care about me anymore, like none of those party-addicted ponies here in Ponyville care about me? What if.....” Pinkie's breath started to go stronger and she had to stop.

“How about you go outside for a bit? Wouldn't this be better than sitting in a dark room, Pinkie?” Maud asked her emphatically.

Pinkie frowned again. “Why?” Her voice changed and became a tiny bit indignant.

“Nopony ever solved any problems by sitting on a bed and asking the same questions. You need answers, Pinkie.”

“But how should I find them?”

“You could go and talk to some ponies and ask them about the parties.”

Pinkie rubbed her chin and pondered this idea for a minute. Then she shook her head. “But won't they be busy, Maud? It's Hearth's Warming Eve, I'm sure they all celebrate with their friends and families and won't have time for their old party mare.....”

Maud nodded. “Maybe some of them. But Ponyville is a big town. There are other ponies who spend Hearth's Warming Eve alone. They will have plenty of time.”

“Maybe..... But.....” Pinkie Pie's eyes darted around, frantically. “But what if they reject me? Or what if they tell me some horrible, horrible truth and it pulls me down and makes me even more depressed? What then, Maud?”

“Then you leave them alone and look for other ponies who are nicer. And I'll pick you up again if that happens.” Maud's lips curled upwards and her mouth formed a tiny smile.

Pinkie Pie smiled back and for the first time that day, there was some hope in her eyes. “You would?”

“Of course. I am your sister, Pinkie,” Maud reassured her.

Pinkie Pie hesitated, pondering Maud's suggestion for another moment. Then she shrugged her shoulders. “Fine, I'll go outside with you..... but only for an hour.”

Maud nodded. “An hour will be enough.” The smile was still on her face. Gingerly, she slipped off the bed and moved to the stairs, where she turned around and waited for Pinkie Pie.

A little wobbly, Pinkie Pie got off the bed, too, and did her first steps. She wheezed. “Geez, I didn't notice my legs are so cramped today,” she said as she approached Maud.

“They will recover,” Maud said. She draped a hoof over Pinkie's shoulders and together, the two sisters descended on the stairs and left the dark room.