The Curious Adventure of Nicholas Cage

“Are you sure Pinkie? Even for you that sounds a bit… random.”

“Twilight, I know what I saw and I saw a giant peach colored monster and it kicked me. What kind of thing would do that? I mean, I was nice and I tried not to be rude, he’s just a big meanie mean pants!”

“I’m sure we can clear this whole mess up once we get there. You said he ran off in this direction?”

“Aha. That’s it. He was all like 'GAAASP!’ and then ran off this way, right into the Everfree Forest.”

Twilight widened her eyes in shock. Whatever this thing was, it surely can’t have been too intelligent. The Everfree Forest was no place to go for a midnight stroll.

“Well okay then Pinkie, if you say so. We should see if Fluttershy has seen anything first. She walks by the forest groves nearly every day; surely she would have noticed something.”

“Oh, good idea! Then we can get something to eat. I’m starving! I could really go for some cupcakes about now, or pie, or muffins, pretty much anything I’m that hungry.”

“Yeah, we’ll think about food later. But first let’s see about your tall monster thing. I’d like to clear this up so I can go home and rest.”

“You mean read?”

“Possibly.”

The air in Fluttershy’s cottage was ripe with the smells of baking. The sweet smells of cocoa drifted through like a warm breeze. Angel drooled at the smell and the other animals seemed only too excited. The yellow mare hummed as she fluttered around the kitchen, cleaning up the utensils she had used with the help of a couple of humming birds. Suddenly there was a clang, Fluttershy turned around to see that one of the birds had accidentally dropped a fork and it had slipped under the stove.

“There there now. It was only an accident. Here, let me help you with that.” Her voice was smooth and calming, able to lift the dreariest spirit. She reached under the stove and pulled out the fork, placing it back in the sink to be washed again.

“You are all doing such a wonderful job today. I’ll make sure to leave a nice treat out for you tomorrow if I remember.” The humming birds chirped happily before returning to work. Fluttershy continued to hum happily, washing each dish as it came. The sun was shining brightly through the windows, giving the room a lovely golden glow. She basked in its warmth, giving her a tingly feel. It was one of those days where you couldn't be unhappy.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking at the door, all the birds dropping whatever they were carrying. Fluttershy rushed to pick up the dropped items, placing them back in the sink.

“Now now, dears. I’ll go see who it is.” She happily flew into the living room and went to answer the door. She was greeted with a ecstatic tackle from Pinkie that sent her tumbling till she lay pinned. Twilight followed in suite and smiled awkwardly at the scene.

“Howya doin’ shy? We just wanted to see how everything was happening here.” Pinkie hopped of Fluttershy and proceeded to bounce around the room in her usual random manner.

“Oh yes, I've had a wonderful day thank you. We’re just about finished making a lovely chocolate cake for our guest.”

“Guest?” Twilight looked up in surprise. “What guest?”

“Oh, you wouldn't have met him yet. I was walking along by the Everfree Forest collecting wild flowers when I saw him looking awfully worried and alone. At first I was scarred but then saw that he looked just as scared as I was. So I invited him back to my cottage for a quick bite to eat. He’s so nice, although I’ve never seen anything like him before.”

“Oh oh oh oh oh, was he really tall and have arms and legs and strange clothes and only hair on his head? “

“That’s sound like him. Really he’s no bother.”

“But wait, that means that Pinkie was telling the truth, and there really is a strange creature running around Equestria?” Twilight's eyes began to widen upon the realization.

Fluttershy was still smiling happily. “Oh no, he’s tucked up nice and cozy in the bed upstairs. He seemed awfully tired so it only seemed right.”

“No, you don’t understand. If that creature is here then that means something horrible may happen.”

“I-I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Urrrh! It means that this can only mean bad news, strange creatures appearing out of nowhere. I have to see this for myself.”

“Oh but you can’t, at least, not right now. He was awfully tired and needs his rest.”

“But this could be bad. This could even mean there are more of his-”

Suddenly a deep monotone voice echoed from upstairs, hitting the ponies with a sudden shock.

“Where’s that cake you said you were making?”

Fluttershy quickly answered back. “Oh, um, it’s coming!”

“Don’t worry ‘Shy, I’ll go get the cake ready.”

“Really Pinkie…  I mean, if that’s not too much of a bother.”

“Nah, cakes are my thang. Don’t you worry your pretty little head over it. Go make sure your guest is comfy.”

“Don’t you remember, he kicked you, and you are off to finish his cake?!”

“Oh, don’t fret Twilight. Anypony can be forgiven, even if they aren't exactly a pony.”

“I should probably just go up and see if he needs anything else. You know how some ponies are."

“That’s the thing though; we don’t know what this pony’s like, if he is even a pony at all. He could be a cannibal, or diseased, or worse. I have to check for myself before I contact Celestia over the matter.”

“Oh, does Celestia really need to be involved? I mean, she’s just so busy all the time and I’m sure one iddy biddy creature can go unnoticed for now.”

“Fluttershy this is serious!”

The shy mare recoiled, hiding her face behind her mane. Her voice was no longer warm, now silent and croaked. “Um… um… okay then. Go on up, it’s the first door on the left.”

“Finally. Let’s just get this over with.” Twilight trotted on up the flight of stairs, entering into Fluttershy’s small little bedroom.

Everything seemed normal aside from the lump of mass taking up the bed space. It was awfully tall, his feet hanging of the end of the bedside. On the small side table was stacked a number of empty and dirty dishes and glasses, Fluttershy instantly moving to take these back down stairs.

“I’ll be back in a second; I just have to take these downstairs. It’s just sleeping right now so try not to disturb it.””

“I think I know what I’m doing here.”

“Well… um… okay then.” She slowly trotted back down the stairs, carrying the precariously stacked dishes on her outstretched wings.

Twilight turned back to gaze and the mass of covered flesh, peering at whatever was sticking out from the short covers. It certainly wasn't a pony in anyway, it’s hooves replaced by these ghastly things with multiple opposable joints. She couldn't get a good view of the head but she could see plainly the tuft of hair that seemed to serve no purpose. She crept closer to the bedside, looking over to the face, half submerged in soft pillow. It was truly hideous; there were diamond dogs with a better complexion. It let out a soft sigh from its odd looking nose, its tone deep and monotone. What a curious little thing. Twilight peered in closer and closer till the eyes of the creature shot open. Twilight instantly let out a gasp of fright while the creature let out a very unmanly squeal. It then proceeded to throw off the covers, stand up in the bed and ready his fist in case of attack.

“I warn you talking horse, I know Karate!”

Twilight gave no response, her mouth falling slack and her jaw hitting the ground. This thing was talking to her, talking! It could speak common pony!

“Oh fuck, it wasn't a dream. Well fuck this.”

Turns out it new all of the relevant pony curses as well. What a delight. “Um… hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am a…”

“Let me just stop you there; I don’t care. If you don’t mind I need to find a way to wake up from this nightmare.”

“I assure you this is no dream.”

“Well obviously the dream would say that to throw me off.”

“This isn't a dream.” She said blankly.

“I liked it better when horses couldn't talk.”

“I’m a pony.”

“And who gives a fuck?”

This was certainly no pleasant character, yet he seemed bewildered in this environment. What did he mean when he said when horses couldn't talk? There are other ponies out there who aren't capable of speech?

“Um, might I ask where you are from?”

“What is it to you?”

“Well, I can’t get you home unless you tell me where you’re from.”

“Fine then. I live in Los Angeles.”

“You mean Los Pegasus?”

“Was that meant to be a joke? Because it wasn't that funny.”

“It wasn't a joke, it was a city.”

“Fuck me it is. Where’s that nice talking horse I saw before. She was meant to be making me that cake.”

“You can’t just expect my friends just to make stuff on your whim.”

“It offered, I was just being a polite guest.”

“Polite!?”

Suddenly Fluttershy crept back up the stairs, so quietly no one noticed her till she spoke up. “Is everything alright? Oh my goodness!” She rushed up to the creature and rested his back down in bed. “You shouldn't be up just yet, you've had a long night and you need your rest. Pinkie should be done with your cake any second now.”

“Fantastic, at least someone understands.”

Twilight found this rather odd. “I beg your pardon? Don’t you mean somepony?”

“What? Somepony? Are you serious? Fuck that, I aint no pony and I aint gonna go round pretending I’m one.”

Fluttershy quickly stepped in before Twilight could respond. “That’s fine dear. Just rest your head and don’t worry about it. Everything will work itself out.”

“We don’t know that, Fluttershy. What if this thing is stuck here forever.”

“Fuck all I am. I’m not going to stay here for the rest of my life. We were about to start shooting on Transformers 5.”

“I’m not even going to ask.”

A loud voice that was unmistakably Pinkie echoed from the floor below. “It’s ready!”

“Finally.”

Pinkie trotted up the flight of stair, happily grinning as she turned to face her friends. She wasn’t carrying anything, not even the cake. In fact it appeared most of the cake was smeared around her face.

“Hey where’s that chocolate cake?”

Pinkie suddenly pulled out a small dish from behind her, a single slice of cake resting on it. “You mean this chocolate cake?”

His eyes narrowed, his heart began to race. She wasn’t going to keep it that easily. “That’s my piece.”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want that cake!!!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want it!”

“You want this cake?”

“I want that cake!!!”

“Will both of you just shut the buck up!!!” Twilight let out an unexpected burst of anger, sending the chocolate cake flying into Pinkies face who quickly licked it up. Fluttershy hid behind the end of the bed, and the creature simply looked dumbstruck.

“Sorry, I don’t usually do that.”

The creature offered out a hand as if to shake her hoof. “The name’s Cage, Nicholas Cage.”

Twilight let out a deep sigh as she shook his hand. “Pleasure to meet you Mr Cage.” Her tone wasn't very convincing

“Now, is there any of that chocolate cake left?”

Pinkie instantly pulled out another slice from behind her back. “You mean this chocolate cake?”

Dun dun duuuun. “That’s my piece.”