The Adventures of David Lebowski

After I blacked out for the second time that week, I found myself in a place of darkness, full of some sort of liquid, and a fleshy cord connected to me. I couldn't see it of course, it being dark as the space in-between solar systems, but I assumed it was an umbilical cord, and that I was in a womb. It was clear to me that I was a baby, with no idea how many months long I was. I was thankful that all my knowledge from my last life is still with me, because I could recall all of the important math exams and concepts I took and learned, and also all of my knowledge about Star Wars and every recent and not recent movie, except Solo, because no matter who owns the franchise, it is still peak fiction. With my intelligence safely guaranteed, I went onto figuring out how far along I was by feeling my body. I was obviously a baby pony, because my face didn't feel right, and I had no fingers. It felt like I was a fully developed baby, so I guessed I had a few weeks to a few hours until my mothers water broke and she had to be rushed to the hospital. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I had nothing to tell me how long I waited, but it felt like a long time, especially if all you had to do to keep yourself entertained was to float around and kick the sides of the womb I found myself trapped in. After what felt like several million years, but was probably just a few weeks or so, all the water flooded out of my "home" somewhat. I felt excited, very much excited. And I could suddenly feel every movement my mother made. It felt like she was stumbling down some stairs, then it felt like she was being carried, which was impossible in a quadrupedal race, so I assumed that her husband, or my new father, was a pegasus. She was then carried through the house that I was probably in. I felt the vibrations of the door opening and closing, and then it felt like she was lifted into the air rapidly, and us three were flying through the air, to a hospital.

After a short flight of what I estimated was about 5 minutes, we landed heavily, and I felt double doors being slammed open, and my soon to be dad presumably yelled for a nurse or doctor or whoever did the birth prosses. I then felt my mother and me being lifted onto a cart, and rapidly pushed down a hallway and into a room. After a bit, I saw something for the first time in weeks, a faint light. And very faint voices. I was pushed unwillingly into my new home, screaming all the way because surprisingly, after weeks of not seeing a thing, your eyes tend to reject light and that hurt a lot. Through my pain induced delirium, I heard a few words that was thankfully English.

"Its a boy!"

"I-I'll name him...Button Mash." My mom said before passing out. I was still screaming in pain, but I put one thing on my mental list that would last until I'm 18, I will legally change my name.

I spent a week in the hospital, I think it was to refit my new room into something that resembled me more, but I somewhat liked being in the hospital for the first week of my life. I had the opportunity to see the daily lives of a select few ponies, medical staff. They had about the same lifestyle of human medical staff, from my few days in the hospital after I cracked my skull riding a bike in 5th grade. They also had about the same medical equipment that humans have, except its a lot of magic and what looks like early industrial revolution practices. After I was officially let go from the hospitals care, my parents also visited me a lot, like, twice a day. I got to see my new home for the foreseeable future. It was a quaint, 2 story thatch roofed house, with a small porch in front. It had a nice little just sprouted oak tree, which I was looking forward to seeing it grow. From what I saw being pushed in a stroller, I was living in Ponyville. Fuck. If I was born before canon, then I will have to deal with a lot of shit. Anyways, as I was pushed into my new home, I caught a glance of myself in the door window. I had the same color of coat and mane I chose infront of that computer, and I was relived to see that I was still a unicorn. Being swaddled in blankets hindered my ability to move at all except roll around. Anyways, back to the house. It followed the same design scheme of the rest of the town, beige walls and hearts everywhere. I swear I will find the designer for these houses and beat him to death. I hate girly stuff. As we walked inside, the entrance entered into a living room, with a dining room to the right and what looks like a kitchen to the right of the dining room. The stairs were just to the left and a few feet back from the front door, with a door in the stairs leading to either a broom closet or a basement.

"This is your new home Button!" My mom exclaimed excitedly. I could only garble unintelligible nonsense in response because I was a baby, but I was trying to say "Nice place you got here, though if I could go to my room, that would be nice, thanks!"

She of course did not understand it, but I think she got the gist of it, because my father lifted me out of the carriage and up the stairs. I loved it of course. Because flying, that's why. We got to a door that was to the right of an open door that looked like my parents room. My dad opened the door with his hooves, I told my confused mind I will understand why eventually, and excitedly showed me my new room. While he talked on and on about the decorations, I will tell you how it looked to me. It was a brown painted room, with an orange ceiling. My crib was in the corner of the room farthest from the door, with a dresser next to it. The little dangly things that stereotypically hung above cribs hung above mine, with little suns and moons hanging from it. In the corner directly adjacent from my crib was a... dear god. A changing station. My mouth tried to form words it could not physically do, all aimed in horror at the changing station. I was trying to say "Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck oh shit." But my dad thought I was saying happy baby words. Curse these baby mouth and tongue muscles for not being strong enough for speech! My mom eventually arrived, and my dad gently set me down in my crib, and my mom then removed all my hospital blankets, and put on striped orange and brown full body pajamas. Then they left, hopefully to get some baby food because I was famished. I decided to pass the time by smacking the dangly thing. I let out a giggle, because that was the most I could move any part of me for weeks.

I continued to smack the the sun and moon, before noticing that my mom and dad were here, looking at me smacking things around recklessly with loving smiles on their faces. with my mom holding a bottle of milk in her hoof. I looked at the milk, then a wide smile spread across my face as I was finally getting fed real baby food for the first time in weeks.