N0PONY

A gibbon quizzically played the banjo, a chimpanzee wielded the bass, a talented orangutan struck a violin’s strings, and a gorilla strummed an acoustic rhythm. An ensemble of creatures gathered on the cold desert night, summoning the arrival of humanity's most ancient deity.

Their song’s volume grew and grew until it took the form of hooks pulling their shining god from the darkness, but it wasn’t enough. A naked Flash Sentry arrived with his electric guitar, Crimson Mule, and strummed a metallic crescendo that gave birth to a new day.

Their goddess appeared. Her blazing hair and cyan horse eyes stared at the human who had brought her to the realm of apes. Staring at him like a praying mantis, her finger glowed and dragged the boy magically closer until they were inches closer.

She whispered in his ear, “Wake up, Flash.”

He groaned as his blurry vision was slowly becoming clear, but later shouted upon feeling the pain of his leg whose shattered ankle caused it to face the opposite direction. He screamed in pain and horror, feeling his blood-soaked pants and panicking as he couldn't feel his left foot anymore, soon it was all followed by awkward loud laughs.

Flash scanned his surroundings and realized he was sprawling on a cold metallic table, in a room that resembled a doctor’s office. The office in question resembled one for a child, whose only architectural inspiration was early retro-futuristic postcards. The cabinets above were metallic silver sacs fused into the ceiling, and below a table littered with strange tools and neon-colored liquids.

Flash Sentry wished for a magical adventure in his life story. However, instead of a magical blue star in the sky, it was a monkey’s finger curling inward.

Faintly, outside the room, he heard large stomps that would make elephants shriek approaching closer to the door. With a broken leg, Flash's fate fell under these bizarre entities. Looking for an exit, the room didn't help ease his stress—the sharp tools and boiling beakers made him quiver with horrible ideas and almost made him cry like a scared abandoned puppy.

‘Think! Think! What do these extraterrestrials want? To harvest his human organs? To keep him as a pet? To harvest his insides THEN turn him into a pet?’ His mind filtered through many escape plans, hoping at least the Rainbooms would come and save him, but nobody would hear him scream. ‘Think, Aliens. UFOs. AREA 51. INVASION. COWS. cows? COWS!’

His eyes remained shut, as the thing forcefully kicked his way in. “THE PRESIDENT IS IN WASHINGTON D.C. AND HIS COLLECTION OF WAGYU BEEF IS HIDDEN WITHIN AREA 51!!”

Shutting his eyes off, hating himself for those last words and accepting death, Flash was surprised he wasn't in agonizing pain but instead heard an uncomfortable silence.

“If that impact gave you brain damage, I’m destroying this earth’s moon.” said a rusty voice.

Opening his eyes he was presented with the most unsettling and bizarre creature he had ever seen. It looked like a blue deformed cat with unkempt fur and anthropomorphized to a lesser extent. With him, he was carrying a large blue blanket. “Glad you woke up sooner, I was worried Craz would be feeding you birdseed or other crap by now.” Flash couldn’t help but stare at his fox-like tail sewed to his body, similar to the sewed patch on his chest. “Wish we had some shit to ease your pain, but we ain’t fragile like you humans. Best we got is Craz’s hallucinogen collection.”

The alien hopped onto the table to reach the attached cabinets, sloppily searching for a specific item, uncaring to the clanking metals and tinkling glass. “Here we are!” He tightly hugged a nearly empty glass bottle, filled with a viscous orange liquid. “This oughta fix you up!”

Hopping on the bed, Flash released jagged, short breaths as his fear quickly returned. He noticed the creature's right emerald eye being more human than alien. “Drink up!” The creature enthusiastically said, handing him a bottle of what resembled honey.

“Is this gonna… kill me?!” He asked terrified.

“If you eat everything with it, probably.”

“No please, what even is it?”

“Kid, just drink it,” he ordered.

Flash followed suit and was surprised to taste the exact flavor of maple syrup. He was bewildered, but soon felt the wave of relaxation hit his body like a strike of a thousand cold pillows killing any ounce of stress. That feeling vanished after 10 seconds. Waking up from his trance, he was shocked to find his leg fully repaired. He curled his toes finding no traces of pain left—replaced by a normal aching sensation. He looked at the creature that cured him with skepticism.

“That’s wood-fired maple syrup using dead timberwolves as firewood. Name’s Hugo by the way.” He said with a tired smile.

“You-you killed wolves and used their flesh to make that?” Asked a disturbed Flash.

“No, it's just regular maple syrup. It's heated using their flesh" He stumbled a bit " NOT real flesh, they are literally ‘timber’ wolves.”

“...”

“They’re made of wood, it’s an Equestrian thing,” Hugo said bluntly.

“Oh, ok… wait, Equestria?” Asked Flash, but before it could be answered a loud slam from the door made him bounce. The room’s new guest was another weirdo that Flash found more intimidating.

“Hugo! Has our guest woken up—Oh, there he is.” The man exclaimed. Flash stared at who might be the tallest man he had ever seen—if it was a man under all those bandages, giving them an impression of having an invisible body underneath them all. The first thing that puzzled him was how he heard him so clearly when even his face was obscured by them. The second were his pitch-black eyes, floating above his face resembling an old cartoon from the 30s, including the iconic gloves.

The bandaged man reached for the pockets of his trench coat, lifting a large hammer that couldn’t have fit in there. “I was about to wake our guest with this, but I researched the likelihood of him gaining brain damage was around 89.3%”

Flash’s heart nearly stopped. “Damn it, Craz!” Hugo said, having slapped the back of his head, “You’re traumatizing the kid!”

“I hear trauma builds character in a child so the possibility of this being a positive development. Might be—“ There was a clicking coming from his pockets. “Oh, never mind. I got a bit too excited learning how amazing human fragility is," Craz said inquisitively, removing his hat and impossibly dropping the big mallet inside like a portal.

Craz reached towards his coat and pulled out a vinyl record and what appeared to be a remote, “Some good news, by the way, the key wasn't damaged during the crash. Bad news is repairing the Kismet might take a few months, but given we also lack the materials, maybe years.” He checked the remote, pressing a few buttons, "That is unless we break into a highly secured government facility, which while easy could expose—"

"I get it!" Hugo groaned, irritated at Craz’s lengthy explanation. Despite the odd interaction before his eyes, Flash’s goals shifted the instant he saw that record, for his eyes settled on a rare treasure by many music fanatics and historians.

The perfect gift for his father, “Holy shit!”

“Hmm? You know this record?” Craz asked.

“Know it? Every musician worships it!” Flash with the widest grin, “There’s only like 50 out there and most were destroyed by the band members after fighting over writing credit! The only copy that sold in the market was a damaged copy that a singer snorted cocaine from! It sold for over $890,000! It’s considered the holy grail by collectors, how did you manage to get one?!”

“Stole it from Walmart,” Craz said bluntly.

Flash’s excitement was decimated when realizing who he was raving to, “Uh… What’s a Walmart? Wait, sorry! Never mind that!” Flash’s eyes darted toward the open door. He impatiently sat up with his fingers rapidly tapping the table, “Um, do you guys have a bathroom I can use? Cause I really need it right now!” He exclaimed, sweating like a man trapped in a steaming coffin.

“Oh sure, but first let’s forget about this little meeting… quickly” Craz reached inside his trench before being pulled away by Hugo with their backs turned.

"Hold on!" shouted Hugo. Despite their whispering, he could still make out a few words.

“I don’t… Just a kid…”

“…Feel a thing… it’ll…”

“Looks wrong… machine…”

“You… gun…”

How can one react when hearing a large man with a trench coat mentioning a gun? Logically, be skeptical. Behaviorally, run. Leaping from the table, he grabbed the record and leaped towards the door, splashing the odd liquids toward the aliens.

“AUGH! HE TOOK OUT MY ONE GOOD EYE!” Screamed the cat.

Upon leaving what could have been his deathbed, he found himself in a long yellow hallway of doors with pipes sprouting from the walls. He opened every door hoping for an exit, yet only found rooms filled with boxes, another with various television screens, one with an infinite bookshelf, and another with an upside-down toilet bowl facing him. Flash would swear on his life that thing was staring back at him. He would have gone mad if the adrenaline wasn’t pumping into his body.

He felt relief as the night's cold breeze brushed over his skin, hinting at an exit nearby, but was quickly taken away upon hearing a far-off scream from the bandaged alien. “He took WHAT?!”

Following the autumn frost, he found the large crash hole and flaming debris. Despite them meaning harm, he mentally thanked the creatures for the syrup giving him a boost no energy drink or stimulant could. He hysterically climbed the crater the ship created, using shards of rock sticking out of the dirt as steps. He ignored the minor cuts it gave to his fingers.

Finally, out of hell's doorstep, he turned in case they were pursuing him and witnessed the ship staring back at him. He remembered its brief bird-like appearance before crashing but never expected its only avian feature and the ship as a whole being a vulture's head. Metal plates were bolted into its skin with its torn old flesh protruding out in leaks. He looked at the empty eye socket, in the black smoke pouring he faintly saw a dark figure coming out.

His speed increased with each step running down the cliff till he attempted to slow down, not wishing to have another broken leg. Using the trees kept his balance but fortunately, in some cruel joke by the universe, he tripped. On his bike.

Leaning on the family car, Flash’s breath could be mistaken for a hissing teapot. Exhausted and sweating, he limped towards the open garage door, hiding the record behind some boxes of tools and instruments, just in case for the worst outcome.

Just as expected, the bright light shining over him confirmed it, “Never mind, Silverstar, he’s home. Yeah, me too. Alright, thanks.” Wild Speed closed his call, before grabbing his son's jacket by pulling him into the house.

“Flash, por el amor de Dios! Where the hell were you?! Do you have any idea what time it is!?” His father shouted in a mix of relief and anger.

“Look, Dad. I’m sorry, it’s hard to—“

“Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you?” Speed grabbed his son's arms and noticed the little bruises. “All over your face too, why are you so sweaty?!”

“Dad, I’m fine!”

“Good God, did you get into a fight?”

“No! No, it wasn’t a fight!”

“But who the—Was it that Sunset girl?!” Shouted an annoyed Speed.

“No, what—Come on, Dad! Really?!”

“Yeah, I know she’s ‘changed’, but who else could have done this?! Oh no, tomorrow I’m calling that principal to finally expel that girl!”

“I didn’t interact with her at all for a month! I wasn’t even in a fight!”

“Then why the hell did you come home at 9:00 all bruised up?!”

“CAUSE I WAS GETTING YOUR PRESENT, OK?!”

His father was taken aback, the silence nearly exhausting Flash till his last breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to scream.”

Flash dropped himself on the couch, “I saw a good gift for you at the pawn shop but it was closing and I saw the owners taking away with them some of the stuff”

“Those Flim Flam brothers?” Speed asked, “I hear they’re a bunch of scammers.”

“Yeah I know, but…” Flash repeatedly tapped his foot, “They had this one item that when I saw it I knew you deserved it. So I… I followed them.”

“You followed them?” Said a baffled Speed.

“They lived much further than I thought and riding on a bike all the way there wasn’t a good idea. In the end, I made it. I got the item at a good price, so sucks to be them. Obviously, I got lost on the way back, so I had to talk to some randos and hope for the best. I must have hit something, I think it was a hole, I don’t know, it made my bike go PLOCK! And here I am!” Flash refused to look into his father’s eyes and hoped for his gamble.

“…Son… You-You didn’t have to go that far, really?” asked baffled Speed, as Flash briefly signed in relief.

“I know… but, I like to think it was worth it. It was.. really scary doing all that by myself” Flash said, honesty pouring in.

His father sat down and comforted him, layers of guilt filled Flash up and the memories poured in on the encounter no ordinary human had ever faced. Whatever wonderland he ventured in, he was grateful he didn’t return insane.

Tears poured out, as the boy hugged his father like a scared child. The memories flooded back from the alien cat, the tall man, and the avian ship. He received the first taste of a reality-breaking adventure, and the sip was enough for his tongue. Maybe the ordinary was where he belonged, maybe being in the background of the Rainbooms’ adventures was enough.

Maybe Flash Sentry was safe in this life.

After letting his emotions out, Flash showered and was grounded, no more going up Celis Cliff for the time being. Staring at the ceiling of his room, nearing the edge of slumberland, Flash had 3 epiphanies:

One. His current mission was to tell the Rainbooms about this matter. Hugo, the cat, spoke of something Equestrian in origin, so they should manage these magical problems while sitting comfortably away from it.

Two. This town was far from a normal one, there must be an explanation for the bizarre and magical attraction it had. Perhaps that’s something he could learn on his own.

Three. The final epiphany took him by surprise as the magical pony nature of Sunset and her home should have shattered this perspective long ago: God isn’t real. Shutting his eyes, Flash Sentry wished not to visit church this Sunday.

….

His sleep lasted a good 30 seconds because the fourth new realization punched him harder than anything today. A terrifying and horrible thought that he’s convinced was karma for wishing for something greater than himself.

The poor boy lost his guitar.

His eyes were red, as Flash felt he had recently lost a limb or a part of his soul, with not even food filling it. “You’re alright, son? Didn’t get enough sleep last night?” He didn’t have the guts to explain it. “By the way? Where’s your guitar?”

Flash paused, his mind was screaming ideas, “I must have left it in the garage last night… I was pretty dazed and tired.”

“Oh, alright. I keep forgetting to close that damn door before night. Speaking of being dazed, I got the perfect solution to fix that!” His father poured some of the coffee into Flash’s mug, dipping a bit in milk and swirling it, “Maybe a bit of coffee could wake you up! There’s some sugar on the counter if it’s too bitter.”

Flash stared at the dark drink before him, seeing his poor reflection contemplating today's direction. Maybe this was the kind of energy he needed, it was about time for his new conviction to start fresh and become a man.

He carefully grabbed his mug and sipped.

No matter how much water he drank, the burning sensation wouldn’t leave. Walking down the school hallway during lunch hours he spotted Sunset continuously writing in her special journal that Flash could tell she was talking to. Must be something Equestrian he thought.

As he approached her, he felt a heavy weight on his chest, pulling him away from speaking. With a heavy breath, he closed in. “Star Swirl’s lost journal?! You have gotta spill every single detail, Twilight!” He heard her excitedly talking to the journal. Yes, definitely something Equestrian.

“Uh, mhm. Hey, Sunset!”

Startled, she turned to see somebody she never thought would speak to her. “Flash! It’s been a while!” She said surprised.

“Ye-yeah, it sure has,” Flash said, the uncomfortable parasite refusing to leave whenever they're around.

“Everything… ok?”

“Yeah? Well, no. Not exactly. Look something happened and—”

“FLASH SENTRY!” Announced the school intercom, “REPORT TO VICE-PRINCIPAL LUNA’S OFFICE PLEASE!”

If the universe hated him, he would claim this moment as evidence. Standing there for a couple of minutes he turned and marched away, feeling his face sinking into his skin.

Entering the vice-principal's office was always unusual—it was always dark and dreary as if the moon rested within this office during the day, the number of moon-like shapes decorating her office gave him the impression she drank far more coffee in the morning than regularly. Far more than he ever would in his life.

“Vice-principal Luna?” He announced himself as she signaled him to come in, her laptop illuminating her irritated face. Upon looking at him, she changed her hunched posture to more professional.

“Flash, please take a seat. You’re not in trouble, just something I wish to review with you regarding last week’s survey.” She spoke elegantly while Flash took his seat. “It says here that you’re unsure what to do after you graduate, which I find odd considering last year you were sure to have a career in music.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking maybe it’s best as a hobby? I can do the survey again and give you what you’re looking for!” He said impatiently, which Luna noticed.

“You understand that isn’t what I’m- Oh, hold on.” She exclaimed upon hearing her phone notification, before groaning and marching towards her windows. “Sorry for this, by the way.” She opened her blinds and released a painful light into the room that could particularly blind any night owl.

Flash saw Celestia with a satisfied grin outside walking away triumphantly, her phone in her hand. “Ugh, I must apologize. I lost a bet against my sister and now I must keep my blinds open all week. I hope it’s not too bothersome.

“The main reason I’ve called you here is because I’m worried about you, Flash Sentry. The last previous semesters you’ve been such a shining beacon of school spirit and I’ve noticed you’ve been much quieter lately. I haven’t seen you perform for some time and the school loves your music.” Flash Sentry convinced himself that was a lie. “You were so determined to enter a college to further learn music, yet now you seem more unsure lately.”

Flash sunk further into his seat, knowing he was going to be here for a while and miss his opportunity. The last thing he felt he needed was another lecture on his pointless future.

Fortunately or more the opposite, he saw a strange event outside the window. A walking trash can with little feet and hands, moving by itself in view and what appeared to be binoculars peeking from the lid. It was looking directly at him.

“Furthermore!” Luna added, waking up from what Flash hoped was a daydream. “I noticed your grades are quite excellent, any school in the state would be more willing to accept you. If I could only… Oh, for the love of-!” She said, struggling and clicking various links on her laptop.

“Again, I’m sorry. We had a new update on the school’s grade system and it’s been… difficult… to navigate.” Luna said.

“It’s ok, take all the time you need…” He said, still as a statue. His eyes were stuck in a staring contest against the walking trash can, which later tipped over. Emerging from the unseen ground was something that made Flash’s body strangle his breathing, as the two aliens from last night rose and argued with one another. Whatever it was they were arguing, it involved him given that they were pointing at him constantly. While stopping them was beyond his power, reporting it to a figure of authority seems like the most eloquent solution right now. The only one.

“Um, Vice Principal Luna?”

“Don’t worry, I’m close to getting the hang of this!” Luna said, failing to reassure the paranoid Flash.

Before the cat could smack Craz for his clumsiness, he paused and pointed to someone causing Craz and Flash’s eyes to be as wide as plates. Professor Cranky Doodle, during a phone call, was staring at both the aliens, unsurprisingly dumbfounded. The teacher was seen typing on his phone as Hugo seemingly tried to plead with him.

What followed suit would horrify any human being, as he saw Craz reach towards his coat and shoot his Social Studies teacher in the head. There was no sound and the “bullet” was more of a laser that resembled the length of a snake, phasing through the teacher’s head.

From Flash’s perspective, its fangs might as well have melted its brain. These aliens wanted to kill him, kill everyone! And they know his school.

“Flash?”

It was too late to seek comfort in the background, it was impossible to escape the black hole he found himself in. Never has he seen a man die in front of him, much less would the Rainbooms. That is if he had time to tell them of this new threat.

“Flash!”

As the creatures dragged Cranky Doodle’s body away, there was a strange excitement securing his curiosity. Something a lunatic would call perverted. Is there a slight chance that him stopping this “invasion” and saving humanity were the keys to securing his name in the history books?

“FLASH!”

Waking up from his trance, an annoyed Luna frowned before him, “Were you even paying attention to what I was saying?”

“I… Um, yeah. My grades are-are good and I’m… I’m sorry, Vice Principal Luna! I have to go!”

“Excuse me?”

“I just can’t be here right now” He pulled his backpack close and started marching out. “Really, I’m sorry!”

“Flash Sentry, wait!” She ordered him to stop, in an astonishingly loud voice. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but—” She took a deep breath. “Something is clearly troubling you and so I would like to set an appointment for you to visit the guidance counselor next Wednesday, is that fine?” She said calmly.

“Uh, yeah. Maybe that’s what I need right now!” He eagerly approached the door, hoping what he said would end the conversation.

“Alright then, and before you go I would like to give you one last piece of advice” Flash’s hand was impatiently waiting to turn the door knob. “If you see an opportunity, Flash, something that’ll push you in the right direction, that unlocks that full potential you carry. Don't hide from it, run towards it.”

And running he did as his life depended on it while several students stared at him quizzically. Reaching the elegant and professionally organized dusty library, he ran up the stairs and ventured through the many bookshelves, finding a little haven where he could finally relax. Despite hearing the bell ring, for the first time, Flash decided to cancel classes for himself, especially when his life was on the line.

“Excuse me!” Shouted an outside startling the boy, “Didn’t you hear the bell, young man? Get to your class immediately!”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee, sorry!” Flash replied, as the teacher tirelessly pushed a cart of books. Wonderful, now he has to leave, otherwise he could get in serious trouble, but does that matter when his brain could be melted by a laser pistol? Massaging his head he ran through various possible premises: Telling the Rainbooms outright a teacher was dead might be the right queue, but maybe it was better in private. The announcement of a dead teacher would make others panic. Yet, keeping it to himself would be unfair as this threat proved far more fatal than previous magical conundrums. Would announcing publicly be the right call? Should he run to the office and scream at the intercom? Should he face these aliens on his own? Would Sunset notice him if he does?

Flash grabbed the nearest book in hopes of finding some way to ease his stress, and while Robotics 101 and History of Mythical Insects didn’t help ooze his interest, the yearbook of 2012 certainly did.

Scrolling through the pages he saw the one photo he was in, him and Sunset dancing at the Fall Formal, the first one she won. He remembered dancing with her and being so blissfully in love that Cupid’s arrow would phase through him. He used to tell himself that after graduating he would marry Sunset Shimmer, if only he realized how stupidly premature being in love made you.

Closing the book in irritation he spotted a loose piece of paper hanging from inside the book’s end pages. Carefully ripping the endpapers from the board, he loosened it free and was flabbergasted at its particular writing. He stared at it for a while and failed to recognize the language, he was far from an expert but a detail that caught him off guard was how its letters resembled horseshoes.

“The hell is this?” He asked himself.

“Hmm, looks like an Old Ponish riddle”

“Old Ponish? What is thaaaaaaaaaaa…..” He turned around and saw the creatures that haunted him all night.

“Yo,” Craz said, throwing a peace sign while Hugo was resting on his shoulders ready to pounce on unfortunate prey.