N0PONY

“How do you know the boy goes to this school?” Hugo asked while chewing on a moldy hot dog.

It’s been more than 24 hours since they arrived in this universe and spying on teenagers going to school behind rough bushes and piles of leaf litter was nowhere on Hugo's mental list of predictions. He had to admit that being around humans around the coming of Autnum gave him a nostalgic serenity, which couldn't be shared with his tall companion. “His jacket was very worn and his shoes lost their shine. Given how old he looked and this being the city’s only public high school—I say that narrows it down quite a bit.” Exclaimed Craz, trying to find their target with a set of binoculars.

“That combined with spying on kids makes you look like the kind of creep I used to beat up in neighborhoods,” Hugo said amused, continuously eating while the leaves tickled his back.

“Oh, put yourself in a blender, will you? The entire structure of creation depends on us finding this boy. If he even remotely alludes to our existence to someone else, we can kiss ourselves goodbye. Alongside all of creation!” He exclaimed frustratedly.

“That and he has our only key off this little world."

“Speaking of which, this place does seem a bit familiar,” Craz proceeded to inspect every student near the entrance. “I’ve heard of a world from Equestrian Records that told of a parallel universe inhabited by intelligent apes. I knew they were referring to human beings, but couldn't imagine their skin to be of various color spectrums like the ponies.”

“Yeah, super interesting,” Hugo sarcastically stated, then realized he was eating his hand. “Blegh! Well my distraction is gone, I’m stealing more garbage.” Hopping off his bed of leaves he tried sneaking over a fence.

“WAIT! Spotted him!” Craz stopped his friend by grabbing his tail. His eyes targeted the boy who was desperately drinking from a water bottle, throwing it to the nearest can, but not making its landing. He noticed the boy's disappointment. “Heh, if only he knew the science behind trash-throwing, huh Hugo? … Hugo?”

There was a small silence as Craz realized he was grabbing hold of air and sat down behind his bush, writing down in a little journal. “Maybe he’ll inhabit his precious dumpsters and finally leave me alone.” He said, writing down his findings.

EXPLORATION LOG 02 EQUUS-15
Subject-15-01 is a blue-haired male appearing to be of Hispanic descent and has stolen our Record Key. From what I've seen this appears less as an alternative Equestria and more as an alternative Earth. Yet, its human beings share names and colors consistent with those of Equestrian ponies.
Its lunar and seasonal cycles are similar to Earth's, along with its native solar system. However, I have accounted for a peanut-shaped planet a few light years away observable using our Cornea-Refractor Telescope before it broke into pieces 7 hours after our crash.
Hugo continues accompanying me and my expeditions. Despite his human eye being out of commission for a few minutes, his temporary rage didn't conclude with the idea of beating our thief senselessly.
.....
I wonder if human anatomy is similar on the inside to Earth's Humans. A date for a possible dissection will be scheduled.

“You do that and I'll squeeze your body into mush,” Hugo said bluntly, scaring the pants off of Craz—literally. His sweatpants began hopping away until Craz grabbed them before any human could see them.

Putting them on he stared at Hugo frustratedly, “Don't do that! I was very specific and thorough that these pants are semi-sentient and difficult to kill!"

"You know what else will be difficult to kill. These people are under my watch! Don't get any stupid ideas—"

"Hugo! I'm offended that you would believe in myself involved in harming these humans. I may not agree with everything you taught but one thing I still hold dear from your teachings is your sacredness of life." Hugo's anger ceased for a bit and felt warmingly touched by his friend's words, "Which is why I was leaning more towards grave-robbing! That way no one gets hurt!" Hugo's face scrunched in disappointment.

Craz puzzlingly noticed how Hugo brought an entire trash can, "Why did you have to bring the whole can? Are you that addicted to this stuff?” Hugo looked at the garbage he stole and stared at Craz with a smug smile. A terrifying grin that he was all-too-familiar with.

If the binoculars didn’t have 163 different vision settings, they could have instantly lost Flash once he entered the school.
“Come on, kid. Just ask the girl out, what’s the worst that can happen.” Hugo said, spying on him from inside the trash can, standing on the shoulders of his bandaged friend.

“If he’s talking to a girl, might as well take her out too as with every wasted second we're putting our existence more at risk of being vaporized!” Complained a frustrated Craz, whose body was bent over enough to fit inside, his feet and fingers tiptoeing the entire canister following Flash outside the school.

“I doubt he was gonna say anything about us. The last thing he would want is to look insane in front of his crush. More further to the right!” Hugo commanded.

“Of all the worlds we had to explore, why this one? I've studied enough human culture from their gods to their large utensils! There has to be reason why a human world exists in this cosmic structure!"

“There’s always more to humans than what it seems. Besides, you played the record and the ship crash-landed us here. For the fifth time by the way.”

“It wasn’t like that the first time.”

“It was for the rest! Hmm, kid’s going to some room. Oh, conveniently it’s the window right in front of us. Strange.” He said, perplexing his mangled friend. “Kid’s in the vice-principal room filled with Moon stuff.”

“Wait, there’s a vice-principal? I thought schools were run by one principal that children would vote for yearly.”

“That's a government system for entire countries, not schools! You would know this if you didn't decide to drop out!"

“That was 52 years ago! And never looked back since!” He said proudly.

“Agh, whatever! Crap, kid spotted us!”

“Ok, time out!” Craz exclaimed, pushing himself out and knocking Hugo out of the can. “Ahh, I hate small spaces.”

“You idiot! We’re out in the open!”

“Nobody looks behind the bleachers, the only people who hang out here are girls ready to disperse their boyfriend’s atoms into lunch boxes”

“Oh, that’s why your homeroom teacher was arrested.” He said scratching his furry chin. “Ugh, focus! This was why you shouldn’t have run away—you know what’s inside black holes and outer galaxies or some other crap, but will be stressed and go on a 3-hour-long tangent over how a spork works!”

“Well, some father you turned out to be! It took me 5 years to get rid of everything of that garbage taste! I didn't know what ice cream tasted like until I tried it without fish ribcages!”

“If you lived what I’ve been through, you could have learned-“

“Oh, here we go again! Classic Hugo Slash!”

“Don’t disrespect me like that, Cra….Zzzzzzzz….” Before he could knock some sense into his wayward son, he was met with the unfortunate sight of a withered-looking teacher’s frightful stare. "Um, look. This may seem a little strange—" Hugo said attempting to calm him down, until he began hysterically typing on his phone. "No! Don't call anybody!"

Craz took a deep breath and reached towards his coat, “Craz?! Wait, nononono! NOT NOW!!” Hugo screamed until he met the human’s collapsed body gunned down by his wayward son. “By the almighty stars! What’s wrong with you!?”

“He saw us!” Exclaimed a panicked Craz.

“Yeah, but don’t shoot him out in the open! Damn it!” Hugo scooped him up and dragged the professor's body by his shoulders, “Help me out!” He ordered Craz as he began carrying his legs.

The two oddballs made their way behind a unique set of bleachers famous in Canterlot High for having the most gum stuck under its boards. Craz insisted on dropping him here anywhere and making a break for it, but it only infuriated his feline friend more.

“Here’s a good spot!” Shouted Hugo, as they neared behind some bleachers, positioning the unfortunate professor as if he was slacking off.

Their relief was suddenly interrupted as the school bell rang and the doors to the field slammed open with a teacher yelling out instructions. “Quick! In here!” The cat slithered his way inside a vent that even a raccoon would find difficult to maneuver through.

Before he could join his father, Craz reached towards his pockets and popped a pillow and an empty alcohol bottle for Cranky Doodle—lifting his head and assuring he was comfortable. As he was about to enter the vent, he stopped and groaned. Drawing closer to the teacher again, he replaced the bottle with a juice box instead. While he inhumanly contoured his body and pushed himself further into the tiny vent, Principal Celestia walked towards the bleachers, assured she heard something peculiar, but was surprised to see only Cranky Doodle sleeping under the seats.

“Mr. Cranky Doodle! Shouldn’t you be teaching American History right now?!” Exclaimed a baffled Celestia, waking up the poor man from a confusing slumber.

“Wha-what… What happened?” He said feeling a painful headache.

In cinema, there’s this strange myth that ventilation systems perfectly sustain space for human bodies to maneuver through. Fortunately for Craz, his head was the only part that wasn’t squished in the dusty, mice-packed vents. His tiny toes pushing himself forward were the only way for his abnormal body to move. “Please, for the love of a billion so-called gods! Tell me the next room is empty!”

A comfortable, stealthy Hugo, turned to face his whining son, “It’s not that bad, Craz. This place even comes with free snacks!” Hugo explains jokingly while slurping on a mouse’s tail making his son recoil in disgust. Continuing their path and squishing dust bunnies, they found a vent leading to a library. Barely anybody was present minus a teacher and a certain blue-haired boy. “He found our kid! Looks like he just ran a marathon—he’s sweating faster than Zan-Zanak in the summer.” He exclaimed.

“It’s rude to speak ill of our criminally insane acquaintances, Hugo,” He remarked. “Besides, he did see us shoot someone in the head, which I researched to have severe effects on a young man’s mental state,” Craz explained, scooching in closer to look outside of the vent. “By the all-powerful stars!” Craz‘s eyes sparkled as he marveled at the many dusty books his head now squishing Hugo. “There are so many books, so much to read! I don’t even recognize some of these spines!”

Hugo pushed Craz back behind him, “If this is your way of inviting me to another heist, think again! Focus on the boy!” His paws easily squeezed through the vent’s grilles, delicately unscrewing each bolt with his claws.

Before he could take out all the bolts for Craz, he slithered into the library, becoming like a shadow, scanning the entire room and noticing the library’s peculiar lack of security cameras. A wave of relief hit him, as even a student can sleep here and no one would notice.

Unscrewing the rest, Craz pushed himself out the tiny vent with Hugo catching him from the ankle before he could create a loud THUMP.

“Oh, finally! In my long list of things I despise, small spaces easily take 11th place" Craz remarked, stretching his boneless limbs.

“You would’ve liked them if you stuck around,” Hugo remarked.

“I seriously doubt that. “I may have been raised by one, but I’m not nor ever will be a cat,” Craz said bluntly, not noticing that behind his father’s eye-rolling was a mental wound left by his comment.

The two carefully sneaked closer to him, Hugo running stealthily behind the shelves without the teacher noticing, while Craz could only tiptoe and crawl, feeling relieved as no one was in the library. That feeling later became bittersweet as no one was in the library. Making their way closer to the boy, who was recovering himself, they jumped as the school bell rang loudly.

The two aliens hid separately behind shelves with their target a few inches away. Craz pulled out his weapon and waved it to Hugo. Pointing it at him and later at the boy, insisting he’d be the one to pull the trigger. This was met with voluble denial from Hugo, giving his son a gesture that’s fairly common among middle-aged managers.

“Excuse me!” Shouted an outside voice startling the two, “Didn’t you hear the bell, young man? Get to your class immediately!”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee, sorry!” Flash replied as the teacher pushed herself away. After a few minutes of staying perfectly still, Craz saw the boy taking a book from the shelf leaving him a perfect opportunity to strike. Aiming for his head, Hugo swiped the gun away from him and smacked it lightly on the head.

“Craz, what are you doing?!” Hugo whispered. “He has the vinyl record! If you erase everything, it’s probably where he left it too!” Craz sighed and mentally kicked himself—multiple times. No matter how much you know the purpose of star columns and having a structural sense for universal clusters, that will never escape the unfortunate reality that flaws come with existence—something that bothers Craz quite a bit.

Tucking his gun, Hugo and Craz approached closer with the tall man’s arms rising as if ready to grab hold while the other leaned back, his pupils rounded, prepared to pounce on new prey.

Craz suddenly paused, standing behind Flash, putting his arms down, and stared at the strange piece of paper. He was perplexed and curious, recognizing the old writing, which filtered his mindless observations into possible hypotheses on the paper's purpose.

There was a dumb-founded expression on his son’s face, which Hugo recognized well. Growling in frustration, he hopped on the shoulders of his distracted son.

“The hell is this?” asked Flash Sentry.

“Hmm, looks like an Old Ponish riddle”

“Old Ponish? What is thaaaaaaaaaaa…..” He turned around and both were finally reunited with the troublesome problem.

“Yo.”

Flash screamed, but his cry was only heard for a brief millisecond as Hugo pounced his face, latched on to his face covering his mouth, and tripping the poor boy attempting to take the feline off his head. “Search his backpack!” He yelled.

The alien frantically searched every pocket in his bag but was met with a single notebook and pencil. “Not here, anyway, I’ll take that!” Throwing away the backpack he stepped down to pick up the paper, looking childishly joyful.

“Stop distracting yourself and— OW!” Hugo screamed, fleeing from the boy's face and grabbing his belly in pain.

“Blegh! What do you guys want from me?!” Pleaded a terrified Flash, spitting some fur.

“We want our key back and wipe out specific nerve-ending tissue within your hippocampus.” Craz casually exclaimed, still fixated on the riddle.

“Forget his hippos! I’M GONNA SCRATCH HIS FACE!”

“WOAH! WOAH!”

Flash Sentry shielded his head with his arms, letting out a series of apologies and cries pleading for his life with the tall alien in front of him holding back the rage-filled feline.

“Flash Sentry!” screamed an angry voice familiar to Flash but terrifyingly unfamiliar to Hugo and Craz.

“You and your friends have been here too long and need to—” shouted Miss Cheerline, but she realized her shouts were aimed at nothing. Checking her ears, she was sure she heard somebody but found nobody no matter where she looked. She shrugged and finally moved downstairs, unable to notice that Hugo and Craz, holding Flash with his hand on his mouth, were on top of the shelves the entire time.

“Why didn’t you use that damn cloaking device of yours?” Hugo whispered.

“That device was blessed by the chameleon god, Hugo. He was killed by his worshippers 3 months ago, I already explained.” Craz explained the answer as if it was obvious.

No matter how hard he tried, Flash Sentry couldn’t escape this alien’s grasp over him, his arms were like titanium rope. Flash looked to his right and saw Hugo looking at him with a vengeful stare, his nose wrinkled and baring his sharp teeth. As his breathing became more rapid, tears began to cloud his vision. ‘This was it,’ he thought. ‘I’m going to die!’

Seeing the child cry made Hugo flinch, waking him up from his anger as his face relaxed.

After hearing the door slam shut, the two quietly jumped down. “Craz, let the kid go,” Hugo pleaded.

“Why? So he can scream and let everyone know we’re here?”

“No, because he’s crying” He looked at his captive and noticed his wet sleeves, prompting him to gently let him go, uncomfortably having made a child cry. Flash frantically backed away feeling free.

“Uh, I apologize. Didn’t mean to make you tear up,” He handed him a tissue box from his pockets which Flash accepted cautiously, wiping away his tears. “If it makes you feel any better, that old man we shot is still alive.”

He paused “Professor Cranky Doodle? But-but I saw you kill him!” Flash said. “With that laser gun and you’ve come here to kill me!” He turned to run but was stopped by Hugo having slithered before him.

“No, we’re not here to kill ya! We would never—I would never fatally harm a child like you. The only thing that gun kills are your memories of us, that’s it. You’re fine, kid!” Hugo reassured him.

“Once you're shot, you would have the best nap of your life with any memory of us feeling like a dream and then it disappears from memory. Unless you suffer from Alzheimer’s, that would reset your brain to an infant thought process” Craz added.

Flash remembered the night he was on their ship, how the billions of predictions curled up his mind, as the belief of his life being taken felt raw and possible. He remembered the sleepless night and his professor being shot down, the sensations of Death's scythe were vanishing. He began to laugh, closer to the edge of a maniac. “So, all this time. I’m was fine” he chuckled, “Holy shit, man. I didn’t have any sleep last night. I thought you were gonna blow my freaking brains out with that, man.”

Craz soon began to chuckle with him under the impression this was ordinary human behavior, “That would have been incredibly intense, imagine your brain splattering all over me!”

“Oh my god, imagine you having guilt over killing a high schooler! You could never sleep after that!”

“I don’t need sleep! I’ll stay awake every waking hour remembering my nightmarish act!” He chuckled, both having their arms over their shoulders with Craz not realizing that Flash was letting out all the stress of being in danger—he believed it was a human bonding tradition, which to some degree he was right. Hugo blinked several times and hoped the boy was seeking therapy.

After a few minutes of hysteria, Flash Sentry eventually calmed down with all three quietly sitting down while Craz read any book he found as Hugo kept watch of the library’s entrance. Flash drank plenty of water he received from Craz’s infinite pockets. “Thanks, I needed that! So the vinyl record I stole; it's like your ticket out of this world? Didn’t mean to steal it. I was just trying to gift it for my Dad's birthday, sorry.” He said exhausted.

“Don’t sweat it, kid. You’re a good son—your old man must be proud.” Hugo said with a hint of disappointment, averting his gaze from Craz as he continually read his encyclopedias and stuffed them into his pockets.

“Can your pockets fit anything?” Flash asked, curious about the matter of his enchanted clothing.

“Essentially,” he answered. “They lead directly to my office studio where I keep all my stuff and it doesn’t have to be pockets,” Craz reached from behind him and unveiled a plate of pizza, “Any place where nobody is looking, I can reach for it. So, it's less my clothing and more something that came naturally to me. Forgive me, it’s cold.”

“That’s cool, I like cold pizza.” He said taking a bite.

Craz stood up, a few books in hand, prompting the boy to quickly finish his snack, “Alright then, now as we explained earlier, we would greatly appreciate the return of the key.”

Flash nodded still chewing, “Yeah sure, I’ll bring it back to you, but will you guys really erase my memory after this?”

“Of course we can, we cannot allow our presence to be known to anybody, you might tell your friends, family, or elephants.” Craz began piling up more books in his little collection.

“But I don’t even have any—” There was a click, as the ground beneath began to slowly descend, both Craz and Flash stared at each other and then at the book that Craz tried pulling away but found stuck in its place. The next thing they saw was darkness consuming Their surroundings as they fell, with the only light source diminishing as the floor was sealing itself shut, a panicked Hugo followed them below. Soon after, nobody was in the library as the floor returned to its original state.

He was screaming. His body spun around as his muscles tensed seeing jagged rock protruding from the walls. He attempted to turn his falling body to see the bottom of his doom but felt a weight from his back grabbing hold of him and making him view the sky. “Craz!” Hugo screamed, holding himself behind the child, “Block incoming rocks! Don’t let them hit the kid!”

“Nothing to worry, the most damaging these can give you are broken bones—“ Flash heard a loud SMASH as the piece flew past him, “Never mind!” A series of crushing rocks and Craz’s “ows” followed, while Flash felt heavier.

“SHUT YOUR EYES!” Loudly ordered Hugo who Flash obeyed. With a jolt from his leg, the wind pushing him vanished. Cautiously opening his eyes, he saw rocky terrain that would have been greeted with his broken body and blood if not saved by the alien cat.

Looking upward, he noticed a floating Hugo grabbing hold of his leg, later descending and gently letting him go to find his footing. Quickly pushing himself off the ground he stared at the bizarre feline savior, “You can fly?!” He exclaimed, breathing relentlessly from the week’s third near-death experience.

“Not really,” Hugo exclaimed, stretching his body, “It's more like gravity doesn't like me.”

Not satisfied with the answer but taking it anyway, Flash felt the nearby heat from the dimly lit lightbulbs around the ceiling’s edge, barely illuminating the rocky tunnel which didn’t help upon noticing the unknown darkness in front of them. “Where’s Craz?!” He asked, trying to ease his rapid heart rate.

“He’s chilling over there” He mentioned nonchalantly at the broken body of Craz resting on his chest. His legs and his arms were mangled into painful contortions, seeing like a sculpture born from the sculptor's sadistic depression. His broken fingers and twisted neck horrified Flash, hesitating to check his pulse knowing no person could have survived such a fall.

Starting into his bandaged eyeless face, gripping his hair, and nearly about to scream, Flash was surprised to see his eye blink into existence. His limbs and neck twisted back into proper anatomy with cracking bones absent in the process as both Flash and Craz eventually met eye to eye. “What is it?” Craz genuinely asked, picking up the book that fell with him. "My head isn't shaped like a bird, is it?"

Flash, wearing a sleepless unblinking face, walked towards the nearest wall to hang onto, until his back was hugging it, sliding down to the ground. “What the hell is going on, man? Why me? Why is all this crazy stuff happening to me?” He pleaded, small tears falling down his cheeks, damning himself mentally for making such a wish. Most children yearn for an adventure and escape, but ignore the reality-shattering consequences that come with it. He felt like a burden, because if Sunset and her friends were strong enough to handle anything, then maybe he was too weak and pathetic. Maybe his mother was right after all.

“Oh come on, child. It was only a short fall—Ow!” Craz said feeling a slap on the back of his head from Hugo, approaching the boy.

“Hey kid, it’s not gonna be alright.” He placed his hand on his shoulder, “Shit like this happens almost daily for us, and look at me, I’m still smiling and not letting that crap affect me from having a good time.” Flash looked at him, his sincere eyes and smile reminded him of his father. “Me and Craz have got out of worse things than this, it’ll be easy! I promise I won’t let anything bad happen to ya.”

His words surprisingly eased his breathing, wiping his tears, “Thanks, Mister Hugo.” He said calmly.

Now fully composed, he stood up and looked around to hopefully find some explanation to the question, “Well, where the hell are we?”

“Seems like your school has a secret underground tunnel. Possibly belonging to an ancient cult or a madman who wished to become one with the mole people. You are quite lucky, kid. I would have murdered myself for a school this fascinating!” Craz said.

“Flash.”

“Hmm?”

“Flash Sentry. I never gave you guys my name, sorry.”

“Flash, huh? Strange, never heard of you.” Craz exclaimed, leaving Flash and Hugo with bewildered looks. “Pleased to meet you, I’m Crazdiono Slash de la Vega, but most call me Craz.”

“Name’s Hugo,” the cat said, reaching for Craz’s pockets picking out a cigar and lighting it, “Hugo Slash. And this weirdo here is my son.”

“Adopted!” Craz added.

Despite his many questions, Flash pushed them aside to prioritize the main objective, “It’s cool meeting you guys, but how do we get out of here? Do you guys have some jetpack that could fly us up there?”

“No, but I'll definitely look into that. Hmm, the simplest solution is entering the dark void ahead!” Craz said, pointing to the darkness behind Flash, making him nervous.

“Hey, what did I say? We’ll be fine!” Hugo said, locking arms with him while chewing on his cigar “Life is always giving you endless dark tunnels with no end in sight. It’s better to go in with someone than by yourself!”

“Precisely!” Craz exclaimed joyfully, locking arms with Flash on the other side, “In fact, the darkness is one of most primal human fears, to conquer you need to fire! So all we have to do is burn something!”

“What about the pages of those books?” Flash genuinely asked.

“Unfortunately, we don't have anything to burn!” Craz said doing a terrible job hiding his offended tone. “Let’s venture forth into the raw darkness!”

The two marched forward, with Flash in hand, marching enthusiastically jolly. As the boy tried mimicking their steps to distract himself from the possibly unknown horror in front of him, he realized too late he could no longer see his shoes.

“Not to worry, I know a great song a scarecrow taught me! Let me change some of the lyrics, though. So it’ll be more suitable” Craz said, as he marched joyfully, with Flash and Hugo attempting to follow.

Follow the Rocky Brown Road, follow the Rocky Brown Road
Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the Rocky Brown Road!

As the song became fainter and fainter into the black void, these two nobodies found themselves on another mind-bending journey. But for Flash, it was a brand new experience that he never imagined to be a part of, if only Sunset could see him now. Then again, the boy had no idea that no matter how calm and collected you were, any adventure with these two nobodies was a guaranteed gateway to insanity.

Something that Craz deep down hoped might be the case, as he started to grow fond of the boy. The complete opposite was for Hugo, as the last thing he wanted was endangering a child. However, another thing that puzzled his feline mind was how Craz had no idea who Flash Sentry was. Craz knew everybody, from the beloved Twilight Sparkle to the infamous Queen Chrysalis and the adorable Ditzy Doo, so not knowing who this boy was troubled his mind.

Either way, Flash was stuck with them. For now, Craz made sure he felt the weight of his Memory-Eraser Pistol in his pockets. Just in case.