Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment

"So."

There was a long, anxious pause, as Luna prepared to ask her question and I prepared to answer it.

"How have you been doing it?"

This was the moment I had been dreading ever since my sister's return. More than the moment she looked up at me with mournful eyes moments after the Elements of Harmony returned her to me. More than the hours of tear-filled apologies and emotional outpouring that had just finished here in my bedchamber. More than the re-architecting of the Equestrian political system that I knew the return of a monarch would have to bring, come daylight. I knew I would have to tell her everything, but for now, I just wanted a few more seconds before I had to get into...that subject.

"Do what?" I replied, innocently.

"Tia." She looked at me with deadpan eyes. I kept my serene expression, but I could feel the strain on my smile. She proceeded simply, walking me through the question so that I could not avoid it. "The ponies I've met were not the ponies around when I left. That means that there have been new ponies. When I was around, I was in charge of helping couples 'produce new ponies'. You never wanted me to share that ability with you, and I doubt you figured it out on your own, being the prude you are. So, you know what I'm asking..."

She narrowed her eyes and curled her mouth into a wolfish grin.

"How. Have. You. Been. Doing-it?"

Luna may not know how I've been 'making new ponies', but she knows even the subject makes me uncomfortable.

I steeled myself, closed my eyes, and prepare to recite the speech I had memorized. This was just so awkward, but I just had to force my way through it. No flowery language, no moralistic embarrassment. Just the cold, anatomical facts that have allowed my little ponies to survive these last thousand years without a goddess of the night.

"Luna, without you to arouse the libido of our subjects, there was a panic, and a sharp decline in birthrate. I worked for years to inspire the same...feelings...in our ponies, but was not able to produce a result that was...satisfactory."

I stumbled over a few words, recalling so many awkward failed experiments in stimulating physical attraction in my ponies. Before her banishment, Luna, as goddess of the night, would "channel the flow of the sensual and the sexual" (to use her words). It was an uncivilized but undeniable biologically necessity, it's true. Luna would get ponies "in the mood" (again, her words) during her night. I always looked the other way when she would go out in the night to distribute her gift, so after her banishment, I was at a loss.

Taking a deep breath, I continued, "After nearly a decade with hardly a single birth, and many ponies frustrated that they couldn't even have so-called 'recreational' relations, our kingdom was about to unravel!"

I let out a long and protracted sigh, eager to add even a second before I had to explain what I had been doing. The truth is, I never respected her for having such an unseemly responsibility, but when she was gone, I was wracking my head trying to reproduce it. I tried spells, scrolls, songs, lotions, and potions. I tried moving the moon every which way, moving it up and down, closer and farther, rotating it round and round. Nothing helped. Colts couldn't even get their...things...to go...up. Mares previously known for their...appetite...could hardly be bothered. And as I quickly discovered, trying to force things just made it worse.

"I tried, but I just could not reproduce your...unique gifts."

Then, I made a mistake. I opened my eyes, only briefly, to see Luna's expression. I imagined it would be one of solemn support for my ordeal, and for the ordeal of our ponies. Empathy for my...distaste for this subject matter. Support from my dear long-lost sister. I got none of this! After hearing of my travails and the threat to our very survival, Luna was smiling! Grinning ear-to-ear like a cat stalking prey, eyes half-lidded! That same look that she had 1000 years ago whenever the topic of our subjects' reproduction came up. My eyes flashed angrily.

"Why are you smiling?! This is serious!"

"Because," she replied coolly, "now I really have to know what you did. What did frigid old Celly do to get ponies rutting?"

Oh, how I wish I had the perfect zinger ready at that moment. I wish I could have dashed her playful little attitude on the rocks of the perfect verbal jab. But when I opened my mouth to respond, my counterargument emerged thusly:

"ARRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I let out a shrill, high-pitched cry of frustration. One thousand years! One thousand years leading ponykind by myself and my sister returns to shred my self control in an instant. One thousand years of peace and prosperity, of kind and loving leadership, of balance and harmony in all of Equestria, of complete adoration from my little pony subjects. One thousand years of wisdom and growth, and I can't take five minutes talking to my sister about sex.

I did what any great leader would do in this situation: I stormed out of the room in a huff.

At this point, let me be honest. I hate sex. I am the princess of the sun, the immortal ruler of all Equestria, the arbiter of its laws and the face of all ponykind. I am above such crass things. Nevermind that it's gross and sloppy and smells bad and UGH! I can't stand it!

Luna poked her head into the hall where I'd been fuming. "Tia, where are you even going? This is your room."

"Shut up, that's who!" I barked defiantly.

Not my finest retort, I'll admit. Luna looked at my quizzically, before softening her expression. "Come back in, Tia, I'm sorry. I won't make any more jokes. But you have to tell me what you did."

"Very well, but...promise you won't judge me."

"I promise."