”I just can’t wait to do all the fun things I have planned for us! I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time! Did you know I wanted to be the first to hang out with you? But Twilight said I couldn’t spring too much excitement on you as you got adjusted to Ponyville! I tried convincing her that…”

Pinkie Pie’s voice was a tornado of excitement, swirling around Anon, failing to draw him in. He had just been dragged out of bed in the Apple’s home for the last time. This time, instead of having a good breakfast, he had breakfast forcibly served to him in bed. In other words, Pinkie shoved a cupcake in his open mouth as he slept. He woke up choking, eyes watering, his muzzle covered in frosting. Pinkie Pie only giggled and pushed a glass of milk in his hooves.

Anon drank the cool liquid down before he even recognized the taste of milk. Once his throat was clear, he gave the pink horse a venomous glare. “Just what the actual fuck is wrong with you?! You pink psycho bitch!”

“Pink psycho bitch?” Pinkie Pie repeated slowly, then let out a hearty laugh. “Hey! That’s a new one! I’ve never been called that one before! That’s definitely going in my book of the things I’ve been called!” Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie brought out a notebook and jotted it down using a pencil held in her mane. “Pink… psycho… bitch! Delivered by Aaron… James… Anthony! There! Not five minutes in and we’re already making memories!”

Anon blinked. He could hardly believe his pony ears. “So you ponies can say my name right!”

Pinkie shut her notebook and made it disappear behind her back. “What’s that, Anonnie?”

“My name! You said Aaron! My actual name! The whole time you ponies acted like it was harder than pronouncing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

“We’ve been saying Anon wrong?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. “Are you sure?”

Anon opened his mouth to unleash a rant on her stupidity and naïveté, but he decided to let it go with a deep breath. He just wasn’t in the mood to deal with this autistic pony so early in the morning. Though he would have liked to slap the shit out of her for the rude awakening she had given him, but he assumed her brain wouldn’t understand the concept of pain. Hopping out of bed, he dragged his hooves to the bathroom, the weight of his new reality still managing to pull him down.

He got in the shower, trying to scrub away the frosting that clung to his face. Since he already had a soapy shower last night, he decided to take the time to let the hot water cascade over him. The heat and pressure of the water helped him to relax a little, washing away the tension he was feeling for his starting week with Pinkie.

Anon closed his eyes and took another calming breath. The water pressure working a miracle on his back, he allowed his thoughts to drift. He supposed he would need to apologize properly to Applejack before he left with Pinkie. She didn’t deserve that low blow he delivered. If it was AJ who spoke ill of his mom, he would have exploded with rage. He had gotten lucky with Applejack not demanding an apology. Still, he had to set things right. Right now though, the shower was amazingly soothing. It was like it was giving him a massage from an angel.

“Feeling better now?” Pinkie suddenly spoke from behind him.

Anon let out an involuntary whinny. He hadn't even heard Pinkie enter the bathroom, yet somehow, she had gotten in the shower with him while wearing a shower cap.

"Pinkie, what the hell?!" He sputtered, instinctively grabbing the shower curtain to cover himself.

“What’s wrong, Anonnie?” Pinkie asked, smiling innocently.

Anon's face was beet red, whether from embarrassment or the heat of the shower, it was hard to tell. “I’m na-“ Anon suddenly remembered he was naked the second he arrived in Equestria. Along with literally every other sentient species. He let the curtain fall. Still, he couldn’t help feeling violated. “What are you doing in here?”

“I don’t need my Pinkie Sense to see you have some serious tension in your back. I figured you wouldn’t be able to have fun with such a problem so, as a good friend should, I’m here to help!!” Pinkie said cheerfully, ignoring his squeamishness. She pulled out a loofah and a bottle of bubblegum-scented body wash. “Also, you missed a spot on your back!”

“Do you have voices inside your head or something?” Anon asked, hardly able to believe he was truly having this conversation in the shower of all places.

“Oh I have all kinds of voices giving me good ideas!” Pinkie said as she began to lather the loofah. “Do this, Pinkie! Do that, Pinkie! Bake Rainbow Dash into cupcakes, Pinkie! But that one didn’t sound like a good idea at all, so I ignored it!”

Anon scrambled out the shower before Pinkie could touch him. “Pinkie, you’re freaking me out!”

Pinkie poked her head out from behind the shower curtain, with a pure look of confusion. “You don’t like the scent of bubblegum?”

Once again Anon had to remind himself there was no point in getting upset with Pinkie. One didn’t have to know her long to see she was different. He grabbed a towel and quickly dried himself off best he could, trying to escape the awkwardness of the situation. Not even twenty minutes in and she was proving to be more intolerable than Rainbow Dash.

Knock, knock, knock!

“Everything OK in there?” Applejack’s voice came through the door.

“No!” Anon yelled. “Call Chris Hansen! Tell him we got a live one here!”

Pinkie Pie disappeared behind the curtain She wasn't going to let the soap go to waste. “Who's Crisp Fashion?” She asked curiously. "Sounds like somepony Rarity would know."

After bidding farewell to Applejack along with a heartfelt apology, she and Anon shared a brief hug. Or rather it was supposed to be brief. Just as AJ bent down to hug him, Anon found himself drawn towards the affectionate act and pulled her in tight. It had been a long time since anyone hugged him. He missed the action more than he realized.

Applejack patted his back gently. She whispered a few words of comfort and reassurance into his ear letting him know he was forgiven. Then she had to ask Anon to let go. He finally released her with a blush on his face. He wanted to die on the spot when he said goodbye, because instead of using her name, he slipped up and said ‘mom’.

Before AJ could react Anon sped down the road with Pinkie Pie bouncing behind him.

A small part of Anon wanted to stay on the farm. There was purpose here. The rest of him knew there was no place for him here. Just like all the other places in Equestria. He would either wake up from this dream/nightmare or wait until he was old enough to go out on his own. Where would he go? There was time to work that out, but the thought of it scared him. One thing for sure was it wouldn’t be here. How could it be? This was a place for family and friends.

The sun was high in the sky by the time Anon and Pinkie arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The smell of freshly baked cookies and warm apple cider wafted out the door and hit him like a warm embrace. It was comforting, but not nearly as much as the apple orchard. Pinkie told him she had a surprise trip for him and took him up to her bedroom to pack a few more things she forgot.

As he was coming back from the bathroom, Anon heard faint whispers of laughter and giggling coming from a nearby room. His curiosity piqued, he looked inside the room where the sound was coming from. The sight took him by surprise. There were two foals sitting in a crib together. Actual foals. Babies. Whether he never really noticed babies in Ponyville or if this was a rare sight, he wasn't sure.

Anon decided to get a closer look at them and stepped in the room. One was a unicorn, the other a pegasus. They looked at him with curiosity, their little snouts twitching. Anon would deny it to anyone who would ask, but he felt his heart melt a little. He hadn’t been around kids much in his world, let alone babies. They were so pure, so innocent. He took a step closer, and the pegasus baby looked away, shyly hiding its face behind its hooves. The unicorn one began to cry a little.

"Aw, don't be like that," Anon said softly, reaching a gentle hoof towards the crying unicorn foal.

Maybe a little nursery rhyme will calm them down, he thought, and began to sing a simple tune he remembered from his own childhood. The foal's cries turned into sniffles as he softly sung.

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Anon's going to buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Anon's going to buy you a diamond ring..."

How did it go again? For the life of him, he couldn't remember. May as well finish it up best way he knew how.

"And if that diamond ring gets… sold… Anon's gonna feel like... a real asshole."

The foals giggled at his song, their little laughs melodious and pure. It was a sound that could brighten even the darkest of days. The pegasus foal poked its head out from behind its hooves, and the unicorn one grabbed Anon's hoof. He was surprised to find himself actually smiling at their reaction, feeling a strange bond forming with the foals. They were so tiny and full of life, a stark contrast to his own. Then life decided to throw him another curveball.

"Assshh... hooooole," the unicorn foal attempted to repeat Anon's improvised ending to the nursery rhyme.

Anon felt a wave of panic wash over him as he realized what he'd just done. "Nooo!" Anon whisperd, shaking his head. "No-no-no-no! Don't say that! That's bad words! You're gonna get Anon in some deep shit!"

"Deeeee shhhiiiiit," the pegasus foal echoed.

Anon's eyes went wide with horror. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!" he whispered, trying to keep his voice low. The last thing he needed was for Pinkie to hear him teaching baby ponies to swear. He looked around frantically trying to think of how to stop them, but all he could do was watch as the two foals giggled and babbled away.

"Assshh... hooooole."

"Stop it!" Anon said through gritted teeth. "Say Casserole! Come on! Caaaasss... errroooole! Isn't that more fun to say?"

"Assshh... hooooole."

"Shush!"

"Deeeee shhhiiiiit."

"Sea ship! For the love of God! Say sea ship, kid! Seeeeeaaaa shhhiiiiiiip! Please!" Anon begged in a hushed tone, his eyes darting to the door, fearing Pinkie could walk in any second. Or worse their mother.

But the foals only continued to giggle and babble the words that was going to make their parents bury him alive. Anon felt a bead of sweat roll down his forehead. What if this was their first words? This was not going to end well for him. He had to get back to Pinkie and make her hurry her up with the packing.

"Pinkie!" He called, trotting back down the hall trying to sound casual. "We should get going now or we'll miss the train!"

Pinkie popped out of her bedroom, her suitcase bouncing on her back. "Alrighty! Let's go!"

The two of them left Sugarcube Corner with the foals still giggling and repeating the words. Anon couldn't shake off the feeling of dread. He hoped that their mother had a good sense of humor. Or maybe she wouldn't believe she wasn’t hearing them right. All he could do now was hope Pinkie’s planned trip would last the whole week. Maybe by the time they got back, the foals would have caught on to some more appropriate words.

Anon involuntary shuddered as he thought of the ‘A’ word: Appropriate. How he detested it. Despite his dirty mouth, that was the one word that felt real dirty.

They boarded the train and found their seats. Pinkie sat across from Anon smiling excitedly at him. It was a smile that could light up a room, but to Anon it was somewhat eerie. It was the smile of a pony who had just been told the world was made of ice cream and she had the only spoon.

“Would you mind not staring at me like that?” Anon asked.

Pinkie’s smile only grew. “Like what?”

“Like I’ve been deep fried and covered in chocolate,” Anon said, annoyed he had to actually explain this to a grown mare.

“Well, you are edible, Anon! Even I’m edible! In fact…” Pinkie stood up on her seat and spoke in an hollering tone, gesturing to all the other ponies around them the train. “Everypony on this train is edible!” All eyes went wide and were now staring at Pinkie in shock and fearing for their lives. ”But that is called cannibalism! Which is frowned upon by the majority of Equestria!”

The ponies slowly looked away still feeling a bit concerned they chose the wrong day to take the train.

Anon groaned, rubbing his temples; or rubbing the spot where he had temples. He knew very little of his own biology and it was vexing when he was reminded about it. He was starting to regret hustling Pinkie out the door. Maybe if the foal’s mom busted him, he would be ‘punished’ by having this trip cancelled.

At least he wouldn’t have to endure it alone. Flipping open his saddlebag, he let Carnage climb out and lay beside him.

A whole week with Pinkiewise the Dancing Pony. God help me.

Author's Note

I stopped it here because this was starting to feel like a chapter on its own due to the length and outline. I also have quite a bit of shenanigans to write and I felt like it would clash with this chapter. For the record I’m not a self insert guy. Aaron just sounded closest to Anon.

And this was supposed to strictly be a comedy guys! A series of one shots of comedic stories! Your comments are making me add these sad moments. This keeps up I’m gonna have to add a sad tag.

Warning for next chapter: Anon is going to have his coat turned pink. And Pink Anon is Crazy Anon. Gonna have quite the movie references for it.