Twelve Ounces of Absurdity

But Celestia Said No

Twilight Sparkle made a leap for the mall’s ice cream vendor only to be yanked roughly back, a taut leash almost crushing her windpipe.

She turned to Celestia, flailing her forelegs frantically. “Please, I gotta get ice cream! Look, they got 27 flavors, I bet they even got book flavor!” Twilight leaned in close and gave the leash-holder a pleading gaze. “I think it’ll make me smarter, just like that time you went to the bathroom and when you came back, I was eating up the copy of The Da Vanner Code you were reading!”

You know what comes next. “No.”

Twilight did a double-take. “What, really? But you like ice cream! I catch you all the time sneaking into the castle kitchen at midnight! You eat whole tubs of the stuff and then I always tell you, ‘No Princess, you are what you eat and if you keep eating tubs of iced cream, you will turn into a tub.’ And we don’t need another bath tub, we already got that really nice one on sale with the turbo jets!”

Princess Celestia paused, then straightened her posture. “No,” she flatly replied.

“No, you don’t like the tub, or no, I can’t get ice cream? You need to be more speciffiiiic, I can’t even understand what you’re saying! I don’t know how to interpret regalese!” the desperate unicorn whined, doing a little stomp. “And it better not be the tub! I asked you if you liked it and you didn’t say anything. I told you if we didn’t want it, we had to return it within the week or they wouldn’t give us a refund.”

“No.”

“They did too tell us that! Don’t lie, we bought it together at Pony Depot. One week, it says right on the receipt. They had to tighten their policies because ponies were being dishonest, just like you’re being dishonest right now! And now you’re not being true to your heart because you won’t let us get the ice cream we both want!” Twilight spun in a circle, struggling with the leash.

Can you guess what the princess’ll say? Celestia said, “No.”

“C’mon, do you really not want it because you’re sick of ice cream, or is this a diet thing? Are you trying to watch your weight again? Because Princess, you aren’t fat and even if you were putting on pounds, that would be okay because you’re so much taller than everypony and your frame can handle it! It’s like how a big barrel can hold more than a smaller barrel.”

“No.”

Twilight looked at her incredulously. “Eh what? Uh, Princess Celestia, are you confused about basic physics? Okay, so that wasn’t the best comparison but you can’t just say no to it. That’s just not gonna work out for anyone. Even if you wanna refute my understanding of matter, you gotta give a counter argument!” She grabbed some flowers from a nearby vending cart. “I need something to go on here, like if you fill a small barrel up with these flowers. If you want to prove it can hold more, you got to do an experiment that shows it. Scientific!”

“No.”

“You can’t just dismiss science like that! Didn’t you invent science, anyway? Aren’t you like the pony god of the pony people? So if you talk like that about science, it’ll set a bad example. You’ll be ruining science! Hold on, you didn’t ruin science already, did you? Did you break the science?! If you did it, say you did it! If you didn’t, suck it up and say you did.”

Celestia held her stoic pose. “No.”

“Come on, you can tell me. You can trust me! Is that why gravity’s playing favorites? Don’t tell me no, cause I have the know. I’m in the know, it’s happening because I saw it! I’m drowning in know—ledge, in knowledge—and I can’t breath!” She shoved the flowers in Celestia’s face. “Think of the flowers, they use photosynthesis, they don’t wanna be that familiar with the floor!”

Princess Celestia swatted the bouquet out of her face. This time she stated, “You’re in my way. I was looking in that direction and now all I see is you, and I wasn’t looking to see you.

"Plus you walk funny. Your walking isn’t funny, walking like that will break your back. If your back broke in half, you wouldn't be able to walk anymore and you'd spend all your days in a chair crying for food but nobody will help you because you're nobody's friend.

"You don't have friends, not even the chair. Nobody likes you, nobody knows you, nobody rules the earth like I do and you don't. Plus you're in my way and I wasn't born looking at you, I wasn't born to do anything for you.

"Those flowers aren't real, those flowers are fake. If you think those flowers are for me, then you think wrong. Those flowers are for nobody and you are the nobody, you probably stole those flowers from your grandma.”

Awkwardly, Twilight rubbed the back of her head, then stared at the ground. “My grandma’s dead.”

There was a brief silence, then “No.”

“So, uh, what about that ice cream?”

“No.”