Twelve Ounces of Absurdity

Thus Spoke Applejack

Today’s bound to be an interesting one. That had been the first thought in her head as Applejack rose for the new day. She wasn’t really sure why. Nothing significant had occurred since the changelings had invaded the royal wedding a few months ago. No dragons, Discords, or diamond dogs. Each day held little variance from the usual routine.

Despite this, our eager Applejack found herself craving excitement and held onto to that thought as she ate her breakfast. And as she got a hyperactive Apple Bloom (the yellow prick) ready for school. And as she went through her daily chores. And as she helped Granny find her teeth again, this time embedded in the kitchen ceiling (we know who Apple Bloom takes after).

Now afternoon, the fatigued farm pony was currently lying under one of the abundant apple trees of Sweet Apple Acres. Her exact location on the farm is irrelevant as neither you nor I will be traveling there anytime soon, despite how many bedtime prayers you devote to the matter. Also, maps of the property are kept in short supply as the Apple family values their privacy due to a wariness of big government.

So, resigning herself to another Monday, AJ had just begun to nod off when a mischievous apple fell squarely onto her head. Bolting up, she muttered, “Jus’ what the hay was that fer?” Then she noticed she was conversing with an apple.

And then it all came together.

Some might attribute it to the recent head trauma, but Applejack knew the real culprit was divine inspiration. For the first time, she truly felt awe for the beautiful, harmonious form of the apple. It was the sustainer of life and foundation of a solid family, a bastion of purity in this corrupt pony world. Ever the fool, she’d been searching outside herself for purpose when apples were right there all along! Apples are no mere livelihood, but the path to a righteous life!

Applejack had recently taken up reading poetry at Twilight’s behest.

“Ah gotta do somethin’ ‘bout this! Heck, I’m supposed to be the element o’ honesty. It ain’t right fer me to keep the truth all ta myself, I gotta tell everypony else!” Picking up her hat, AJ set off in a mad dash for town.

Along the way, her head buzzed with ideas swarming and swirling. Revelations on the nature of existence! But among these thoughts, it occurred to the sincere pony that she lacked the eloquence necessary to satisfyingly convey the message across ponykind. She would need the help of a booksmart pony to write down her new gospel.

 Arriving at Twilight’s library tree, Applejack rapidly knocked on the door. Unfortunately for her, the princess had already enlisted Twilight’s help—in the development of new destruction spells for the defense of Equestria—and the harebrained unicorn was standing right at the other side of the door, testing her magic on it.

The kinetic vibrations set off a magical mine, blowing up Ponyville.