Twelve Ounces of Absurdity

Twilight turned to the mare next to her. “Do you believe this?”

“I don’t believe anything,” Rarity replied, applying more black eyeliner.

She sighed. “Loaning you Neightzsche was a mistake.”

“Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable.”

Twilight shook her head in disgust and once more looked to the scene before her. Writhing on the filthy floor of the library in a pile of books, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were covered in Felix the Cat stickers and wrestling, with a bit of kung fu thrown in for good measure. Fluttershy was surprisingly winning and had just put Dash in a headlock, her eyes bulging and face turning a delightful shade of purple, suffocating like a champ. Also for some reason, Scootaloo was humping the cyan speedster’s leg and pouring peach sauce on them.

“You fucking better not get that on my books. I paid good money—it was a gift—I put some effort into stealing them from Bus Stop Marigold in that alley,” Twilight warned.

“Nngh, yeah, whatever.” Scootaloo continued her sexual assault while Rainbow Dash’s few brain cells left her.

“Oh, I’m so very sorry about this, Twilight. But this bitch has to learn not to mess up other ponies’ sticker collections.”

Rarity paused writing gloomy poetry about vampires to chime in, “That’s so lame, darling. Like the blackness of my soul makes me ask why would you bother?”

Fluttershy didn’t respond, merely finishing the job on Rainbow Dash.

“Screw this, I’m not serving another prison sentence.” Twilight flipped them the bird and went to the market. Rarity caught it and started dressing him up as Owlowesiouxsie.

On the way, several random ponies stopped Twilight to inquire on the proper procedure for gardening peas, squash, and those little potatoes that smell funny. Which one, they all smell funny, she asked. But the ponies could only shrug their shoulders and admit they hadn’t paid close attention, they weren’t in the habit. That’s why they had to go to her instead of researching themselves. The literacy rate in Ponyville is lower than you’d expect. Maybe not, I actually don’t know of many ponies that can read.

But let’s leave the past to reminiscers and outdated sitcoms. Now at the bustling market, Twilight was feeling particularly bold and the heat clouded her mind to any inhibitions. Ineptly, she sauntered up to the nearest vendor, a used carrot salespony with a heart of gold and a liver of broken dreams.

She made a duck face and leaned over the counter. “Say Casanova, you look like you could use a good time.”

He blushed and pulled his shirt over his snout. “Ya—ya think so? My wife died yesterday and my kids rebuked me...I sure could go for something fun like pictionary or monopoly.”

Twilight fluttered her eyes. “Monopoly? I’d like to build a hotel on your boardwalk.”

The vendor began hyperventilating and his pupils dilated, he was putty in her hooves.

But suddenly, his eyes fell out and he grew five-foot-long horns! His mane erupted into hellish flames and he gave a malicious laugh, flashing teeth that could chew through those really hard bits in Rice Krispies. “Forget the board games, we’ll murder business executives and rape orphans together! For I am Satan, daddy of evil!”

She leapt back, blood running cold, arousal slightly dampened. She looked around the crowded sordid market, was anyone seeing this? But apparently no, no one cared that the wimpy carrot guy had mutated into a hulking antichrist that smelled like mildew.

“Are you ready for a night of immaculate seduction and absolute corruption?!” He licked his lips, eyes glowing eagerly.

“Um...not really. Look, uh, Satan, I—I don’t really like you. I mean yeah, I’m kind of a bitch and like to steal from hobos, but that’s it. I’m not evil.”

Satan did a double take, was he really hearing this? From the mare that kicked puppies? He frowned, turning away. “Fine. You guys never want to do anything, nobody ever includes me. I don’t even know why I try.” He blinked away unholy tears and sniffled. “Fuck you, I’m done with this shit.”

Shoulders drooping, Satan sulkily walked away into the sunset, leaving a trail of death and doom everywhere he stepped. Poor guy, it’s not like he could help it. It’s a birth defect.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.