Twelve Ounces of Absurdity

Princess Luna trotted lively into the Royal Living Room, pretending she was an astronaut. Sometimes she missed living on the moon. Sometimes the moon missed living on her. But thinking this while walking was too much of a burden on her existence, and she tripped.

Princess Celestia leapt off the couch in anguish. “The horror, the horror!” she shrieked, thrashing her legs..

Luna Princess looked up at her sister, emotionally stirred by the concern for her well-being. Her eyes glimmered with tears as she whispered, “Dearest sister, we are infinitely touched by your love for us.” She made no attempt to get up.

However, the solar goddess had paid no heed to her jubilations and was at the window, playing with the lever. “Can you believe it? Someone forgot to shut this window! A bug could get in here or something...maybe a grasshopper.” She shuddered. Grasshoppers are the original evil.

Dust. Dust in the wind. Only ever dust in the wind. Luna stared at the floor in contemplation, then detached her right foreleg and set it to cleaning mode. It set to work clearing away all that dust, but it was likely a mug’s game.

She considered what odd jobs she might set her other limbs to. Her left hind leg seemed like the sort to enjoy cooking, she believed it had once told her so. But what if it was better minding the register? And even if not, what would it prepare, the creme brulee or the beef wellington? Maybe even the raviolis...the menu had been recently expanded and it was all so confusing.

She decided to consult her older, wiser sister in the matter. Tentatively, she gathered up the moisture in her mouth, pooling the saliva. Remembering the good times, she spit. But her aim was off and it hit Celestia square in the face, staining the pristine regal fur with enzymes. Unless that’s what she’d been going for, she’d made a balls of it. You can tell her so yourself if you ever happen to see her, I know I will.

Celestia blinked. She winked. She almost shrinked. She scowled at Luna and barked, “Just what the hell was that for?”

“What should we prepare for dinner?”

“You spit on me so you could ask about dinner?!”

“Well, yes.” She gestured to her absent limb. “I can’t walk like this, and I don’t have the heart to interrupt the poor thing.” Luna is very compassionate and writes poetry.

The older alicorn narrowed her eyes. “Acceptable this time.” She grabbed Luna by the tail and dragged her into the kitchen.

They stopped in front of the fridge. Luna waited patiently and charmed the ants while her sister rummaged through spoiled and forgotten foods. They ate out a lot, which she liked to tell visitors was the reason for Celestia’s enormous butt.

And after throwing out numerous cartons of milk from the previous century, Celestia struck gold. “Aha!” she declared, pulling out a foul hunk of goat meat and shoving it in Luna’s face. “The answer to our prayers!”

Luna blanched at the stench emanating from the thing before her. Decayed and maggot-ridden, writhing fungus covered the rotten meat from yesteryear, and it gleamed in the kitchen light, giving off eerie vibes. The air grew stale and her heart caught in her throat.

Stunned, she couldn’t pull her eyes away. Luna gazed into the infinite depths of the mold, that one sacred abyss where all is right. And she knew it was, it had been, it could be no longer. Outrageous. Unacceptable. Heartbreaking.

Clenching her jaw, eyes burning with the flame of a thousand phoenix, she wrenched it away from her sister and indignantly threw it against the wall.

Rebounding against the hard surface, the wretched chunk of goat landed on a discarded slice of bread.

And that’s how sandwiches were invented.