Breathtaking

I could feel their eyes on me as I made my way through the town. Ponies whispered behind their hooves as I walked through the market. I kept walking, outwardly unaffected by the whispers and stares, but on the inside I was cursing last night. One moment of feeling sorry for myself resulted in pushing the town away. Whispers gave way to suppressed giggles as I moved farther into the market. I noticed out of the corners of my eyes that everybo- PONY had their eyes either on me or a newspaper. I kept smoking and walking, looking for any faces that were halfway familiar. It wasn't long before the onlookers started to get bolder. As I looked at one of the stands, the owner scowled at me from over the top of his paper.

"Keep walking, drunk."

Nice. I heard another voice a little further ahead.

"Hide your foals, folks. Here comes the human!"

Great.

If I thought coming into town the first time was awkward, there wasn't a word to describe what today was. I needed out. Immediately. Scanning the crowd, I spotted a friendly face. Applejack had a stand set up out towards the opposite end of town from Rarity's. I half jogged up to her, hoping to get an idea of just how bad it really was to be me at the moment. I found my answer almost immediately.

"Hey, Applejack! I didn't know y'all ran a business out here..."

She almost jumped at the sound of my voice. Spinning quickly and looking around at the rest of the market, she reluctantly addressed me.

"Uh, hey John. Yeah, I been doin' this fer a while, now." I smiled at her.

"Dang..." I said. "Well hey, you mind if we talk fer a bit or are you too busy?"

She kept looking around, scanning the other ponies faces in the area. I knew what she was gonna say before she said it.

"Look, uhh... John. I know y'all are tryin' ta be friendly an such, but uhhh..." Her voice lowered and she leaned in closer. "Talkin' ta y'all ain't exactly good fer business today, ya know?"

I nodded slowly and cut my eyes downwards.

"Yeah... Yeah, I know. Well, uh... I guess I'll just make myself scarce then."

She smiled sadly and looked away, but I understood. Turning away and moving further through the town I spotted another familiar face. Lyra stepped out of a small building, spotted me and froze. I smiled weakly and waved, but she quickly disappeared. The smile faded from my face. Thinking quickly, I took off and headed out in search of the mare that could give me the best advice.

I threw open the library door.

"Twilight! Twilight, are you here? Its John!"

A nervous voice called from upstairs.

"Oh! Uhhh... John! No, I'm not busy at all, one moment, please!"

I heard what sounded like the end of a hushed argument and some books being thrown around. Twilight appeared shortly afterward, looking slightly disheveled and smiling awkwardly.

'Hey, John. Uhh... so how did your party go?" I shook my head and sighed.

"Horribly, but what're ya gonna do? I've actually come to ask for a little advice on what I should do now."

Looking up at the lavender mare, I noticed she wouldn't keep eye contact. Another pile of books could be heard toppling over upstairs. Frowning, I decided to ask about them.

"So, how's Spike doing? Doesn't sound like he's havin' a whole lotta fun up there." Twilight looked over again and sighed.

"He's just... upset. About being up so early. Yeah." I wasn't convinced, but I left it at that and asked her a question point blank.

"So about the party last night... I'm sure you know what happened by now." She bit her lip and started kicking at the floor with her hooves, still avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah. I knew I should have come back after I walked Fluttershy home. I'm so-" I had to interrupt.

"Look, what's done is done. Can't change the past, so let's not worry about it. I came to you wondering if you could help me FIX it." She came slowly down the stairs.

"I don't know, John. This is a small town... Word gets around fast and gossip travels even faster than that. Ponies don't forget a whole lot around here, especially after a display like last night."

"Great." I said, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "So this is it. I'm done here. No, scratch that. I'm done everywhere. The only human in this whole world and I've made an absolute ass outta myself."

Twilight's brow furrowed in confusion. I really needed to stop using language that nobody around here understands. Twilight trotted over to me and gave me a half smile.

"Look, everyone gets a little out of control sometimes. I'm sure there's something you can do to rectify the situation." She paused and cast a glance up where she left Spike before continuing. "So, how was Rarity this morning?" she said in a low whisper. A snort and more shuffling books came from upstairs. Ignoring it, I answered.

"Well, she wasn't too happy when I woke up, but I think she's gonna be alright." I said with a slight smile.

"Well, I'm not sure about everypony else, but you should probably lay low for a while." She started to pace back and forth for a minute, thinking of a way to help. I finally just started back out the door.

"I'm gonna head back to Fluttershy's then." Suddenly, she stomped a hoof.

"OH!" She exclaimed. "Fluttershy was expecting you home last night! I'll bet she's worried sick!" I nodded and started to go again, but didn't make it halfway out of the door before Twilight spoke up another time.

"Oh, I almost forgot! I have received word from Canterlot that the princesses want to meet you 'at your earliest convenience.' " Aw, shit. I almost forgot.

"Well, how's about we give it a little time? I don't think the princesses would be all that thrilled about being in the presence of the newly appointed 'party animal' at the moment." I said dryly. Twilight smiled sheepishly and nodded.

"As soon as you're ready I will send a letter." This time, books literally tumbled off of the upstairs landing.

"You'd better go help him out. It sounds pretty bad up there." I said to her as I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.

"Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofagoddamn bastard..." I muttered to myself the entire way to Fluttershy's cottage. It was a fair piece outside of town and I was without my boots on a dirt and clechie road.

"I swear, if I ever have to go without shoes again, I'm gonna fucking murder something - OOMPH!" The words hadn't left my mouth before a rainbow-colored blur came out of the sky and drilled me right in the chest. Wincing and opening my eyes, I found I was nose-to-nose with none other than Rainbow Dash; the pegasus mare pinning me to the ground with her hooves pushing down on my shoulders. Glaring at her, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"NOW JUST WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" She glared with a look of pure malice and leaned forward, her eyes burning with hellfire. She spoke quietly, each syllable expressing her seriousness.

"If You... Ever... Hurt... ANYPONY... In This Town. I Will Make You Regret It." I started to struggle a little, testing her hold. Not that good. Maybe for a pony, but not for me.

"Jesus, its a fucking SAYING where I come from! It doesn't mean SHIT! Let me go!" She pushed harder and I started to relax.

"I don't care! You heard me and it still stands! You lay a hoof on my friends and you're done!" I smiled and a look of confusion and alarm flashed across her face.

"I don't have hooves, chica."

The way she was straddling me would have worked on another pony with limited reach, but lucky me, human arms have a helluva range of motion. Taking advantage of her relaxation, I quickly brought my arms up and slammed them down into the crooks of her forelegs, dropping her on my chest and forcing her to keep balance with her hind legs. I rolled over, brought my knees up to where her shoulders were and brought my arm down across her throat. I was barely into position when i realized this was a horrible idea. Just as her hold was compromised with me being a human, mine was compromised because she was a pony.

She flailed wildly with her hind legs and a hoof caught me square in the back of the head. Lights exploded in my vision and I rolled off of her, instantly putting my arms over my head and drawing my knees up to my chin. I felt a breeze kick up as Rainbow Dash propelled herself from the ground. Rolling again and jumping up, ready for another onslaught, I locked eyes with her and tensed. If looks could kill, I woulda been dead as a doornail. Eventually, her face relaxed and smirk formed across her lips.

"Not bad... 'human.' But next time, you're not gonna be so lucky... Remember what I said!" She took off, leaving a trail of rainbow and her warning ringing in my ears. I shook my head trying to get rid of the spots in my vision. Well, that'll be another concussion I thought to myself. Staggering off, I silently hoped Fluttershy's place was close.

Just as I was feeling about like my feet were going to fall off, I saw it. The cottage. Oh, thank God. I stumbled up to the door and knocked several times. No one came to the door. I knocked again. No answer. That was when the headache finally hit. I was almost expecting it sooner. One of the common symptoms of a concussion is a severe headache and this one was no joke. I was already still a little hung over; combining that with some brain damage is not a good idea.

I opened Fluttershy's door and stepped inside. Moving into the kitchen, I clumsily picked up a cup and filled it with water from the faucet. I downed it in a few large gulps and filled it again. And again. And again. With a belly full of water and a headache from hell, I was a sight to behold, to be sure. All of the sudden, a huge wave of pure exhaustion hit me like a brick wall. Oh shit, John. Don't fall asleep. That's the worst thing you can do now is fall asleep. The urge to crash and burn right there doubled with each passing moment. I stumbled into the bedroom I had been living in since I came here and fell to my knees on the floor. Before the rest of me dropped, I snagged the pillow off the bed and put it on the floor. The comfortable floor. It wasn't ten seconds before my eyes closed and I was comatose.

I finally opened my eyes. It was pitch black in the cottage. More surprisingly, I was in bed, tucked in with a large glass of water next to me on the nightstand. Good thing too because regardless of everything I drank earlier, I was still thirsty as hell. I took a long pull on the glass, draining half of it in a matter of seconds before I started to get my bearings. Not to mention the fact that I had a dire need to piss.

I got up out of the bed just fine and walked on outside into the yard. It was late at night or early morning; either way, I was a lucky bastard. Taking a few more steps out into the moonlit night and unzipping my jeans, I began to think about what was to come as I relieved myself. Concussion. A traumatic brain injury. Can't say I've never done that before. Out for at least 12 hours. Who put me into bed? Am I gonna be ok? The answers eluded me for the time being. Instead of thinking about it, I just looked up. The night sky was gorgeous and bright. Why ruin it with bullshit like this?

Smiling contentedly, I turned and headed back inside, but it wasn't long before my thoughts strayed back to my head. I remembered my last concussion. The aftermath was not good. Hoping silently to myself that there was no real brain damage, I laid back down to sleep. I glanced at the clock. It said 5:00. Shit John, 14 hours. Good thing you actually woke up. Shrugging and laying my head back down on the pillow, I let my eyes close and fell asleep again.

10 o'clock in the morning and I was awake again. "Well, I can tack another 5 hours to the coma-counter then." I said aloud to myself. I heard an excited squeal come from the next room.

"Oh my goodness, John!" Fluttershy exclaimed as she flew in and wrapped her forelegs around my neck. "I'm SO glad you're ok! I came home yesterday from Ponyville with Applejack. She said she needed to talk to you, but we couldn't find you anywhere. Twilight said she sent you to my home, but when we got here you were asleep and we couldn't wake you up. I was so scared!" She said, still hugging my neck fiercely.

"Fluttershy... Hun, I'm alright. Everything's ok." She continued like she didn't hear me.

"Applejack helped me put you up in the bed. That's when we noticed the big lump on the back of your head. Did you bump it on a rock or something?"

Yeah, you could say that I thought to myself.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me. I've got a hard head." Her expression softened momentarily before becoming concerned again.

"Some of the ponies in town have been saying awful things about you. What happened that night?" She must have not read the paper. My head instantly went to my hands.

"I drank a little too much and did some incredibly stupid things. Chances are, everything the folks in town have been saying is right." She looked shocked.

"Oh... Oh my."

Yeah. Oh my.

Her shock turned more into a look of pity before she spoke again.

"Oh John, you know alcohol is not something you should fool around with. Drinking heavily is bad for you and it wont solve any problems." Really? "Most ponies drink like that to forget, but its only temporary and the consequences are never good." I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"I know hun. I know." In truth, I was just saying it to make her happy. She was right, but I never did stay sober for too long. She started talking again.

"Let's forget about it. Ponies do the silliest things when they drink too much. That's why I don't drink at all." She suddenly smiled. "But good news! Applejack wanted to talk to you about a job she found. That is, if you're still looking for a job?" she ended quizzically.

"A job? After all of that? Doing what?" She shook her head.

"I don't know, but she seemed to think that it was something you would really enjoy. She said you could meet her out at her stall today in the market and she'd tell you herself." I stood up and started to leave, moving steadily without any difficulty.

"Is she still out there?" I asked.

"For a few more hours, I think. I'll go with you!" I stopped her.

"No, that's alright, Fluttershy. I'll be fine going by myself." She walked me to the door.

"Oh, are you sure? I was so worried the night before when you didn't come home. I'm glad Rarity found you." I paused. Did... Did she just...? After everything over the last few days, did she just reference this as my home, too?

"Is something wrong, John?" I smiled and opened the door.

"No, hun... Nothing at all."

It was business as usual in the market. Folks were going on about their business buying, selling, and trading their goods around town. And looking at the human. There were certainly fewer overt complaints about my presence today, to be sure. Ponies for the most part merely saw me and rolled their eyes. Well, that's nice. At least I'm not getting stoned to death, right? I thought to myself. I approached Applejack's stand and waved in greeting. Naturally, she nodded and smiled in reply, but continued to look around.

"So, AJ... Fluttershy was sayin'-" She held up a hoof to interrupt.

"Not here. Meet me over on the other side of town," she said, jerking her head in the direction she meant. I sighed. I guess things weren't really all that different just yet.

I walked through the rest of the town contemplating life around here and what this new job could be. What is she gonna do? Couldn't possibly be anyone else looking for an employee; no one in their right minds would hire the drunk, so it had to be a job working for her. An orange filly zipped past me on a scooter. Man, she was really bookin' it.

"Shit, I need a cigarette." I said to myself. I started to near the edge of town when I heard hoofbeats coming up behind me.

"Hey there! Wait up!"

At the edge of Ponyville was a cliff overlooking the land, an amazing view to say the least. As we neared the edge of the cliff, Applejack started to explain a little.

"I'm so sorry bout the last couple uh days, but y'all ain't exactly the most popular in town at the moment, iffn ya catch my drift. I mean, I got a family ta help feed." I interrupted her.

"Don't worry about it. I understand completely. I ain't exactly the best behaved person round here anyways, right?" She smiled and shook her head.

"You know, usually when I start ta buzz a little, I'll stop drinkin'. Maybe y'all aughtta try-" The rest of her sentence was cut off by a loud scream.

"OH THANK CELESTIA, HEEEEEEEEEELP!!! SOMEPONY! ANYPONY HEEEEELP!!!"

Applejack and I both lunged towards the edge of the cliff and dropped to our stomachs, leaning over the edge of the side to find the source of the scream. Looking quickly told me everything I needed to know. The filly on the scooter had gone over the side and she was hanging on for dear life, hooves wrapped through a root system about 20 feet down the side. She was a pegasus, but her little wings didn't look like they could do much to help her on up. Shit.

Applejack and I straightened up.

"HAYSEED!" She shouted. "I DON'T GOT MAH DERN ROPE, EITHER!" The cries from below got more frantic.

"I'M SLIPPING!"

"Look," I said, thinking quickly. "Get your rope. I'm gonna climb on down there and grab the kid, you pull us up when you get back!" She nodded and took off like a shot from a cannon back towards the town as I started feet first over the side. The voice in my head couldn't help but make itself heard. Boy, of all the half baked bullshit you've pulled over the years, climbing unharnessed and barefoot over a damn cliff face has to be the worst fucking-

My feet, still in the socks found a rock and promptly slipped off. Cursing my lack of forethought, I pulled the socks off with my toes and let them fall. Now, able to catch some grip with my bare feet, I continued to lower myself down. Looking momentarily to make sure of my route, I started to move closer and closer to the poor kid.

Panting slightly from the combination of trying to keep myself attached to the rock face and fear, I pushed everything else from my mind and kept going. My right foot tested another rock and I put some weight on it, only to have it crumble under me. Pulling myself back up and holding on for dear life, I started to laugh.

Oh, if only I had my piss yellow PT belt. As long as you had one of those on, you were fuckin' invincible! All of this was said in my head sarcastically. Damn new age Army and their damn safety rules. Still laughing nervously at my little quip, my hand lost a little purchase, sobering me further.

"So," I said to myself out loud. "What did you do today, John? Oh nothing, I just climbed barefoot down a cliff side without a rope to save some kid from a really shitty death, how about you?" I finally came down next to the little filly.

"Hey sweetheart, what's your name?" I said with a deceptively calm voice and smile.

"Suh-suh-suh-suh-scootaloo...." she stammered, obviously paralyzed with fear.

"Well Suh-suh-suh-suh-suh Scootaloo, I'm John. I'm gonna need you to hold on as good as you can, ok? Applejack is coming here pretty quick with a rope and were gonna be just fine, ok?" She nodded.

"Ok." I said simply. Looking around, I searched for a good place to hold onto for a while if I had to. I ended up finding something better. A strong root, leftover from a tree that was no longer standing was right there in my face. Wrapping one arm through it, I let the rest of me relax, silently thanking the 50 pull ups a day I did for 6 years. I looked back over and noticed Scootaloo slip a little farther.

"Oh sweet Jesus." I said aloud. "Look sweetie, I need you to trust me, ok? You gotta give me your hand- I mean hoof." She looked at me like I should have been institutionalized.

"NO WAY! I'LL FALL!"

"No, sweetie, you're not gonna fall, cause I'm not gonna let go of you, got it?" She still seemed unsure. "Look here," I said, frustrated. "I didn't climb my happy ass down here just so's I couldn't save you from fallin', got it? Now, you be a good little filly and trust me." She looked down and back to me. Shaking with fear, she finally nodded, but started to slip again.

"Ok." I reached out to help her, but in her panic, she didn't just give me her hoof, she unwrapped both legs and lunged for me.

"SHEEIT!!!"

My fingers grabbed onto her little cannon, the part of her leg just below the knee. She screamed in terror as I strained hard to try and pull her up to my chest. She wasn't very big, maybe the size of a large dog, but the filly's sudden jump caught me unaware, making me strain just a little. A couple of rocks came tumbling down from above and hit my shoulders. Looking up, I saw the most beautiful sight of the day; AJ was lowering her rope, looped and ready for us like a sling being lowered by a helicopter.

"GET SCOOTALOO FIRST!" I shouted up. The rope moved a little to the side and went past me.

"Ok sweetie, put your hindquarters through the loop. We're gonna get you out of this yet." She did as she was told and I hollered up for AJ to start pulling. With her midsection safely looped and held tight in the lasso, I let go of her.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU SAVED ME!" She yelled, almost with a hint of denial in her voice. Yeah well, surprise... I'm good for something.

"No problem, sugar. Be careful next time." With her headed to safety, I was able to look away and finally let the confident expression give way to what I was really feeling.

Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck...

I could feel myself slowly slipping from the root. My own weight wasn't a problem, but her weight combined with mine on one arm was. I looked back up and saw her go safely over the edge. Good. Awesome. Good deed for the day done. Now, get me the fuck outta here.

Applejack called down, "JOHN! ROPE'S COMIN' BACK DOWN, HANG ON!" My snide remark slipped before I could contain it.

"Oh no rush, darlin' whenever you're ready... I'm just enjoying some iced tea while my life flashes before my eyes, no big deal!" I reached up with my free hand and grabbed hold of the root in order to help steady myself before the rope got back down. Apparently, it was the wrong move. The root, in the ground for no one knows how long, finally gave way under my weight and pulled free from the ground. The first thing to pop into my head was an old joke.

In 1996, the Department of Motor Vehicles placed black boxes inside several hundred cars across the United States. 98% of the time, before a collision, the driver would say the phrase "HOLY SHIT!" before hitting the other vehicle. The other 2% of cases originated solely in the State of Texas, where instead of cursing, the driver could be heard saying the phrase "Hey, hold my beer and watch this shit."

Why this popped into my head, I will never know. Probably because this idea was fucking stupid to begin with. All I knew was I was feeling relatively the same as I did before I got here. The wind whipping through my hair, the sun at my back, the rainbow shooting past- wait a minute... Rainbow?

Suddenly, I felt a pair of legs snake up under my arms and I decelerated rapidly. See John, that's what a parachute should feel like I thought, silently thanking Rainbow Dash for saving my ass.

"So, I see you finally showed up to save the day, eh?" I said softly looking up at the pegasus.

"Well, I couldn't let you have ALL of the fun!" She laughed back, steadily beating her wings and bringing me back up over the side of the cliff and to safety.