The Standard and Normal Human: Two : Griffon Grumbles

The Standard and Normal Human Two 3 

The zebra with dreads, whom I have now nicknamed ‘Hot rod’ for several reasons, led us to the tribe’s camp, village, thing. Personally I’d call it a camp but the place wasn’t exactly filled with tents and torches, they used nature to make their homes how they wanted. Branches on top of their houses were wrapped up by the thick vines that filled the forest, the houses themselves were giant hollowed out trees. When you looked up into the sky you could see rope bridges, tree houses, heck this place reminded me of Alnwick Gardens.

The other zebras were keeping their distance, Hot Rod clearly wasn’t as concerned with us…

“So…” I began, unsure as how I should proceed, “How long have you lived in this forest Mr… Uh…”

Now before you ask, no, Hot Rod wasn’t his name. The only reason I said that was because it reminded me of American dad, you know, the dude tells him his long confusing name and then Stan says ‘I’ll call you hot-rod!’

This dude zebra, whose name isn’t Hot Rod by the way, stopped are turned to face me. “I can see how confused you are so help you I must” He began to rhyme, “If you wanted my name, then please call me Grosz”

When I heard him say that, my mind was thinking two very important things…

1.           How the heck do these creatures rhyme so darned well, as much as I have to admire them for such quick thinking I have to admit I can’t stand it. It just seems so impractical, I mean these creatures are going to go through life without being able to utter a word about a certain orange coloured fruit. Note, nothing rhymes with orange… No, made up words don’t count…

2.           How in the name of Celestia do you pronounce his name? I mean I know it rhymes with ‘Must’ but heck that’s one heck of an obscure name…

I looked down at the chain around my waist, I was hoping that I could get that removed at some point. But considering that these guys are medicinal creatures I was pretty sure that brute force wasn’t one of their main traits.

We were greeted, I think, by the zebras residing in the tribe. They crowded around us as we were led towards the middle of the camp. Yeah… I’m going to call it a camp I think.

An elder zebra stepped forward, just by looking at his eyes I could see how wise he was. Then he began to say…

Welcome home Grosz the Pathfinder!

And welcome to you too strangers!

You won’t find a camp kinder

More free from danger

So sit, relax and join us for a meal

Then tell us your story, that’s part of the deal

In English he meant this, in exchange for food we’d give them information about ourselves. This encounter was rather informative however as it actually educated me slightly. This elder zebra was using an advanced method of rhyming, the rest were only using the simple and generic two sentence rhymes. You know, like when I first met Grosz. Oh and as for pronunciation of that name it’s, Gr-Ao-St.

So yeah, it turns out that rhyming gets better with age. Just like wine… Well apparently, to be honest I can’t stand the stuff…

I turned around and I could see Daggers eyes light up with wonder, like seeing a child on Christmas morning… It’s a magical moment.

Well until they find out he’s not real, then they go all Darth Vader and start screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- Like at the end of Episode 3…

“This place… It’s beautiful…” She mumbled to herself, turning around slowing in a circle so she could take it all in.

I chuckled and smiled back at the ‘Village’ elder, yes I know I called it a camp but saying camp elder doesn’t sound as good. “We’d be more than happy to share a tale or two, if it’s no trouble for you and your… Um… Followers?”

I wanted to say ‘People’ or ‘Kind’, but I didn’t want to confuse or insult them… Heck I was lucky that they weren’t hostile…

He nodded and then he whistled, several other zebras arrived and stood beside him, with a simple nod the unnerved zebras led us to the camp fire, I think they were a bit unsure as to what we were and what we were capable of. Well maybe not so much Dagger, I mean the Griffons live pretty close to them so if I had to guess they must have had a run in with them in the past. We all took our seats on the floor surrounding the campfire, to my left was Dagger and to my right was Grosz. The fire crackled and burned through the logs that were thrown into it, then something else was added… The Zebra doing this was the elder himself, he threw what appeared to be a small pouch containing a bright florescent powder into the blaze. The fire rose up and started changing colours, first red, then blue, then green, yellow, purple. It would do this and then repeat this cycle, it was pretty cool to witness. But if you had epilepsy issues then this might not be the best thing to see, don’t want you to be on the floor having a fit now do we?

Other zebras appeared and passed us some bowls and a cup, by passed I mean they used their mouths to place them on the floor. C’mon, they don’t have fingers and thumbs after all, something that most creatures in their world, especially Lyra by the way, would appreciate greatly… Apparently… It looked like a ground up but colourful paste…

Unfortunately this reminded me of Ace Ventura, and that’s when I started wondering what it actually was…

In my mind I was repeating the following… ‘It’s not guano, it’s not guano… It- It Can’t be guano… Can it?’ This was bugging me so much that I had to ask someone… Some pony… Wait, some zebra? Actually sod it…

I turned to my right to look at Grosz, I was hoping he would know what it was that I was about to eat. “So… What’s this stuff?” I asked him, praying that it wasn’t Guano…

“It’s a mixture of berries from our home in the forest, it makes a hearty meal, especially for a tourist” Grosz replied, I was still trying to get my head around all of this rhyming nonsense but it didn’t really matter too much.

I looked back down at the bowl and dipped my finger into the paste, upon tasting this mixture of sugary goodness I wished to myself that I had some toast to spread it onto… It was a shame, but I didn’t waste any time… I was starving. At times like this simple eating manners are out of the window, I kind of wish I had waited though. I had finished my meal before anyone else, had even begun theirs… Grosz wasn’t amused…

Oh and yes I’m saying ‘anyone’ and you can’t stop me.

“What are you doing?!” Grosz began to exclaim, “Some haven’t gotten their meals yet, they’re still accruing!”

Now first off, to accrue is to come into possession of something, in this case a bowl of fruit paste. Second, after he told me this I looked up and around the fire. They were looking at me, it was pretty embarrassing.

“OH! Um, I’m really-Really sorry-“I panicked as I began explain myself, but I could hear the elder laughing to himself in the distance. He was sitting on a log next to the center of the fire, he got up and walked around still chuckling to himself.

“Please don’t worry yourself, I didn’t inform you of our pre-meal activities before you received you food” He began to rhyme, or so I thought… “Besides, you are hungry no? So please, dig in and eat your fill…”

… Did you notice it? At all?

He didn’t rhyme… Not one bit.

As I tried to digest what I had just heard one of the zebras was kind enough to give me a refill of fruit paste, now if they could get this inside of a doughnut I would be the happiest man in the world.

I looked to my left and Dagger was digging into her bowl just like me, she raised her claw when she was finished. “Um, may I please have some more?” She asked politely and pleasantly, the zebra’s serving everyone listened and gave her some without hesitation. I wanted to shout at her, ‘More?! You Want Some More!?’ But that reference would have been lost to pretty much everyone… at times like that you realise that being the only human in this kind of world truly sucked… No pop culture references, no human shenanigans... I could have a right laugh with someone in that kind of situation…

The ‘Pre-meal activities’ that the elder had told us about had just begun, one of the younger zebras walked into the middle of the circle, well kind of. Right, let me be clear, all of the zebras, and us, were sitting in a circle around a fire. Now the fire itself was also a circle shape, there was also a gap in the middle for something or someone to stand and address those around them.

Anyway, this young zebra walked into the center carrying a piece of paper. Placing it on the ground they then placed one hoof on top to keep it still, I didn’t have a clue what it was until she started talking… Oh and have a guess who the story was about…

“And now I shall tell you a tale from today, a strange lanky creature was walking astray. But from the shadows the wolves had surrounded their prey, now this strange creature wished he was very far away. Using his wits, his head and the bag on his back, he managed to trick the wolves to seize their attack. With a strange little stick which made not a single sound, he caused the wolves to flinch and turn back around. But Scar of the wolves wasn’t as dumb as the rest, he blocked up his ears so he could catch up to him his best. Just as he had caught back up to his strange lanky prey, now he was wishing that ‘He’ was far far away. From the shadows emerged a large and terrifying beast, but it was all just a ploy, please… Enjoy your feast!”

I looked at dagger after the tale had been told, I think I was surprised that it was about me and not Dagger but that wasn’t the main question I had. If someone had seen everything up to that point, why didn’t they help us? This, of course, can be answered as such. The wolf pack was huge, it would have been too risky to try and assist us, but to make a poem out of it instead? Really?! As everyone had begun to eat their food I was completely speechless at what was going through my head… I was not happy…

“That child read that exceptionally well…” Dagger casually told me, I was still in ‘Did That Just Happen?!’ mode so I wasn’t really thinking straight.

“… Did you just say that? Seriously?!” I whispered in a slightly agitated way, I wasn’t very happy regardless of my own common sense. “We were chased through a forest by wolves and this is how-“

“Shut up and listen” She replied sharply, I didn’t say anything. “Look, they are being kind enough to give us food and a meal, just forget about what has just happened Eat your fruit paste”

I didn’t reply with words, I did what children do, back chat. It wasn’t so much chat as it was a noise. To describe in words would be difficult… But I’ll try… ‘Muh Muh Muh Muh MUH Muh Muh…’

“What was that?” Dagger swiftly responded, I don’t think she liked backchat.

“Nothing Mum…” I remarked, I’m not a hateful creature but by god was I irritated, Dissy (Discord) was going down for doing this to me… Big Time… It wasn’t long before I calmed down, in fact it was the simple voice of the same zebra child that had just read out the story which made me forget why I was so annoyed in the first place.

“I- I hope that you both enjoyed the story, the writer has left this tribe to find his own G-Glory” The young zebra informed me, that the sentence was a longshot at rhyming that it was quite adorable.

“Oh… Well… It was well read out, especially with everyone watching you” I replied, I thought back to my own past in comparison. You see when I was in primary school, or elementary school for you American’s, I had to read something out loud in front of the whole school, I knew the words I was supposed to read out in my head… But as soon as I was supposed to say the words out loud my mind went blank and I panicked.

Before you say to me, Nick, how on earth is this related to what we are reading right now? My answer? Meh… I dunno… I joke of course. I was just surprised how well she read what she did at such a young age, no hesitation in her voice and no panicking like I did back in my childhood days. I wasn’t just impressed, I was jealous.

I patted her on the head, she didn’t flinch which was a good thing. “You did good kid, heck I wouldn’t have been able to do that at your age…”

“Oh, thank you strange creature” She said out loud, loud enough so that the elder could join our conversation after him eavesdropping on us since we had arrived.

“A strange creature he may be, but what should this Idle Tribe call thee?” The elder spoke aloud, everyone else around us suddenly became silent.

“Well the names Nicholas, but you can just call me Nick” I replied happily, “So… Who wrote that story?”

“Ah yes, a young and talented zebra who has been writing for this tribe since he was a young foal” The Elder explained, “It’s become accustom to read out one of his stories before we eat, the zebras name is Inert Scribe, he recently left the tribe on a journey of self-discovery…”

“Well perhaps I’ll see him around at some point” I added, I mean it wasn’t like it was impossible for it to happen. “Me and my griffon friend here are trying to get to Equestria…”

“Equestria?” The elder questioned, “That’s quite the trip for a Griffon to make, why are you making such a long trip?”

“Well…” Dagger began, scratching the back of her head with her claw, “It’s kind of a long story…”

She went on to tell the Elder and his tribe what was going on, how I said that Discord brought me there against my will and that I needed to get to Equestria to prove who I was.

At which point I butted in and explained that I’ve been to Equestria before, I told them how I travelled with a certain show pony and how the ponies ran away screaming when the saw me.

Then Dagger butted in, how rude. She then went on to explain that she was to be the eventual Queen of the Griffon Empire, I was quite surprised that she even told them that but it’s not they were enemies or anything like that. Dagger explained her cravings for exploration and discovery, how was had been kept in that castle for most of her life… It sounded pretty depressing, no wonder she took such a big risk. She explained the escape plan and the deal we both had with each other, I knew Equestria but she didn’t. I needed to get there but was unable due to chains and the like. She explained the escape plan, the fall that injured both of us, the guards pursuing us and of course Yogi Bear and his/her cubs in the cave…

“And… Well you know the rest, we was chased by a pack of wolves… That’s when you saved us” Dagger explained, she then bowed and lowered her head. “Thank you all for everything you have done so far…”

Well she definitely wasn’t a ‘Gilda’ that was for sure, consider my mind blown at this point folks. She can be bossy, irritating and downright desperate, but when it comes down to it her heart is in the right place.

The zebras all listened to her speak, this was part of the deal of course… Information for food. The elder gave a quick nod to two of his people and they ran off into one of the hollowed out Tree-Houses.

“Then you are both still injured, please come this way and we can begin to heal you immediately” The Elder told us, next thing we know we’re both being dragged and led towards one of their houses. As we entered we soon realised that this wasn’t a house, this was an infirmary…

Picture this, quite a large circular room with shelves going all the way around on the walls, on these shelves were a vast variety of flora and plants contained in jars. It appeared that they wasn’t just a randomly assorted either, they were all categorised by purpose and use.

“Prepare the rejuvenating bath for the princess and a healing wrap for the young human” The Elder asked the doctor stylized zebra, well it wasn’t really a doctor but heck they was as experienced as one so what’s the difference? Simple, they didn’t have a degree, just like Dr. Zed from Borderlands he didn’t have a licence… Pff, liked it mattered anyway right?

As we was separated and led away from each other into our own rooms, for whatever reason, the Pokémon center music was playing in my head. I do miss that song, but my sadness didn’t last for long. In this smaller room, which I learned was actually underground, was actually rather cosy. It had a bed, a vast variety of jars around the room like the entrance, but this time it wasn’t the raw materials to make the medicine, it was all pre-prepared.  On the jars it explained what use they were for, like cuts, scrapes, or to disinfect a wound.

“Please take a seat and let me take a look at that wound” The zebra began, I lifted my arm and it took a quick look nodding as it did it. “Ah I see, let me fix this so that your journey can be resumed”

“Thanks, don’t suppose you’ve got something to get this chain off me have you?” I asked with little hope, I mean it couldn’t hurt to ask right? I thought they might have had some acid or something volatile to melt through it, heck they have a mass variety of things that could have done that… Or at least that what I thought.

The Doc took a quick look at it, then began to rhyme again. “Hmm, to break the chain of metal around you, there is really only one thing that you can do…”

“Really? Well I’m open to suggestions, I’m all ears” I replied happily, this was at least something to look forward to. It weighed a ton and was completely impractical to wear, I looked as if I had escaped form a zoo…

“Deep to the north the wastelands await, perhaps the creatures there will set you straight” Doctor Do a lot informed me, I laughed to myself because I knew who I’d find there.

“Ok then, at least I can pay a visit to a friend of mine…” I chuckled, I kind of missed Curt. He wasn’t what I expected to find in their world at all and yet I grew to like him, plus I had a few shenanigans planned for him.

Whilst we was talking the Doctor was preparing a paste of some kind and a bandage made out of finely cut and partially dried vines, eventually she held out her hoof to grab my arm, no fingers so good luck with that, so I held out my arm and waited for whatever it was the Doc was giving me.

“Ok, hold still. Be brave, use your will” The Doc advised me, using a leaf she carefully placed the greenish paste over the wound, after that she placed the bandage.

But her comment left me slightly confused, “Um… Why would I need to be brave? Or show my will?” I asked with caution, unfortunately my eyesight was getting rather blurry.

“Now, sleep, rest for the night. By the break of Dawn, you shall feel alright…” The Voodoo Doctor explained as she suddenly started becoming different colours and began to spin around in circles…

… Ok maybe that didn’t happen but heck I was tripping out big style, I understand how alchemy works and all but what the heck did Doctor Nick give me?! It didn’t matter much, I was still tired from running through the forest so I fell asleep on the bed I was sitting on… It was the best sleep that I had ever had…No joke, 10 xs better than any king/queen sized bed. That right there was pure sleepy bliss…

I eventually woke up and gave out a loud yawn, I fell like a million pounds. Nope, not Dollars, I’m English :P

However for the sake of equality I’ll use the currency Bits, why?  … Well, why not?

“Ah good morning human” The Elder said casually, I leaned up from the bed and just stared at him. Surely the only way to talk to me as soon as I woke up would be to be in the room as I slept, which meant he was watching me while I slept… Creepy…

“Um, good morning to you too” I replied half-heartedly, I wasn’t sure what to think. “So… Have you been watching me sleep? If so then that’d be rather weird…”

He laughed and patted me on the back with his hoof, Note:- You ‘Can’t’ pat someone softly with hooves. “Well it’s good to see your humour hasn’t been effected, how’s the arm?”

“Huh? My arm?” I replied, looking down at where the wound was I was shocked to see it had gone, it had literally vanished. The bandage was gone and the wound had healed up completely, no pain, no aches, nothing. “Wow, that stuff did the trick… Wait, how long have I been asleep?”

“Hmm, let me think…” He began to ponder out loud, scratching his chin as he did it. “Well its morning now, Dawn in fact”

“I see… Oh and I’ve got a question for you” I started, I wiped my face to wake myself up good and proper. I wanted a straight answer, “The zebras of this tribe all talk in rhymes, you do but there have been times, like now, where you haven rhymed at all…”

“And the question is why correct?” He started, I nodded and then he continued. “Not every zebra is the same… The one I raised was one very different from everyone else here, he couldn’t rhyme unless he took the time to write it down first. Like that story yesterday, while raising him I realised that perhaps speaking as we do can be rather difficult for those not from the tribe originally. So I started talking like this because of that, I have to admit that it’s a lot easier than rhyming all the time”

“No kidding, I’m pretty impressed with how well and fast you guys can respond” I told him, I jumped out of the bed and stretched my legs and arms. Then I remembered that I wasn’t the only one getting treated at this place, “Oh, how’s Dagger? Is she alright?”

“See for yourself” The Elder said, slowly pointing his hoof towards the door.

I made my way out of the building to find Dagger flying around the camp, inspecting everything she saw that interested her.

“Well it’s good to see you’re feeling better!” I shouted up to her, she heard me and made her way down to me. This in turn made me fall back onto my posterior as she proceeded to land right in front of me, quite literally In fact.

“Oops, sorry” Dagger chuckled happily, she looked as fit as a fiddle. “I can’t believe how fast they fixed my wing, I feel as good as new!”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t use it too much though if I were you, I mean we are being tracked down, you’ll get spotted otherwise” I added, the last thing I wanted was to be chased so early I the morning…

Unfortunate this was never meant to be…

“Elder Elder!” A young zebra filly shouted as they ran towards their leader, “There are Griffon Guards heading this way! The strangers need to escape, they must get away!”

“Quickly, with haste, follow me” The Elder barked at us, then he turned to one of his people. “Grosz, please prepare a bag containing everything they will need to get through the wasteland desert- And do so swiftly!”

Grosz nodded and dashed past us without hesitation as the Elder led us out of the village. We didn’t question or ask any questions, we just acted. Eventually we came to a river heading downhill, in the distance was the desert we were heading for. On the river bed was a raft, it wasn’t the sturdiest piece of kit but if it floated then that was all that mattered. Grosz had returned almost immediately and gave the bag to me, he seemed extremely focused on his own duties.

“Ok, listen very carefully. This will take you as far as the wastes but please be careful, the longer you stay on the river the wilder and more dangerous it will become. ..” His voice was a lot more different than before, it was cautions and concerned. What was once the cool headed and kind leader was now a worried creature trying his best to help strangers, I didn’t know what to say… “Oh and before you ask we’ll be fine, they know we’re not a danger and that we’d never do anything to aggravate them”

The next motion was a swift and unexpected one, the very second we got onto the raft he unlatched the rope keeping it there and kicked it into the current. This caused both me and Dagger to fall to our feet and hold on as best we could…

We didn’t get a chance to say anything, it all happened so fast. The only noise we made was a scream of terror as we plummeted downstream, picking up speed rapidly.

We both knew one thing for definite, this was going to be one heck of a ride…