The Standard and Normal Human: Two : Griffon Grumbles

The Standard and Normal Human Two4

Let me just say this, plummeting down a sloped river on a flimsy wooden raft is not what I’d call a fun day out. It is in fact the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me… Ever! We didn’t have any control of the raft so me and Dagger were cascading down with nothing to stop us, it wasn’t a sheer drop but it did feel like a log flume ride at a theme park. With no control over how fast we went or the direction that we were going it wasn’t looking good. I did wonder why Dagger didn’t just use her wings and fly away but I figured that one out pretty fast, if she left there would be no way she could take me with her. This sounds like an act of kindness but don’t forget that she had never been to Equestria in person before, so sticking with me would help her in the long run.

“Any Ideas Nick?!” Dagger shouted to me, I didn’t know what to say… I was too busy screaming… “Hey! Can you shut up for a second?!”

“I Hate Rides!” I shouted back, I can’t stand theme parks.

Whenever I was dragged to one I’d head straight for the arcade, unfortunately however they would usually have really bad games, I remember back when I was a kid I had to pay for a ticket to get into a theme park because the rest of my family wanted to go. That whole day I just walked around aimlessly, I think the only thing I went on was the cable car thing… I can’t remember the exact name for it…

It was the worst day ever… Some might say that it’s because rollercoasters scare me and heck they might even be right, nothing really interests me in those kinds of places and because I can’t stand those kinds of rides that means there is nothing else for me to do there.

“This isn’t a ride!” She bellowed back to me, the stream was pretty loud so it was extremely necessary to shout at me. “Think of something useful!”

“Gah! Just- Give me a minute!” I barked back at her, then I started looking around for something to use.

Of course I found nothing, I mean jumping off would have been extremely dangerous as:

A.          We could have fallen into the river and would probably have drowned.

B.          Jumping off at the speed we were going could have caused us serious injury.

So getting off the raft whilst it was moving was a big no-no, I did however see something other than myself on the raft that I could use to slow us down… A pair of Wings…

“What are you looking at?!” Dagger shouted to me, unsure as to what I was staring with so much attention.

“A pair of Brakes!” I yelled back, “… Dagger, stand in the middle of the raft!”

“What?! How will that help!?” She questioned loudly, clearly not understanding what I was thinking.

“Just trust me will you!” I barked back at her, she got into position and waited for further instruction. “Ok, now dig your claws into the raft and hold on…”

Dagger listened to what I said and dug in deep, the next part of the plan was simple. Now that she was part of the raft she needed some support so that she wouldn’t fall backwards, that’s where I came in. I stood behind her and supported her back with mine, this would keep her upright whilst she- … Wait, I didn’t explain what I was thinking now did I?

Ok, think of it like this, have you seen those jet propelled cars that shoot down a runway trying to break some kind of record? Right and what happened at the end when it attempts to slow down?

It releases a parachute…

I was planning to use the air resistance from Daggers wings to slow and even steer the raft to safety, there wasn’t exactly anywhere to steer it but it was better than hanging on for dear life as it bumped into everything.

“Hey, what are you doing?!” She yelled at me as I pushed my back against hers.

“Spread your wings!” I yelled back at her, the second she did it I could feel us slowing down… Mainly in my back... “Good Lord This Hurts!”

“Whoa! I think I’m steering this thing!” She pointed out, we didn’t have to shout as much now luckily, my throat was killing me by this point.

“Yeah, that was the plan!” I replied, and then I informed her of how it worked. “Ok, here’s the deal, by lowering your wings individually you can steer us on a safer path than the one we were on… I’m getting pretty tired of being thrown around”

“But which wing steers in which direction?” She asked me, thinking that I had thought about it in that much detail… Clearly she didn’t understand me…

“Heck if I know, just mess around and practice…” Yep, that’s what I said.

“Really?!” Dagger sounded pretty shocked, I think she thought I was joking at first. “But what If I crash this thing?-”

I interrupted her, I knew she was worried about messing up so I needed to her to- “Shut up, chill out and focus. I trust you stupid… Duh… Now steer us to safety ok?” Thinking back this probably wasn’t the best thing to say to a princess but at the time I wasn’t thinking about how I should ‘Talk to royalty’ I was more concerned with making it out of there in one piece.

It took her about 10 minutes to finally master how to steer the raft and avoid the sides of the river bank, I was glad because by that time I was getting just a tad seasick. As time went on however the river was getting narrower and narrower, soon we was out of the forest and in the desert wasteland. About an hour later of riding the river had finally levelled out and we were home free, me and my stomach were feeling a lot better at this point.

“Ugh, thank the lord…” I uttered out loud without thinking, now I was lying on the ground. Dagger didn’t need my help to stay upright anymore so she took the helm… Well not for long anyway…

“Which lord are you thanking?” Dagger turned to me and asked, thinking that I was genuinely praising a higher being for my safety.

“Wha- Oh, no… It’s just a human thing to say, I’m not thanking any lord” I answered her, but it wasn’t a good enough answer…

…This topic would soon derail…

“Then why did you thank the lord?”

Human terms and otherworldly creatures don’t mix…

“I was just glad that we were ok”

…Learn from my mistakes my children…

“But you thanked a lord for your safety!”

…Don’t say things that they won’t understand…

“I was just saying it out of relief… Like if you were to say ‘Thank the emperor’ or something like that”

…Like… Ever!

“Why would I thank my dad?!”

Why was I stuck with another troubled child their world?

“Ok, maybe not the emperor then… What about, ‘Thank the Empire!’ You’ve said that before”

True Story…

“Oh…  I have?”

And then things went back to normal…

“Yes… Yes you have…” I replied and sighed with relief, that whole topic was finally over and done with.

She was about to answer me back with something childish and witty, but neither of us were paying attention to the course the raft was on. The river was too narrow for the raft and all of a sudden it stopped in its tracks. This sudden stop caused me and Dagger to bump heads and fall backwards in different directions… I pretty much got pecked in the face…

“Gah! What the heck- Do you sharpen that thing or what?!” I whimpered angrily, her beak hit my chin and left a small hole.

“Arg, why do you have to have such a heavy head?!” She answered back, that was the best thing she could come up with.

We both struggled back onto our feet and had a quick look around before getting off of the raft, we was in a desert wasteland, scarce of even the simplest of life forms. As we scanned the area we noticed several things, far into the distance there was what appeared to be a volcano hiding within what looked like a canyon, just past that was a small town. Last but not least was a place that looked all too familiar, Trottingham. Somewhere before all of this however was Curt’s camp, we just needed to find it…

“Huh… Now isn’t that a sight for sore eyes…” I said casually, the last time I was there I was put in a cage and treated like an animal… By a pony no less…

“What? What do you mean?” Dagger questioned, “Have you been there before?”

“Yeah… But it’s too far away to get to for now” I stated, it was still morning but it would take a day to get there if we walked non-stop. Oh and here’s a piece of trivia for you guys, where is the coldest place on earth during night time?

Bingo! In a desert… 10 points to Hufflepuff! … What? The sorting hat put me with them… I’ll be in the corner if you need me… Alone… *sob*

“So what do we do now then?” Dagger asked me, confused as to what the plan was.

I clambered off of the raft and then turned to face Dagger, and then I said plainly “Well… We start walking…”

“Ah, we head straight for that city right?” She asked, thinking that it would be nice and easy to get there.

“No actually” I informed her, she didn’t look very pleased with me. “We need to find or make a camp first…”

“What? But that would waste time!” Dagger snapped at me, she didn’t want to waste time.

“Wrong, it would keep us alive. Deserts are the coldest places to be in during the night… If we continued to walk we would most likely freeze”

This kept her quiet, and then we continued our journey.

We followed the narrow river as we walked for an extended period of time, seriously, how am I supposed to make this sound interesting? There weren’t any hungry vultures circling ahead, any mirages or oasis to explore. Nothing, nada, ‘bubcus’ …I wasn’t just following the river because I didn’t know where to go, no… I had a plan.

You see for Curt’s tribe to survive in this place they’d need a source of water and food, they had a river that contained fish not far from them. This killed two birds with one stone so surely they wouldn’t be too far away, need a better reason to believe me? Ok, how about this…

Cats love fish.

After around an hour of walking in the heat I was exhausted, I had already removed my upper clothing as I was sweating for king and country. As for Dagger, she wasn’t having that problem. She was using her own wings as shade, never even asked if I was ok. Every 5 minutes I’d carefully lean over the river we was walking beside and dipped my cupped together hands into the water to get a drink, this was the worst field trip that I had ever been on.

Eventually the sand vanished  and the wastes became flat and dull, it was a nice change to see some plant life scattered around, it was becoming a very dull journey. I didn’t even have my mp3 player with me…

However during this time I was learning something about a royal Griffons taboo …

“Really? I would have never had guessed it…” I replied in surprise, oh I do like to learn…

“Well yeah, us royals aren’t supposed to though… But to every-Griffon else it’s pretty normal…” Dagger explained, don’t you just wish you knew what we was talking about?

“But… Do you do it in secret? I mean surely if it’s that good you’d find a way to do it without anyone- er… Any Griffon knowing?” I asked… It might look like I was referring to something else there but no, it was definitely ‘Not’ that.

“It’s not just Griffons that we have to be mindful of, we do get royal visitors every once in a while… If we’re seen doing it then we’ll look, it’s all about the royal image… I couldn’t care less about that to be honest…” In the world they’re from there’s a bunch of creatures most humans who have only seen the show don’t even know exist, for example… “I believe that my father invited the Serpent King from Atlantria about a month ago, now that was an extremely dull royal visit… The conversations between the two of them were so boring…”

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“All they talk about is eating fish…” Dagger replied whilst rolling her eyes.

“I see… So… Do you do it when they’re not looking?”

“It would be difficult, besides…” Dagger started to say, she stopped in place and started digging the dirt with her claws. Eventually however she found what she was digging for, and picked out the biggest worm I had ever seen. “… The best ones are deeper in the ground” She then took that worm and devoured it in one gulp… I nearly gipped.

“OK… That was disgusting…” I responded, I really wished I didn’t watch as she did that…

“Pff, Like I care about my ‘Royal Image’… I’m free for now so I can do what I want without the prying eyes of my father’s subjects…”

 “In other words ‘Eat Worms’… Just-uh, don’t do that in front of me ok?”

“Are you going to make me?”

“God lord you’re stubborn-“I had begun to say, but something beneath me was missing. I thought I was walking on some leaves that were scattered around but as my foot landed on top of them I just kind of fell… It was a pitfall trap, kind of reminded me of Team Rocket and one of their extremely poor traps… Either that or monster hunter, it was quite a deep hole.

“Uh… Are you ok?” Dagger asked me, she was concerned but not that much.

“Ugh… Peachy keen…” I replied, using yet another human term.

I went and did it again…

“What does that even mean?”

… And then I made it worse

“That’s a good question, when I get back to my world I’ll make sure to Google it…

“Google- Stop using all of these human expressions!” Dagger yelled at me, quickly becoming fed up of not understanding what I was saying.

“Only if you get me out of here!” I yelled back, she got me out safely… But It wasn’t going to stop me acting like a human…

The next couple of hours passed by rather quickly, I mean it would do if you were falling into every trap possible. I mean c’mon, I thought these were lions after all not echidna’s… Red echidna’s… With big knuckle- Actually forget it…

The list of traps and whoever fell for them are as follows:-

1.       Pitfall trap (Me)

2.       Another Pitfall trap (Me)

3.       Snare trap (Me)

4.       Yet another pitfall trap (me)

5.       Snare Face plant of doom (Oh Look! It was me…)

Dagger was being sincere (by this I mean she was laughing at me) every time I fell for one of the traps, such a cruel princess…

The last trap I remember however was the fifth one, it was the worst of the bunch. As me and Dagger walked onwards, or in my case ‘limped’, my foot decided to slip into a crack in the ground. Now at first I thought ‘Well I’ll just yank it out’, this line of thinking however was the worst thing I had come up with all day. As I did I was snared by a rope, it was hidden under the ground and broke free from the dirt as it started dragging me with it.

“Are you ok?” I think Dagger shouted in the distance…

It suddenly stopped and I followed a semicircle style of movement, I went from being on my back, to mind air and then finally flat on my face…

It knocked me clean out… When I finally awoke the situation began to heat up…

Literally…