Chapter 1: Eggs, Bacon, and Trixie

“I’m leaving honey.”

        “Alright Mom.”  I said in a droning voice.  It was 7am, and normally I’d be going to sleep about now, but my Mom was leaving to go meet my Dad at some homecoming bullshit.  And she couldn’t just call me on the phone for some reason.  She also couldn’t have just left with him because her work wouldn’t allow her the time off until now for some reason, and why she was leaving so fucking early was beyond me.  But whatever, no one will be forcing me awake at 3 pm today at least.

        “I left you food money, but don’t go out to eat every meal.  Try to make yourself something.”  She instructed.

        “Do you really want to risk me burning the house down?”  I asked.

        She thought about it for a moment, reached into her purse, and left an extra 20.  “On second thought, maybe a few days of fast food won’t hurt you.”  She said with a smile.  She hugged me and then got into the car and drove away.

        Well it’s 7am, and I have been left with around $50 worth of food money.  Well I haven’t had a good Breakfast in a while, might as well go to IHOP before I pass out.

        I got into my car and drove to the nearby IHOP.  Traffic at 7am on a Saturday wasn’t as mind numbing as it is on weekdays, but I still hated dealing with peoples lack of driving knowledge.  I pulled into the busy IHOP and found a parking spot fairly close to the entrance.

        “Jesus, it’s fucking filled up here.”  I thought to myself.  I walked into the restaurant and got seated fairly quick.  The Asian Waitress handed me the menu and I eyed it over.  I wasn’t too hungry, and all the options seemed like way too much food.  Three eggs, two bacon strips, two sausages, and four pancakes?  That seems like something for an actual person who works, not someone who sits around all day doing nothing.  Ah ha!  Two eggs, two sausages, and two pancakes.  That’s more like it.  When the waitress came back with the orange juice I placed my order.

        I glanced around at all the new faces.  I didn’t get out much anymore.  Only a few times with friends, who were all mostly in college.  Although I never felt lonely per say, I still felt the lack of human contact people desire... well mostly sex.

        My meal arrived about twenty minutes later and I ate it at a fast pace as I normally did with all my meals.  After a few minutes there was only half an egg left on my plate.  I got the check and paid with the money my Mother left me.  I left a small tip, and drove back home.  The whole ordeal took less than forty minutes, but it seemed to have went by faster than that.

        As I entered my house the first thing I did seeing as I just got back from eating at IHOP was going to the bathroom.  After that was taken care of I quickly undressed, and crawled into bed.  Sleep was quick, and so were the dreams.  Dreams of... well I’d rather not say.

        *BOOM*  *CRASH*  *SIMILAR NOISES OF ACTION*

        “Okay, what the fuck was that?”  I asked myself quickly waking from my slumber.  I quickly gathered clothes out of my closet, dressed, and grabbed a baseball bat.  I walked out of my room and stood in the middle of the hallway.  I assume the noise came from the basement, but you can never be too sure.  I walked with as much grace as I could, trying to be as silent as possible.  But being a groggy teenager with a fast food addiction... well you can put it together.

        After doing a “Sweep” if that’s what you call me walking through my small living room with a bat.  I took to the even smaller kitchen.  I made my way around the corner that led to the basement.  I could hear noises of someone trying to walk up the stairs.  I quickly hide in the small space by the stairs that housed the washing, and drying machine.  I had the bat raised and I was prepared to strike.  But what I saw made me almost drop the bat all together.  Is that? Could it be?  ...What?

        What stood in front of me was a girl.  No, more like a women.  A womanly girl?  I don’t know.  She stood at about 5’6.  Her hair was of an ethereal white color.  She had a slim figure for the most part.  Except the waist from what I could see.  Her hourglass figure put me in a trance.  Oh did I mention?  She didn’t have any clothes on.

        Then it happened, the fucking bat fell.  Making a loud clanging sound as the wood fell onto the tile.  She quickly turned around.  Revealing to me that not only was she curvy in the back, but curvy in the front as well if you get what I mean.  That’s when it happened.  Something most men dread when they meet with a women.  The worst thing imaginable.  She talked.

        “Who dares sneak up behind The Great and Powerful Trixie?!”  She demanded.

        “Um...  I... The who?”  I asked confused and slightly aroused.

        “I The Great and Powerful Trixie!  I have conquered all the worlds great beasts with my magic.  I have stomped all over my enemies.  And The Great and Powerful Trixie...is a little cold.”  She finally ended.

        “Well that tends to happen when you...”  I was about to finish

“You may call me The Great and Powerful Trixie!”  She demanded.

        “... Um, I mean...  That tends to happen when The Great and Powerful Trixie isn’t wearing any clothes.”  I said.

        “My old clothes no longer fit my form.  It seems The Great and Powerful Trixie has ascended!”  She said.

        Oh great.  Out of all the hot chicks that could be butt ass naked in my house, I had to get a fucking crackhead.  What the fuck do I do?  I can’t kick her out.  Well I could, but that wouldn’t be very nice.  Something tells me The Great and Powerful Trixie wouldn’t take kindly to being shoved out into the great and powerful winter.  Huh... So what the fuck do I do?

        “Who are you?”  She asked.  “And how do you have clothes that fit you?  When does The Great and Powerful Trixie get clothes that fit her?  Are you here to show me what feats I need to conquer in this world?  Or am I a Goddess here?”  Holy fuck she talks a lot.

        “Um, I got my clothes at a store... and to your last two questions... No?”  I finished.  I never was too good at talking to girls.  And I’m definitely not good at talking too drugged up naked ones.

        “No?  You mean to tell me The Great and Powerful Trixie is not a Goddess here?”  She asked.  “Then why am I hear?”  She asked, sounding less high and mighty, and more like a girl whose dreams had just been crushed.

        Well now I can’t kick her out even if I wanted to.  She seemed to have hit my soft spot.  She was a girl in distress.  And I can never turn down a girl in distress.  She was now sitting on the cold tile floor, with her hands over her head.  She sounded like she was... crying?  I’ve only known her for a few minutes, but she doesn’t seem like the one to cry.

        I didn’t really know what to do.  Do I go over and comfort her?  Or do I stand awkwardly and stare at her body.  Her naked body.  Her.. Okay shut the fuck up penis.

        “Can you at least... get me back to Ponyville?”  The Great and Powerful Trixie asked.

        She didn’t use her full... name?  Someone whose name has the words great and powerful in it sounds pretty full of themselves, or her parents named her that.  I think I’m going to go with the first one.  It almost sounds like a stage name come to think of it.  More importantly, Ponyville?  Sounds like something those crazed Pony lovers talk about on the internet.  Well she sure as hell doesn’t seem like a brony, or whatever they’re called.  Well I better answer truthfully.

        “No, I can’t.  In fact, I have no idea where that is.  I’m pretty sure there isn’t a place on this planet called Ponyville.”  I said.

        She seemed upset.  Very upset.  “Well not that it would matter if you did.  I’m not wanted there.  In fact, the only reason I want, NEED to go there is to show those ponies who is great and powerful.”

        “Great and powerful in what sense?”  I asked.  She couldn’t be talking about...

        “Well magical of course.”  She said.  Well shit... she is crazy

        “Are you a magician?”  I asked.  That could explain the ridiculous name.

        “A magician?”  She scoffed.  “I am certainly no magician.  The Great and Powerful Trixie will show you her powers!”

        This should be interesting.

        She sat there concentrating.  And then she stood up.  I really need to get her some clothes.  I think I’m going to pass out due to blood loss.  But it couldn’t hurt to keep her nude for a little longer.

        She then felt at her forehead.  Her eyes went wide, and she screamed.

        “MY HORN!  WHERE IS MY HORN?!”  She scream.

        “Um, humans don’t have horns.”  I said.

        “Then how do you do magic?!”  She questioned.

        “We don’t.  Magic isn’t real.”  I said.

        “Oh my Celestia.  Where am I then?  I thought I had transcended into the plain of pure magic.  I had heard of people becoming pure forms of magic.  I figured this was the form.  Oh, what am I going to do?”

        She was crying again.  Even louder than last time.  I looked at the clock.  10:30 in the morning.  Well I guess first things first.

        “Hey.”  I spoke up.  I went to her spot on the ground where she was very close to balling up in the fetal position.  “Here, come with me.”  I said, reaching out a hand.  She took it, with fear in her eyes.  I guess whatever drugs she is on, must of really fucked up her.  Odd thing is her hands didn’t feel clammy, or even hot.  She can’t truly think that she is a powerful wizard from some far away world can she?  Well, I guess people have believed crazier things.  I mean look at Justin Bieber fans.

        “Where are you taking The Great and Powerful Trixie?”  She asked.  Her arrogance returning.

        “Well, The Great and Powerful Trixie can’t be all powerful naked right?”  I asked.

        “I guess you have a point.”  She said.  “The Great and Powerful Trixie demands your name.”  She asked, but her voice didn’t sound as powerful and demanding as she was trying to let on.

        “It’s Matt, and from the looks of your position, you aren’t so great and powerful right now.”  I ended.  I feel like if she had been in any other position she would of destroyed me, but I think she was finally understanding the severity of the situation.  As I entered my room, I led her to my closet, and allowed her to look through all the clothes.  Then the greatest thing in the world happened.

        “Can you um... do something for me?”  She asked.

        “What?  What do you need?”  I asked.

        “I can't seem to get theses closes on, The Great and Powerful Trixie is demanding you assist her in her time of need.”  She said.

        Well fuck me.  Today might have went from crazy, to just plain awesome.