The Black Knight in Equestria

Once upon a time, in the magical land of England...

“COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD! I’LL TEACH YOU TO SQUAWK AT ME!”

Unfortunately, even the black knight was no match for a duck with an urge to get away from the brave and gallant warrior. The perturbed bird took flight as the Black Knight swatted it away from his helmet.

Whilst the good sir knight was otherwise occupied, the clouds were rent asunder by a shining presence, and a bright white beard swam into view. It was amazingly bright, and the knight fell to his knees. Shielding his eyes, he cowered.

“Oh, hello God. It’s been a while. Didn’t expect to see you there. What can I do for your most holy holiness?”

“Don’t give me that. I’m GOD, I’m everywhere. And stop cowering!”

“THE BLACK KNIGHT NEVER COWERS! I mean, except before you, sire.”

“Your impunity is noted, Sir Knight. Anyway. I’ve grown weary of your quest to fight every living thing on the planet. We stopped that shit eleven centuries ago, after my son got nailed to a cross for trying to be nice to people for a change! On that note, what is WRONG with you people? I send you a healer, a teacher, a scholar, and that’s the thanks I get? I should really just exterminate the lot of you. Again. So! I’m sending you off to another land, under the jurisdiction of other gods, to let them deal with you. If you dare to d-”

Suddenly a knight in shining armour and a great hurry skipped up, a servant frantically clopping behind him, slamming two halves of a coconut together.

“Get on with it!” hollered the knight, before veering off to the side and over the hills and dales towards a castle.

“I’LL GET ON WITH IT WHEN I’M READY TO GET ON WITH IT! Don’t try to tell God what to do! I swear to me, I will strike you down! Now, where was I...”

A sudden lightning bolt struck down as the knight hit the top of the hill, incinerating both he and his servant.

“No respect these days,” God grunted crossly. “And as for you, take thy steely hard rageboner and sod off to the land of harmony, where thee shall learn some respect!”

The Black Knight looked up in shock at His Holy Assholeness. “Wait, what?”
“Did you not hear me the first time, whelp? Your rage is boring to me! Now bugger off, and try not to perform any more bloodbath bukkakes! And ask the big white one if she remembers that weekend in Tartarus, the saucy minx.” And with that, His Grace snatched up the Black Knight in His Holy Hands, and flung the hapless knight through the sky.

The Knight flew through the sky, stars beginning to whiz past him. Just up ahead, he noted a large, swirling vortex of colors that looked like it might be the opposite of a good time. He barely had time to duck his head before entering it, his eyes trying to stay open to meet his fate as a Knight would.

He could feel the eternal wellspring of bile and anger coursing through him once more, as colours slowly began to get more intense, reaching a brightness that almost hurt. Instinctively, he reached for his sword, only to find his trusted ally completely clean of all rust, and sparkling like one of those damn lakes the round table are always going on about. He barely had time to ponder this amazing cleanliness before he spied the end of the vortex, the brightness growing with each passing second.

Suddenly, he beheld a great portal before him, shimmering with all the colors of the rainbow. As well as a sort of greenish-purple-yellow color he couldn’t recognise. Right! I’ve just about had it with this crap! Have at you, strange colour! He pulled out his sword, pointing it directly at the center of the brightly colored vortex as he flew towards the opening.

“YAAAAAAA-” The noble’s charge was rudely interrupted by a brick wall. The hilt of his sword rammed back into his stomach, while his helmet made abrupt contact with the wall just above it. Amazingly unhurt, he leapt to his feet, slashing wildly with his sword. “I’m blind! Dear God, I’m blind! What awful things hath this damned vortex wrought?”

As the figure swathed in black impotently flailed his sword, there were a number of bemused observers. Two pegasi fluttered down beside a small group of Earth ponies, all of them eyeballing each other in confusion. They kept well back from the creature’s wildly swinging sword, discussing what to do.

“So, this is new,” stated the brown pegasus, fluffing her wings slightly.

“Really? You’ve never seen one of these before? Apparently some god or other keeps sending through people he doesn’t like, and Celestia’s too nice to stop him. Just a shame that they all seem to be either mad, or perverts, or the sad loner type.” Bon-Bon nodded as she spoke, gesturing to the human with his helmet on backwards.

“Should we help him? He looks stuck,” Caramel asked, though not looking too keen on getting closer to him.

“I suppose we should. Though, I don’t like the way he’s waving that sword around.” Raindrops backed up a bit, lip curling in disgust.

The brown pegasus sighed. “Well, he’s clearly crazy,” she gestured again to the knight, who was currently having at the brick wall with a vengence, “so perhaps we should contact some sort of authority that can help him.”

That got through to the knight, who whirled around towards the general direction of the clustered ponies. “I am a KNIGHT. I am NOT crazy! No matter what the voice in the sky tells me! Have at you!” the knight screamed, running in entirely the wrong direction. He breezed past the group of ponies, who watched him with raised eyebrows, and ran directly into the river running through town.

“The Black Knight will not fall for such trickery! Come back here, you... whatever you are, so I can give you what for!” He flailed in the water, the current slowly dragging him.

The brown pegasus rolled her eyes and fluttered over to the probably crazy but probably also frightened human, yanking his helmet off his eyes and dropping it on the bank before speeding back to her friends, worried about his reaction. The ponies watched him intently, whispering between each other. Caramel stood slightly in front of the mares, nerves on edge around this strange creature.

“VILLAINS! BLACKGARDS! The Black Knights armour is no plaything! Come over here and fight like a... eh? Horses? CURSE YOU GOD! If there’s one thing I hate more than coconuts, it’s horses!” He splashed his hands ineffectively in the river before raising them up, shaking his fists at the sky.

“Hey! That’s not nice!” A cream-coloured earth pony spoke up, two coconuts adorning her flanks.

“No! Shut up! You cannot talk, you are a horse! You are a mere beast of burden, set to serve me in my quests across the worlds! And I don’t care if you can talk, I’ll still chop your bloody head off!”

A deep “Nnnope,” was the last thing he heard before a sharp pain hit the back of his head, and everything fell to black.