The Black Knight in Equestria

“I’m not sure that was strictly necessary, Mac,” admonished Nurse Redheart as she checked the unconscious human over.

“He threatened to chop off our heads,” Bon-Bon stated flatly. “Big Mac might have just saved us, so give him some slack.”

“Eeyup,” Mac affirmed, chewing his wheat stalk with a bored look in his eyes.

Redheart sighed and sat back on her haunches. The human had been dragged up onto the bank, and seemed perfectly fine save for the unconsciousness. “Well, I suppose we just need to wait for him to wake up. What shall we do with his armor and weaponry?”

“I’ll take ‘em back to the farm.” Big Mac slid the loop of the sheath over his head, and lifted the helmet with his mouth. “‘E ‘on’t ‘ook ‘or ‘em ‘ere.” With that, he took off over the hills, powerful red legs carrying him home and leaving behind the creature he’d attacked.

“Should we contact Celestia?” Dancer suggested. “She might have an idea how to get him back to wherever he came from.”

“She hasn’t done anything about the ones that came through before, why should she start now?” Caramel crossed his hooves, one eyebrow raised.

Dancer sighed, brown wings fluffing nervously. “I didn’t know. I just got here.”

“Well, from what I hear, she had a sweet spot for the god of this thing’s world. But it didn’t end too well, and now she’s all doe-eyed over him. Explains why the asshat thinks he can dump his trash wherever he wants.”

“THE BLACK KNIGHT NEEDS NO ARMOUR, FOUL THIEVES! None can defeat me!” Whilst the ponies have been bickering, the Black Knight has awoken, and promptly charges straight for Nurse Redheart, tackling her to the ground. In a panic, the nurse forgets her earlier admonishment of Big Mac and pushes the Knight off, whirling and bucking him square in the stomach.

“The mighty Knight falls not to such feeble blows! And no bloody horse is going to spell the end of me! Wait, what are you... GET OFF!” He is interrupted by a brown pegasus coming straight up to him, and without a trace of fear embracing him in a heartfelt hug, violet mane resting against his mail-clad tummy. The Black Knight pushes against the unwelcome intrusion. “NO! BAD HORSE! I swear to god I shall strike thee down if thy doesn’t release me this instant! And what have you turncoats done with my sword?”

“Come now, everypony needs a hug sometimes! Your sword and helmet are safe with one of the town stallions. Now, why don’t you just calm down and tell us what’s going on,” Dancer stated calmly, not releasing the Knight who was becoming increasingly worried about how strong these horses were.

“I am no mewling kitten! The Black Knight scorns your hugs! I don’t care how nice your mane felt against my mighty belly button, I am a noble, and you will unhand me and take the beating that’s coming to you!”

Her eyebrow arched for a moment before she dove her head down, casting aside his chain mail to blow most undignified raspberries on his stomach. The Knight tensed up, then suddenly lost his countenance, letting out loud guffaws that sounded out of place coming from him.

“S-stahp this instant! You-hahaha-you foul beast! Unhan-pfffthahahaha-d m- my noble tummy at once!” The Knight’s legs kicked as he giggled, hands in the pegasi’s hair as she continued her relentless assault on his dignity. The surrounding ponies, for their part, watched in equal parts confusion and amusement.

Eventually, the other ponies piled on in for a gigantic cuddle puddle forged from new friendchips and spitting, incoherent rage. No matter the stream of filthy cursewords and threats coming from the mouth of the once-proud warrior, the ponies were relentless and unforgiving, nuzzling him in places he never dreamed of.

“GET AWAY FROM MINE SCABBARD, FOUL BEASTS! NOBODY TOUCHES THE HOLY HAND GRENADES!” Finally the Black Knight reached a breaking point, his boiling rage lending him the strength to throw all the horrible, smiling, adorable ponies from him. He quickly brought his hands down to cover his Royal Jewels, so adorably nuzzled moments before. “DO YOU KNOW NOTHING OF BODIES, BEASTS? THE BLACK KNIGHT SHALL RETURN, TO WREAK HIS VENGEANCE!” Leaving a lot of hurt-looking ponies behind, the Black Knight turned tail and ran awa- made a tactical withdrawal.

“Why do you think he ran away? Everypony likes a hug...”

“Oh, I’m sure he does. Maybe we just need to hug him harder. Let’s spread the word, everypony! Hug him until he feels it!”

The Black Knight ran along the river, his armour clanking around him as he looked for any signs of sanity. Or at least his sword back. His eyes scanned the idyllic landscape frantically, finally falling on something utterly amazing.

He approached slowly, almost reverently. Those wide leaves, those sturdy branches, that near-perfect round shape... this was truly a shrubbery worthy of his protection. Sure, it might look better with a couple of tiers and maybe a nice fence, but it was lovely all the same.

He reached out, as though to touch its amazing side, before drawing back. He could protect it, but perhaps not touch it, as it was clearly quite special. Casting about, he found a stick on the ground. “Wish I had my sword,” he muttered angrily. Pacing past the shrubbery onto the bridge in front of it, he took up his knightly stance, determined to keep the beautiful shrubbery from harm. Filled once more with familiar purpose, he stood guard once more, watching and waiting...

Snowflake trotted down to the bridge, ready to walk into town and hit the gym. His eyes darted around, forever watchful for people making fun of his tiny, tiny wings. But as he approached the bridge, he came across a strange figure, clothed in black and holding a tree branch in what looking like a fighting stance.

“HEY! What kinda freak just stands there all day! You gonna let me past or not?” He snapped at the peculiar biped. What the hell, they pop up from time to time, right? More often than seems possible, actually...

“I am the Black Knight, and I move for no man.” said the Knight, calmly meeting Snowflake’s gaze.

“DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN TO YOU?!?! Move the hell aside buddy, I need to get to town!” said Snowflake, trying to barge his way past.

“The Black Knight has had just about enough of this shit! NONE SHALL PASS. Now move away, or thou shalt taste my stick. Wait, not- THOU KNOWS MY MEANING! Now prepare to taste my wrath! Before I dispatch thee, what is thy name? I prefer to know who it is that I kill.”

“Hey buddy, I just wanna get past. But if you wanna go, then I’ll go with you! YEEEAAH! And my name’s Snowflake! Go ahead and laugh before I knock your teeth out!” Snowflake charged up, ready to do battle with the obnoxious stranger.

“WAIT! Thy name is Snowflake?”

“YEAH! IT IS! WHAT OF IT?”

“The Black Knight feels your pain. Mine parents were also possessed of a sadistic sense of humour.” The Black Knight says, a strange and for once, pained expression marring his face.

“Oh yeah? Kinda stupid name is The Black Knight anyway?”

“That is not mine true name. Mine true name, is mrhmmmd...”

“What? If you got somethin’ to say, flankhole, then say it so I can hear it!”

“I said, my name is... Mildred” the bold Knight says, looking at his knees and slowly twisting one foot into the ground. “I feel a strange connection with thee, Snowflake. I believe we are kindred spirits. Thou may pass if and only if you can bring a fence of appropriate loveliness for this shrubbery. It must be protected from the foul beings of this world.”

“Nah, buck that noise. What kinda coltcuddler are you anyway, ‘kindred spirits’. Later, flankface.” And then Snowflake flew off, though not without visible effort, his tiny wings buzzing like a foal’s would.

“VILLAIN! WE OPENED OUR VERY SOUL TO THEE! THOU HAD BETTER NOT COME BACK HERE, OR THEE WILL BE IN FOR THE THRASHING OF A LIFETIME! I’LL CUT YOUR WINGS OFF!” The Knight screams at the fast-disappearing back of Snowflake. “Curse this damned world and every horse in it.”

A sudden darkening of the sky was followed by a crash of thunder. The Black Knight looked up, and noted a large winged equine shape dropping from the sky. The pony’s eyes burned a bright white, star studded mane flowing upwards as she descended. A long horn completed the visual, showing her as being the Princess of The Night.

“WHO DARES TO USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IN SUCH AN UNSEEMLY MATTER? WE DEMAND AN EXPLANATION AT ONCE, BIPED!” Princess Luna thunderously proclaimed. “THY GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX IS ENTIRELY FLAWED, OAF! THOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF THYSELF.”

“The Black Knight takes no heed from a walking inkstain! Come down here, so I can beat some sense into you!”

Luna swooped down, executing a perfect four-point landing about five feet from the perpetually angry pedestrian.

“You dare speak to a Princess in such a manner? Were thou of this world, thou would be on thine flank in a matter of moments! Now, thou will tell me at once where thou learned to use the Royal Canterlot Voice!” Luna stared down at the Knight with all the weight and bearing of a thousand years of lunar frustration.

The Knight looked up at the alicorn, a smirk winding across his lips. “And what is it to you, foul creature? I fear you not, for I am the Black Knight!” He brandished his stick in what he imagined was a threatening manner, but coupled with the fact that he was utterly soaked to the bone and looked rather like a cat that just scrambled out of the bath - well.

Luna’s expression began to crack, and she brought one silver-shod hoof up to her lips to stifle her giggle. “Oh...oh dear.” Giving a most unprincesslike snort, she sat down upon the ground, trying to keep the giggles in to no avail. Soon, she was rolling on the ground with several of her subjects that had seen her arrival, laughing uncontrollably.

“T-thou art a funny biped! Thou looks as though thou hast just stepped from the bath! And thou thinks to challenge Us?” One shining hoof pointed at the Knight, before dropping to hold her stomach during another round of laughter.

“I AM A KNIGHT, AND SOME OF YOUR ACCURSED SUBJECTS HATH STOLEN MINE SWORD,” the Knight yelled angrily, gesturing with his arms and flinging water everywhere. “I ASSURE YOU, FOUL CREATURE, THAT I COULD EASILY REMOVE YOUR WRETCHED HEAD FROM YOUR BODY IN ONE FELL SWOOP IF I HAD IT HERE NOW.”

Princess Luna shook out her starry mane, getting to her hooves and standing tall and elegant, wings outstretched. “Well, Sir Knight,” she began, sarcasm dripping from every word, “dost thou know where thy weapon was taken? We would be happy to trounce thee on the field of battle.” Her eyes narrowed, posture still regal, but a small smirk was still visible on the side of her dark face.

“ASK THEM! ONE OF THEM SNUCK UP UPON ME AND KNOCKED ME DOWN! FIE ON THAT CREATURE!” He gestured angrily towards Nurse Redheart, who turned apologetically to Luna.

“I’m sorry, Your Grace. The human’s belongings have been brought to Sweet Apple Acres for safekeeping. He seemed...too unstable to have them.”

Luna nodded to Redheart. “It is quite alright, my little pony. You did what you felt was best for the safety of the town, and I commend you for that.”

“COME ON THEN, YOU PANSIES! YOU YELLOW BASTARDS! STRIPPING A MAN OF HIS SWORD AND STATURE!” He stomped up to Luna angrily, eyes wild beneath his damp hair. “WHAT SAY YOU?”

Luna eyed him, an eyebrow raised, before chuckling and sighing. “To Sweet Apple Acres, then. And, Sir Knight, I expect you to behave with propriety. You will be fighting me, not the Apple family. Are we clear?”

“Whatever it takes to grasp the hilt between my fingers once mo-WHOA!” He was cut off suddenly when Dancer grabbed him up under the arms and began to fly him to the Acres. Luna flew in front, laughing at the flailing, wet knight behind her.

“PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE! UNHAND ME, BEAST!”

Dancer looked down at the ground, now a good thousand feet away. “Well, I mean, if you insist...” She chuckled deviously.

“NOTHAT’SALRIGHTREALLY.”

“I thought so.” They continued their journey, the knight hanging impotently in the forelegs of the pegasus as the Acres drew near.