The Black Knight in Equestria

“I’m super duper psyched that we’re gonna be hanging out together all day! What do you want to do first? We could do some baking, or I could show you my pictures of my holiday in Vanhooveser!” Pinkie bounced around the Black Knight, who appeared to be chewing his own tongue.

“Verily, I find myself most parched. The Black Knight needs a drink! Show me your finest of beverages, that I might slake mine thirst!”

“Oh! I didn’t even realise! Gloomsbane makes you super thirsty after a while! It’s totally worth it though, it makes EVERYTHING fun! I’ll just go grab you some of my home-made Sarsaparilla!” Pinkie zoomed into the back room for a moment, leaving the Black Knight to contemplate his surroundings. A glint of light caught his eye, and he picked up a large knife from the table that Pinkie had been using to divide up her numerous cakes.

“Verily, ‘tis a fine weapon. The Black Knight deems it worthy of his usage, until my blasted sword is returned to me.” Removing the flower, he slipped the blade into the scabbard where his sword was, just as Pinkie rushed back into the room, balancing a tray of bottles on her head. Unsure of what to do with said flower, he tucked it behind his ear.

“You have to try this! It’s the most delicious drink in the whole of Equestria! And Mr and Mrs Cake make the best version of it, too! Here, have a bottle!” The Black Knight took one of the bottles, taking a swig as Pinkie watched him with a grin.

“PINK ONE! THIS IS THE SWEETEST, MOST DELICIOUS DRINK TO EVER GRACE MINE PALATE! QUICKLY, HAND ME THAT TRAY!” The Knight moved to take the entire tray and start guzzling down each and every bottle, but Pinkie moved her head just out of his reach.

“Sorry Mister Knight, but Mr and Mrs Cake told me I have to save some of these because they’re having some friends over in the week and they want to get a second opinion on their recipe. But you can have one more bottle, I’m sure they won’t mind!” Pinkie hoofs over another bottle, which the Knight only just caught.

“Soooooo, Mister Knight, I hear that Fluttershy gave you some Gloomsbane. You wouldn’t happen to have any... spare, would you? It’s my most favouritest plant in the whole of Equestria! But it’s so rare, I never ever ever get the chance to have any!” Pinkie gave the Knight her most adorable puppy-dog eyes, and the Knight felt the perpetual rage lurking inside him soothed, just a little.

“OF COURSE, PINK ONE! You have shown the Knight such kindness that to refuse would besmirch the reputation of any gallant warrior! Though it was not yon... Fluttershy... who gave me these marvellous herbs. I was given them by a most obnoxious stallion. Verily, t’was all I could do to restrain myself from making him taste my wrath. But I am glad I did not, for he may not have given me these glorious herbs. Here, Pink One, pray partake so that we can be merry together!” The Knight took the bundle of Gloomsbane out of his britches pocket, and offered it to Pinkie. But the party pony was looking a little trepidatious of accepting them.

“Wait, you went to see Brainymane? And he actually gave you some Gloomsbane? I know that meany-weeny stuck-up stallion never helps anyone unless it’s really, really super serious! He gave you those herbs for medicine, didn’t he?”

“Verily he did, Pink One. But canst thou not see I am cured? Forsooth, to have another experience what I have felt is cure enough! Come now, pray accept!” But Pinkie drew back, sadly shaking her head.

“No, I’m sorry Mister Knight. I can’t take anypony’s medicine, even if it is super-funtimes medicine. OOH! But maybe you can help me look for some more! You know, in the forest!” Pinkie brightened up, once again grinning at the thought of yet more fun.

“A QUEST! IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I FELT THE PURPOSE OF A QUEST IN MY BONES! YEA, PINK ONE! WE SHALL FIND YON GLOOMSBANE, AND ALL OF THINE FRIENDS SHALL BE HAPPY AS WELL! LET US MAKE HASTE!”

A few hours later, in the Everfree Forest, a very strange pair could be seen wandering around, startling all the animals into their homes. Even the bears seemed to get the impression that the odd two-legged creature was probably best left alone.

“Pink One, the Black Knight grows weary of this looking. Truly, this quest is a buzzkill. Dost thou not know of a better way to obtain the Gloomsbane?” Plucking yet another stray leaf out of his hair, he turned to Pinkie.

Bouncing around the trees happily, Pinkie seemed unaffected by the Knight’s boredom. “Silly Knighty! The quest was just an idea! Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t, but either way we can have a super fun time! Maybe we’ll find something new and exciting! I stash so many fun things all over Equestria that I can’t remember them all, so maybe we’ll run across one! Ooooh, did I ever stash some Gloomsbane across Equestria? Maybe I did! Who knows! This one time, I tumbled over some leaves and I found this old stash of confetti and charges for my party cannon which is SO MUCH FUN, I need to show you sometime, and-” Pinkie hopped off, leaping around trees and shoving her snout beneath bushes and into animal burrows while continuing to chatter.

The Black Knight tuned Pinkie out, realizing even in his altered state that Too Much Pinkie Pie could be a bad thing. Wandering around the area, he noticed a huge, moss-strewn rock. Thinking that perhaps some Gloomsbane could be under there, he called upon all his mighty strength to lift the boulder, flipping it over. Alas, he didn’t notice the gaping hole the boulder was covering, and promptly fell head-over-heels into it.

“AHHHHH! WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS! ACCURSED GORBELLIED RUMP FED FUSTILARIAN OF A GOD!” He thumped uncomfortably through a winding tunnel, swearing all the way. “THIS SNIVELLING SOWS-WIFE OF A LAND! DECEITFUL, PLEBIAN WRETCHED UNDERHANDED GUTTERSNIPE OF A WORLD!” The Black Knight’s stream of unutterable profanity continues as he bounces and rolls down the slope, getting more and more angry and vengeful as he was unceremoniously dumped into a pool of water. What was worse, he felt a strange sensation as he climbed out, as though the world was slowly turning around him whilst he was crawling out. He spat out a stream of water onto the ground, barely containing his rage as he got to his feet.

“KNAVE! WHAT SORT OF WITCHERY HAST THOU EMPLOYED! THERE IS ONLY ONE BLACK KNIGHT! HAVE AT THEE!” A perfect copy of the Black Knight, naked as the day he was born, runs at the Black Knight, catching him across the jaw with a perfect right hook. The Black Knight stumbled backwards, flabbergasted at the sight of being attacked by himself.

“Verily, this gloomsbane is excellent shit.” At that moment, Pinkie bounces down the slope, only stopping when she sees the scene playing out before her.

“Knighty! Oh what do I do, what do I do?” Prancing in place nervously, she eyed the two Knights with worry writ large upon her face. “How did you do that? How did you even find this place? This is bad, Knighty, this is really bad! We need to find Twilight so she can send the duplicate back into the water!”

At this, The Naked Knight’s head snapped around, and he caught sight of the pink pony. “WITCH, WAS THIS THINE FOUL MACHINATION?! PERHAPS IF I REMOVE THINE HEAD, THINE SPELL WILL BE BROKEN! AAAAHHHH!” The Naked Knight charged at Pinkie, who squeaked in fright and ran away from the naked, glistening wet warrior charging at her with murderous intent. The Naked Knight is fast, but Pinkie was not bound by the laws of physics, and she easily outstripped him. Just as the Naked Knight started his second lap of the cave, he was tackled to the ground by a perturbed but still quite high Black Knight.

“KNAVE! DO NOT LAY THINE HANDS UPON THE PINK PARTY PONY OF PONYVILLE! I DO NOT KNOW FROM WHENCE THEE CAME, BUT I SWEAR UPON MINE SHITHEAD OF A GOD THAT I SHALL SEND THEE BACK TO THE PITS OF HELL!” As the two Knights began scuffling with each other, the Black Knight making sure to avoid the Naked Knight’s... acorn, a sudden eruption of light emanated from the pool beside them.

Struggling to their feet and calling a temporary truce, the two Knights stood to look into the pool again. Suddenly, the water parted down the middle, revealing the bottom of the pool which turned out to be a shimmering portal. And inside that portal?

“HA! HELLO AGAIN, BLACK KNIGHTS! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE TO LOOK AT YOURSELF, EH? SEE WHAT THE REST OF US HAVE TO PUT UP WITH?” God, holding a large oaken staff with which he appeared to be keeping the waters parted, threw back his head and laughed, Celestia draped over his back and nuzzling his ear. “BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING, EH? EH?”

Both the Black Knight’s faces contorted, one with confusion, one with rage, but both clearly trying to hold their anger in check.

“OH MY GOODNESS! Princess Celestia? What are you doing here? And who’s that? And are you having a party? Can I come? OOH! Can I invite Twilight and Luna and all the girls and my two new best friends here?!” Pinkie seems oblivious to what God and Celestia have clearly been doing.

“WELL, CELESTIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN THESE MORTALS KEEP UP WITH US? HA! I THINK NOT! THOUGH I HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN EYE FOR YOUR SISTER, I HAVE TO ADMIT. BET I COULD PUT A WHOLE NEW GALAXY ON THAT FLANK, EH?” God booms out, with a lecherous grin on his face. Celestia had a drunken smile on her face, but abruptly loses it when God mentioned her sister.

“What, suddenly I’m not enough for you now? Now you want my sister as well? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME, GOD?” Celestia runs out of sight, tears running down her face.

“God! You’re a real meany-weany! Why did you do that to the Princess?” Pinkie yells out, making God seem a little taken aback for a moment. But then he shakes his head, drops of divine booze flying from his beard.

“I’M GOD! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! I DON’T CARE HOW ADORABLE YOU ARE, I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE! AND NOW YOU’VE SPOILED MY FUN! WELL, SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS FOR FUN!” And with that, God points a finger at the Knights and Pinkie, and they disappear from the area with a flash of light.

“NOW, I SUPPOSE I’D BETTER GIVE THIS BACK TO MOSES. SUCH A CARD, ALWAYS USING IT TO BURN DOWN PEOPLE’S JUNIPER BUSHES...” The portal closed, God’s chuckle echoing through the still cave.

It was another glorious day in Ponyville. Tree’s were singing, birds were rustling, and hedges were shining. Ponies chatted and conspired over cups of tea, gossip about Celestia’s nightlife running like wildfire. Until, to everypony’s distinct surprise, a strange, greenish-yellow-purple vortex appeared in the town square. Curious about this peculiar new addition to their daily routine, a few ponies trotted over to take a closer look.

Just as one of them was placing her snout next to the aura for a good sniff, a strange pink... thing erupted out of it, dragging an odd, acorn-shaped tube across her nose. The pony jumped back, startled, quickly wiping her nose clean as two more entities burst from the light. The first looked strangely similar to the pink one that emerged initially, the second was a more familiar pony-shaped one. On closer inspection, it turned out to be Pinkie Pie. Satisfied with the explanation, the ponies went back about their normal business.

“CURSE THAT ARROGANT BAT-FOWLING GOD! WHAT HAST THE BLAGGARD DONE TO US NOW?!?”

“I don’t know, Mister Knight, that was kinda fun! Think we can do it again?” Pinkie bounces around, quite at home with having been teleported several kilometres in the company of a naked human. And then, the naked human ran at her, eyes wide and with an odd sparkle in them.

The Naked Knight knocked Pinkie aside, taking the Black Knight in a tight embrace and planting sloppy kisses all over his face. The Black Knight looked nonplussed, trying to extricate himself from the grip of the previously aggressive version of himself. A familiar chuckle resounded across the square, seeming to come from the air itself. “LETS SEE YOU KEEP YOUR COOL NOW, EH? HA HA HA...”

Pinkie looks at the struggling pair, not sure whether to help or to burst out laughing. The Naked Knight has wrestled the Black Knight to the ground now, and is tugging and pulling at his britches. Hampered, however, by the Black Knight’s efforts to pull them back up and push him away.

“FORSOOTH, KNAVE, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YE? DOST THEE NOT KNOW THEE AM ME? I MEAN, I AM THEE?”

“I KNOW, AND I CARE NOT! ALL THE BLACK KNIGHT KNOWS IS THE BURNING PASSION IN HIS LOINS! HE CARES NOT FROM WHENCE IT CAME, ONLY WHERE IT NOW SHALL GO! AND I INTEND TO PUT IT IN THEE, OH FAIREST OF SUMMER FLOWERS!” The Naked Knight licked his lips salaciously, eyeing the Black Knight with a glint in his eyes.

A familiar boom from the sky came quite suddenly, clouds parting to reveal an extremely amused God accompanied by a still upset but somewhat placated Celestia. “ENJOYING THY OWN MINISTRATIONS, KNIGHT? NOW...KISS!”

Horrified, the Black Knight pushed the Naked Knight off of him, stumbling backwards. “GOD! HOW COULD THEE? DIDST THOU NOT TEACH US THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS AN ABOMINATION UNTO THY SIGHT?”

“HA! YEAH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. I ALSO TOLD YOU NOT TO KILL, BUT THEN LOOK AT ABRAHAM AND ISAAC! OH, GOOD TIMES. YOU HUMANS ARE TOO EASY TO MESS WITH. MEN AND THEIR SQUICKS, EH? DOST THOU EAT FISH? ART THOU NOT WEARING CLOTH WEAVED OF SEVERAL TYPES OF THREAD? THE WORDS OF MEN ARE JUST THAT, AS WELL AS HILARIOUS. YOU GUYS MAKE UP ALL THIS SHIT THAT I SUPPOSEDLY SAID, SPREAD IT AS TRUTH, AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY I MESS WITH YOU ALL SO MUCH?” Celestia snerked at this, punching God lightly on the shoulder.

“That’s just too rich. Imagine where Equestria would be if that were a sin?” She fell back on the plush cloud bed, hind legs kicking with merriment as she laughed.

A small white stallion with mussy brown hair pointed up to the sky. Pinkie Pie, bouncing around still, recognized him as Dim Bulb, a rather annoying town stallion that had taken to worshipping the God of humans. “IT SHOULD BE A SIN, CELESTIA! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT THE WORD OF GOD IS SUPERIOR TO THAT OF PONIES?”

A sudden rumble, and a moment later, Dim Bulb was squashed unceremoniously by a runaway wagon full of anvils. Gasps filled the square. “HE’S DEAD!” Somepony screamed.

“I’m not...quite dead yet,” coughed out the stallion, raising one hoof slightly in supplication. “It’s ok though, it’s all part of His divine plan...”

God reached down with His Holy Hands, and flicked the stallion in the back of the head, silencing him completely before he was removed from the square by whatever magic it was God was employing.

“WHERE WAS I? AH, YES! SO CELESTIA, NOW YOU’RE INTO MARES? WHERE WAS ALL THIS FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO, EH?”

“Well, God, the idea came to me after the weekend in Tartarus. You know, when you left me to the ministrations of the Succubi? They showed me quite a few things you never could...”

“COME NOW CELLY, SURELY THAT’S ALL LOCUSTS UNDER THE DOORMAT BY NOW? AREN’T WE HAVING A NICE TIME HERE?” God squeezes Celestia in a one-armed hug, giving her rump a slap as he does so. The sun shakes a little bit in the sky, as Celestia gives a little moan at the touch.

“OH GOD! You know I could never stay mad at you...” She took another swig of wine from the Holy Grail, and giggled.

“SEE? I KNEW WE WOULD MAKE UP IN THE END! NOT TO MENTION OUT, HAHA! ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, BLACK KNIGHT, THAT BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE OTHERS YOU MUST FIRST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF! SO MAKE WITH THE HOT STUFF ALREADY, I’M LOSING WOOD HERE!” And with that, the heavenly choir of angels sounded, though a little more confused than usual, and the clouds once more came together.

The Black Knight stares up at the clouds, flabbergasted at the sheer audacity of his creator. He didn’t even notice the Naked Knight sitting on the ground, humping his leg. Pinkie, however, had zoomed back to Twilight’s house to get help, obviously having taken exception to God’s wanton manipulation.

“TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! YOU HAVE TO COME QUICK BECAUSE THERE’S A KNIGHT AND ANOTHER KNIGHT WHO’S HIM BUT NOT REALLY AND THERE’S A REALLY MEAN GOD WHO MADE THE KNIGHT CRAZY AND I THINK CELESTIA TOO AND NOW IT’S GOTTEN SO BIG I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO COME QUICKLY!!!!!” Pinkie pauses for breath, panting with her tongue out while Twilight tries to make sense of the tirade.

Finally, she gives up, shakes her head, and sighs. “Okay Pinkie, show me where the problem is.”

“GET OFF! OFF, I SAY!” The Black Knight vainly tries to shake the naked warrior off his leg, but to no avail.

“I CANNOT! FOR THOU ART THE MOST DIVINE THING I HAVE SEEN IN MINE LIFE! MY HEART BURNS WITH DESIRE FOR THEE, AND I LONG FOR YOUR FIRM TOUCH ON MY QUIVERING THIGHS! I BEG OF THEE, HEED THY GODS WORD, AND SURRENDER TO THE MOST FORBIDDEN OF DESIRES!” The Naked Knight stares into the Black Knights eyes, pleading, wanting but not daring to hope.

“VERILY, THOUGH THINE WORDS ARE LIKE HONEY, I CANNOT! THE BLACK KNIGHT MUST REMAIN PURE OF BODY AND SOUL!”

“OH GO ON, PLEASE! JUST ONE TIME, I PROMISE! YOU MIGHT EVEN LIKE IT! JUST TOUCH IT! TOUCH YOURS! JUST THE TIP! LET OUR PASSIONS ENTWINE AND SNARE OUR SOULS TOGETHER! NO ONE CANST UNDERSTAND THEE BUT ME, FOR I AM THEE! DOST THOU NOT SEE?” The Black Knight’s eyes soften, as his will is slowly ebbed away by the combination of sweet words and sweeter narcotics. His eyes soften, and his efforts to push the Naked Knight away become just a little less valiant.

“I HAVE NEVER HEARD SUCH WORDS SPOKEN OF ME... TRULY, THOU KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE A MAN AND MELT HIS HEART. BUT I CANNOT! THE VERY THOUGHT IS CALUMNY AND DECEPTION! I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF TO MYSELF! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT’S HOW THE DARK AGES GOT STARTED! BESIDES, I NEED MINE EYESIGHT TO DO BATTLE WITH MINE ENEMIES!”

“BUT THE WORD OF GOD HIMSELF SANCTIONED SUCH ACTS! HOW CAN SUCH THINGS OCCUR, WHEN THE DIVINE BLESSING IS UPON THEE?” The Naked Knight’s voice became wheedling, persuasive, sensing he is on the edge of convincing himself.

“BLESSING, EH? IS THAT WHAT THEE CALLS IT? AFTER SUCH RAMBUNCTIOUS EVENTS HAVE TRANSPIRED, I AM CONVINCED GOD IS MERELY TESTING OUT A NEW FORM OF HELL!”

“THEN LET US UNDERMINE HIM, AND FIND A NEW FORM OF HEAVEN IN EACH OTHERS ARMS! C’MON, YA PANSY, WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF? I NEVER KNEW MYSELF TO BACK DOWN FROM A SWORD FIGHT!” It’s this last jibe that finally breaks the Black Knights conviction, for never before has he shirked from a challenger.

“RIGHT! I’LL DO YOU FOR THAT!”

“Oh, do you promise?” The Naked Knight bats his eyes rather disgustingly.

“I HEREBY VOW TO MY JOKE OF A GOD THAT I SHALL SMITE THEE, VERILY, WITH MINE TRUSTY SWORD OF FLESH! HAVE AT YOU!” The Black Knight charges forth, attempting to unbuckle his britches at the same time. The Naked Knight stands, eyes glinting, acorn hanging from his tree and swaying in the wind.

Before the two can meet, however, a blast of pink energy surrounds the Naked Knight, causing him to rise up into the air and expand quickly into a ball. Before anypony could say anything, the Naked Knight was gone, trailing across the sky towards the Everfree Forest as a comet of pink light. The Black Knight turned, hands still at his britches, wild eyes falling on a small purple unicorn.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! I HAD FINALLY FOUND MINE SOULMATE, A MAN AS FLUSH WITH THE DESIRE OF BATTLE AS I! AND YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? CRUEL PURPLE PONY, EXPLAIN THYSELF!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “I don’t have time for this. I’m going to go seal that tunnel off for good.” In a blink of pink light, she was gone, teleporting her way to the forest.

The Black Knight slumped to the ground, shoulders bowing and head down. Pinkie Pie bounced up to him again. “Silly Knighty, don’t be sad! Know what you need?”

“Mine sword in mine scabbard?”

“Nope! A nap! When the Cake’s foals get all grumpy and sad, I know it’s naptime! Come on!” With that, the pink party pony pulled the reluctant knight into Sugarcube Corner, hauling him up to the spare bedroom. She zipped quickly to the kitchen and returned, holding something out to the Knight.

“A bottle? What art thou playing at, pony?” The Knight took it from her grasp, turning it over and over and watching the white liquid slosh within. “Art thou trying to tease me? What manner of white liquid is this?”

“It’s milk! The foals LOVE milk when it’s time for their nappy nap! And it’s even nice and warm for you!” Pinkie shooed him over to the bed, somehow laying the much larger Knight down in the bed, tucking him in, and popping the bottle into his mouth all at the same time. “Nighty night, Knighty!” And with that, the Knight reluctantly rolled over, letting the wave of physical and emotional exhaustion wash through him. He was fast asleep in moments, suckling at the bottle as he dreamed.