The Black Knight in Equestria

A strange little procession made it’s way towards Ponyville. At the head of it was a butter-yellow pegasus with a beatific smile upon her face, pet rabbit sitting sulkily on her back. Behind her came a fairly bedraggled human with an equally happy smile upon his own face, stopping every few moments to stroke a pebble or roll upon the ground. Bringing up the rear and periodically nudging the human was a highly confused but extremely amused Snowflake, who had decided that maybe this was turning out to be more fun than going to the gym after all.

A gentle and motherly voice floated back to the Knight. “Oh, didn’t you say you were hungry? Come now, there’s a nice cafe near here that I think you’ll just love!” She smiled cheerfully, slowing to allow the Knight to come up beside her.

“IT IS TRUE, DIVINE FILLY! MINE STOMACH RUMBLES AND CRIES OUT FOR SUSTENANCE! BRING ME TO YOUR FINEST BANQUETING HALL SO THAT I MAY PARTAKE OF YOUR LAND’S DELICACIES.” He patted Fluttershy on the head, leaving a hand on her soft mane as they turned onto the main road.

Of course, word had spread quickly around Ponyville about the newcomer and his utter lack of regard for life of any kind, so once they began their travel down the main road, silence blanketed the usually cheerful townsponies. Mothers pulled their foals close, while stallions and mares alike eyed him with distrust.

Seeing the normally shy pegasus in such close quarters with him started a ripple of whispers through the crowd. Was she crazy? Hexed? Perhaps the Element of Kindness had, in fact, gotten through to him? The look on the Knight’s face seemed to back up the latter point, a large smile adorning it as he happily skipped beside the pegasus and chattered non-stop into the empty air about everything he could see.

She steered him gently with little nudges of her nose and forehoof to a small restaurant to the right side of the street, the crowd parting to allow them through. Clearing her throat daintily, Fluttershy got the attention of the maître d’ and requested a table for three. Turning slightly, she eyed the human and noted that the Gloomsbane was still in full effect. She quickly edited her request to an outdoor table.

The host led them past a few other tables, finally seating them beside a young couple on a date and a small group of teenage colts. Angel settled himself under the table, not wishing to have the Knight fixate on him again. One of the colts eyed the Knight carefully from, then turned back to his companions and whispered. The three snickered amongst themselves, stealing glances at Fluttershy’s table and munching hayfries.

As the three sat about the table, the Black Knight’s eyes slid across to the waiter bringing them yet another plate of greasy, hot hayfries. His eyes narrowed, not noticing that this waiter didn’t look like a normal pony. A strange, white mask adorned his face, with what looked like a nail sticking through it where a unicorns horn would be, and his eyes were an unusual shade of black. The final warning sign was his cutie mark, being in the shape of a scythe. All of these details amounted to a very, very disturbed teenager.

But the Black Knight is no man to take notice of such trifles! He stood up, with a single line of drool swinging lazily from the corner of his mouth. He stumbled towards the waiter, who slowly turned his sullen gaze towards the newcomer.

“Sit down, sir, I’ll get to you in a minute.” He gestured with a hoof, politely, to the Knight’s table with a slightly worrying smile showing at the edges of his mask.

The Black Knight’s eyes glazed over, blind to all except the delicious tray of food in the waiter’s other hoof. With a speed borne of years of combat, he lunged for the tray, deftly sliding a hand underneath and relieving the pony of his burden. He immediately turned his back on the bemused waiter, crouching down on his heels and shovelling hayfries into his mouth.

“Sir? Those weren’t for you, you know.” The masked pony approached the furiously chewing human, putting a hoof out politely to take back the tray.

“WARHORSE! THESE YELLOW STRIPS ARE DELICIOUS! I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY PRIZE! OOH, WHERE DID THEE GET THINE MASK? IT MOST BECOMES THEE!” Half eaten fries spew from the Knight’s mouth to splatter the waiter’s mask, giant smile still adorning his face.

“Eurgh. You just spat fries all over my face. Do you want to apologise, sir?”

“THIS DAY IS FAR TOO GLORIOUS FOR SUCH MINOR CONCERNS! CAN THEE NOT FEEL THE JOY PERMEATING THE AIR? COME, DANCE WITH ME, AND I SHALL SHOW THEE UNBOUND DELIGHTS!”

The Black Knight stands up, grabbing the strange pony’s hooves in his mailed hands with a delirious expression on his face and slamming his helmet over the mask. “COME, SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MINE EYES!” Ignoring his protests, the gallant crusader swings him around, doing a two-step tango with a troubled and trepidatious teenager with a nail protruding from his helmet. Fluttershy watches on with a smile on her face, quietly enjoying the spectacle.

“WAIT! STOP! BAD TOUCH! GET OFF ME, I DON’T WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU!” Wrath’s voice sounds metallic, resonating within the Black Knight’s helmet as he is spun around ever faster. The Black Knight is still oblivious, powerful muscles flexing to nearly lift Wrath off the ground.

“COME ON, EVERYBODY! ‘TIS A GLORIOUS DAY! CAN THEE NOT FEEL THE LOVE AND KINDNESS RADIATING FROM MINE VERY SOUL? YOUR HOOVES FEEL AMAZING, HOW DOES THEE NOT JUST SIT AROUND RUBBING THEM ALL THE LIVELONG DAY!”

“Um, well... that’s not important! Now let me go already!” Wrath struggles to free himself from the iron grip of the ecstatic knight errant, but can feel his hooves slipping from under the greasy hands of this most interminable stranger. “Wait! Don’t let me go just yet! Stop spinning so quickly first!”

Fluttershy now looks a little concerned for Wrath, and gently flaps up to the Black Knight. “Um, excuse me Mr Knight. Do you think you could put the nice waiter down now?” She tries to place a placating hoof on the Knight’s shoulder, but can’t get near enough to him.

“NAY! I CANNOT! FOR MINE TASK IS YET INCOMPLETE! THE BLACK KNIGHT SHALL NEVER FALTER IS HIS QUEST TO BRING HAPPINESS AND LIGHT TO THIS POOR DEPRESSED COLTS LIFE!”

Fluttershy looks worried for a moment, until a small smile creeps across her face. She turns her head, and fixes Angel with a meaningful look. The rabbit back up slowly from the advancing Fluttershy, until he is cornered against a table leg. He shuts his eyes as his vision is filled with butter-yellow hooves.

“Oh Mister Knight, I think there’s a little someone here who’d like to say hello to you again!” Fluttershy holds the exasperated-looking rabbit up to the Knight, immediately letting go of Wrath. Wrath flies into a group of tables, sending them careening through the restaurant window with him. The bartender casually continues polishing a glass, gazing down at the wall-eyed pony.

“Check please.” Wrath says, before promptly hitting the floor, out cold.

Fluttershy, in her amazing ability to hide in plain sight, quickly hoofed over to the Knight and used a wing to prod him off of the patio and into the street. Blending in with the crowd almost seamlessly as medical ponies rushed to Wrath, who unfortunately now had the helmet stuck firmly on his head thanks to the nail in his mask, she turned to the Knight, shaking her head.

“Maybe we should try somewhere else for lunch...if that’s okay with you, I mean.” She smiled up at him hopefully, still gently ushering them away as the Black Knight once more inflicts his enthusiastic cuddles on a resigned-looking Angel bunny.

The trio walked down the road, Snowflake having departed along the way muttering excuses about hitting the gym. The Black Knight was swaying slightly, occasionally stopping to admire a particularly lovely bush or sniff a delicious-looking flower. Fluttershy looked as though she was getting a little bit tired of the Knight, betraying her emotions only with a quiet sigh here and there. Finally, they crested the top of a hill, and the pink hues of Sugarcube Corner swam into view.

“Come on Mister Knight, only a few more steps to go and then we can eat. I have a wonderful friend here, I’m sure you’ll just love her.” Fluttershy gently ushered the grinning idiot through the door, silently regretting her decision to encourage the Knight to eat the Gloomsbane. The Knight stopped dead the moment he walked into the bakery, eyes wide and sparkling in wonder at this magical place of colours and the delicious scents of caramelised sugar on the air. Angel took the opportunity to leap out of the Knight’s grasp and onto the floor, scampering to the safety of a corner.

As the Knight took in the scene, revelling in the delightful stimuli, a pink pony popped her head up from behind the counter.

“HI! You must be new here!” A huge, epic gasp escaped her, eyes going as wide as dinner plates. “I CAN GIVE YOU A WELCOMING PARTY! WE CAN HAVE BALLOONS AND CAKE AND ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN A HUMAN AND-”

“YE GODS! A PINK PONY! I FIND THINE COAT TO BE OF A MOST LUSTROUS HUE! WOULDST THOU MIND IF I HUGGED THEE?” The Knight approached the bubbly smile-factory with outstretched arms, mouth still hanging open in an inane grin.

“Sure! I LOVE making new friends! And you’re one of the friendly-wendliest humans I’ve ever ever met!” The Black Knight lurched forward into Pinkie’s open arms, but completely missed and fell face-first into a pineapple upside-down cake. He dragged himself to his feet, licking enthusiastically at the frosting around his mouth. Pinkie Pie started snorting and giggling uncontrollably, because the Knight had two pineapple rings adorning his face where his eyes were. Even Fluttershy cracked a smile, and Angel was holding his sides on the floor, squeaking so hard his feet were beating a rhythm on the floor.

“WHAT? WHAT AMUSES THEE SO? DOES MINE FACE HAVE A SMIDGEN OF FROSTING ON IT? VERILY, THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS!” Shaking with the effort of holding in giggles, Fluttershy raised a demure hoof to her mouth.

“YOU SILLY! YOU GOT PINEAPPLE ALL OVER YOUR FACE” Pinkie collapsed into another round of giggling, rolling around on her back. Finally, the Black Knight caught sight of his reflection in a nearby mirror, and was transfixed by the apparition appearing before him. He seemed to freeze, mouth drooping slightly downward, and the three others in the room seemed to catch his change in demeanor.

“Verily, the Black Knight looks... ridiculous.”

“YEAH YOU DO! Pineapple! All over your face!” Pinkie was still gigglesnorting on the floor, until Fluttershy gently put a hoof on her shoulder. “What? What did I do?”

“Um, Mister Knight? Please don’t be mad, we weren’t laughing at you in a mean way. At least, Pinkie and I weren’t.” Fluttershy says, directing a glare at Angel. “I hope we didn’t offend you. Are you angry?”

“Forsooth, I feel a strange sensation in my gut. No one has ever dared laugh at The Black Knight before. It feels... strangely good...”

Needing no further invitation, Pinkie leapt up happily again, grasping the Knight’s hands in her hooves. “That’s the spirit, Knighty! Laughing with other ponies is great!” They danced around the room together, Pinkie swinging the Knight happily while his goofy smile resurfaced.

Smiling gently, Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, um, I hope you don’t mind, but I need to get back to my cottage. Will you be okay with him, Pinkie?”

Pausing, Pinkie snapped a smart salute, the effect somewhat ruined by the frosting on her snout. “You can count on me, Shy! I’ll have the most super duper party EVER for him! And he can help! I need to know what he likes, after all!” She giggled and bounded around the Knight, who for his part was merely grinning and sliding pineapple rings over his fingers.

Angel scampered back up onto Fluttershy’s back and brought his large foot down on her rump, gesturing with his paws for her to get out while the getting was good. Her giggles followed her out, feeling confident in her pink friend’s abilities.